by Tee, Marian
Aeacus gave me a pained look. "Where is the meanness you promised us, milady?"
"Oh." I tried thinking of an excuse but my mind was a complete blank. "Shit."
The ARM sighed, and I grimaced when they went even further by shaking their collective heads at me.
"I just forgot myself for a moment," I said defensively. "A moment!"
"Indeed, milady," Minos agreed. "In that one moment, you had revealed your true colors—-"
"No, I didn't! What you saw was a...a lapse. But the truth is, I'm only occasionally kind. Most of the time, however, I'm really mean and bitchy and...and..." I looked at Hadrian hopefully. "You believe me, don't you? That I can be incredibly and excessively mean if I need to?"
My husband only smiled...and then wisely changed the subject after that, saying, "A decision has been made regarding your case."
I knew when I was being purposely distracted, but since being LOTUS meant one must always focus on more important things...
"Am I still being sued?"
"Persephone is adamant about not settling for mediation or arbitration of any kind."
"It's my first time to be at the receiving end of a lawsuit," I reminded my husband. "So can we just stick to yes or no?"
"It is, unfortunately, a yes."
"Shit."
"We have also been asked to submit counter-evidence—-"
"Whoa." I was more confused than mad. "That makes me sound like I've broken some kind of law." And while I might be occasionally easy to distract, even I would've known if I had done something that could get me arrested. Persephone might not think I'm goddess material, but so what? Since when did not being "divine" enough become a crime?
"Persephone's counsel has managed to turn the whole thing on its ear," Hadrian said rather grimly, "and we are now dealing with a quo warranto."
I bit back a groan. It had taken me two whole books before I could even understand why Persephone kept harping about deus ex machina, and now we had another new Latin term to tackle?
I glanced at the ARM, hoping they'd look just as confused, but nope. One look at their similarly grim expressions told me I was the only one whose vocabulary was lacking, and so...
"Can someone do an ELI5, please?"
Rhadamanthus frowned. "ELI5?"
"Explain like I'm five," Hadrian answered with an admirably straight face, and I couldn't help laughing.
"You go, babe," I told him with a wink.
"Thank you, babe," Hadrian answered solemnly without missing a beat.
"May I excuse myself, milord?" Rhadamanthus asked right away. "I have an urgent need to throw up."
Hadrian simply smiled while I took the higher road and ignored the R of ARM. "I don't get it," I told my husband. "I thought when I passed the Fates' test, I'd have successfully proven myself as Lady of the Underworld."
"You had, milady," Minos readily acknowledged. "Passing the test meant you've earned the right to rule by Lord Hades' side."
"And normally, it should've ended there," Aeacus said flatly. "But because Persephone appears very much invested in discrediting milady..."
"She's managed to found another loophole," I guessed gloomily. "Hasn't she?" I thought about the newest bit of Latin to stand in my way, and asked rather fearfully, "Please don't tell me the quo warranto thing means I'm about to get arrested?"
"It is nothing like that," Hadrian said assuringly. “A quo warranto primarily questions a person's qualifications to serve in a particular office. Or, in this case, Persephone's counsel is asking how long we are supposed to wait before you can exhibit or manifest the most essential requirement for an individual to be recognized as a deity."
I blinked and blinked, but I still didn't get it. "I'm sorry, but you've lost me at manifest."
"In other words, milady, what they're asking—-" Aeacus, ever the bluntest of the ARM, was the one who ended up explaining it like I was five. "—-is what exactly are you a goddess of?"
My brows furrowed. "Well, duh. I'm the Lady of the Underworld—-"
"Because you married Lord Hades," Minos emphasized. "What they are asking is your divine dominion, and it must be something that is yours alone."
"Take Lord Eros as an example, milady," Rhadamanthus suggested. "Even though he has yet to meet his mate, it's already been prophesied that his future wife and queen will be the Goddess of Soul."
"Doesn't Aretha Franklin already own that title?"
The ARM groaned, but when they also heard their lord and liege laugh, the three immortals turned to Hadrian with pained expressions on their divinely handsome faces.
"You could not have seriously thought that funny, milord." Minos looked ready to dial the God of Medicine's hotline in Silver Mist Hospital.
"Ignore them," I urged Hadrian. "It's because they've been crusty old bachelors for long, they've simply lost their sense of humor—-"
"Or maybe your joke truly isn't that funny, milady?" Rhadamanthus asked.
"Keep ignoring them," I told my husband again.
Hadrian's eyes gleamed. "As you wish, my love."
The ARM looked seriously ready to puke now, but because I was LOTUS, I decided to stay on the high road and walk my talk as well. My gaze solely focused on Hadrian, I asked eagerly, "What can I do to fix things?"
"Nothing."
My jaw dropped. "What do you mean nothing?"
"Simply that," Hadrian answered calmly.
"Seriously?"
"Where you're concerned, my love, I've learned to simply let nature take its course."
"But surely there must be something I can do," I insisted.
"Then..." Hadrian considered me gravely. "Could you promise me to stay out of trouble until our next court appearance?"
Hadrian's vassals had already started shaking their heads even before he finished speaking, but because I was still on the high road, I continued ignoring them and remained focused on my husband. "Can't you think of anything I can actively do—-"
"Staying out of trouble is something you can actively work on, love. A month of not getting yourself killed," Hadrian murmured. "Could you not promise me that?"
Before I could even open my mouth, Aeacus had already beaten me to speaking. "You're asking for the impossible, milord."
"A fortnight perhaps," Rhadamanthus said pensively. "I think milady could stay out of trouble that long."
Minos shook his head. "I'd give it a week at most. If milady could keep herself out of trouble until even just the weekend, I'd be mightily impressed."
But as it turned out, all of them were wrong.
I didn't even last a day.
Chapter Three
An urgent message from the Underworld reached Hadrian just as our synefia let us down in front of the Silver Mist Book Shop. Some god who went by the name of No Sauce of all things had apparently been caught stirring up mischief in the bowels of Hell, and Hadrian only had time to give me a swift, hard kiss on the lips before he and his vassals were off a-hunting.
Just watching him stride away made me start missing him already, and I had to square my shoulders and forcibly remind myself that being clingy would be a major turn off.
Absence made the heart grow fonder, Saoirse, so for your marriage's sake, give the dude some space.
And besides...
"I'm baaaaaaack!"
Ghostly applause erupted in Apartment 13B as I floated through the wall to make my grand entrance. A flurry of figuratively warm hugs engulfed me soon after, and even eight-year-old Mary Priscilla burst into tears, never mind if she also insisted afterwards it was only because the sight of me hurt her eyes. Damn little brat was horrible like always, but whatever. I was just too happy to get snarky in return.
The Underworld might be my new home now, but the ghostly side of Portland would always occupy a special place in my heart, and it felt great to be around everyone again, just hanging and haunting like old times.
Even better, none of my disembodied chums seemed to hold it against me that I ha
d ended up marrying the "enemy". I mean, sure, many of them still looked slightly ill every time I accidentally slipped up and mentioned Hadrian's name, but it wasn't like they were being deliberately offensive. My husband and my ghostly pals were like oil and water; they simply weren't destined to mix, and while I was mostly okay with that...
I glanced down at Mary Priscilla, who was in one of her rare moments of silence as she floated next to me a few inches off the ground.
It was only the two of us now, with the party having come to an end when the sun started to set. With the sole exception of Joaquin, a Spaniard cursed only to haunt in the daylight, most other spirits preferred to attend to their personal business in the dark.
And as for Mary Priscilla...
I knew the girl would rather wear denim than admit it, but the brat had been quite the loner since her mysterious death in the sixties. She had been this close to turning into a poltergeist out of sheer boredom, and once that line was crossed...
Well, let's just say I had saved the world from the worst nightmare that could've been, the day I started seeing ghosts, and annoying me had consequently become Mary Priscilla's renewed purpose in the Afterlife. I'd like to keep it that way as well, but since I was now LOTUS, and I'd have to spend more and more time in the Underworld—-
"You're looking at me that way again," Mary Priscilla said suspiciously.
"No! I mean, um, what way?"
"Like you think I'd be sad when you go."
"Well, won't you?"
"I won't die when you leave for the Underworld," she grumbled. "I'm already dead, remember?"
I let out a gasp. "Oh my. Is that an actual joke I'm hearing?"
Mary Priscilla made a face, and since I wasn't above such things, I made a face right back.
"You're so childish," she muttered.
"Childlike," I corrected her. "I have a childlike—-"
But the brat simply cut me off, asking, "Isn't the Underworld full of ghosts already? Why would you need another one?"
"Well—-"
"Or is it because you have an actual job for me over there?"
The cautiously hopeful expression on her face was all the clue I needed, and I heard myself agree rashly, "Yes, indeed. You hit the nail on the head." I could already hear the ARM groaning in my head as the words left my mouth, but as if such rashness wasn't enough—-
"You mean it, Saoirse? You guys really have a job for me?"
I went on to dig a deeper hole for myself as an even bigger and dumber lie left my lips—-
"If you really want to know, it was my husband who came up with the idea."
Mary Priscilla's face glowed with genuine joy, and I felt torn between happiness and panic. Since this brat only usually smiled when she had succeeded in scaring the bejeezus out of a human being...surely I was doing the right thing here?
I mean...only someone heartless would make a little girl stop smiling because of something as inconsequential as the truth, and when Mary Priscilla even started jumping like a normal second-grade kid—-
Definitely doing the right thing, I tried convincing myself.
"What kind of job would I have?" Mary Priscilla suddenly asked.
"It's...um..." Shit. My mind drew a blank, and so I ended up stammering, "It's a surprise."
"Just give me a hint then," the little girl insisted.
"Well..."
"Just one hint, please."
"It's...um..." I could feel myself starting to panic as absolutely nothing came to mind, and just as I was leaning towards admitting to Mary Priscilla it was all a lie, a rather unexpected sight caught my eye—-
Fuck.
An uneasy feeling of déjà vu came over me. What I was seeing right now felt awfully like another deus ex machina, but when I saw Mary Priscilla about to start nagging me again, I found myself throwing caution to the wind as I pointed to the sight—-
"Oh, look!"
I crossed my fingers behind my back as Mary Priscilla turned around. Some people believed a deus ex machina was a work of the gods, and since I, for one, knew better than most how gods could be either good or evil—-
Please let this be good, I prayed to the real God.
Please, please, please let this be a good distraction...
So I could still keep my word about not getting into trouble.
Chapter Four
Shiny bright lights of what seemed like a Chinese festival twinkled from a distance, and all thoughts of deus ex machina momentarily faded when a bit more squinting made me realize it was no mere
pop-up event I was looking at.
That was a whole freaking Chinatown ahead of us. An entire freaking town, sprouting out like a magical mushroom in the middle of Portland, and just thinking of it had me shaking my head in amazement. Was that place even real? As far as I could recall, the last time we had a local Chinatown was decades ago. So either this new Chinatown cropped up while I was in a coma...or...
I turned to Mary Priscilla, asking, "Are you seeing it, too?" As a former human with a third eye for ghosts, I'd become used to double-checking to ensure that what I was seeing was neither illusion nor specter.
"Chinatown?"
I gasped. "So you can see it!"
"I guess." Mary Priscilla sounded wary. "It wasn't there yesterday though, which is weird."
"It's not weird," I protested. "All that means is today is its grand opening or something."
The kid shook her head. "I don't think it's that simple—-"
"Of course it's that simple," I said airily. "Can't you act like an eight year old girl for once and just have fun?"
"Only if you act like the middle-aged woman that you are—-"
"That's below the belt, you brat!"
"—-and show some sense?"
"I am showing some sense here. It's called a sense of adventure—-"
"What about your sense of danger?" Mary Priscilla retorted. "That's an entire town coming out of nowhere—-"
"Exactly my point!"
The little girl blinked up at me. "It is?"
"We have an entire town to explore!"
Mary Priscilla groaned.
"Make that an entire magical town!"
The kid groaned again.
"I mean...can you just imagine how much magic was needed to make something like it?"
"More magic means more danger," the little girl said so gloomily I just had to shake my head at her. Honestly, this kid. She was just so cynical I wouldn't be surprised if she turned out to be Minos' sister from another mother.
An entire magical town to explore!
How could anyone resist such a thing?
"Saoirse?"
Certainly not I!
"Where are you going?"
"I'm just going to take a peek." I was already floating away as I spoke, and I silently thanked my lucky stars that I had decided to switch into my ghostly form before leaving the apartment. In today's era of security camera surveillance, safe "changing" areas in public were getting harder and harder to come by and—what the holy ghost?!
The brat had suddenly popped out in front of me, and I barely managed to keep myself from occupying her most personal space. "Mary Priscilla!" She knew how much I hated going through people, dead or alive. Most other ghosts had an easy time getting used to the process, but I didn't think I could ever adjust to how invasive possession felt, never mind if it was just a moment of me "passing through".
"What do you mean you're going to take a peek?" Mary Priscilla demanded.
"Uh...just that?"
The little girl shook her head. "I just don't have a good feeling about this—-"
"Fifteen minutes then," I said impulsively. "I promised Hadrian I'd be back in the Underworld before dinner, and..." I showed her my watch. "It's a quarter past six, which means we have fifteen minutes to spare. Fifteen minutes," I bargained. "And then we'll leave. Deal?"
Mary Priscilla started fidgeting. "I don't think—-"
"It's going to be fine, I pr
omise!" And to end the dilly-dallying, I simply grabbed the little girl's icy hand and dragged her alongside me so together we could go into the light.
I mean, lights.
And boy did those lights keep getting brighter as we came closer. They shone so much harder and brighter than Rihanna's diamonds that by the time we were inches away from its entrance, I had this need to shield my gaze with a pair of sunnies.
The noise had grown exponentially as well, and it was a glorious mishmash of festival sounds. Aside from the usual chatter and laughter, there was also the heavy banging of gongs, the crackle and boom of fireworks overhead, and the clatter of plates and chopsticks from hole-in-the-wall restaurants.
I threw an excited smile over my shoulder at Mary Priscilla. "Isn't this great?"
The brat just looked at me.
Once a killjoy, always a killjoy.
As we passed under the giant arch marking the festival entrance, I couldn't help yelping in surprise when the pair of gargoyle-looking creatures resting on the arch suddenly roared as if welcoming its newest guests.
"That's incredible!"
"It's just stupid motion technology," Mary Priscilla muttered.
"Back to being Little Miss Party Pooper, aren't you?"
"I can't help it," she said sweetly. "Someone has to be an adult around here."
I stuck my tongue out, and the brat snickered. "I rest my case."
Yeargh!
She totally got me there, but whatever. This place was just too amazing to let Mary Priscilla's parade-raining ways get to me. There was just so much to look and experience here, and no matter where I looked, there was always something entrancingly new to discover and delight in.
On one side of the road, colorful lotus-shaped candles floated down a stream that ran parallel to the festival's main route while red-and-gold lanterns drifted above our heads to light up the skies. I retraced their trail with my gaze and eventually saw they were coming from beyond towering temple gates. Even this far, I could easily discern several animal statues made of colored quartz: a blue serpent, a vermilion bird, a white tiger, and a black tortoise. They were all enormous in size and poised as if they were about to leap, climb, or fly over the temple gates at any moment.