by Mya Robarts
Finally, it’s over. Almost all the soldiers exit the gym, leaving the mutilated bodies there. They give the crowd permission to empty the gym. While the rest of the town, afraid of soldiers, pretends not to know the Jenkins family, the Diazes offer help. The Jenkinses don’t accept it.
My legs wobble as my family and I make our way outside. I turn to look behind me. Only the Jenkins family remains to dispose of the dish … and the incomplete bodies of the bride and groom that’ll never be.
21
Epiphany
Rey and I lag a little; our families are walking way ahead of us toward the clinic while the Diaz cousins are carrying Olmo, Dad, and Duque. I’m still trembling, so he puts his arm around my shoulders, subduing my fears slightly. It’s over for now. My family is safe.
Rey stops and pulls me into a tight embrace. I lean my head on his chest and sigh, closing my eyes. This gesture of support and kindness must be what Olmo calls the human touch, and it is precisely what I need. Let’s stay like this for a while. Thankfully, Rey complies.
Sara’s execution is the reminder of why love isn’t a smart idea during war. Even sex might be dangerous. The fraternization rules should be stricter on cops. After all, they are foreigners claiming neutrality. What would happen if my arrangement with Aleksey was discovered? Would the two of us be the next Sara and Petrov? I shudder, and that makes Rey tighten his hold on me.
We finally break our embrace and hurry to catch up with our families. They’re already on the clinic’s staircase, talking to Tristan. The cop’s warm eyes become cold when he sees Rey’s hand on mine, but he recovers soon and waves at me.
I feel like I have to console Tristan, who keeps recriminating himself for not stopping the execution as Aleksey would have. “It was only you against several soldiers! We’ve never seen a cop come between Rocco and his victims before … right, Rey?”
Rey doesn’t answer. Throwing a dark look at Tristan, he enters the clinic, leaving me alone with the cop in the courtyard.
Tristan opens the door of the hospital to let me go in first. “You Starvillers don’t like foreigners, do you?”
“Foreigners, yes. Cops, not so much. What you did is unusual for a cop. You risked your life.”
He seems less gloomy, even determined. “You’ll see, Miss Velez. On the day of the recruitment ceremony, I’ll be stronger and make the troops toe the line.”
“I hope so. I fear rape above everything else,” I murmur.
“Really?” He seems pleasantly surprised. “Me, too.”
My head snaps up, and I observe him intently. Maybe he’s joking. But the hint of discomfort on his face, as though he is ashamed to have admitted an embarrassing truth, tells me that he’s being honest. He’s always surrounded by older, more experienced, and more dangerous soldiers. A lanky man like Tristan, who has a masculine yet vulnerable appearance—he, even with his military training, is also in danger of sexual assault. I never thought about it before. If not even the Accord cops are safe, I can’t be optimistic. Without a doubt, the troops will recruit me.
Tristan winks at me. “We have more in common than you think, Miss Velez.”
We enter an examination room where a dozen Diaz cousins, Baron, Reyna, and my family are about to share a meal. Due to the events of this morning, the atmosphere is somber, but they invite Tristan to take part in it. My eyes search for Rey.
“He went home to get some rest. Rey didn’t sleep at all last night,” says Duque. He sounds exhausted. It’s evident that Duque got little sleep, too, and he doesn’t seem to be enjoying the company of his relatives. I understand why he would rather be by himself. I share his feelings. The Diazes are great people, but I’m not a social person. I need to be alone. I have so much to think about.
I leave the room as discreetly as I can and head to the staircase. The wind forces me to pull on my hood as I stand at the top of it, contemplating the city and its surroundings. Aleksey’s words play in my mind. It’d be a nice change to risk my life for something I want for myself. It’s only now that I understand how much it would cost if we were discovered.
Sara’s death has put me on edge, and Tristan’s confession has hit me hard. No wonder the cops rarely face the troops. I wanted to see where things would go with Aleksey, but if even Accord cops can’t escape recruitment … if Aleksey and I could get executed, then …
I descend the stairs in seconds, Poncho running behind me. I’ve had an epiphany. Even now that I have another option—a man who awoke in me a desire I’ve never felt before—Rey is still the safest choice for an emergency deflowering. I’m sorry, Mr. Fürst, but I won’t risk my life. Or yours.
I can’t wait anymore until Rey makes a decision, although I know that’d be the moral thing to do. The last time we were alone in my room, he was the one who crossed our friendship lines. I have to ask him once and for all if he will ever have sex with me. Perhaps it is a strange trick of destiny that Baron and Reyna will be at the clinic all afternoon with the Diaz relatives to attend to Duque. Rey and I will be completely alone. We can talk. We can make love.
The afternoon sun becomes scorching as I dash toward the multifamily complexes. I am ready for a second attempt at having sex with my best friend.
22
Lila’s country
The key Rey gave me disappeared during the air raid, but Buck Weaver taught me how to pick locks without keys. I order Poncho to wait for me outside, and I enter the one-room apartment.
A table, a stove, and two bunk beds are the only furniture. Religious images and Bible quotes cover the cracks in the walls. Everything smells of wood and disinfectant. The Diazes keep the apartment clean, so there are no cockroaches, but the black ants sneak in anyway. Rey never kills them. Instead, he captures them and takes them outside.
I tentatively pull the curtain that divides the room. “Rey? Can I enter?”
All I hear is deep breathing. Rey’s taking a nap on the lower bunk. His long hair covers half his face, and he looks so peaceful that I can’t help but stare. I keep looking until I realize that I’m wasting precious time.
I wish I didn’t have to do this, but I undress. I couldn’t press my breasts with bands this morning, so I’m topless in less than a second. My nudity makes me feel uncomfortable, and the image of Sara’s bridal sheet invades my mind. At this moment, I wish I had it with me. Taking away the barrier of my clothes makes me feel like I’m letting down other barriers that protect me from showing my true self. How do other people have sex so easily all the time? It’s nerve-wracking to let someone else see you inside and out.
I have to do whatever I can to avoid recruitment, so I don’t understand why I’m hesitating. I’m shaking, and these aren’t passion tremors.
I feel ashamed of my nakedness. I have to get dressed again. We can do it with clothes on, can’t we? I begin to put on my dress when her name stops me dead in my tracks.
“Angie,” Rey says, still sleeping.
Why do I suddenly feel dirty and cheap? I’ve known all along that he loves her, and that’s one of the reasons I feel safe around him. What I need from Rey is sexual gentleness, not love. We won’t hurt each other as long as he’s unable to move on. But a bitter envy has killed the resolution that brought me here. When the war ends, will I find someone who loves me the way he loves her?
I look at his sleeping figure again. If he had tried to touch me while I wasn’t sentient, wouldn’t that have been abusive? This is wrong.
I’m about to leave the apartment, hoping he’ll never know that I was here when I trip on my cloak and fall on my butt with a loud thud.
Rey springs up in a defensive stance. “Who’s there?” He sees me sprawled awkwardly on the floor.
Dammit! Glancing up at his confused face from this position, I feel small.
He grins. “Did you trip, or are the ants explaining their plans to take over the world?”
There’s the joking Rey I’ve missed. The one who vanished after Angie married Buck Weaver.
“I�
��I came to talk to you, but you were sleeping.”
He takes a moment to look at me. I couldn’t feel more awkward.
“I need to talk to you, too.” Rey lifts me from my tangled cloak, closes the door on Poncho’s face, and lays me on the lower bunk.
For a while he says nothing. Then: “Lily, what will you do after the ceremony?”
“If they don’t recruit me, I may leave Starville.”
I see the anguish on Rey’s face. “You can’t go far without an all-terrain. Even if you could, they wouldn’t admit you in another city without a j-device.” His tone is urgent. “And you can’t skip recruitment or they’ll execute you.”
“I prefer death to recruitment anyway.” He’s so horrified by my admission that I quickly add, “Shiloh is close. They’ll admit me if I find a job. I can come here every year for recruitment until they—”
“Life isn’t much better in Shiloh, and your family needs you. I need you.”
I can’t share Aleksey’s plan with him yet. It sounds too good to be true. If my family leaves Starville, why shouldn’t I try to leave, too? What if something ruins it?
I stare at my hands. “It’d be difficult, but that’s what I want and—”Out of nowhere, I have an idea. “Hey, why don’t you all come with me? It would be the best for Duque—”
“The best? What about TCR?”
I purse my lips. I haven’t thought of that. Who will take a stand against the Patriots if we don’t? But there must be something we can do for Duque.
“You would flee the country if you could, wouldn’t you?” he asks.
“Maybe.” I’m not apologizing for that. “Anyway, fleeing the country is impossible, so what’s the point of—”
“It’s easier to run away than to stay and fight for a change in our own country,” he says sternly.
I sigh and look at the ceiling. I won’t engage in this discussion with Rey. He can go off on political rants for hours. Besides, I agree with him; I want to fight and improve the conditions of my country. Except that the Nationalist States isn’t my country. If my country hadn’t been divided, recruitment laws would never have been approved. And what could I do for the resistance if Patriots recruited me? When it comes to recruitment, I can’t be idealistic.
“This city is our home,” says Rey passionately. “It’s not perfect, but these lands belong to us and we belong to these lands. They’re the heritage of my ancestors and a loan from my descendants. Leaving my property to Patriots … I can’t do that.”
“What do you want to do?” I ask, eager to change the subject.
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” For a few moments, there’s only silence. Then Rey swallows hard. “Did you know that Angie’s dead?”
Her name again. “Your dad asked us never to tell you.”
“Everybody thought they were keeping the news from me. But as absurd as this sounds, a month after they took her, I felt like a part of me was missing. When I asked Mrs. Busko, she said she’d received the letter.”
The letter includes a form of compensation that the Patriot Government sends to the families of those who die after servicing the troops. The recruits are part of the Patriot army, and their families receive coupons and a letter of condolence signed by Maximillian Kei when they die.
Rey holds my hand. “After I realized that she wasn’t coming back, I thought I’d return to the seminary.” The way he’s looking at me makes me blush. “But you changed that.”
“Me? Why?”
“I thought I loved you like a sister, but that night when you told me you wanted me … I realized I wanted you, too. I never thought I could want somebody else. And I know I’m greedy and vain, but … now that there’s competition, I feel a greater pull toward you.”
“Competition?”
Rey frowns. “That cop, the slender one. He kept coming between us today. Didn’t you notice? I guess he was jealous, too. And the big one … he seems to like you. I want them to stay away from you. I have no right to feel protective, but I can’t help it. I want you to be my wife.”
I gasp. “Wife?”
“After recruitment, when the Commissioner issues marriage licenses again, we’ll marry, Lily.”
“No! That’s not what—”
“Listen to me. I was determined never to look at a woman again … to devote my life to the resistance and to later become a priest, but I want to start a family, have babies.”
Babies! I swallow hard and look at the door. Perhaps I should escape.
“It’s what our creator wants.” He blushes and inhales deeply. “Other guys make fun of me. They think that because of my years in the seminary … that I’m against … certain pleasures. But I’m not. Our creator told us, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but he must have known that we would disobey without motivation, so he created pleasure—”
His tone is so serious that I’m worried about what he will say next.
“—otherwise, why did he give us such sensitive … um … body parts? Why does it feel so good if he didn’t want us to—?”
I cover my face with my hands to suppress a giggle. Rey has always had a bizarre sense of humor, but right now he’s talking in earnest. I don’t know how to feel about his mention of sensitive body parts in a religious context. Azzy would have a field day with this one, but Rey has never laughed at me, not even when I tried to seduce him. The least I can do is take him seriously.
He seems oblivious to my embarrassment and kisses my forehead. “I won’t lie to you. I’ll love her for as long as I live, but I can’t pretend that I don’t have strong feelings for you. And you can’t, either. You love me beyond friendship.”
He’s wrong. I care for him, but this is not even a shadow of my parents’ love. If what I’m feeling were real love, my mouth wouldn’t crave Aleksey’s kisses. And if Rey really, truly loved me, his ex would be history. I wish there were a way to tell him I don’t love you without hurting his feelings.
“I wouldn’t marry you even if you loved me exclusively.” Rey’s face crumples, so I hastily add, “If the war doesn’t stop, I won’t marry anyone.” I’m under no illusions that the war will stop in time for me to escape death.
He stands up abruptly and exits the room. Is he mad?
For a while, all I hear is the rain slamming against the window. Then a succession of musical tones blends with the rain. He’s playing the guitar. The music is a soft mix of notes that convey innocence, sweetness, and longing. Like a child’s song, but with a hint of sadness.
Rey doesn’t stop the music when he pushes the curtain aside and reenters the room. His angelic voice sings a Spanish melody, and my heart melts. This song is evidently written for me. I love that each verse starts with my name.
My Spanish is rusty, but I understand the gist of the song.
Lila, you’re so innocent and I want you,
But now that I have you in my arms, I remember her.
I’m not thinking about you, and I won’t steal your first time,
Your innocence,
While I’m thinking about another girl.
Lila, I beg you, I’m desperate here,
Embrace me and make me forget her.
Because I don’t know who I am.
Am I a dreamer? Am I a fool?
Am I someone who wants to love you?
I’m so moved, I cannot find my voice. How many men would not jump at the first opportunity to have sex, disregarding the girl’s feelings? Rey’s honesty is disarming. We’ll never fall in love with each other, and we’ll never be a couple, but if Rey deflowers me, we’ll make a statement: The troops don’t own our bodies.
We’re wasting precious time. Rey and I should make love now; no more marriage talk.
“I won’t ever marry, Rey.”
“Then what do you want?”
“I … want—”
“You want me to deflower you?” he whispers.
I nod.
His eyes ignite with desire. In a swift mov
ement, he takes off his shirt. I end up pressed to the bunk.
Underneath him.
.
23
Lila’s “Sin”
Rey tries to kiss my mouth, but I turn my head, so he kisses my jaw instead. His hands fumble with the top buttons of my dress while his lips slide to my neck. I enjoy the contact, but for a reason, I cannot offer him my mouth.
Suddenly, Aleksey’s serious face flashes in my mind’s eye. I shouldn’t think about him at a time like this.
Rey doesn’t notice. He takes my wrists and presses them firmly above my head. “Oh, Lily! I want to, but we’ll get married first.”
I finally allow Rey’s mouth to find mine, but the raging storm that overtook me when Aleksey kissed me isn’t brewing.
His hands slide down from my shoulders and search beneath my dress. A place he has never touched before. Rey stops right before he touches me, and I realize that he isn’t really trying.
I put my feet on his stomach and push. He falls to the floor and looks up in confusion. My tone is accusatory. “If you won’t do it, why did you touch me like that? I thought we’d make love, but you’re just teasing me.”
“I wanted to show you how good it’ll be when we finally get married.”
I cross the room, desperate for space. “I won’t marry you, and I won’t wait ‘til after the Recruitment ceremony.” I can’t live following Starville’s customs, and it’s disappointing to realize that this life is exactly what Rey wants.
He’s on his feet in a second, and there’s a definite no in his voice. “And I’ll make love to you only after we marry—”
My hopes shatter into thousands of pieces. He’s killed any possibility of my having sex with a person I know and trust. I turn my back to him and find myself looking into his wall mirror. “Then don’t touch me like that again.”
Rey’s reflection turns its back on me and remains still for a long time.
“The other night, in my room, you acted as though you wanted me,” I say, breaking the silence. “Why do you keep teasing me?”
Rey paces the room. “Because you’re trying too hard to get rid of something you might value later.”