What Dreams May Come

by Alana Terry

  So we all thought he was just being funny because Derek’s always joking, especially with Kitty. The first time you hear her laugh, all you want to do from that moment on is find more funny things to tell her. You heard her giggling when we put you on speaker phone the other evening, remember that? Anyway, I thought Derek was just having fun, but then all of a sudden he was on his knee, still holding Mom’s hand, and that’s when he asked her to marry him. I wish someone had thought to get the whole thing on camera because I can’t remember a word he said. But it was really sweet and romantic, and obviously Mom told him yes. So there’s a wedding in the future!

  I don’t think it’ll interfere at all with the internship this summer. They’re looking into getting married in the early spring, so by the time the Kingdom Builders program starts, everyone should be settled in. I actually feel better about leaving for the whole summer knowing that my mom will have someone else to help out with Kitty. I mean, Derek’s at work all day, so it will still be Mom doing all the regular stuff, but at least she’ll have someone to talk to at night and on the weekends.

  I’d hate to think of her spending the whole summer in a big empty house taking care of Kitty all alone while I’m gone.

  Anyway, they called me in for the evening shift at Winter Grove tonight, so I probably won’t be able to talk to you until tomorrow. I just wanted to tell you the good news. Hope you’re having a good day. Don’t forget to let me know if sleeping with those onion slices in your socks helped with that sore throat. Mom swears by it.

  Blessings,

  Susannah

  CHAPTER 27

  Dear God, thank you for giving Kitty such a good morning. Thank you that she’s been handling her food just fine even though yesterday’s schedule got a little mixed up. Thank you for the way she takes these morning naps so I can have a little quiet time with you.

  On days like these, Susannah would stop and think about her mother, think about how hard it would have been to be newly widowed with a baby as fragile as Kitty and a toddler to take care of on top of everything else. Susannah wished her mom was still alive so she could thank her for all the sacrifices she’d made for their family.

  Sacrifices. There was that word again.

  God, this weekend was hard. I thought about Scott more than I should have. The church service didn’t help, either. Grandma Lucy’s words really got me confused. You tell us in Scripture that you carry things on to completion, that you don’t bring something to the point of delivery and then just let it miscarry, but what about the mission field? What about Scott?

  I know I shouldn’t always be questioning you. I should just calm down and trust that you’ve got it all under control, but it’s hard to do. Mom’s the one I would normally talk through all these things with, which makes it even harder. Maybe I shouldn’t miss her as much as I do. Maybe her passing should just be a reminder to me to look forward to the day when we’re all reunited in your glorious kingdom, but that’s not so easy to do. I need your help.

  Susannah stared at the open Bible in her lap. Several years ago, her mom had taught her a system for morning quiet times that she still used regularly. Giving thanks, confessing sins, then meditating on Scripture.

  Today, Susannah was in Psalm 85:

  “You, Lord, showed favor to your land; you restored the fortunes of Jacob. You forgave the iniquity of your people and covered all their sins. You set aside all your wrath and turned from your fierce anger.”

  Lord, you’ve forgiven me for so many things. My lack of faith, my doubts that you really had my good in mind when you took Mom home. Thank you so much for dying for me, for taking the punishment for all my sins, even the ones I haven’t recognized yet.

  “Restore us again, God our Savior, and put away your displeasure toward us. Will you be angry with us forever? Will you prolong your anger through all generations? Will you not revive us again, that your people may rejoice in you? Show us your unfailing love, Lord, and grant us your salvation.”

  Restore. Susannah paused. Tried to think of a different way to describe it if she could.

  Restore. God had taken so many things from her. Her mom. Her dreams of going on the mission field. Her relationship with Scott.

  Restore. The word kept coming back to her. Was it possible?

  God, only you know the future you have planned for me. Only you know if I’ll ever find my way to serve you outside of Orchard Grove. Only you know if I’ll ever meet someone else like Scott, someone with a passion for missions. I know this wasn’t the right time for those things, and I’m trying not to complain. I’m trying to give them up calmly and selflessly, but then you keep making it harder. You sent me to church to listen to Grandma Lucy talk about how you complete what you begin. You led me to the Psalm that talks about your perfect restoration when you yourself know that what I long for more than anything is for you to restore the joy I had when Mom was here and Scott and I were together and our plans were to serve you as full-time missionaries.

  Right now, I don’t even know what it would look like for you to restore any of those things, but since you’ve put that word in my heart, I’m going to ask you one more time.

  Restore my joy. It doesn’t matter to me how you do it. But come and restore my joy, and if it’s your will, I pray that you would at least fulfill my dream of one day serving you on foreign soil.

  CHAPTER 28

  February 18

  Dear Scott,

  I just got home from Winter Grove and have to tell you what happened. You know how I’ve been a little impatient for God to bring me to the mission field? I think you more than anybody understand what it’s like to have that longing and to always wonder if God’s going to fulfill it or not.

  So I hate to confess it, but I’ve been a little anxious, asking God what he’s doing and not really trusting his plans or his timing, which are so perfect! Today, I was having a rough shift at work. It wasn’t anything about the residents. If my entire job was just taking care of the elderly, I would be thrilled. But there’s a lot of other stuff going on too, behind-the-scenes drama. My co-workers are really upset with the administration because they’re changing up the overtime schedule. Anyway, that’s all besides the point. The only reason I bring it up is because a lot of people today were upset and grumbling about the new policy, and I can’t blame them. It doesn’t make a huge difference to me as long as they keep on giving me Sundays off, but it’s really inconvenient for some of the others.

  But back to work. I was having a hard day because first everyone around me was upset about the policy, and second I just felt really impatient, more so than normal, to get onto the mission field. I know the Kingdom Builders summer program’s only a few months away, and I’m so excited Mom agreed to let me go, but even that internship’s not the full-time missionary work I feel called to.

  So I was helping the residents get ready for breakfast, and in between rooms I was praying to God and asking him to give me a better perspective, and I thought about what you said the other night when we were talking, how every Christian should be in full-time ministry, no matter what their actual job is. And I know I’ve heard things like that before, but it really hit home today. So I asked myself, “How would my job look different if I was from another country and raised support to work here at Winter Grove?”

  It really changed my outlook, and it really encouraged me to start to think of myself as a missionary right where I am. My mom always tells me, “Bloom where you’re planted,” which is kind of cute and clichéd, but it really makes sense.

  I started to pray for more opportunities to share the gospel with the people around me, and there’s this one resident who’s been really difficult for me. Not difficult to get along with, I’m just talking like literally hard because he’s at least a hundred pounds overweight and doesn’t want to use a wheelchair, but he needs a lot of help getting places. And he doesn’t talk, either. He’s one of the sad ones who just seems trapped inside himself.

  Anyway, I w
as taking him to the bathroom of all places, and I was thinking about Winter Grove as a mission field, and so I asked him if he knew about Jesus. And it was really awkward because he’s so hard of hearing I had to shout in his ear. I’m not exaggerating, either, I was literally shouting, “Do you know who Jesus is and how he died to save you from your sins?”

  And I’ll never forget it, but as soon as I said that, he got totally lucid. No confusion or anything, and he looked at me and for the first time his eyes weren’t glazed over. And he said, “I don’t know him.”

  So I said (or shouted, really), “Do you want to?” And he looked right at me and nodded! I only got to talk to him for another minute or so because one of my co-workers came up to pass out his meds, and then the glassy look was back and we never got another moment like that. But I’m praying for more breakthroughs for him, and I’d love for you to pray too. His name is Duke. He used to be a professional boxer. Can you believe that?

  That’s all for now, because I told Mom I’d help with Kitty’s snack while she runs to the store. She’s going to make her own wedding cake and is doing a practice run today!

  Talk with you soon!

  Blessings,

  Susannah

  CHAPTER 29

  “Come on, Kitty. Just another two sips, ok? Two sips and we can be done.”

  Susannah wiped her forehead. It was thirty-one degrees outside, but her pits were slimy with sweat.

  She raised the formula bottle to her sister’s lips. “Just a little more. You can do it.”

  Kitty made a move like she was about to gag.

  “None of that now.” Susannah sounded sterner than she intended. She wiped some of the dribbled formula off her sister’s chin, trying to maintain a gentle touch that would conceal her impatience and irritation.

  God, I know that in the grand scheme of things it really shouldn’t matter whether it takes her ten minutes or an hour to drink this bottle, but can you please help her get through it a little faster?

  The worst part was that Susannah’s hurry was completely unfounded. It wasn’t like she had anywhere to go. Derek would stop by later with a few bags of groceries, Susannah would try to offer him twenty or forty dollars which he’d refuse, and that would be the extent of her interactions today with anyone else besides her sister.

  Would things be different if she hadn’t cut off all communication with Scott? Maybe. In the short term, it would be nice to have someone to talk to about her day. Another sound to listen to at night besides her sister’s gurgled snoring.

  But in the end, it was best to call things off when she did. With his heart on the mission field and Susannah stuck here in Orchard Grove, there was no way to pretend it was possible for them to forge a future together.

  Better to cut him off now. Let the pain of losing him merge and morph into the grief over Mom’s death. Like getting all four wisdom teeth pulled on the same day instead of dragging it out one or two at a time.

  She and Scott could never be together. Their fate was sealed the moment Mom left home to buy that friendship bread starter. Even if Susannah hadn’t broken up with him, even if they’d kept on talking for months or even years, it would only make their inevitable separation that much more unbearable.

  God, I’m so glad you didn’t allow us to meet face to face. All those disappointments where I couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t let us come together when we wanted ... I’m sorry I didn’t thank you for those things at the time. I see now that you were being gracious to us all along. That you were protecting me from falling even more in love with him because you knew it would make things that much harder now.

  “Come on, Kitty,” Susannah whined and tried to coax one more sip out of her sister. “You’ve got to drink a little more to stay strong and healthy.”

  If Susannah had inherited anything negative from her mother, it was her propensity to worry. Cold and flu season was the worst. Last spring, a lingering cough threatened to develop into pneumonia, and Kitty still hadn’t recovered by the time Susannah was supposed to start her internship with Kingdom Builders.

  Another example of God’s intervention on her behalf.

  Of course, she and Scott were already intimate at that point. Already talking about love and romance and an eventual engagement in spite of all of her mother’s admonitions to take things slowly. Susannah had been disappointed when she couldn’t spend the summer overseas like she planned. Still, through it all, she had smiled, thanked God she was able to spend extra time with her sister, whose strength returned steadily day by day, and she’d sent Scott emails each evening to fill him in on Kitty’s improving health.

  There was no rush. She and Scott had all the time in the world. At least that’s the lie she believed when life felt so full, the future so promising.

  “Ok, last sip.” She held the bottle up but didn’t recognize Kitty’s pre-gag warning signs in time to move out of the way. She tried not to grimace when hot formula and stomach acid spilled onto her arm.

  “It’s ok,” she said, even though she was sure Kitty was paying more attention to her incriminating body language than her actual words. “It’s ok,” she repeated. “Let’s get you cleaned up and go listen to an Odyssey together.”

  Susannah turned her back to her sister, forced down the annoying lump in her throat, and stifled a silent cry of frustration.

  CHAPTER 30

  February 27

  Dear Scott,

  I have so much to tell you but don’t know how to express it. Maybe I’m afraid.

  Your email yesterday really touched and encouraged me. I wanted you to know that before I said or did anything else. To think that you could feel so strongly about a girl you haven’t even met face to face ... I love how you told me it didn’t even matter that you hadn’t seen my picture yet. It made me feel so safe, like you were really here to get to know me. No ulterior motives. So thank you.

  And thank you for being honest. I’m sure it must have been scary writing all that and not knowing how I’d respond, and then I’m sure it was hard waiting to hear back from me until now. I wasn’t ignoring you. I just wanted to talk to my mom about it first, and she’s been so busy with wedding plans, and Kitty’s got the sniffles, which is probably nothing serious but always makes Mom nervous.

  But I did finally find the right time to tell her about your email, so imagine my surprise when she said you’d actually called her! You could have told me that! She said that she was happy for me like I knew she would be, but she still wants me to be careful. Wants to make sure I’m not giving you my whole heart until we’ve met and she’s gotten the chance to get to know you better and we’re all convinced that this is the direction God is calling us to take. But she likes your idea and definition of courtship, how we wouldn’t be just dating to have someone to be with, but we’re really praying and trying to seek God’s will to decide if we’re supposed to spend our future together.

  So the answer to your question (and sorry for taking so long to get there!) is yes, I would be honored to begin prayerfully considering if God has more in store for us than just a whole lot of emails and late nights on the phone!

  I’m trying to be cautious like Mom said, but when you and I talked that very first time, and through all the emails and phone conversations since then, I’ve realized more and more that you are the kind of man I always pictured myself with. But I told myself I was being silly. I’m too young. You’ve been all over the world. You’ve served so many places, been used by God in so many ways. What would you see in a girl like me?

  That’s why when I read your email, I didn’t know how to react. Yes, I was surprised, but that doesn’t mean I hadn’t hoped for something like this. I’m just so overwhelmed right now. I’m like Job. I put my hands over my mouth and have no idea what to say.

  I hope that my somewhat flustered reply doesn’t hurt your feelings. The last thing I want is for you to believe your thoughts and emotions aren’t reciprocated. But I’m so young, and my mom is trul
y the wisest woman I’ve ever met, and I’m trying to take her advice and keep my heart guarded.

  The spirit is willing, like Paul says, but the flesh is weak.

  I wish I could blindly trust my own intuition, which is to throw myself headfirst into this relationship, but I should listen to Mom and go slowly. Be patient with me. I’ve never fallen in love before. I know you understand.

  I’ll write more later. I hardly slept at all last night. Mom and I were talking past midnight, and I was up early with Kitty because of her stuffy nose. I just couldn’t let another hour go by without writing you, without telling you how deeply honored I am that you would consider me, a girl you’ve never even met. I know there’s so much more to talk about, so much more to pray about, but right now I’m just going to trust all that to God’s timing and let you know how closely I hold you in my heart.

  Blessings,

  Your Susannah

  CHAPTER 31

  Susannah stared at her clock, trying to figure out how it could be 4:43 with the sun shining through her window.

  She rubbed her eyes then jerked herself fully awake. What was going on? Had something happened to Kitty?

  She grabbed her phone. 4:43. It didn’t make sense.

  Unless it was the afternoon. Had she fallen asleep while her sister napped?

  “Kitty?” she called out, straining her ears for sounds of snoring. “You ok?”

  No response.

  She jumped out of bed, ignoring the dizzy spinning in her head and the groggy heaviness in her body. She plodded down the hall to Kitty’s room. “You in here?”

  Kitty was on her side, her back facing the door. How long had Susannah been sleeping? Nearly two hours? How could she have gotten that exhausted in the first place?