by Angela Mack
“I don’t...I don’t think…” Fuck. I didn’t know how to explain.
“You don’t want to have sex with a virgin, I get it.” She folded her arms, staring at the ground.
“Yes! I don’t”―she whipped her head up, glaring at me―“no, no. I didn’t mean…” I growled, frustrated with myself for not knowing the right words. She stomped over to me, snatched her bag up and turned on her heels, trudging back towards the station.
“Izzy! Izzy, please, wait. Let me explain.” I grabbed the bag, pulling her to a stop. She tried to pull away, like we were using the bag to play tug-of-war.
“Izzy. I’m not bothered that you’re a virgin because you don’t know what you’re doing or because you’ll be a disappointment.” Shit, that hadn’t come out right either. Her tears were starting to dry up and instead, anger was spreading across her face.
“No, no. Listen. Listen. I’m sorry I’m not explaining myself very well―” She yanked the bag out of my hand, marching away from me again.
“I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE LOVE!” I yelled after her, cringing as a few people leaving the station looked over at us. She stopped, spinning to face me.
“You...what?” I didn’t know if she was about to laugh or shout at me, but she took a few steps closer.
“I don’t know how to make love,” I repeated, thankful that she wasn’t running away from me anymore. I no longer cared about the weird looks people were throwing at us, or how cringey I sounded, so long as Izzy understood what I meant.
“I don’t understand.” She stopped a couple of feet in front of me.
“I have had sex before. But I’ve never made love. And you deserve to be made love to. I’m not sure I deserve―”
“If you tell me that you don’t deserve to be my first, Joshua Bugg, I am going to punch you in the face.” Well shit, how do I respond to that? She huffed at me, dropping her bag on the floor again. She closed the gap between us, linking her arms around the back of my neck.
“Do you love me?” she asked, smiling, all traces of annoyance gone.
“You know I do.”
“And do you want to have sex with me?” She cocked an eyebrow.
“Definitely. But―” She pressed her lips to mine, cutting me off. She kneaded the back of my head with her fingertips, opening her mouth and deepening our kiss.
“But nothing. Now get in that bloody taxi so we can get to the hotel before I get arrested for public indecency.” She waggled her eyebrows, making me laugh. I picked up the bags again, greeting the driver as we hopped in the car. He told us the hotel was only ten minutes away. My knee bounced the entire ride there.
✽✽✽
Yep, I definitely felt like a virgin right now. I didn't know where to look or what to do or what to say. My gaze dropped to Izzy’s arse, watching as she swayed ahead of me. She had checked us in and had our room key card in her hands. She looked sexy as hell in her skinny black jeans, striding down the corridor, leading me to our room. If you showed me a photo of the front of our hotel right now, I honestly wouldn’t recognise it. I was too lost in my thoughts about what was to come (no pun intended). The anticipation was damn near killing me, but I felt panic rising in me with every step she took. I had to make this special. Somehow, I had to show her that it didn’t matter that I’d had sex before. It had never been with anyone that had mattered. It had never been with anyone I’d even remotely cared about. I didn’t want to fuck this up. I didn’t want to disappoint her.
“This is us!” Izzy paused outside a white wooden door, sliding our key card into the door’s slot. It clicked, a tiny light flashing green above it, and the door swung inwards.
“I’m going to nip to the loo!” She disappeared into the bathroom, shutting the door before I had even crossed the threshold. I stepped inside, eyeing the double bed in the middle of the room. I dumped the bags on the floor, ignoring the bed to go look out the wide window at the far side of the room. Our hotel, made of grey stone and looking like a manor house from the front of a bloody postcard, sat at the top of a slope. It was surrounded by sweeping manicured lawns lined with neat, trimmed hedges. Gravel pathways intersected the lawns and I spied a couple walking along one, hands behind their backs. They looked a similar age to Sammy and Charlie. They stopped to sit at an ornate table and chairs underneath an archway, which was wrapped in roses and ivy. A little further on from them, I spotted a water fountain. This place was unreal.
“Hey.” Izzy wrapped her arms around me from behind, pulling me to her.
“Hey." I swivelled to face her. "Oh, shit.” She was in just her underwear, a lacy black bra and matching thong. I dropped my forehead to hers, closing my eyes. Was I really going to do this? Was she really trusting me with her virginity?
“As we’re on the ground floor, we should probably shut the curtains,” Izzy giggled. She knew exactly how to put me at ease. I stepped out of Izzy’s arms to fling the curtains shut. When I turned back to her, I took a moment to look her over. Fuck. She curled her arms around her middle, looking away from me, uncomfortable.
“Hey. Don’t do that.” I tugged her arms away, tangling my fingers in hers. “You’re beautiful,” I murmured. I stepped closer, my chest inches from hers. I let go of her hands to cup her face, bringing her lips to mine. I kissed her, gentle, exploring her mouth. I tried to pour every ounce of love I felt for her into the kiss. I took a few steps towards the bed, making her walk backwards until her calves hit the bed frame. I put an arm around her back, lowering her to the bed. I crawled on top of her, using my knees to keep me from putting all my weight on her. I placed my hands either side of her face, staring down at her. She was looking up at me as if I were the only guy in the world. As if I was completely worthy of her love. The adoration in her eyes sent a ripple of emotion through me and I blinked rapidly, mortified that I felt like I was on the edge of tears. I pulled myself together, shoving away all the pain and despair from the past few months. I let it all go, determined to focus only on Izzy, determined to feel as close to her as possible.
So, this was what making love felt like.
Chapter 25
Isabel
It was Sunday night and I was snuggled into Josh’s side on his bed, our legs sprawled out and tangled together. Oreo was nestled between us and I closed my eyes, listening to him snore as Josh twirled some of my hair around one of his fingers. There was a movie playing on his TV, though I couldn’t tell you which one. I was too busy daydreaming and replaying how amazing our weekend had been in my head. A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts and I opened my eyes, watching Mum poke her head around the door after Josh yelled it was OK to come in.
“Hey. Mind if we have a quick chat?” Josh paused the TV as Mum stepped into the room. This better not be another awkward conversation about sex or mine and Josh’s relationship. Although to be fair to her, she’d been pretty awesome about the whole thing. I was the one that had felt awkward broaching the subject with her, but I needn’t have worried. She helped me plan the whole weekend away and had even said that she’d spoken with Dad, and that Josh and I could sleep in the same bed at home if we wanted to. I was sure I’d dislocated my jaw; it was hanging open so much. She said she understood we cared a lot about each other, and we were both mature for our ages and had been through a lot together, so it was only fair that she and Dad treated us accordingly. This would be mine and Josh’s first night together at home, but maybe Dad had changed his mind and that was what she wanted to talk about? I hoped not. I loved the feeling of falling asleep in Josh’s arms. I didn’t want to give it up.
“Did you have a good weekend?” Mum asked as she perched at the foot of Josh’s bed, reaching out to stroke Oreo behind an ear. Josh and I glanced at each other, struggling to keep the grins from our faces as we nodded.
“Good,” Mum smiled. “I wanted to talk to you about school and a couple of other things, Josh.” I disentangled myself from him, sitting cross-legged as he pulled himself upright to pay attention. Oreo
huffed as we disturbed him, circling a couple times before collapsing back on the bed.
“Do you want me to leave?” I asked in case he wanted some privacy. I smiled when he shook his head.
“Nah. It’ll save me explaining it to you again later,” he winked. I caught a flicker of something passing across Mum’s face, almost as if she were relieved I was staying. Oh boy.
“I spoke with Mr Tapps at the end of last week. He’s agreed that it doesn’t make much sense for you to return to sixth form right now, given how much time off you’ve had and that there’s only about three month’s left of the school year. He also understands that your studies may not be a priority right now.” I watched Josh from the corner of my eye, waiting to see how he would react. His face was unmoving as he waited for Mum to continue.
“If you would still like to go ahead with your A Levels, Mr Tapps has agreed that you can start over at the beginning of the next school year. It means you will have to start your classes from scratch again, but you won’t have to worry about trying to catch up on everything you’ve already missed this year.” I winced, unsure how Josh would react to being kept back a year.
“OK. Sounds good,” he shrugged. Mum was about to say something else, but he jumped in again.
“Actually, do you think I could still carry on with my art A Level this year?” His gaze was fixed on the canvas photo we’d hung above his door. “If I’m only doing one class, I should be able to catch up OK. I know I’ll still be finishing a year later than everyone else because of my other subjects, but I’d like to work on my art project still. If that’s OK?” He looked over at Mum, hope in his eyes.
“I’m sure we can arrange that. I’ll give Mr Tapps a call first thing in the morning.” Mum smiled, but she still looked tense.
“I also spoke with Bill a couple days ago, at the funeral.” Mum's expression was controlled, neutral. “Your father―”
“Big Mike,” Josh corrected through gritted teeth.
“Apologies. Big Mike is not doing so well at the moment. He’s very ill.” There was no hint of emotion on Mum’s face still.
“He looked fine the last time I saw him,” Josh grumbled. Mum cleared her throat, taking a deep breath.
“When Georgie stabbed him”―wow. Georgie and stabbed him in the same sentence sounded so surreal still―“he did a lot of damage to your...to Big Mike’s liver.” Josh rolled his eyes.
“Oh, come on. One tiny stab wound from a nine-year-old can’t have done that much damage,” Josh said, folding his arms.
“He stabbed him seven times, Josh,” Mum said quietly. I watched Josh’s eyes widen; he hadn’t known the full extent of what Georgie had done.
“He was so scared that Big Mike was going to kill you. He said he kept stabbing him until his arm hurt too much,” Mum explained matter-of-factly. Josh didn’t speak, didn’t move.
“Big Mike needs a liver transplant, Josh, or he is going to die.”
“NO! No fucking way. Don’t you even fucking dare!” Josh erupted, launching himself from the bed, pacing his room. Mum and I looked at each other, confused.
“Josh, I don’t know―”
“Don’t you fucking ask me to give that shit head anything. I am not fucking helping him in any way. I’m glad Georgie stabbed him. I’m glad he sunk the knife into that fucker seven fucking times. I’d have done it seven hundred times if I could have!” He was panting, fists clenched.
“Josh, Josh! I need you to stop and explain what you’re talking about. I don’t understand.” Mum rose from the bed, peering at him with concern. Josh halted his pacing, wavering, trying to even out his breathing.
“You want me to give him a piece of my liver, don’t you? To save him?” Josh growled.
“What? No. No! Of course not.” Mum shook her head emphatically. “I would never ask you to do that.” Josh’s whole body sagged in relief.
“Sorry for um, yelling at you, I thought―”
“It’s OK. I’m only telling you this because the doctors think he only has a few days left. If they don’t find a donor, an anonymous donor from the organ donor register, in the next few days, then Big Mike will die.” Mum emphasised again that she didn’t expect Josh to donate a piece of his liver. I mean, come on, no one in their right mind would ask Josh to do that!
“OK. So?” Josh shrugged.
“So, I thought you deserved to know. In case you wanted to see him or get something off your chest before he dies.” Josh’s eyebrows knitted together so tightly that it looked painful.
“No. I have nothing to say,” Josh finally answered. "What happens if he does die?” His lips twitched.
“What do you mean?” I felt like I was watching a game of tennis, my head moving back and forth between the two of them.
“Georgie won’t be in any trouble, right?” Josh widened his stance, his feet planted on the floor as his fists clenched again. I wasn't even sure he realised he’d done it, that he realised he looked as if he had a fight on his hands.
“Nope. Under no circumstances will Georgie be in any trouble. Georgie was very brave and explained everything to Bill, everything.” Josh gulped and turned away. “It is very obvious that he was protecting you and himself from further harm. And that it was not an isolated incident.” Josh was quiet for so long that Mum reached over and squeezed my hand, before turning to leave.
“And if he doesn’t die?” Josh was staring out of one of his windows, arms folded.
“Then that bastard will rot in prison for a very long time.” Josh whirled around to stare at her and only then did she let her emotions show on her face; she wanted Josh’s dad to suffer for his crimes as much as the rest of us did.
“Oh, one more thing”―Mum poked her head back through the door―“Mr Tapps also said it would be absolutely fine if you wanted to start seeing Miss Lovey as well? It might help if you have someone to talk to?” She trailed off, knowing it was a long shot. I tried to hide my smirk when Josh snorted.
“Um, no thanks. I’m good.”
“Are you sure? Sometimes it’s helpful to―”
“I’m sure."
“OK, OK,” Mum laughed, holding her hands up in surrender as she backed out the room. You couldn’t blame her for trying. And, although I had been resistant to it at first, I was actually starting to enjoy my sessions with Miss Lovey. OK, enjoy was a bit of a strong word, but some of the things she suggested, some of the things she got me to think about, were pretty helpful. Sometimes it helped to have someone else’s perspective.
✽✽✽
“Come on, spill! We want to know everything!” I hadn't even reached the bus stop before Jess and Sophie began harassing me. I was running late and they must have waited for me, probably watching at least two buses pull up and leave without them. I’d told them last week what I was planning for Josh’s birthday and they were clearly eager for me to share the details. Not that I would. Well, not all of them.
This morning had been particularly hard to get out of bed. I blushed, remembering how wonderful it was to wake up with Josh. How wonderful it felt to not be anxious or stressed about going all the way with him anymore. I hadn’t thought it was possible, but I felt even closer to him now, like there were no barriers between us at all.
“Oh my God, look how red she’s gone! It must have been good,” Jess giggled as our bus pulled to a stop beside us. We clambered aboard and I gestured for them to head to the back of the bus. There weren’t many students on it, most having gotten on the earlier buses, so they arrived in plenty of time for the start of the day.
“It was incredible.” I was sitting between the two of them on the back row and they were both twisted towards me, leaning forwards. The biggest grin spread across my face. Jess squealed. I felt my cheeks heat as an elderly guy turned around to glare at us.
“Details! Details! I want specifics!”
“Did you tell him that he was your first? Did it hurt?” Sophie chimed in.
“It hurt a little bit the first
time. Not so much after that,” I winked.
“Oh, you slut! I bet you were at it like rabbits all bloody weekend!” Jess shoved my shoulder, making me laugh. A few other people on the bus threw scowls over their shoulders at us, the elderly guy from before huffing loudly. I tuned them out―nothing was going to drag me and my good mood down. I deserved this.
“We almost didn’t do it at all!” I retorted.
“What d’ya mean?” Jess asked.
“We had a bit of a fight before we got to the hotel. I told him I hadn’t had sex before and he went all quiet. He didn’t talk to me for ages. I was sure he was about to tell me that he didn’t want me anymore.” I remembered how devastated I’d felt. I had been sure that Josh would understand, and it had been crushing when I'd thought he was going to ditch me because I wasn’t very experienced. Sophie stared at me with her mouth wide open.
“What happened?”
“Well, it turns out that he was really worried about not making it special. He didn’t want my first time to be a disappointment. He said, and I quote, ‘I don’t know how to make love. I’ve had sex before, but you deserve to be made love to.’ He didn’t think he deserved to be my first.” Jess stuck a finger down her throat, pretending to vomit. Sophie swooned.
“Oh, that is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard!” Jess rolled her eyes at her. I couldn’t stop beaming at them.
“Please tell me you used protection all weekend, yeah?” Now it was my turn to roll my eyes at Jess.
“Just because I was a virgin, that doesn’t mean I’m a complete idiot! Yes, we used a bloody condom Mum.” Jess raised her hands in surrender.
“Hey, I was just checking! You never know who might be carrying something nasty,” Jess muttered. Sophie and I quickly looked away, hiding our smirks. Jess had learned the hard way that it was always best to use a condom, even if you were on the pill. She shivered, no doubt remembering her brief but painful experience with syphilis.