by Alana Terry
“Kitty?” she whispered, trying not to startle her sister. “Kitty?”
She touched her on the shoulder. No response.
Hurrying to the other side of the bed, she peered into her sister’s face. “You awake?”
A single, silent tear shined in the pre-dusk sunlight streaming in from the window. Susannah wiped it away instinctively. Fighting down waves of self-loathing for sleeping that long, she knelt by the bedside. “What’s wrong? You feeling sad today? Did you think I’d gone out? I’m sorry. I just needed a quick rest. I wasn’t trying to leave you all alone. Here, do you want me to switch the tape over for you? Are you ready for more Odyssey?”
Kitty stared at the wall, and Susannah turned to look, half expecting to find something there. “What is it?” she asked. “Does your tummy hurt?”
A pout. No.
“Are you wet? Do we need to get you changed?”
A scowl.
“Were you worried that I was gone for too long?”
No.
“What’s wrong then?” She tried to follow her sister’s eyes, which were now focused on the nightstand. Susannah picked up the picture of her mom at least ten years younger and twenty pounds lighter than she’d been when she died.
“Is that it?” she asked. “Do you miss Mom?”
Blink.
Susannah reached out and stroked Kitty’s cheek. Her skin was clammy.
“I miss her too.” Most days, Susannah would force cheer into her voice and say something like, But at least we can thank Jesus that one day we’ll all be together again, or I’m glad that we have each other still, aren’t you?
But today, all she had the energy to do was stroke her sister’s tear-streaked face and repeat, “I miss her too.”
CHAPTER 32
April 5
Darling, what a long day. Thank you so much for your prayers for me. Even though we didn’t get a chance to talk much this week, I’ve felt your prayers lifting me up and encouraging me through all the plans and extra work. If it weren’t for that, I’m not sure how I could have made it to tonight!
The ceremony was perfect. Mom was gorgeous, but of course no surprises there. I wish you could have seen Kitty. At first, we weren’t sure if she’d feel up to it. You know how she can get kind of particular about things. Pouty. She’s the sweetest, kindest soul in the world, but she can hold a grudge if she thinks you’ve ignored her too long! And Mom’s been so busy, and last night Kitty wouldn’t even talk to her, so we were all pretty worried.
But today she was on her best behavior. Mom let her wear that hot-pink bridesmaid dress, the one she wore the night of my prom. I’ll have to send you some pictures soon. She was beautiful, and she knew it too. That girl can be so vain! But I think she realized she had to behave herself if she wanted everyone to be able to see her looking so pretty, and she did great. You should have heard it. Right when the pastor got to the part where he told Derek to kiss the bride, Kitty let out a huge snort. Derek and Mom were both laughing so hard, and so was everyone else, it hardly counted as a kiss when they finally got to it.
I wish you could have been there. I really do. But I think Mom was right. There was so much going on it wouldn’t have really given us any time to spend together, and having you here at Mom’s wedding would have gotten all the folks at church talking, and you can imagine what that’s like in a small town like ours.
I just can’t wait for when you do come visit, though. I can’t believe we’ll actually be spending Easter together. I’m sure other people could find a more romantic holiday, but I think it’s a perfect symbol of how the blood of Christ brought us together. I can’t wait.
Well, it’s nearly eleven, and I’m completely exhausted, and I’ve got to get up early tomorrow. I know it’s silly, but I’m actually nervous about taking care of Kitty this week. It’s nothing I haven’t done before. I just haven’t done it this many days in a row by myself. But Mom and Derek deserve this honeymoon, and I’m not going to complain at all. Still, I’d love your prayers, ok? I can’t believe what an encouragement you’ve become to me. I probably don’t say it enough, so thank you.
Blessings,
Your Susannah
CHAPTER 33
Well, God, you brought me through another long morning. I don’t know how you managed, but you did.
Susannah relished the sound of the hot water filling up the tub. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d enjoyed a long bath. After checking one last time to make sure Kitty was still napping soundly, she put on one of her mom’s old instrumental worship CDs and sank into the tub.
The Lord is my strength and my shield, an ever-present help in times of trouble.
She shut her eyes, letting the water fill all the way to the top.
The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
She hummed along with the soft piano and violin music and thought about some of her favorite verses from Psalms.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
God had given her so much. A close family. Almost two decades with a kind, gentle mother who taught her about the Lord and modeled how to be a selfless servant to others.
A few months of excitement and happiness when Susannah thought she’d found the man she wanted to marry.
Comfort even in the worst of troubles.
The Lord is good, and his love endures forever.
Maybe she didn’t always feel the Holy Spirit like she had last Sunday at church, but she could never doubt his love. He’d blessed her life in so many ways, given her so many opportunities, surrounded her with so many people who loved her ...
If only he hadn’t taken them each out of her life one by one until only she and Kitty remained.
Weeping may last for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
That’s what she had to focus on. God’s love and mercy and goodness. There was no point dwelling on painful memories. She didn’t want to grow old and bitter. She wanted God’s love to pour out of her freely. Effortlessly. Abundantly.
Even if she never fell in love again.
Lord, why do I keep thinking about him? Why can’t I get him out of my mind?
She hated to admit it, but ever since Grandma Lucy’s prayer at church, she’d been allowing thoughts of Scott to steal more and more of her mental energy. There had to be something else to focus on.
Christmas is in only ten days, Lord. Just ten more days ...
She still remembered the afternoon she’d come home from her shift at Winter Grove last fall and saw her mom mixing dough. “What are you making?”
“Friendship bread starter. If I get it ready now, we can make a batch to welcome Scott when he comes here to meet you.”
Susannah had looked forward to that visit with the childish hopes of a five-year-old waiting for Santa’s sleigh. Ten days until she finally saw Scott face to face, heard his voice for real instead of through the phone. Looked into his eyes.
Just ten more days ...
Susannah shut off the bath water and counted again to make sure she’d done the math right.
Ten days until Christmas.
She stood up, ignoring the cold chill that seeped through her skin.
Ten more days.
If she threw things together today, the starter would be ready to make Amish friendship bread Christmas morning.
Mom might be gone, sorrow might eek out of every one of her pores until she didn’t know how she could even breathe, but Susannah was going to give her sister a joyful Christmas whether she felt like it or not.
CHAPTER 34
April 20
Dear Scott,
Happy Easter. Or maybe I should say happy Resurrection Day! I started out this morning really discouraged since I’d been looking forward to your visit so much, but I’m convinced God knows what he’s doing. I wanted to give you an update on Kitty too. Her fever’s a little elevated, but after Mom called Dr. Bell and t
alked to her on the phone, she said that we don’t have to take her in yet. Just a lot of extra fluids. Mom’s got a timer running. Every ten minutes one of us goes in and measures out 3 CCs of water. That’s all. And we do our best to squirt it into the back of her mouth so it can go down by itself and she doesn’t have to work too hard swallowing it.
We missed church today, so we had our own Easter worship service right there in Kitty’s room. It was actually bittersweet. I have the greatest family in the world, Mom’s found the man of her dreams (after Dad, of course), but I couldn’t be perfectly happy because this was the weekend you and I were supposed to finally meet. I know that God must have good plans for this, but it’s hard.
Instead of whining, though, I want to tell you about one of our favorite Easter traditions. Mom started it back when we were little girls, and I’m sure we’ll be doing it still when she’s eighty years old! So what we do is Mom gets those little plastic eggs from the store, but instead of hiding candy inside, she writes out either the name of a song or a Bible reference. It doesn’t sound like much, but it’s really elaborate. I think I counted last year and it’s something like thirty eggs total. By the time you open them all and either read the passage or sing the hymn, you’ve gone through the entire Easter story from Palm Sunday to the Ascension. It’s really neat.
One of the best parts (besides the singing, which is my favorite), is hiding the eggs for Kitty. She’s hilarious. We put them all over the house and then one of us (this year it was Derek, who Kitty just adores) pushes her in her wheelchair. When she spots one, she’ll let us know, and that’s how we do our Easter egg hunt. It’s harder than it sounds, though, because it’s over two dozen eggs and you have to hide them all at Kitty’s eye level. So unless you want to put everything on a table, it takes a lot of creativity coming up with good spots.
Derek got us all really bad with one that he hid. You know where he put it? He had a blue egg, and he hid it on the kitchen counter ... inside our carton of farm-fresh eggs from Safe Anchorage (that goat farm I was telling you about with the neat gift shop where I got that stationary for those letters I’ve sent you). Anyway, at the farm they’ve got regular hens who lay regular brown eggs, but they’ve also got this special kind of chicken they call Easter eggers who lay blue eggs! So when Derek hid one in there, it took us all forever to find it. We finally had to give up. You should have heard Kitty laugh when she saw where he’d put it.
Speaking of Kitty, even though Dr. Bell didn’t seem too worried, please keep her in your prayers. I know we’ll talk tonight when you call, and I’m sure you’ll remember to pray for her then (I love our prayer times together, by the way!) but Mom’s really worried, and I know we could all use a little extra encouragement today from the Lord.
I hope it was a good day for you too. I miss you, which is kind of goofy to say, but it’s true. I wish you were here. You would adore Kitty. She’s so amazing. I can’t wait until you finally get to meet her.
Yours,
Susannah
CHAPTER 35
“Come on, Kitty. Time to wake up.”
Susannah tried to remember if her mom always ran into this much trouble rousing Kitty from her afternoon naps.
She touched her sister’s forehead. Didn’t feel hot, but she’d been acting more tired than usual, taking more time to wake up, sleeping longer each afternoon.
Maybe it was the winter.
Or was she depressed? Susannah didn’t even know how to begin guessing if it was something like that. Should she call Dr. Bell? Would the pediatrician be able to help or just refer her to a specialist in Spokane or Wenatchee?
She rolled her sister onto her back and checked her diaper. It wasn’t wet, which was convenient for the moment, but Susannah knew from experience that if Kitty’s bladder didn’t kick in soon, by the time her systems finally caught up with each other she’d leak right through the Depends and all over the mattress.
Well, that’s what the chux pads on the bed were for. Not worth worrying over.
“Wake up, Kitty. It’s time for your snack. And after you eat, you can help me make a Christmas treat. Would you like that?”
Kitty lifted up a single finger.
“Oh, come on,” Susannah prodded. “I thought you’d be way more excited than that.”
Kitty made a fist.
“That’s more like it. If your back’s not too tight, I think we’ll save your massage until later and I’ll get you into your chair.”
Blink.
After helping Kitty manage to drink five ounces of formula without gagging, Susannah pulled ingredients down from the cupboards and chatted with her sister, who watched from her wheelchair.
“All right, so we’ll need flour and sugar, and I’m pretty sure we still have yeast in the fridge, but I better proof it to make sure it’s good.”
When she was alive, Susannah’s mom made homemade bread once or twice a week on top of the cinnamon rolls and other pastries she baked for Sunday school or Bible studies. Susannah should have been a baking expert by now for all the times she’d helped in the kitchen, but she’d never progressed past the very basics.
Oh, well. At least she knew how to follow directions.
She pulled down her mom’s index cards from the cupboard and ran her finger along the little hand-painted flowers. Susannah had made her the recipe holder as a Mother’s Day gift sometime in junior high. As far as she could remember, it was the last time she’d picked up a paintbrush.
After pulling out the rest of the ingredients, Susannah set to work, careful to keep up her one-sided conversation with her sister. She wanted Kitty to feel engaged, and she also wanted to keep her from falling asleep in her chair. Why couldn’t she remember if it was normal for Kitty to be so drowsy in the afternoons? Why hadn’t she paid better attention, asked more questions when her mom was alive?
For the first few minutes, she was afraid she’d have to throw out the yeast, wait for Derek to buy her some more, and start the whole batch over in a few days when it would be too late for Christmas morning, but thankfully the bubbles finally started to form, filling the kitchen with a familiar yeasty smell.
The smell of love. The smell of a peaceful family life. The smell of Mom.
Kitty grunted with pleasure.
“I know,” Susannah told her, “it’s going to be delicious.”
She didn’t stop to think how wasteful it was to make a whole batch of Amish friendship bread for Christmas breakfast when she was the only one who would be able to enjoy any. It was the entire experience. Susannah couldn’t remember a single Christmas when she didn’t wake up to the smell of Mom’s baking. Kitty might not be able to eat anything Susannah prepared, but at least it would remind her — remind them both really — of happier times.
Times when Mom was alive, when the future was bright and promising, when Susannah could joyfully ease through her day without those relentless reminders that all her hopes and dreams and plans had come crashing down around her.
CHAPTER 36
June 3
Dear Scott,
I can’t believe it’s summer. Well, I can because Orchard Grove gets hot this time of year, but what I mean is I can’t believe you’re meeting up with the Kingdom Builders interns today and I won’t be there.
Do you sometimes feel like God has it out for us? I mean, I’m mostly joking, but do you ever wonder? I’ve prayed about our relationship a lot. Probably more than I’ve prayed about anything other than getting to the mission field. And each time I pray, I do my best to surrender and tell God that I want his will more than my own. That if you and I aren’t meant to be together, I’d rather find that out sooner than later.
But each time I ask God if we’re where we’re supposed to be, I feel so strongly that we are. I look back at how we met, at how our very first conversation wasn’t about going to the movies or what restaurant to eat at but about missions. And it just seems so clear to me that God brought us together for a reason. I’m doing my best to
still stay guarded, but I can’t stop thinking about a future together with you. I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to serve God around the world next to someone so godly and strong, who knows my emotions, who is so kind to me.
You are the first man I’ve ever felt this way about, and that’s partly what makes today so hard. I feel like when you hop on that plane with the interns, I’m losing you. It’s probably silly. It’s probably me just being girly and babyish about it all, but that’s what this feels like. I keep telling God that I was supposed to come with you all on that trip.
But Kitty’s not getting any better. Dr. Bell stopped by last night. It was really sweet of her. She knows Kitty gets anxious about going anywhere and that the stress can really complicate her digestive issues, so she came by instead of making us drive out to her office. She doesn’t think we need to go to the hospital yet, but if Kitty can’t start eating again in a day or two, she’ll need some IVs at the very least. Dr. Bell was thinking about antibiotics because her lungs sound a little more gunky than normal, which could be the start of pneumonia, but Mom wants to hold off and stick to some of the homeopathics for now. I understand where she’s coming from. You give Kitty one dose of antibiotics, and she’ll still be letting you know about it a month later (or at least her gut will).
Anyway, I’ll spare you the details, and I’m sorry if this email started off a little depressing. I’m doing all right. Just miss you. I’ll be praying for you and the interns. I’ve got the clock in my room set to Korea time so I’ll be able to keep better track of what you’re doing. Please be safe and come back soon. We’ll have so much catching up to do, and I know my evenings are going to be terribly quiet and lonely until you’re home.
Please know that while you go out and serve the Lord, I’ll be praying for you hourly (probably more!) and holding you very close to my heart.