“Stellar speed?” I said. “What is this, fucking Spaceballs?”
Soon the hold was vibrating violently, and I wondered if the old bucket of bolts would fall apart when the countdown reached zero.
“Three, two, one.”
I felt nothing when the ship supposedly reached Stellar Speed, and I guessed that was a good thing. The vibrating stopped, and the low, steady hum returned.
“I wonder where the hell we’re going?” I asked. I have a tendency to talk to myself when I’m trying to think something through. Luckily it doesn’t look weird when a sheriff does it. That was my job on Earth before I was hijacked to participate in the Vorak Games.
One of the Sasquatch-like alien guards came strolling down the corridor, and I moved closer to the bars. “Hey, where we headed?”
“Be quiet, bald monkey.”
“Come on, gimme a clue,” I joked, but the dude didn’t have much of a sense of humor.
He walked by, grinning, and tapped on something on the other side of the bars. There was a sound like a laser gun firing, and an electric shock hit me in the ass and just about sent me through the roof.
“Ahhh fauck!” Rubbing my butt, I whirled and saw a tiny gun barrel high on the ceiling behind the energy shield. “That’s gonna get you a swift kick in the balls when I get out of here!” I promised the hairy bastard. “You do have balls, don’t you?”
“Ask your girls.” He offered me a wolfish smirk and continued down the corridor.
“Note to self: give that dude a kick in the balls and a titty twister.”
I would be careful what you say out loud.
I froze and glanced around. I’d heard the words in my head, but that was impossible unless I was nuts. I was pretty sure I was still sane, though, or the last few weeks had been the most fucked up trip ever.
Nothing is impossible.
“All right, that shit’s creepy.” I whirled around the cell. “Who the hell are you?”
Did I not just warn you to be careful what you say out loud? It was a woman’s voice, soft and velvety and utterly delicious. But there was an urgency to it that was unsettling. Orcag has cameras and microphones everywhere. He hears and sees everything. But he can’t read minds, like some people claim.
Who are you? I asked again, in my head this time.
My name is Jules.
Okay, Jules. I smiled and waved at the guard with my stump as he walked by. How the hell are you speaking in my mind, and how can you hear me?
I am communicating with you through the nanobots that reside in your brain.
Reside? You make it sound like they’re alive.
Perhaps they are.
Okay, that was weird. Let me guess. You are Orcag’s secret nanobot hacker.
I am his prisoner, just like you, and like you, I wish to be free.
It sounded like she wanted to make a deal. That was interesting. Or Orcag was playing a prank on me and speaking to me in the voice of a woman, and judging by the voice, a hot young woman.
Where are you? I asked, wondering if she could see me through a hidden camera.
I am nearby.
Then what’s the plan? You give us all a nanobot boost, and we break out of here and fly into the starlight?
Yes, but only after you have acquired the artifact.
Of course there was a catch. What do you care if we retrieve it or not? I asked, pacing the cell and keeping an eye out for the guards.
That isn’t important right now. What is important is that we both have the same goal, and if we work together, we can accomplish it.
She had a point there, but I was still curious as to why she wanted the artifact so badly that she would risk her freedom for it. Just what was that thing, and what did it do? I didn’t press, however. That could wait until later.
After we retrieve the artifact, how are we going to get out of here? I asked.
Orcag doesn’t know it yet, but I control every system on this ship. After you return with the artifact, I will facilitate our escape.
That’s pretty vague.
Do your part, and I will do mine. That is all you need to know for now.
How do I know you aren’t relaying what I’m thinking to the captain? How do I know you’re not leading me by the lip right into the bucket?
I do not understand the expression, she said.
How do I know you won’t betray us?
You do not, just like I do not know if you will betray me.
You’re the one who can read my mind, remember? You know what I’m thinking, which puts me at a pretty big disadvantage.
You will just have to trust me then.
Says the voice in my head. I laughed at the insanity of it all.
A guard walking by scowled and stopped at my cell, placing a hand suggestively on the gun strapped across his chest.
“Hey, man, how’s Orcag coming along on that cheeseburger?” I said affably.
“You are a funny gimp. A funny gimp and a bald monkey,” he said with a sneer.
“Gimp?” I said, then looked at the stump on my left forearm. “Oh yeah, that reminds me. I gotta take a shit. You mind giving me a hand?” I stretched out my stump and let my eyebrows dance. “See what I did there?”
He snarled, and I waited for an electric bolt to hit me in the ass. None came, and the guard continued on his patrol.
Why do you taunt your captors?
Why not? Orcag needs me too much for the guards to do any real damage. Besides, that guy’s a dick.
You are impulsive. That could create problems during the mission.
Don’t worry about me, Jules. I got my shit covered.
I do not understand. What does burying feces have to do with the mission?
It means you don’t have to worry about me. Tell me about Orcag. Is he as slimy a character as he seems?
Orcag is ruthless. That is why he survived the arena.
We survived the arena. How do you know we aren’t ruthless?
You worked together to free yourselves. That shows me you see the benefit in working as a team toward a common goal. Even when you had a chance to kill your teammates, you did not.
How do you know that?
I have seen footage of the match.
That shit was televised?
It was recorded, and I found the footage.
Uh, how complete is it? I thought of the many sex sessions I’d had with the girls, and the thought of being on some galactic porn website made me chuckle.
If you are wondering if there is footage from inside your camps, the answer is yes, there is detailed footage.
Great. I’ve wanted to be famous all my life, and now I’m the star of an intergalactic sex tape. I rubbed my eyes and tried not to think about a bunch of aliens whacking off to me and my girls. What does Orcag intend to do with us after we’ve retrieved the artifact? I’m assuming he isn’t going to let us go.
Your assumption is a wise one, Jules said gravely. He will never let you go, that I am sure of. He likes to acquire powerful creatures who can serve a purpose. As long as you are useful to him, he will keep you. Once you are no longer useful, you will be killed.
How did you catch his attention? I asked. If you can hack into the nanobots, you must have been a pretty high-profile target.
I am unique. She left it at that, but I knew she had a story to tell. Everyone did.
So when am I going to meet you? Are we going to have, like, a little Ocean’s Eleven powwow before we start the mission?
We will not be meeting in person until after you retrieve the artifact.
Why not? I asked, trying not to sound too suspicious, but it’s kind of hard when you’re talking with thoughts.
Where I am being kept, you cannot go until the end.
Oh great, a riddle, but fair enough.
Orcag has sent for you. We will talk again soon, Harry.
No sooner had she said it than two guards came striding down the corridor. They stopped at my cell, and Dickhead de
activated the glowing bars. The other one opened the door and gestured for me to come out.
“That cheeseburger ready?” I asked Dickhead.
“Captain Orcag requests your presence,” he said and reached for my arm.
I kicked him in the balls with all my might. I mean, I really went for it, like I was punting the winning point. To my dismay it was like kicking a Ken doll.
Dickhead grabbed me by the throat and lifted me off the ground with ease. “I am female, you ignorant bald monkey.” She popped me on the head like I was a field mouse and she was Little Bunny Foo Foo, and everything went black.
I came to as the girls were being rounded up. We were led along rusting corridors, them at gunpoint and me by the nape of my neck. I was glad when we didn’t return to Orcag’s swampy den but entered a large room with a circular holograph table in the center. Orcag stood on the other side of the table, his tentacles splayed beneath him, his green and brown speckled belly reaching the floor.
“My thieves,” he said jovially and spread his arms over the table. “Welcome.”
Sasquatch chick gave me a shove, and I caught myself on the edge of the table.
“You will live to regret hurting my Harry,” Val told her, the two stared each other down for a few seconds.
“Please,” said Orcag with a wave of his fat hand. “Leave us.”
The guards left the room, and the girls gathered around the table.
The hologram of a jungle immediately came to life before us, then the camera zoomed in on a beautiful clearing beside a waterfall that looked on a par with Niagara Falls. There was a tall but bulbous skyscraper built into the cliff on one side of the river that fed the falls. It was at least fifty stories tall and looked like a space version of the Taj Mahal casino in Las Vegas.
“What are we looking at?” I asked. The girls fanned out to my left and right, and I glanced at them to gauge how they had taken their captivity.
They were pissed.
“This is Paradise Jungle on the planet Vlesh. This world is home to the Tornack, a reptilian species known for their wit, wealth, and cruelty.”
“Sounds like a great place to vacation.”
Purshia laughed, at least.
“This is Malagag’s gambling den. He was my former business partner.” Orcag gestured to the building. “The Tornack are also known for their luxurious gambling houses, and Malagag’s is the most famous of them all.”
“Why?” Ella asked. “It’s just a hotel next to a waterfall.”
“I have heard of this Malagag,” said Val. “The gambling house is in a spaceship, correct?”
“Yes.” Orcag looked her up and down, glanced at me, then grinned. “Shortly after one boards the ship, it launches from cliff and enters space. From there guests are flown to the nearby tropical moon, where all manner of sinful delights await them.”
“I’m assuming we’ll be on the ship?” I said.
“Yes, because that is where the artifact is.” Orcag tapped on the interface in front of him, and a screen appeared that showed my fake space passport. At least that’s what I think it was.
“But won’t everyone know us from the news?” Purshia asked.
“The story of our escape has traveled to the far reaches of the galaxy and back again,” Ella added.
“Not to mention the porn footage,” I said out of the corner of my mouth.
“What did you say?” Val looked intrigued.
“Nothing. I was just going to say we’ll need disguises.”
“The nanobots inside you will take care of that,” Orcag said. “Trust me, you’re going to like the way you look.”
“Once we get inside, how do we find the artifact?”
“I will get to that. During this mission you will go by the name Lord Zed.”
“Sounds Canadian.” I snickered, but of course no one got it.
Orcag furled his brow. “Your lovely ladies will pose as your wives. That shouldn’t be hard.”
“That’s what she said,” Ella said with a straight face.
I high-fived her. “Nailed it.”
“Are you quite done?” Orcag said, and the big gills where his ears should have been flared like the neck of an angry lizard.
“That’s what she said!” Purshia couldn’t help but blurt, and we all had a good laugh.
“You are a curious lot.” He looked us over with quiet disdain. “A miracle you ever survived the arena.”
“We’re tougher than we look, Squidward.”
“I do not understand the reference, but I assume it is a good one,” he said evenly.
I offered him a wink, and his big orbs stared at me without expression.
“You and your wives will infiltrate the gambling house. You will check into your rooms, then you will go to the main floor. You will drink cocktails, rub shoulders—how do you say it on your world? Ah yes, you will hobnob. Then you will take a seat at the table offering the game of farnook. The game is played with two dice, each with eleven sides. You will buy in with one million standard credits and play the game casually at first. I will take care of that pesky thing they call luck. Your job is to act natural.”
“What’s the point of all this?” I asked. “I thought we were stealing an artifact.”
“Malagag’s suite, where the artifact is kept, is one floor above the Imperial Suite. He rarely lets it out of his sight. I need you four to win enough money to be invited to the Imperial Suite. The two suites share an elevator, and using it will gain you entrance to Malagag’s lair. Kill him and take the artifact. Then you will—”
“Wait a minute. Nobody said anything about killing anyone.”
“How did you win in the grays’ arena?” he asked sarcastically. “Surely you didn’t charm your way to victory.”
“I killed those creatures because I had to.”
“Good, because this time you have to as well. Do not forget what I offer in return.” He extended his nanoarm theatrically. “Complete control over your nanobots and the enhancements they can provide. Freedom to go and do as you please.”
Sure, buddy.
“I’m an officer of the law, and I’m not about to assassinate someone without due cause. Gimme something on the guy. Why does he deserve to die?”
“Hmm.” He stroked his flabby chin with his nanohand. “How about murder, child sex trafficking, extortion, and about two dozen other felonious intergalactic crimes?”
“But why do you hate him?” I asked.
“I have my reasons.”
“Is he really trafficking youngsters?”
A nod. “Of all races.”
Jules, you still there?
Yes, Harry.
Is he telling the truth about this Malagag dude?
I’m afraid so, she said solemnly.
That made my blood boil. “All right, I’ll pop the bastard. What happens once we secure the artifact?” I said in my best Clint Eastwood impression.
“You activate an escape pod. We pick you up. You get your reward.”
“Sounds easy enough.” I glanced at Ella, Purshia, and Val. “What do you think?”
“I think he still smells like bad sushi,” said Purshia, “and I never trust stinky sushi.”
“Fair enough. Ella?” I hoped she’d play along. To my knowledge the girls hadn’t spoken with Jules, and I hadn’t had a chance to tell them about her or her plan.
“Once we accomplish our task, I think he will betray us.” Ella stared at Orcag’s big orbs, and for a moment no one in the room moved.
Finally he laughed like an eight-tentacled Jabba the Hut. “I like this one. She reminds me of my first wife.”
“I think the same,” Val said, towering over the rest of us and glaring at Orcag.
You need to get control of your women. It was Jules again, and her voice made me jump like I’d been stung by a bee.
Not a feminist, I take it, I replied.
“Mr. Warwick, do you have something to add?” Orcag asked with an arched unibrow
.
“We don’t have a choice, do we?” I glanced at the girls and nodded, silently telling them it was all good. “We will retrieve the artifact, but on one condition.”
“Which is?”
“You give us our nanoarms back, and about that cheeseburger—”
“You do not need your old nanoarms.” He snapped a finger, and a velvety cushion floated into the room. “Try these on for size.”
The cushion hovered before me, and on it rested a golden cylinder. I glanced at the ladies, who watched me intently. I picked up the nanocylinder, inspected it, and twisted it onto the cap on my stump.
Congratulations, Warrior!
You have discovered a Universal Nanoarm!
Please select weapon:
Laser Gun
Laser Sword
Grappling Hook
Mind Control Dart
Energy Shield
Telekinesis
Nanobomb Launcher
Flame Thrower
Gravity Reversal
Nanosuit
“Nanosuit?” I glanced at Orcag, who grinned devilishly.
I selected Nanosuit, and the arm glowed. I heard a metallic clicking sound, and it grew up my arm, over my shoulder, across my chest, and soon covered my entire body. A helmet grew from the shoulders and encapsulated my head. I looked down at myself through the visor. I was covered in a sleek metal nanosuit, and the resemblance to Iron Man gave me a geek boner.
Congratulations, Warrior!
You have enabled Nanosuit.
Select secondary weapon.
I tapped on laser sword, and it erupted from the back of my metallic hand with a satisfying thrum.
“Talk about an upgrade,” I said to the astonished ladies.
Purshia cheered and clapped. “Oh, I want one, I want one!”
The pillow floated over to them, and they each took a golden cylinder and twisted it onto their stumps. Soon we were all wearing our sick new nanosuits and trying out the different weapons.
“With your nanosuits, you will be invulnerable to most bullets, even laser rounds, and explosions as well. They also act as space suits, providing up to seventy-two hours of oxygen. Please notice on your interface many extras that come with the suits, including a propulsion system located on your backs. But I would advise against using it in close quarters.”
Warwick: Episode 2: Galactic Fugitives Page 2