by Angela Mack
“But I really, really want you to wake up Josh. I’ve been thinking about all the things we could do together.”
Oh yeah, like what?
“Like you could go to university. We could go. Or maybe we could take a gap year and go travelling. You said you’ve never been abroad, right? I’ve been to Europe a few times, but I’ve never been to America. We could go together. Maybe Georgie and Ryan and Mum and Dad can meet up with us a couple times, too. Like a big family holiday.” Tears began rolling down my cheeks, but I tried to smile through them.
That sounds awesome, Sunshine.
“Anyway, I just want you to know that if you do wake up, you have plenty to look forward to. And like I said, I’m not going to give up. I’m going to make sure that I’ve worked through all my shit by the time you wake up, so that I can one hundred percent be there for you. And I’ll keep making plans for us.”
Make sure you work Alejandro’s into your plans for us. I have been craving Mexican food for fucking weeks. And you looked sexy as fuck when we went there last.
“Yeah, yeah. We can go to Alejandro’s again.” I laughed, thinking back to the Nickelback concert. That felt like a lifetime ago now. A pang of guilt hit me.
“Please don’t hate me for going out tonight. I’m not moving on or forgetting about you or anything like that. I just…Jess and Sophie make me feel better. I’m starting to feel more normal again. And I want to be normal for you. So we can go back to normal when you wake up.”
I could never hate you, darling. Go enjoy yourself. I’ll still be here when you get back.
“Or, you could open your eyes right now and I’ll stay all night with you?”
Nice try, muppet. I’m not ready yet. Now, stop avoiding my brother and go say hello. He’s missed you!
“OK, OK. I’m going.” I opened my eyes and smiled at him, cupping his face with both hands. I leaned over and lightly pressed my lips to his. They were cool, immobile.
“Love you,” I whispered. Before I could think about it anymore, I straightened up and marched across the room. I batted the curtain aside and stepped through.
“Hi Ryan!” OK, I’ll pretend that we’re just chilling at home, chatting. No machines, no head brace, no hospital. I sat on the edge of his bed near his feet, careful not to jostle him.
“Sorry I’ve not been around much. I’ve, er…” I patted his good leg through the blanket, embarrassed that I didn’t have a good excuse for not seeing him.
“I’ve just been a bit of a bitch really, haven’t I?” I sighed again. “I’ve been such a wimp, Ry. I’m sorry.”
I never liked you much anyway.
“Oh, shut up, you brat.” I nudged his leg, giggling. “I know you didn’t like me in the beginning, but I’ve bribed you with enough food to know you like me at least a little bit now.”
I suppose you’re alright.
“Just alright? I am awesome! The first time I met you, I bought you pizza. And that was after I spent ages cleaning that bloody awful carpet.”
Shhh, don’t say that around Josh. He still gets embarrassed about that. And that wasn’t the first time we met, anyway.
“Oh yeah, you’re right. I bought you and Georgie fish and chips first. See? I am awesome.”
Yeah OK, I admit it. You’re a pretty awesome big sister. Tears pricked my eyes again.
“And you’re an awesome little brother.” I edged a little further up the bed, closer to his face. I looked through the bars of his head brace, my eyes flicking across his bruises and swollen skin. I ended up settling my gaze a little above his head, focusing on a nondescript part of his pillow.
“The doctors…” I hesitated, unsure whether I should be revealing the information to him. Then again, he couldn’t hear me anyway.
“The doctors don’t think you’re going to wake up, Ry. I know you’ve taken one hell of a beating, and I know there’s only a slim chance of you recovering, but there’s still a chance. I totally believe in miracles and if anyone deserves one, it’s you, Ryan.” I squeezed his leg. I was about to say something else when I heard someone clear their throat.
“Hey, Izzy.” Ollie leaned against the door frame with his arms folded, smiling. I sprung up off Ryan’s bed.
“Er, hey Ollie. I was just er, talking to Ryan.” I felt my cheeks colour in embarrassment. How long had he been standing there? How much had he heard?
“Oh yeah? He tell you why he and his brother are being lazy shits and still not getting their arses out of bed?” He grinned at me, taking a couple steps into the room.
“Erm, no he didn't." I felt a little awkward―I hadn’t spoken to Ollie in weeks. He and Josh used to hang with us all the time at school, but I had kind of lost track of him since everything happened. Actually, I hadn’t seen him around at school much at all.
“I haven’t seen you around much?” He walked over to Josh’s bedside.
“Nothing really seems to matter anymore. Not without my wingman,” he smiled down at Josh.
“I know what you mean.” We stood in silence for a few moments. I didn't know what to say to him.
“I feel like I’ve let him down,” Ollie murmured, and I looked over at him, waiting for him to carry on. “I knew for years what was happening and I never said a word to anyone.”
“It’s what Josh wanted, right?” He frowned at me, but I continued anyway. “Josh didn’t want anyone to know. I could have said something too, but I didn’t. He was scared that Ryan and Georgie―”
“Would end up in care,” Ollie finished, and I nodded. “Yeah, but care would be better than where he is now, wouldn’t it?” Ollie jerked his head in Ryan’s direction. I didn’t know how to respond to that.
“It’s not your fault―”
“Don’t you start with that bullshit, too. Don’t you feel guilty? Like you could have stopped this if you’d told someone?” It became hard to swallow again. I looked up at the ceiling, willing myself not to cry in front of Ollie.
“Hey, sorry. That was a dickhead thing to say. I didn’t mean it.” Ollie walked towards me. He reached out with his hand but dropped it before he could touch me.
“I just feel like I’ve been a shitty friend. Like I don’t deserve to be walking around all fine and dandy when he and Ryan are trapped here.” He glanced back at Josh over his shoulder.
“I used to think that too.”
“Used to?” Ollie returned his gaze to me. It was intense. His eyes searched mine as if I held all the answers. I gulped.
“Yeah. I used to think that if Josh and Ryan were suffering, I should be suffering too, you know?” He nodded. “I didn’t think that I deserved to have a life when they couldn’t have one either. But…” I took a deep breath. “We can’t let him win.”
“Let him win?” Ollie's brow was pulled down into a deep ‘V.’
“Big Mike.” Ollie’s eyes instantly clouded, his fingers clenching into fists at his sides. “If we flush our lives down the toilet, then he wins. We have to be strong and prove to him that he can’t beat us all. You’re right, we both could have told someone what was going on and maybe we could have stopped this. So, we owe them. We owe Ryan and Josh to do everything we can now to either make sure they have something to look forward to when they wake up, or―” Ollie’s eyes began to shine and I took another deep breath. “Or, we do all the things they can’t do, if they don’t wake up. I’m not sure I believe in heaven and all that jazz”―Ollie chuckled softly―“but if there’s a chance that they get to experience things through us, then I don’t want to waste the rest of my life. Because if I do that, then Big Mike really has taken everything from us. From them.” Ollie didn’t say anything for a while and I considered leaving, not wanting to remain in the tension any longer.
“I’ve not thought of it like that,” he finally said, his lips flattening into a straight line.
“I can’t take all the credit. It was something Jess and Sophie said,” I trailed off.
“How is Jess?”
&nbs
p; “Ah. Still chasing after her, are we?” I joked and he started to look a bit more like his usual self.
“She doesn’t know what she’s missing,” he laughed, using his hands to rub down his abs through his t-shirt whilst doing a weird wiggle. I rolled my eyes at him but couldn’t help but smile.
“We’re um, going out tonight. To O’brien’s. That new bar in town.” I hesitated, unable to shake the guilty feeling about going out. I didn’t want Ollie to think any less of me.
“You should come. We can have a drink, for Josh.” I held my breath, waiting to see how he would react.
“And Jess is going, right?” A mischievous grin lit up his face. I nodded, my lips quirking.
“Well count me in, then. Josh wouldn’t want me to miss a chance to get Jess drunk and take advantage of her.” He waggled his eyebrows and I frowned at him. “Hey, come on! I’m joking! I’ll be the perfect gentleman, promise. I won’t buy her a single drink,” he winked, and I shook my head, smirking. This guy.
“Give me your number and I’ll text you where we are when we get there.” I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and we swapped numbers.
“See you later,” I smiled, waving goodbye. I walked to the door but stopped, overcome by the urge to kiss Josh again. I hesitated, feeling embarrassed in front of Ollie, before deciding that I didn’t care enough.
“Bye gorgeous, see you tomorrow,” I whispered to him. I dropped a kiss to his lips, pressing a little firmer than before. I ran my fingers through his hair, pushing his fringe back off his face. I waved at Ollie again as I hustled out the door, knowing my cheeks were flaming red.
“Hey, Izzy?” I turned back to Ollie.
“Thanks. For talking some sense into me,” he smiled.
Chapter 14
Joshua
I was getting sick of wandering around the hospital corridors. 763. That was how many beds there were in this place. 119. That was how many steps it took to get from our room to The Quad. 67. That was how many ceiling lights there were if you walked from the children’s ward to the cafe downstairs.
I missed my life. I missed Izzy. I missed Georgie. I was fucking sick of being invisible. It was just me and Ryan, trapped in this weird, shitty In Between. I hadn’t seen a single other ghost around here―it felt fucking ridiculous to think of ourselves as ghosts, but what else was I supposed to call us? We couldn't be the only ones clinging on to life, right? But nope, no one else like us around here. This was how I knew that no matter how real this felt, it was all a dream. Or a nightmare, whatever. This. Is. Not. Real.
At least I still had Ryan with me, thank God. Even if he was only a figment of my imagination, it was nice to pretend that I wasn't on my own through all this. Whatever it was that my brain was conjuring up, I hoped like hell that I snapped out of it soon. I wanted to go back.
“Hey, er, babe.” I stopped dead. That was Izzy’s voice, I was sure of it. I whirled around on the spot, searching. I realised I had walked into a part of the hospital that I wasn't as familiar with. I couldn’t see her anywhere.
“I’m er, going out tonight. With Jess and Sophie. We’re checking out a new bar in town.” Her voice was faint, distant. I heard a chair scrape across the floor. I looked down at my right hand, flexing my fingers as they began to tingle. I started walking in the direction I thought my room was in, my steps becoming more urgent. It was like there was an invisible rope tied around my waist, tugging me in the right direction. I broke into a full out run, scanning the ceiling for signs pointing me towards the children’s ward. I skidded around a corner, pumping my legs. I heard Izzy laugh at something, but I missed what she’d said. I sighed in relief when I saw the double doors to the children’s ward, barrelling through them. I threw myself through the doorway to my room, bending over with my hands on my knees as I tried to catch my breath. Fuck, I was so out of shape. All this time lying in bed had not done my fitness any favours.
“Miss Lovey, she’s my er, counsellor at school, suggested I try talking to you. Even if you can’t hear me, she thinks it will help me feel better. So, here I am!” I looked up and there she was. Shit, she looked so beautiful. Her hair was loose around her face, wavy, as if she had let it dry on its own after a shower. I loved it when her hair went like that. She looked different to last week, too. A bit brighter, maybe? I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but she didn’t seem quite so...lost.
“I miss you so much it hurts, Josh. The doctors keep saying you should have woken up by now. Why are you still asleep, babe? Hmmm?” My fingers tingled again as I watched her squeeze my hand.
“I’m sorry, Sunshine. I want to wake up. I really fucking do. I just don’t know how.” I growled with annoyance. I wished so bad that she could hear me.
“I’ve been...struggling at school without you. And at home. I feel like a piece of me is missing all the bloody time. Soph had a right go at me on Monday. She said that you’d be pissed at me for moping around the place, when you were stuck here.”
“I’m not pissed at you, babe. How could I be angry at you for this? None of this is your fault. I don’t want you to be miserable because of me.” I walked around to where Izzy was sitting and sat cross-legged on the floor by her side. She was facing me―the real me―and I looked up at her face. I could see the love and hope shining through her eyes. How had I got so lucky?
She reached out and started to stroke my face. I closed my eyes, trying hard to feel the sensation. There was a slight tingling again. I shivered.
“Yeah, but Sophie was right. I was letting life slip through my fingers, and that’s not fair on you or your brothers. No matter what happens Josh, I promise I will look after Georgie. And Ryan.”
“I know you will babe, but I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I’ll figure this shit out and find my way back to you.” She was quiet for a few moments and I slumped forward, holding my head above her lap. I closed my eyes again, pretending I could feel her fingers stroking through my hair.
“But I really, really want you to wake up Josh. I’ve been thinking about all the things we could do together.”
“Really? Like what?”
“Like you could go to university. We could go. Or maybe we could take a gap year and go travelling. You said you’ve never been abroad, right? I’ve been to Europe a few times, but I’ve never been to America. We could go together. Maybe Georgie and Ryan and Mum and Dad can meet up with us a couple times, too. Like a big family holiday.”
“I’m not going to lie babe, I thought you were going in a completely different direction there. There are lots of things I wish we could do together right now.” I imagined raising my eyebrows at her, listening to her giggle as she blushed. I smiled, having achieved what I’d set out to do; lighten the mood. Something splashed on my cheek and I looked up, watching the tears slide underneath Izzy’s closed eyelids. I felt a pang in my chest. I wondered why the tear hadn't slid through me―it had hit my cheek, coating it.
“That does sound awesome though, Sunshine.” And it did. I hadn’t thought about my future. If I even had a future still. But if I did, I had no idea what it looked like anymore. I lifted a hand to try and wipe away Izzy’s tears from her face but of course, my hand slipped straight through. Fuck sake. Nothing made sense in this fucking place.
“Anyway, I just want you to know that if you do wake up, you have plenty to look forward to. And like I said, I’m not going to give up. I’m going to make sure that I’ve worked through all my shit by the time you wake up, so that I can one hundred percent be there for you. And I’ll keep making plans for us.”
“You’ve always been there for me, babe. Always. Even when I didn’t deserve it. Even though it took me forever to grow some balls and tell you how I really felt.” I thought back to when I first realised how much Izzy meant to me. It was after the Nickelback concert we went to for her birthday. That whole night had been incredible but when I’d kissed her goodnight, that right then, was exactly when I knew how much I needed her in my life.
&n
bsp; “Yeah, yeah. We can go to Alejandro’s again.” I smiled as she chuckled. Funny how we were both thinking of that night.
“Please don’t hate me for going out tonight. I’m not moving on or forgetting about you or anything like that. I just...Jess and Sophie make me feel better. I’m starting to feel more normal again. And I want to be normal for you. So we can go back to normal when you wake up.”
“Don’t be silly, you tit. Why would I hate you for that? Go out. Have fun. Just make sure you tell all the guys you’re taken, yeah? I’m coming back for you. Promise.”
“Or, you could open your eyes right now and I’ll stay all night with you?”
“I wish I could darling. I really fucking do. There’s nothing I want more than to spend all night with you in my arms right now.”
“OK, OK. I’m going.”
“No, no! Don’t go. Not yet.” She leaned over and pressed her lips to mine. I closed my eyes, running my tongue across my bottom lip as if I could taste her.
“Love you.”
“I love you too.” Izzy turned to leave but instead of walking out, she pulled back the curtain, sitting with Ryan. I rose from the floor, tuning out whatever she was saying to him. I stared at my body, gritting my teeth. I wanted to go home.
I took one large step until I was right by my face. The room tilted and I began to feel nauseous. There was a sharp pain in my side again and I clutched at it, feeling that red ridge through my t-shirt. I knew it was there again. I looked down and I couldn’t see the floor or the bed through my arms or legs. I was more solid-looking. I leaned down so my nose was only an inch away from my real nose. Wake up, moron. Wake up. It became harder to breathe. The walls felt like they were creeping closer to me again. My head was pounding. I felt like I was about to―