by Alana Terry
After everything that’s happened here, I really don’t see how anything could ever develop between us. Months ago you asked me to pray and ask God if he intended for this relationship to deepen. At first, I thought his answer was yes, but it’s become more and more clear over the past few days that it was only wishful thinking on my part.
I know this email is going to be painful for you to read, and I’m sure I can trust you to understand how devastating it is for me to write. But Kitty needs me. I could never dream of deserting her, not that I’d ever picture you asking me to. But that’s the problem. Even when we talked on the phone, you made it clear that you were willing to give up your work for the Lord in order to be here with me. I know some girls might find it romantic for you to be so selfless, but the more I’ve thought about it and prayed about it, I can’t ask you to make that kind of sacrifice for me.
From the very beginning of our relationship, I’ve prayed that neither of us would ever make the other one an idol. And if I allowed you to stop your missionary work or even put it on hold just so I could have you near me, I could never forgive myself. God has put such an incredible calling on your life. I know he has plans to continue using you to bring his glory to the nations, and I won’t stand in your way.
One of the hardest things God has ever asked me to do is surrender our relationship to him, especially after losing my mom. She was so excited to meet you, and I’m probably never going to understand why God took her home when he did. But I simply have to trust that his timing is perfect, and that means it’s time for me to give up my dreams for the mission field and release you with a full and tender heart.
I’m so sorry. None of this is your fault, and I’m afraid now that you’ll just think I was stringing you along for all those months. You were so patient with me, so gracious. You didn’t want to move fast because you know I’m young and my mom wanted to meet you in person before she could give her official blessing to our relationship. But now that can never happen, and as much as I selfishly want to keep talking to you every night, emailing you about my day, I’ve come to realize it’s best for us to say goodbye now instead of dragging out a painful parting.
I know we’ll both mourn as we think about the things that could have been, and I want you to know I will always pray for your happiness and blessings. Please believe me when I tell you that God has amazing plans for you, plans to continue spreading his gospel to the farthest corners of the earth. Unfortunately, I see now that if I were to hold onto this friendship that has grown to mean so much to me, I would be standing in your way and the calling God has placed upon your spirit.
You are a kind, godly man, and I consider myself honored that you invested so much into my life. I will hold these months tenderly in my memories and remember you in my prayers for as long as I live.
Blessings,
Susannah
CHAPTER 47
Kitty was fussy and inconsolable. Once Susannah got home, it took close to an hour to calm her down.
“I’m sorry,” Derek apologized before he left. “I wanted to give you a night off, but I guess too much time has passed. She’s not used to me taking care of her anymore.”
“She just misses Mom.” Susannah knew the words had been a mistake when she saw the pain tear through Derek’s eyes. She reached out her hand to touch him on the elbow. There was something comforting about that quick exchange. “It’s late,” she added before she got too emotional. “Thanks again. It was really thoughtful of you.”
Derek offered a small smile. “Well, I hope it was relaxing for you. I get concerned about you here all by yourself. You know that, don’t you?”
She forced a smile. “Don’t worry. We’ve got everything we need. And thanks again for coming by with the groceries. It’s such a huge blessing.”
“Well, I wish sometimes you’d ask me to bring by more than cereal and dried beans.”
“I will. We’re still figuring all this out.”
He nodded. “Yes, we are.”
She wished him goodnight, spent a few minutes tidying up the house, and took her bag from Safe Anchorage to her room. She pulled the gift items out one by one and set them behind some boxes on a closet shelf to stay hidden until Christmas. She’d found Derek a traveler’s coffee mug with blue forget-me-nots she was certain would remind him of her mom. For Kitty, she bought a framed copy of the Beatitudes to hang on her wall and new yarn to make a nice lap blanket. Susannah could work on it in the afternoons while Kitty rested and listened to her Adventures in Odyssey tapes.
Last she pulled out the new handmade journal she’d bought for herself. The stationary at Safe Anchorage was two or three times more expensive than what she could have found at Walmart. Trying not to feel guilty for her extravagance, she ran her fingers over the binding. Wondered what she should write about first.
It was always intimidating starting a new journal. So much pressure to make everything perfect from the start. It was a relief each time she made her first mistake or two and realized that her journal was far more gracious and forgiving toward her than she was toward herself.
She picked up a pen from her nightstand and thought about what she should say.
Dear God ...
It was a good start, but then what? So many of her prayers lately — and nearly all the ones in her last journal — were about Scott. Even with those that started off as prayers for the unreached peoples of the world or conversations about how much she missed her mom, after a paragraph, half a page at most, the subject always turned back to him.
She was ready for a change. She was tired of the sacrificial gift always getting off the altar, tired of daily surrendering her relationship with Scott to the Lord. It couldn’t go on. It wasn’t healthy for her, and it wasn’t fair to Kitty either. This would be their first Christmas without their mom. Kitty needed a sister who was fully present, who was joyful and content, not a sister whose mind was on the other side of the country conjuring up dreams that could never come true.
Susannah knew how to start her journal.
There’s something I need to get off my chest. I know that nothing comes as a surprise to you, Lord. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely. Nothing is hidden from your sight, none of my thoughts or complaints or foolish longings.
God, you know how much time I’ve wasted over the past few months pining away for things that can never be. I don’t want to live like that anymore. Just like Paul did, help me to forget the things that are behind and strain for what is ahead. I know you have a future for me. I know all your plans for me are good, but I can’t enjoy any of them when I’m still moping about the past.
A year ago, you brought a wonderful, godly man into my life. As our relationship started to progress, I hoped that maybe it would turn into something deeper, but you have other plans for me. And I want to trust you, but I can’t stop thinking about that Bible verse in Psalms about your perfect restoration. I can’t stop thinking about Grandma Lucy’s prayer on Sunday about how you carry everything you start to completion. Or her conversation tonight when she prayed for me and told me that you are the God who restores all things.
I’ve asked you so many times to take that hope and that dream away from me if it wasn’t part of your plan, but now more than ever I’m asking you to somehow restore what was lost. Restore my relationship with Scott so that one day we can ...
Susannah tore the page out of her journal and crumbled it up. Even when she tried to surrender her relationship with Scott to the Lord her unruly heart got in the way.
She put down her pen. There would be time for writing in the days to come. She’d try another prayer of surrender when she wasn’t so tired. Now her only hope was that God would forgive her for clinging so tightly to dreams that could never come true and that her sleep would give her a few hours’ reprieve from the restless longing in her soul.
CHAPTER 48
The phone rang while Susannah was looking for clean clothes for Kitty.
“H
ello?” Why did her heart always skip that little beat whenever someone called?
“Susannah? That you?”
She didn’t need caller ID to recognize the voice. “Hi, Ricky. Merry Christmas.”
“Yeah, you too. We missed you at the candlelight service tonight. Couldn’t make it, huh?”
Susannah propped the phone against her shoulder and tried to get Kitty’s things organized on her bed. “Yeah, it’s pretty icy, and we don’t want Kitty in big crowds where she can catch a cold or anything.”
There she went using we as if she and Mom were both still around, both still making decisions about her sister’s care.
“That makes sense. Well, I just wanted to say we missed you.”
Susannah wondered which we Ricky was referring to. Him and his mom?
“That’s sweet of you to say.”
“Hey, I know it’s last minute.” He cleared his throat. “And maybe you already have plans, but Mom says we’ve got plenty of food for tomorrow, and we could come pick you up so you don’t have to worry about getting Kitty in the car by yourself. You know, if you wanted to come over for Christmas dinner. We could bring the truck and put her wheelchair in the back.”
Susannah had the feeling she’d appreciate the thoughtful offer more if she didn’t have two dozen different things to take care of at once.
“That’s really nice of you to ask. It sounds fun, but ...”
“It’s not a big group,” he interrupted, “and Mom already checked. Nobody has a cold or anything, so you don’t have to worry about germs.”
Susannah sighed. “I’m sorry, we kind of already have plans. Nothing big, it’s just Derek is coming over, and he’s bringing a ham, so I think we’ll just have a quiet day here.”
“Oh. Ok.”
She hated to think of disappointing him. “But I’ll tell Kitty you invited her. It’ll make her really happy to know you were thinking of her.”
“Uh-huh. Sure.” Ricky’s voice fell lifeless.
“Thanks again.” Susannah did her best to infuse extra enthusiasm into her tone. “That’s probably the nicest invitation I’ve gotten in quite a while.”
She didn’t mention it was also the only invitation.
She could hear his smile on the other end of the line. “Well, Mom says if tomorrow doesn’t work out, maybe we’ll plan on something else another time. After the holidays.”
“Yeah,” Susannah repeated mindlessly while she grabbed a clean chux pad to place on her sister’s bed. “Sounds great.”
She hung up the phone, realized the nightgown she’d planned to dress Kitty in was already soiled. She had meant to wash those clothes today. Finding nothing else clean, she decided her sister would be comfortable enough sleeping in her sweats and tossed the dirty nightgown into the pile of laundry that was now almost as high as her waist. She’d have to spend tomorrow cleaning before Derek came over for Christmas dinner.
The most wonderful time of the year, right?
Of course right.
CHAPTER 49
Christmas morning. Susannah woke up early and blasted her mom’s old CD recording of Handel’s Messiah, which was as much of a cornerstone of a traditional Peters Christmas as Amish friendship bread at breakfast. Thankfully, Connie’s starter from Safe Anchorage worked perfectly, and based on the sweet, yeasty smell from the oven, Susannah hadn’t botched the recipe too terribly. As soon as she pulled the loaf out to cool, she hurried into Kitty’s room. “Merry Christmas, sunshine.”
Susannah was thankful for an extra dose of energy this morning. She’d thrown the friendship bread into the oven and still found time to make some muffins and start a much-needed load of laundry.
All month, Susannah had worried that Christmas would feel empty and pointless without her mother, but she’d woken up with more joy and excitement in her soul than she’d experienced in weeks. Maybe there was a real reason behind calling this a magical holiday.
God, thank you so much for sending Jesus down to earth to show us how to live and to pave the way for a relationship with you. Help today to be perfect, a day that would make Mom proud.
With that, she flipped on Kitty’s light. “I said, ‘Merry Christmas,’” she called out and started massaging her sister’s back before she knew if she was even awake.
Twenty minutes later, Kitty was dressed and in her wheelchair at the dining room table, kicking her leg in approval while Susannah cut her first slice of friendship bread and let a dollop of butter melt on top of her cranberry muffin.
“Looks good,” she told Kitty. “And what about you? You want vanilla or strawberry for your Christmas morning breakfast?”
Kitty nodded at the table and grunted.
“You want the friendship bread?” Susannah laughed. “How about I just put an extra teaspoon of sugar in your formula and we call it a deal?” She’d been joking, but Kitty reacted so enthusiastically Susannah hesitated and finally decided it couldn’t do much harm.
Hopefully.
While her sister giggled like a little girl about to be caught sneaking into a PG-13 movie, Susannah measured out half a teaspoon of sugar. “You sure you can afford all these extra calories?” she teased.
A grunt.
“Ok. It’s your decision, not mine.”
Snort.
Susannah laughed too as she dumped the sugar into her sister’s bottle of formula. “Are you going to shake it up or should I?”
Blink.
“All right, but you better not tell anybody. It’s got to stay our little secret. Deal?”
Blink.
Susannah helped her sister take her first sip of sweetened strawberry formula. Kitty was laughing so hard it would have taken a Christmas miracle if any actually found its way to her stomach, but for once Susannah wasn’t going to let her sister’s eating habits stress her out.
She wiped Kitty’s chin with a napkin then impulsively leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “Have I ever told you that you’re the best sister in the world? Merry Christmas.”
CHAPTER 50
Derek showed up fifteen minutes early with a ham warmed and glazed and ready to slice. Unfortunately, Susannah’s afternoon cooking endeavors hadn’t gone nearly as smoothly as that morning’s. Whether from her tiny bit of extra sugar, the excitement of the day, or some random fluke, Kitty’s digestion was all over that morning (literally), and once Susannah got her, the bathroom, and the bed completely cleaned up, it was time to put the green bean casserole in the oven. The only problem was she hadn’t set foot in the kitchen since breakfast.
Derek didn’t seem to mind the wait, and he sat with Kitty listening to Adventures in Odyssey while Susannah scurried around trying to prepare a few simple dishes.
I wonder, Lord, if you’re giving me a little bit of a taste of how Martha felt when you were visiting her home.
At least Kitty had been in a good mood, explosive diarrhea and all.
And her Christmas cheer was catching.
Thank you, God, for helping today go so much smoother than it might have.
What she wanted to say was thank you that I’ve been too busy to miss Mom very much, but the confession made her feel guilty, so she focused on her green bean casserole, cornbread, and apple pie. A simple spread, especially compared to the feasts her mom liked to prepare for holidays, but Derek wasn’t expecting much, Kitty couldn’t eat any of it anyway, and Susannah was too busy to even think about her own appetite.
At least she’d get some good sleep tonight. If Kitty’s gut issues resolved by then.
But she wouldn’t think about that. Christmas was the one day where she refused to let any anxious thoughts creep into her head. No maudlin moping around thinking about how nice it would be if Mom was in the kitchen working and Susannah was the one listening to Odyssey episodes. No pining away for the mission field or some passionate, godly missionary on the other side of the country.
Today was about keeping Kitty happy.
And making it through dinner withou
t breaking down into tears.
That’s why she stayed so busy. And eventually, all her hard work paid off. Dinner was nearly an hour late. She and Derek had to microwave the ham slices by the time all the other dishes were hot, but at quarter to five, the sparkling cider was poured and the plates were served.
Kitty pouted when Susannah refused to add an extra spoonful of sugar into her formula again, but otherwise everyone was in good spirits. Susannah wondered if Derek and she were both in the same awkward position, trying hard for Kitty’s sake to keep a positive attitude when their hearts were empty and aching.
She and Derek might grow closer over the years, if he’d stick around long enough for her to get completely comfortable with him. Maybe. Only time would tell. Having him around, seeing the way he joked with her sister, reminded Susannah of how much energy it took just to keep Kitty engaged. It didn’t take much effort to make her laugh, but she was so compliant and easy-going that she was unfortunately simple to ignore too. Mom had been good at talking to her throughout the day, asking her questions, and waiting politely for an answer. Susannah tried, but sometimes it sapped all her strength just to feed and bathe her sister until there wasn’t any energy left for chit-chat.
After dinner, Derek cleared the table off while Susannah settled Kitty in her bed. “Are you ready to open some presents?” she asked.
Kick. Kick.
“Well, we have to wait for Derek to join us. Don’t want him to be left out, do we?”
Blink.
When everything was ready, Kitty opened her gifts first.
“I’m going to make you a blanket,” Susannah explained after helping her tear off the wrapping paper. “I got the yarn from Safe Anchorage Farm. Isn’t it pretty? Remember when Mom took us to see the goats they have there? Remember the cute little babies jumping all around?”
Kick. Kick.
“And here’s my present for you, kiddo.” Derek reached over and pulled the colorful paper off a small rectangular box he placed in Kitty’s hands.