by Mya Robarts
* * *
We go for a walk on a rocky beach. As he promised, I’m walking in a different way, mostly because I’m deliciously sore. His arm is around my shoulder, and his long hair flies with the wind. I can’t help it—I ogle him. He looks so human and attractive now that he’s talking about his past.
“When my father appeared in my life, I welcomed him as a savior. As the hero who was so much on my side that he had killed my enemy. He manipulated me into thinking that my mother would be better without me. I left her. She was pregnant at the time, and my father kept sending her money. But as soon as my brother was born, she disappeared. If they’re alive, I’m sure they’re hiding from him.
“My father loved military life, and I learned to love it, too. At twelve, I was already a cadet. He wanted me to become a general for the Patriot armies. But I knew of the cruelty of Patriots in Nationalist cities and vice versa. I decided to stay out of the conflict and join the German training camp for the Accord Units.”
I notice that when he talks about his father, his eyes fill with an emotion I can’t define.
“Do you love him?” I ask.
“We fight like hell, but—” He stops and looks thoughtful for a moment. “Mmm, this is the first time I’ve admitted this.”
“Why?”
He shrugs. “He may have been cruel to others, but he was kind to all of his children. If I needed him, he would leave anything and run to my side.” His gaze becomes intense, and he grazes my cheek with his fingers. “Sometimes you love someone you shouldn’t.”
His blue eyes scan the horizon. “But I’m not about to justify marital rape just because I can’t bring myself to hate my father. I’ll never forgive him and yet … it’s complicated.”
“Complicated how?”
He looks at me fixedly and pulls me closer. “Since I met you, I’ve been thinking a lot about hate—” He smiles at my puzzled expression. “And love.”
“And what’s your conclusion?”
He looks at the sea, then at me. For a moment, it seems as though he won’t answer. Then he speaks in a modulated voice. “Love is a wild, complex feeling that can’t be tamed using the whip of what is right and what is not.”
I sigh. What he’s said is true. Especially for both of us. I jump to keep a wave from touching my boots. “Yes, sometimes, you can’t bring yourself to hate someone,” I say. It’s incredible the way my feelings have changed since I met Aleksey. I used to fear that he was going to force himself on me, and there were many moments when I hated him. I couldn’t trust him even when he had proven himself, and look at us now.
He puts his hand around one of my hips, interrupting my musings. “You’re sore, aren’t you?”
I blush.
“I told you. You won’t walk again like you used to, Lila.”
He pulls me into his sturdy arms. The waves are soaking our boots, but I don’t care anymore.
“I’m reborn, too,” he says. “I’ve had sex so many times, but I had never made love. This was a first for me, Lila, and I can’t believe how much I was missing.”
This is the moment when I should tell him that I love him, but my voice fails me. I bury my head in his chest, hoping my words will return soon.
“I was so intoxicated with you last night, Lila. I’m not even sure I wasn’t dreaming. Did I tell you that I love you?”
I look up at him, smiling. I nod.
“You love me, don’t you, Lila?”
“Yes, I love you.” And just as I say it, I feel as though an oppression that was constricting my chest has left my body, allowing me to breathe freely.
His elation is evident, and suddenly my feet are not touching the ground.
“Whoa! Put me down,” I protest playfully. He ignores me. “We can’t be together, so let’s not get overly enthusiastic.”
He sets me down and leans in to kiss me. “Why not?”
I stare at him in disbelief. He knows why. “You can’t fraternize with the enemy or both of us will be executed.”
“Lila, you’re the reason I fought my way back to Starville. I came for you, to take you away and start a new life with you.”
I shake my head. He must be joking. “You can’t.”
“Aside from the obvious fact that you have led a very difficult life, why don’t you allow yourself to have hope?”
“I prefer to expect the worst. I’m always prepared for bad things so that they don’t catch me by surprise. If you were to stay with me, you’d get pissed off at me all the time because I’m not an easy person to love.”
He looks at me as though I’m crazy. “Neither am I. But I don’t understand. Falling in love with you is the simplest thing I’ve ever done. I fought against love so many times and lost.” His eyes look at me with infinite tenderness. “Why do you think you aren’t easy to love?”
“I’m a natural-born pessimist, and as much as I try to become stronger and act maturely, I—” I sigh loudly. “I’m a woman. I’m not the weak, simplistic, flawless creature the world expects me to be. I have more endurance than what society believes I have. I’m multidimensional. I’m imperfect. I make mistakes all the time, and I’ll make even more as life challenges me. And I don’t want to be afraid to make mistakes. First of all, because I’ll learn from them, but more importantly because they’re what make me human. You would have to be incredibly patient if you were to be with me.”
“Imperfect? Not for me. You’re multidimensional, human. Everything you mentioned makes me love you more. You forgot to mention the most important part of yourself: You’re a fighter. My fighter.” Gently, he lays me down on the sand and covers my body with his. “Meine mutige Kämpferin, I’ll be with you for as long as you want me.”
I look up at him and tuck one of his long, blond strands behind his ear. “No, you won’t. Everything is against us. Your commission in New Norfolk, the law, recruitment.”
Aleksey kisses me deeply, lingeringly. I forget what I was going to say.
He pulls away and looks at me intently. “You don’t have to worry about recruitment anymore.”
His kiss has left me breathless and has turned my mind into a mushy mess. I look at him in confusion.
“There’s a way, Lila. A way that wouldn’t have been possible if Tristan hadn’t been so valiant and filmed everything. Maximillian Kei has been forced to change the recruitment laws.”
The way his hands roam all over my body is distracting. I look at him. “Kei wouldn’t abolish recruitment.”
Aleksey kisses the hollow of my throat and talks between kisses. “He … will. Not now … but … it’ll … happen. In the meantime, the new laws will be the key to your freedom.”
A moan escapes my lips. “Ah! I don’t understand.”
He smiles wickedly against my collarbone. “Lila Velez Tcherkassky, you’ll join my unit as an L-class recruit. L for love.”
If, as we see nightfall, we become capable of accepting love,
let’s celebrate an alliance with our unbroken illusions.
Who ever knew we would say goodbye to oblivion?
Who ever knew we would accept hope?
General Fürst’s journal
Epilogue
The feel of gentle kisses on my shoulder blades wakes me up. He rolls our naked bodies until he’s on top. Expertly, he sucks and bites the tender flesh of my neck as his hands explore my body.
Waking up next to Aleksey’s hulking body in his New Norfolk room is such a joy. Now that familiarity has set in, I have discovered all of the men inside Aleksey’s body: the expert lover, the dominant alpha, the honorable soldier, the poet, the child inside the twenty-five-year-old man. It’s through the way he feverishly possesses my body that I catch glimpses of his bestial side. But the Aleksey I enjoy the most is the happy man.
“Can I put my pinky finger in your belly button?” he whispers in my ear.
“Hmm.” I’m too intoxicated by the ecstatic sensations his lips have brought to my naked skin to pay attention.<
br />
Until I feel it.
“Ah! That’s not my navel.”
“That’s not my pinky finger, either,” he says mischievously.
Aleksey’s tone makes me explode into a fit of laughter, but soon I’m not laughing anymore. The movement brings delicious vibrations that resonate all over my body.
He thrusts deliberately, delicately, deliciously. But my body asks him to speed up, and soon his gentle thrusts turn into merciless pounding. I turn to the mirror and take a look at the naked girl under Aleksey’s body. She doesn’t resemble a scared doe like she once did. There’s confidence in the way I’m receiving his sexual frenzy. Knowing that I’m the one who drives crazy such a powerful, commanding, strong man like him is empowering.
My new confidence comes from the fact that I’ve finally learned to trust myself completely. As a consequence, I’ve learned to trust him—with my feelings, with my safety, and with my body. I trust him so much that I’m eager to try C.N. with him. Soon.
After I descend from the heaven of my release, I look up at him in wonder. I marvel at the beauty of the man who is coming undone inside me. There’s a remarkable difference between his current enraptured face and the sad expression he had when I first met him. To the rest of the world, he is still an uncompromising, serious man, but in private, he shares with me his playful, fun side. He’s happy to the point of giddiness, and his elation is contagious.
When he reaches his climax, his body collapses over mine. Still inside me, he buries his head in the crook of my neck and doesn’t move. I love the feeling of his warm breathing on my neck, the way our bodies connect, the violent thud of his heart against his chest. Both of us are enjoying the glorious, euphoric feeling of being in love for the first time in our lives. The best part of walking the path of reciprocated love with him is knowing that I play a huge role in bringing about his blissful mood. I rescued him from his loneliness. And Aleksey seems to be equally satisfied whenever he acknowledges the huge part he plays in boosting my own happiness.
The fact that he recruited me only adds to the blessings I’m enjoying now.
Accord cops are subject to Patriot laws as long as they are in American territory. The new modifications to the recruitment laws—due to recent nasty incidents during recruitment ceremonies, including the assault on Tristan—created a new opportunity for the cops to aid civilians. The Accord Unit recruits them. Because I’m registered in a place where recruitment is legal, General Fürst’s unit has recruited me. It wasn’t easy. Aleksey paid a team of lawyers to find loopholes in the new laws. Finally, he got the official permission from Maximillian Kei to recruit me. As soon as he got Kei’s formal consent, he brought me to New Norfolk, where my family was already living.
Officially, I’m a cadet at New Norfolk’s Military Academy, a training center for future Accord cops. I had to pass extensive physical tests, and UNNO officials tested my neutrality with a polygraph. As soon as I complete the two-year training program, I’ll join the Accord Unit. Hopefully, by then, recruitment will be a nightmare of the past. But even if that doesn’t happen, I’ll do my best to help Aleksey build the kind of Accord Unit of which he’s always dreamt: one that protects people from recruitment.
This room in the spacious place where UNNO assigned him is an exact replica of the one where I lost my virginity. This room is home now.
Aleksey’s gorgeous, naked figure rises from the bed. I can’t stop staring at his fantastic rear as he crosses the room. What kind of alchemy brought a man like him into my life? He’s beautiful inside and out, and he’s rescued me in more ways than one.
“Are we going anywhere?” I ask, mostly because I hope he says no and we can have another round of morning sex.
“Yes, we’re going to visit your family.”
“Yes!” I shout delightedly, forgetting my lascivious intentions; we’ll have all night for those. I’m dying to see the twins. I bought candies for them and Poncho.
Aleksey secured a medical job for my dad in the Accord hospital. Dad couldn’t be happier. He had been dying to practice medicine again. The pay is modest, but he can cover the rent on a small apartment near the hospital. The hospital has staff members who specialize in the kind of fibrosis from which Olmo suffers.
My brother’s condition has improved, and he has been gaining weight. Azzy pokes fun at him all the time because he eats almost as much as Aleksey does. Yet she’s eating a lot and attaining a healthier weight as well. I don’t think the hospital staff has ever met someone like Azalea. Her sassy sense of humor scandalizes the nurses, but her remarkable ability to discuss Olmo’s condition and treatments in advanced medical terms has gained the admiration of the medical staff.
After kissing me, Aleksey leaves the lavish room. I wait the customary ten minutes before departing myself. Others shouldn’t see us together.
On Sunday through Thursday nights, I sleep with the other cadets in the Accord barracks. On Friday and Saturday nights, plus weekday afternoons, I’m assigned to the service of General Fürst.
To the outside world, I’m supposed to be his assistant. We’re not allowed to have a relationship, let alone get married. It doesn’t matter. I’m his woman. He’s my man. When the war ends, we’ll find a way to get married. For now, being together like this is almost as though we’re living together. Even during weekdays, there are times when we’re supposed to be engaging in office work with his other assistants, but he just hands me a note that says: Let’s go to a quieter place. Then he takes me to any hidden nook he can find—a closet or a vacant office—to kiss insatiably. Sometimes we take things further.
Next July, for my nineteenth birthday, Aleksey will take a leave of absence—his first one since he joined the military. He has promised to show me the world.
Not everything is perfect in my new life. From time to time, I still have flashbacks. And my sister is having a difficult time after what Duque did to her. Azzy’s having nightmares, but she keeps her pain to herself and shows her snarky, cynical side all the time.
Tristan’s wounds have required three surgeries, and whenever I think about him, survivor’s guilt gnaws at my conscience. Our happiness came at a high cost to him. But whenever I visit him at the hospital he asks jokingly about my relationship with his cousin. Tristan, like Azalea, is determined to survive. He won’t lose himself because what happened to him. Hope seems to have become the key to his recovery.
Saying goodbye to Rey was easy and liberating for both of us. We were never meant to be more than friends, and now we can keep loving the people we were meant to love. Still, at times, I worry about him and the rest of the Diazes. Is Duque still alive? How are the Diazes coping? And what about the Comanches? Will they survive the war long enough for me to see them again?
I make my way confidently through the clean New Norfolk streets. The round, metallic-looking buildings seem to reach the dome above us. On a solitary overpass, a Humvee catches up with me. Just like on our first date, he barely stops the vehicle to let me in. Once inside, I muss his hair.
“You took your time, my Kämpferin,” he says, kissing my hand.
Love isn’t the solution to everything. But by accepting love and fighting for it, I’ve found a reason to let myself hope. One day we’ll make this war stop.
By the time that happens, I hope I’ll still be a V-girl.
V for Velez.
V for valiant.
V for voyeur.
But not V for virgin.
Discussion questions
1. If you were in Lila’s position, what might you do differently to attain the same goal?
2. How might an “us vs. them” mentality, such as Patriots vs. Nats, help or hinder a political state? How might this mentality currently shape our government? Consider bipartisan systems in your argument.
3. How might the current laws affect how society sees consensual sex, rape victims, and rapists? Which laws, specifically, can alter this perception? Or, perhaps, the perception of sex in general? Consid
er laws of consent and marital rape, and how these crimes are persecuted.
4. As of 2015, current American laws give more prison time for minor drug violations than for rape. In The V-Girl, this reality is exaggerated: specific drugs are for soldiers, and rape is legal. Do the consequences of certain actions create a taboo, or do these consequences have no effect on how “normal” something might be perceived as being? How might society shun an unacceptable behavior if consequences are not established?
5. In The V-Girl, soldiers are scientifically modified to become stronger, faster killing machines. In the early 2000s, the US Government bought thousands of pills, called Modafinil, to help US soldiers stay awake up to 90 hours at a time during times of war. At what point, if any, do you consider it unethical to modify the natural human state for combat advantage?
6. If giving a simple drug to someone to improve their ability to protect people made them more aggressive toward all people, and not just enemies, at what point would this become an unacceptable side effect? How could something like this be regulated?
7. Lila shows many symptoms of undiagnosed PTSD due to her mother’s attack: panic attacks, nightmares, phobias, avoidance of certain triggers, signs of depression, high alertness, severe emotional distress from reminders, and then some. How does Lila cope with this emotional disorder? Do her coping mechanisms help or hinder her ultimate goal of having consensual sex?
8. During the recruitment ceremony, only Tristan stands up to the injustices of the soldiers. Is there a way he could have enough power or influence to halt the ceremony? How could one, or many, prevent the soldiers from attacking the civilians? What would encourage the police, the Accords, to stand up against the soldiers?
9. Despite the fact that rape is legal in recruitment, the soldiers still alter the perception of the ceremony by hiding the attacks afterward. Do you think that Starville is an isolated incident? What might happen to the soldiers if footage of the attacks was leaked? To the citizens of the city?