by Saxon James
“Do…” I clear my throat. “Do you want it to work?”
Rainer drops his head onto the table with a thunk. “No. Except, maybe. Yes. Possibly. I don’t know.” When he looks at me again his eyes seem tired. “What do I do, Elliot? I’m completely crazy about this guy. So crazy I’ve been going to therapy and have already bought and chickened out on seven one-way trips to Cala d’Hort.”
“Seven?”
He swallows. “I’m pathetic, right?”
This is so unlike Rainer, I don’t answer right away. Is he pathetic? Maybe just a bit, but it’s a feeling I can uncomfortably relate to. “What if it doesn’t work out?”
He lifts a bony shoulder. “I don’t even know, that’s why I’m telling you all of this.”
Poor Rainer. He might have an enormous family, but he’s almost cut them off completely at this point. We’re all each other has. “Well, I’m surprised you’re even considering it. You never have before. That has to mean something.”
“Yeah.” He nods, looking distracted.
“But therapy?”
“Yes, therapy. To help me make better choices when the doubts kick in. But anyway, I’m done talking about my less than glamourous love life. I want to know about you and all the delicious men you’ve been fucking.”
“You’re about to be tragically disappointed.”
Rainer’s mouth drops. “You’re having a dry spell too? Oh, the horror!”
I chuckle at his dramatics, but I want to cry. Because it is horrible. I want to spill my guts about the situation with Taryn, but I’m so torn. Rainer was supposed to tell me to back the hell away from that train wreck of a decision, but with him uncharacteristically torn up over this guy, I’m not sure he’s going to give me the guidance I need.
Unless...
Maybe this once, I want to indulge in the idea. Maybe I want to be a weak pain in the ass and just forget about what I should do and enjoy this thing until it blows up in my face. By that point, I’ll have no choice other than to turn away from him, and the decision will be taken out of my hands.
I clear my throat awkwardly. “I, umm… I think I’ve met someone pretty awesome too.”
“Ohh!” Rainer’s eyes go wide. “Who? Where? Size? Spill the deets.”
“Size? No.” I shake my head because I’m really not surprised. “The thing is, he’s very fucking closeted, and us dating could fuck things up big time for both of our careers.”
Rainer’s light eyebrows furrow. “Why? People at your work know you’re gay, right?”
“Yeah, it’s not that. Mostly, I’m worried about him. He’s got way more to lose, but he’s adamant he wants to keep seeing me, and I feel like a shit for agreeing.”
“Do you want to keep seeing him?”
“Yes.”
Rainer tilts his head. “And he wants to keep seeing you?”
“Okay, I don’t need you to point out the obvious.” I smirk when Rainer tries to look angelic. “Yes, we both want the other. But I’m talking morals here.”
And at least Rainer tries to look like he’s taking this seriously. His pink lips purse together as he stares at his glass. “If you guys don’t keep seeing each other, what then?”
“I dunno. We talk every day. And it’d be weird for him to be suddenly gone, but I don’t think we could stay friends.”
“Oh god no, honey. That never works.”
“Again, obvious,” I say.
Rainer hums as his gaze drifts toward the rest of the bar and settles on the people playing pool. “It sounds like your choices are between having him around or not having him at all. It sounds pretty simple, but I’m going through the exact same thing.”
“What are you going to do?”
He taps a nail, clearly thinking. “As soon as I’m good enough for him, I’m going back there.”
“Wow.” I wasn’t expecting that answer.
“Mmhmm. I can kid myself all I like that I can walk away and forget about him but it’s not possible.”
“That’s really sweet.”
“Urg, oh god. I’m going to be one of those overbearing sappy people now, aren’t I?”
“You mean you’re not already overbearing?”
He starts to laugh and we finally let the conversation drop, but I can’t shake it from my mind. Out of everything he said, I keep coming back to him trying to kid himself. Is that what I’m doing? I keep pretending like I have a choice between staying or walking away, but I haven’t made a single step to do the latter. Because I’m pretty sure by this point, it isn’t possible.
Yes, this thing between us is casual, and I know for a fact it can’t be anything more.
That doesn’t stop my heart from stuttering a beat every time I think about Taryn, or my stomach from feeling kind of queasy every time his name lights up my phone, or the wave of comfort that soothes me whenever his deep voice fills my ears at night.
God fucking dammit, I want it to be more.
And that’s my answer, isn’t it?
I’m too weak to walk away, so now I guess I’m all in.
Chapter Thirteen
There are only so many ways I can catch a damn ball. Our team is on fire, winning every game since that one hiccup at the start of the season, and instead of making Coach ease off a little, he’s gone full throttle. You would have thought our win against the Texas Raiders would appease him, but nope. We’re weighed constantly, making sure we keep to our weight limits, and since I’m already close to the line, I have to be relentless about my diet and fitness because the last thing I want is a fine.
It used to happen all the time when I was with Liam. A slip here, an overindulgence there. It didn’t matter. I ended up paying a shitload in fines last season. We all know NFL means Not For Life, and as far as I was concerned, Liam was my future.
Now…
Now it’s time to be smart. I probably have two years left if I’m lucky, and once that’s done, I’ll reevaluate.
For now, it’s all football and training and fans. That’s it.
Except when Elliot texts me, none of that seems to matter.
Once our practice game finishes, I can’t leave the field fast enough. My cleats echo against the cement walls as we all make our way back to the gym, Zane grumbling something as he joins me. Even though we’ve been at the stadium for eight hours, our day is ending earlier than usual.
“You okay?”
“Fine.” He grunts, clearly pissy about something. His short blond hair is dark with sweat and his neck and face are mottled red from training. I tilt my head as I take in the way he’s walking, like he’s trying to avoid putting too much weight on his left foot.
“Are you sure? Kinda looks like you’re hurt.”
His fist collides with my shoulder. “I said, I’m fine.” He goes to storm off, but I grab his shoulder and yank him back, trying to keep my own temper in check. We’re all a little too on edge for this bullshit.
“Let’s go get a drink.”
Zane’s eyebrows knit. “Are you kidding? All I wanna do is sleep.”
“So do that later. It’s been too long since we relaxed a little.” Which is true. Even after our win against the Raiders, we were all too tired to put much effort into celebrating.
His tension holds for a moment longer before his shoulders start to drop. He stretches out his neck and says, “Okay. But only one or two. Don’t invite the others, or it’ll turn into a thing.”
I nod and we strip off our padding and head to the gym for a few gentle weight sets before making our way to the showers.
I avoid checking my phone until I’m dressed and ready to head out, knowing Elliot probably messaged me a few times, and I don’t want to read them until I can respond properly. This week it’s taken everything in my power not to jump into the car and head to New Jersey. Maybe if I had the time to dedicate to him, I’d push a little harder, but I can’t mess up the way I did with Liam. I won’t. And it
occurs to me that making that decision means I’m already fighting harder for him than I ever did for Liam.
And when I see a message from him, the rotten feeling in my stomach increases.
Liam: Hey. How are things?
Frowning at the screen, my fist tightens painfully around the edges of my phone. I know he’s trying to be nice—it’s who he is—but he has to know I’m not ready to play friends right now. I need to distance myself from the reliance I had on him.
“Ready to go?”
I scramble to lock my screen and hide my phone away, but Zane keeps on frowning toward the place it was. I’m not sure what he’s thinking about, but I suddenly really don’t want to know.
“Want to take a Lyft?” I ask.
He nods, still looking kind of weird. “Yeah, I can leave my car here until tomorrow.”
It doesn’t take long for the driver to get to the stadium, and Zane’s weird mood joins us on the drive. Out of all the guys, Zane and I hit it off instantly. I love my teammates—most of them—and I trust all of them to have my back, but outside of games and practice, Zane has always been my go-to, but I can’t even talk to him about my relationships.
Elliot doesn’t deserve that.
Neither did Liam. The more I think about what Liam put up with, the more I realize what a complete dick I was. It’s that reminder that makes me determined not to make the same mistakes with Elliot… I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to pull that off.
“Should we go to The Hanger?” Zane asks. He’s looking out the window, barely giving me any attention, and while he’s normally not the most focused guy, this feels weird.
“Yeah it’s probably closest. How’s your leg feeling?”
“Good, brother. I told you, it’s nothing.” He finally drags his attention back to me and manages a sincere smile. Or close enough, anyway.
“Okay, I’ll buy it. But if it starts getting bad, you’ve gotta let Coach know.”
“Yeah, yeah, big guy.”
I snort because Zane definitely has me beat in that department. The Lyft pulls up, and Zane hurries to pay before I’ve even unlocked my phone. “I’ve got the way home,” I tell him, and he shrugs. It’s not until we order and find a secluded corner booth that I confront him.
“What’s up with you? I’ve never seen you this moody.”
He narrows his eyes and glances at me quickly before looking away again. “I… honestly, I dunno. Maybe it’s just this season kicking my ass. I’m getting too old for this. I forgot how much it takes over your life.”
“I know that feeling.” I’ve barely had time to get myself off, let alone try and convince Elliot to do it.
“Umm…” Zane shifts awkwardly. “So, Liam hasn’t been around lately…”
A trickle of fear snakes into my stomach at him mentioning Liam’s name. “Yeah, he’s been busy.”
“It’s weird. You guys were always so inseparable.”
“Friends grow apart,” I say as evenly as possible. “What does it matter?”
“It doesn’t.” He doesn’t elaborate which probably puts me even more on edge. Finally, he goes on. “Just a cool guy, that’s all.” Is he hinting at something? Trying to make me think it’s okay to fess up? I was really good about keeping our relationship secret. No one should know. There’s no way there’s anything more to this conversation than what Zane has already said, so why do I feel so slimy about it?
I clear my throat. “How’s your mom doing?”
“Yeah, really good,” he says, blinking like he’s finally checking back into the conversation. “All her results came back clear.”
I whistle long and low. “Thank god for that.”
“I’ll say. I was pretty worried for a while there.”
“I can imagine. It’d kill me if that was my ma. So where do you go from here?”
“She’ll keep having regular tests to make sure the cancer doesn’t come back, but for now, everything’s sweet again.”
I give his forearm a quick comforting tap, careful not to linger too long. “Glad to hear it.”
Throwing back the rest of my drink, I glance around the bar. There are a few groups of people, some playing pool, and a handful of solo customers at the bar.
It’s pretty typical of a Thursday night, and I’m so damn thankful we have a home game this weekend because the travel is catching up to me. Maybe it’s time we called it a night.
“Do you know otters are completely monogamous?” he murmurs to his ginger ale.
“Huh.” Weird fact, but nothing stranger than what I’m used to from him. “Cool.”
“Yeah. Sometimes I wish I had that, you know?”
“An otter?”
“A somebody. What’s the point of doing all this if there’s no one to share it with?”
I shrug, not liking this conversation any more than the other one. “I’m definitely the wrong person to ask.” It’s almost laughable that he’s coming to me with relationship problems. “But maybe you enjoy this while you have it, then find a, ahh… someone when you’re ready?”
“Good point.” He snorts and throws back the rest of his drink. “I’m ready to get out of here. You?”
“Yeah, I guess.” It wasn’t much of a catch up, and there’s still definitely something on his mind.
We stand, and I follow him across the bar, but as we reach the exit, I grab his bicep and spin him back around to face me. “You know you can trust me with anything, right?”
He hesitates, just long enough to show he definitely has something he’s keeping from me. “And you know the same. Don’t you, Taryn?” This time he sounds genuine—mostly because he used my first name—and I really wish it was the case. I guess he isn’t the only one with a secret.
“Yeah, of course.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
I nod as he waves down a cab and climbs in. Before he can close the door, I toss some cash onto the front seat.
Zane shakes his head. “You know I don’t care about that.”
“And you know I hate being indebted to anyone.”
He laughs a little, shaking his head as he pulls the door closed. “I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow.”
“I’ll be there.”
As he pulls away, I decide to walk the four blocks home. It’s early enough that I should get there long before nightfall, and I want to check my messages in peace.
Liam’s message is still there, but I ignore it, opening Elliot’s instead. He’s filled me in on the weird day he’s been having, and texted me a video he took on his lunch break of two birds fucking. The caption he sent probably shouldn’t make me as happy as it does.
A Friend: When even the birds are getting more action than you.
I can only hope he means in general, and not, like, today. I know what I want to write back to the message, but I second guess myself. Ahh, fuck it.
Me: I’m more than happy to help you with your problem.
A Friend: And here I was thinking you’d died on me.
Me: Sorry, kinda weird day.
A Friend: Want to talk about it?
Me: Nope. Want to talk about yours?
A Friend: Can’t right now. I’m out.
I frown at his message, making sure I’ve read it right. He’s out? It’s only six thirty on a Thursday night. Normally, Elliot works later on game nights.
Me: Out where?
I know the question is stupid, and likely to scare Elliot away, but I can’t not ask.
A Friend: Grenade. It’s way too early to be here, but Rainer insisted.
Grenade. The gay bar Elliot told me about. I close out of my messages and quickly stow my phone away before I throw it. Surely I’m jumping to all the wrong conclusions right now. He’s allowed to go out. He’s allowed to have fun and dance, and technically he’s allowed to hook up since we’re not actually together. But… I just have to hope he isn’t. This would be so much easier
if I knew where we stood.
Getting home, I flop down on my couch, trying to ignore how large the silence feels. It expands all around me, filling the rooms and weighing on my loneliness. I’ve only got myself to blame.
Chapter Fourteen
Me: We’re just grabbing a quick drink.
Me: We haven’t hung out in a while and Rainer likes to dance.
Me: I’m counting down the minutes until I can go home.
Me: Alone.
For fuck’s sake.
Taryn isn’t writing back, and when I put myself in his position, I can understand why. Still, how many messages do I have to send explaining why I’m here before he gets over this temper tantrum?
I do one more sweep of the slowly crowding room, looking for Rainer, and spot him on the dance floor, escaping a dark guy with a bare chest. Not to be confused with bear chest, but he’s been there too so his stories always need clarifying. One of the flashing lasers gets me right in the eyes, and I’m blinking away red spots the whole way to the bathrooms. As soon as I step into the hall and the door swings closed behind me, the pounding music dulls enough that I’ll be able to hear Taryn if I call him.
Stepping into the empty bathroom, I quickly check that the stalls are unoccupied before I click on his name and the phone starts to ring. Since he was ignoring my messages, I’m a little surprised when he picks up right away.
“Yeah?”
I jolt back a little at his short tone. “Don’t sound too happy to hear from me.”
He hums in response.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Am I interrupting something?” And as calm as I sound, my skin crawls at the thought that I’ve pissed him off.