by Angela Mack
“I’ll give Sophie some extra copies of the handouts from today to give to you later, so you can catch up.” I nodded my thanks and fled the room, being careful to avoid Sophie’s imploring looks.
I tapped out a quick message to Josh as I walked, looking up every now and then to avoid bumping into anyone. On my way. Where are you? xx His reply was instant. Mrs DeLaney’s office xx
I hurried, reaching the art block within two minutes. I didn’t know why I felt so panicked, why I had an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. It couldn’t possibly be anything that bad. I stopped outside Mrs DeLaney’s classroom, noticing through the narrow window in the door that she had a classroom full of students. I scanned their faces, but Josh was nowhere to be seen. I pressed closer to the window, spying the closed door to her office at the back of the room. I felt awkward at the idea of interrupting Mrs DeLaney’s class and considered texting Josh again to tell him to come out. But what if he was hurt? Or upset? What if he was choosing to hide away from everyone? I took a deep breath, nudging open Mrs DeLaney’s door.
The students’ heads swivelled in my direction and I felt my cheeks heat. They were all in school uniform and looked to be in year eight or nine. Mrs DeLaney paused mid-sentence, following their gaze. She smiled at me, nodding, then carried on as if I hadn’t interrupted. I took that as my cue to enter and scurried to the back of the class, head down. I shoved open the door to her office and it banged against the wall in my haste. I winced, hearing the bang echo behind me, knowing that everyone must be staring at me again. I eased the door shut behind me, keeping my back to it, as Josh swung around on his stool to face me.
“Hey.” Although he didn’t appear to be in any obvious distress, something was definitely wrong. His knee was bouncing, and his fingers were gripping the edge of his seat, his knuckles white. He was staring at the floor, avoiding my eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. I walked over to him and went to touch his shoulder, but he flinched. I dropped my hand, frowning.
“I’m angry.” He looked up, his eyes crashing into mine. He didn’t look angry. He looked vicious, so much so that I unwittingly took a step back.
“Have...have I done something wrong?” I stuttered. I had never been afraid of Josh. He’d always had a reputation for having a ferocious temper, but I’d never witnessed it myself. Sure, I’d seen him snap, like that time he almost started a fight with Tom in the common room for no good reason, but he had never really lost it in front of me. I’d seen the state of Big Mike on Boxing Day, though. Even without the knife sticking out of him, he’d looked as if he’d gone five rounds with Mike Tyson, so I knew Josh was capable of some serious violence. But he would never hurt me, never lay a finger on me. However, as I watched the fury swirling around in his eyes, a tiny crack appeared in my resolve and a hint of fear poked through.
Josh must have seen the wariness on my face as he jumped up to come over to me, his face softening, but I baulked. He halted a few steps away from me, hurt flashing across his face.
“I would never―” he whispered. I immediately felt awful.
“I know, I know. I’m sorry! You just look so mad!”
“I am mad. I’m livid!” His fists clenched again, the steel returning to his eyes as his stare jumped all over the place. “But not at you! Never at you. At him!” Josh looked clammy, his breathing erratic.
“Him?”
“Big Mike.” Josh ground his teeth so hard it was a wonder they didn’t shatter. “He murdered Ryan! He...he killed him!” The hatred poured from him in waves and it was difficult to stand near him, fearing I'd get scooped up in his sea of rage.
“I need to find a way to get it out. Get all this rage out of me. Or I’m going to end up going back there and…” he trailed off, but his intention was clear. I flashed back to when he’d told us about how he’d tried to strangle Big Mike in the In Between. How he was so desperate to end his life, but for some reason, his hands kept failing him.
I saw some broken charcoal pencils lying on the desk behind him, as well as several crumpled pieces of paper scattered about. There was an upturned book on the floor in the far corner of the room, too.
“Can you help me?” He met my eyes again and this time, they were filled with so much desperation that they started to shine. I ran the few steps between us, flinging my arms around him. He clung to me, still shuddering.
“What do you need me to do?” I reared back, searching his face. He snatched his phone from the table, waving it at me.
“I need you to make me a playlist.” My eyebrows shot up. That was not what I’d been expecting. He looked sheepish, his lips twitching.
“I don’t know the right kind of songs. I need something loud and―”
“Angry?” I finished, trying not to laugh. He rolled his eyes, knowing that I was trying to hold back my amusement.
“Yes, I know, it’s stupid. But I feel like I need to draw or paint or something, but I’m not in the right frame of mind. I’m too angry to concentrate. Does that make sense?”
“Perfect sense." I seized his phone, hopping up on top of his desk, my legs swinging. He sat at the stool next to me, looking up as I scrolled through his Spotify. I arched an eyebrow at him when I caught sight of what he’d named his new, currently empty playlist: ‘Die motherfucker, die!’
“Well, that's original,” I chuckled, and he shrugged, but I didn’t miss the slight blush of embarrassment on his cheeks. I started searching for some songs from back in my grungy days, trying to remember the heavier ones.
“Spotify also has mood playlists, you know,” I said, looking up.
“Mood playlists?”
“Yeah, look…” I spent the next couple of hours showing him the mood playlists on Spotify (he particularly liked the ‘Blood, Shred & Tears’ one), as well as playing some songs for him I thought he might like. He’d almost fallen off his stool when I'd played ‘Chop Suey!’ by System of a Down, shocked.
“I told you I’d gone through a grunge phase! Whenever I’d had a particularly bad day thanks to Ellie, I’d turn this up loud and bury myself in a book.” I was tempted to crank up the volume on his phone and demonstrate exactly how cathartic it was, but as Mrs DeLaney was still trying to teach a class, I thought better of it. By the time the bell rang to signify the end of lunch, I’d filled his playlist with the most deafening, raging tunes.
“Do you mind if I skip lunch? Now you’ve sorted me out, I want to try doing some project work.”
“Well, as I've been here all through lunch, and need to meet Jess and Sophie in the library, course not!” I laughed. He lifted his phone, staring at the time.
"Shit. I didn't realise the time." I slid off the bench as he wrapped his arms around my waist from where he sat, head resting against my chest.
“Thank you for putting up with me. I don’t know how you do it,” he murmured.
“Neither do I,” I laughed, bending down to press a kiss to his lips. “I’ll make some more playlists for you on my phone and share them with you, in case you feel like painting to something other than death metal.” I winked, embracing him before turning to leave.
“Love you, babe,” he called after me.
“I love you, too.”
✽✽✽
“Hey, where have you been?” I flopped down in a chair next to Sophie. We had a free period but instead of being at our usual table at the back of the library, they were sitting at one of the computer benches. Jess leaned her chair back from the other side of Sophie, balancing on its hind legs as she spoke.
“Yeah. Sophie said you ditched biology and then you left us hanging for lunch. What’s up?”
“I had to help Josh with his art project. He’s restarting his A Levels next year ‘cos of how much time he’s missed, but Mrs DeLaney said he can carry on with his art.”
“Oh.” Jess and Sophie glanced at each other, worried.
“What?” I sighed. I sensed a lecture coming on.
“You’re going to end up having to r
estart your own A Levels as well if you don’t start catching up. You have exams too, and all that coursework you’re still catching up on. There’s only a couple of months left of the year!” I could see genuine concern in their eyes and although part of me knew I needed to pull my socks up and knuckle down, another part of me was overwhelmingly exhausted. Ever since Ryan had passed, I had been trying to make sure I stayed as positive as possible, especially around Josh and Georgie. Georgie seemed to be doing well now he was enjoying school and making friends. He still refused to talk about Ryan to any of us, but apparently, he was opening up to his school counsellor at least.
Josh, on the other hand, was putting on a brave face. I could tell. He smiled and said all the right things whenever anyone asked how he was doing, but I could see the pain that was simmering below the surface. Whenever anyone mentioned Ryan, he tensed up. And judging by the state of him when I’d first walked into Mrs DeLaney’s office, he was barely keeping it together. I hoped his art project would help him work through everything he was feeling. I was terrified that one morning I would wake up, and he’d be so consumed by grief or rage that I would lose him; he wouldn’t be the same Josh anymore. It scared the hell out of me.
So, I tried really hard to keep things light and upbeat around him, hoping that it might start to rub off. Hoping that it would start to soothe him. But my God did that take up a lot of energy. I wasn't sure I had much left to focus on my studies. Some days, I wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep all day.
“I know, I know. I’ve just been finding it hard to concentrate,” I muttered, massaging my temples as an ache began throbbing against my forehead. Karma for lying to Mr Radley about a migraine, no doubt.
“You’ve just figured out what you want to study at university, but no one is going to accept you if you don’t get good enough grades. I don’t want to nag, Izzy, you’ve got so much going on, but you can’t let this slip.” Sophie reached out and squeezed my hand, making my eyes well up.
“I know,” I repeated, looking up at the ceiling to try and blink back the tears.
“Let us help you. We can use all our free periods to study, and I’ll go through everything you’ve missed in biology and chemistry with you. It’ll be like revision for me, so that’ll help me too. Then it’s only history you have to catch up with on your own.” Sophie beamed at me so encouragingly, that I started to think that I might be able to do it after all. Maybe I could catch up.
“We were going to start researching universities and courses and work on our UCAS applications this period. Maybe that will help motivate you too, if you find the course and know the grade requirements to get in?” Jess added.
“God, I’ve not even thought about actually applying to university yet."
“Well, now is a perfect time to start then!” They smiled, turning back to their computers. They began tapping away, knowing exactly which universities they wanted to look up first. I stared at the blank screen in front of me, thoughts flying around my head. I enjoyed biology and chemistry, so I was pretty set on studying biochemistry at university. I had no idea what kind of career that would set me up for, but one step at a time. Mum had said to pick something I would enjoy and take it from there. So, my course was decided. But where the flipping heck was I going to study? Josh would be a year behind me (assuming I didn’t actually have to retake my first year too), and I couldn’t bear the idea of moving away from him to study at some university across the country. I’d briefly considered applying to the University of Nottingham as that was where Sophie was adamant she wanted to go, and it would be nice to have a friendly face. But that was hours away from here―I would have to move out.
And what if Josh wanted to go to a university over the other side of the country? No, no. He was certain he didn’t want to go to university. His circumstances had changed so there was no pressure to get a job for Georgie's and Ryan’s sakes, but I didn’t think he would have changed his mind about university. He always insisted he wasn't an academic sort of person. It irritated the hell out of me when he put himself down―just because he didn’t like maths, or science, or literature, that did not make him a stupid person. He was so intelligent in so many other ways. A stupid person would not have been able to look after their younger brothers and keep a roof over their heads, as well as keeping up appearances (mostly) so that no one would suspect what was going on at home. No, Josh was far more intelligent than he gave himself credit for.
But even if he did change his mind about university, no way would he want to go far away from Georgie. I’d mentioned travelling to him as well, but for the same reason, I didn’t think he’d want to do that any time soon either. Besides, if it turned out he was ready, I could always defer a year once I’d been accepted somewhere. Josh and Georgie were almost inseparable now. Sure, Josh and I would get some alone time watching movies or hanging out in his room, but he always knew exactly where Georgie was. Every minute that wasn’t spent with me, was spent with Georgie. And more often than not, the three of us would hang out together. I loved it.
OK, so assuming I pulled my act together and managed to pass my exams, which universities did I want to apply to? I turned the computer on in front of me, searching for local universities. There were more within a commutable distance than I had thought. I smiled, thinking maybe I hadn’t totally screwed my future up after all. As I began perusing different courses, I saw Sophie smiling out the corner of my eye.
Chapter 28
Joshua
I couldn’t believe I’d spent all day at school. Voluntarily. When Izzy had text me asking if I was still at school, I had been gobsmacked at the time. I’d completely lost track and if my phone hadn’t gone off, interrupting my music, I probably would have carried on for another hour or two. Not that I could use any of my artwork for my project; it was complete and utter shite. But I felt so good doing it. Every time I’d felt like punching something, I’d jab a big arc of charcoal across a page. Every time Big Mike’s smug face floated in front of my eyes, I’d fling some black paint, or some red. And every time I’d thought of Ryan, instead of shutting down and trying not to get emotional and trying not to think about him, I let it in. All my grief and the pain of saying goodbye swept through me, directing the paint brush in my hand. I seemed to use a lot of yellow whenever I thought of Ryan.
Before meeting Izzy to walk home together, I cleared up my mess. I wanted to make sure I left the room as neat as possible―it was the least I could do after Mrs DeLaney had sacrificed her office for me. I still couldn’t believe she’d done that. And after how much of a wreck I’d been at times, I’d been bloody glad for the privacy. I scooped up all the loose bits of paper, shuffling the pieces I’d been working on all day into a pile. I ripped out some of the used pages of my sketch pad, adding those to the pile too. I was about to dump them all in the bin when Mrs DeLaney came through the door and screeched at me.
“Do NOT throw those away!” She ran over and snatched them out of my hand, clutching them to her chest as if they were a new-born baby. “You never throw your artwork away, Joshua. No matter how much you despise them.” I nodded quick, shocked and confused that she seemed so upset. She started rifling through everything, tutting every now and then.
“I need you to promise me something, Joshua. Promise me that you’ll keep everything. You can stack everything up at the end of your desk and whenever I’m free next and you’re in, we’ll go through it all together, OK? We’ll select the best pieces for your project, and I’ll store the others elsewhere. OK?” I nodded again, not wanting to piss her off. She could be intimidating when she wanted to be.
“And we’ll also go through what kind of thing you need to write about too,” she said as she grabbed a large, empty cardboard box from a corner of the room, putting it on the desk with slipping my artwork inside it.
“What I need to write?” I asked, puzzled. You didn’t do any writing in art. It was art!
“Yes. You need to accompany each piece in your sketch pa
d with some text. Who the artist is that’s inspired you, what techniques you’ve used, why you felt inspired―that kind of thing.” She walked back into her classroom, dismissing me. Shit. I hadn’t realised I’d need to do some writing too. I sucked at writing. My spelling was embarrassingly atrocious, and don’t even get me started on when you’re supposed to use a comma versus a fucking semi-colon. Maybe Izzy wouldn’t mind helping me with it. Although even if by some miracle I could get a decent paragraph together, I had no bloody idea what I’d say. Well, this painting reminded me of my murdering piece of shit father, so I used black and red paint like the artist to create something that resembled an angry black hole. Nope, that probably wasn’t going to get me a decent grade. I tripped over my own feet as I realised I did want a good grade for art. I’d never given a shit about grades before, but for some reason, this time was different.
“Hey. I’m surprised you’re still here,” Izzy said, lacing her fingers through mine as we met at the school gates. I shrugged.
“Lost track of time.” She smiled as we walked hand in hand to the bus stop. “No Jess or Sophie today?” She shook her head.
“They’re both staying late to work on their university applications.” Right. University.
“And you’re not going to work on yours?” We hadn’t spoken about Izzy’s future for what felt like forever. I was a shitty boyfriend. It was always about me or my family, never her.
“I will, but not tonight. We have somewhere to be.”
“Somewhere to be?” I asked, distracted again from asking her about her university plans. Honestly, I was actively avoiding the conversation, terrified that she was dreaming of going to a fancy university across the country. How could I ask her to stay? She’d already given up so much for me.
“Yep. We’re going out for dinner,” she smiled.
“Are you going to tell me where?” I laughed when she shook her head again. The bus was waiting at the stop already and we jogged to reach it in time. I led her to the back of the bus, sliding in next to the window. I wrapped my arm around her, pulling her close. She leaned her head on my shoulders and together we watched the world go by in easy silence. This would be the perfect time to ask her about university, but I wasn't prepared for her answer. Not yet. It was only a matter of time before she left for bigger and better things.