by Ramy Vance
“Fine, but what about our familiars? They can get us out?” Suzuki searched for Fred, but he wasn’t anywhere in the recesses of his mind.
Sandy shook her head. “Niv is still out. Whatever was in the milk affected her more than us. Might be a size thing.”
“Or a magic thing,” Suzuki added.
“Whatever it is, they’re of no use right now.”
“Fine.” Suzuki fiddled with his hands. “It’s just tinsel. Christmas tinsel. Highly flammable tinsel. Sandy, can you burn through yours?”
“Can’t see my hands,” Sandy replied. “Can’t cast what I can’t see.”
Suzuki bunny-hopped over to where he heard Sandy’s voice. He crashed into her, and they both fell onto the ground. “If you can hold mine, can you get it burning?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“All right. Feel around.”
Suzuki felt Sandy’s pointed fingers prodding him. He tried to adjust so that she could get to the tinsel around his hand without bumping into other body parts. Sandy jabbed Suzuki in the stomach, and he yelped, “Higher.”
After a few more uncomfortable moments in which Suzuki horrifyingly imagined Sandy accidentally crushing his testicles, Sandy finally got her hands around the tinsel binding Suzuki’s hands.
“Got it.”
Suzuki saw a spark and the cave brightened for a second before fading. Then he felt the heat around his wrists. It was getting hotter. “Shit,” Suzuki whined. “I did not think this one through enough.”
The tinsel caught flame fast and kept on burning. Suzuki’s hands were ringed with fire, and it wasn’t showing any sign of going out.
Suzuki could feel the skin of his wrists boiling and burning away. He clenched his jaw tight to keep from screaming in pain. Soon the pain faded and his hands went numb. He assumed that was because the fire had finally made it to his nerves. When Suzuki looked down, the tinsel had burned itself away.
His hands were free.
He quickly untied his feet, pulled out his sword, and cast a healing spell. In the dark, he could faintly see his skin stretching over the burned area. He thanked God that he hadn’t seen how bad the damage had been. After he got himself untied, he released Sandy and went over to Milos to unbind him.
“Didn’t think you’d be the first one to give up,” Suzuki teased.
Milos straightened up, rubbing his wrists. “Hardly,” he countered. “Just wanted to see if you whelps were the sort that cracked under pressure. I been twiddling my thumbs waiting for you to get your shit together.”
“Why didn’t you just cut us free then? And what was up with the whole sob story?”
“I’m not gonna hold your hand through a mission. Just wanted to see what your resolve was like. And as for the sob story, well, we all gotta find ways to entertain ourselves.”
“So you don’t care about the kids? Is it just for the money?”
“I can care about both the kids and the money. Now come on. We got monsters to kill. They took my weapons and pretty much everything else on me.” Milos was patting himself down. “But they left your HUDs. They probably don’t know what they are and thought they were part of you or some crap like that. How about you go through your inventory and get me a weapon?”
Suzuki groaned, thinking of some witty retort to get back at him for all the “We’re going to die” crap, but in the end, he did as Milos suggested, pulling at an ax for chopping wood as a weapon.
“This will do.” Milos chuckled. “Time to cut me down some Christmas trees.”
“Lame.” Sandy groaned as she knelt down next to Stew and shook him awake. “Come on,” she whispered. “Naptime’s over.”
Stew was dazed. He looked around frantically as if he were trying to piece together where he was. “But Mom,” he murmured. “I haven’t even eaten yet. And—”
“I’m not your mom, Stew. Not unless mom gives you the occasional hand job. Now get the fuck up. I’m thinking this might be time for a Leeroy Jenkins.”
Sandy grabbed Stew by his arms and helped him to his feet. Once Stew was more stable on his legs, Sandy cast a small spark, and the Mundanes crept through the cave until they found an exit. A pair of horns could be seen in the shadows cast by Sandy’s spark.
Suzuki pointed ahead.
A krampus was sitting at the foot of the cave, its head tilted downward. It was breathing slowly. Sleeping, Suzuki thought.
Suzuki pressed his finger to his lips. “We gotta be quiet,” he whispered.
Milos gripped the small ax. “Fuck that,” he growled as he turned and threw the ax. It sailed silently and struck the krampus in the skull. The krampus opened its eyes as blood dripped down its forehead, and then it slumped to the side.
Milos shrugged. “We’ve already been here long enough. We gotta get a move on. I don’t wanna miss Wendy’s lunch. She’s cooking yak haggis.”
As the Mundanes made their way past the dead krampus, Milos scooped up his ax and wiped the blood from its edge.
They were close to where they had been before, the ledge overlooking the bizarre classroom that the krampuses had set up.
There were four krampuses roughly the same size as the hulking one they had seen earlier. Two grey orcs were slouched in the corner of the subterranean classroom. Stoking the fire were three red orcs, their bodies swollen with muscles, making their gray cousins look nearly as small as a dwarf.
Hm, Fred said. This is not good.
What? Where the fuck were you? And what do you mean? Suzuki growled in his head.
First off, little human, I was asleep. Whatever krampus milk does to a non-magical homo sapiens, it affects us higher, more magical beings even more. And secondly, the orcs. That’s what is not good. Red orcs hate grey orcs. And all orcs hate seasonal demons such as krampuses. None of these creatures should be together. This is not a good sign.
Stew came up beside Suzuki. “Please tell me Sandy was right about Leeroy Jenkinsing this shit. Please.” Stew wore a look of a child asking for a second dessert.
“I might have over-promised that, babe. I just wanted to motivate you to get up,” Sandy admitted. “Besides, since when do you ask permission to go all Leeroy on us? Shouldn’t you just be charging ahead as we scream your name in panic?”
“Yeah, whatever. That was the old me. This me is gonna play things a bit more cautious from now on. And since fearless Suzuki here is good at figuring shit out, I thought I’d ask him first.”
Suzuki surveyed the area. There was a fire. Almost ten enemies. Children who couldn’t defend themselves and very limited space to move around. Some of his usual tactics that involved Sandy were completely out of the question. Any area of effect attack could hurt the kids, probably kill them.
A close-quarters fight was also impossible. There wasn’t enough room to move around. The hulking creatures below would rip the Mundanes apart.
Probably not Milos, though. The dwarf was small and could probably slip into spots that the rest of them couldn’t.
No options were coming to Suzuki. He looked out over the ledge with his HUD, and it read eleven percent. Not nearly good enough.
“Anyone got any new tricks?” Suzuki asked. “Sandy? You figure out how to become invisible or something?”
“I already told you, I need to study more,” Sandy said defensively. “It’s been, like, a day. I can’t just learn all this shit in a day.”
Suzuki nodded. “Ok, so that’s out. All right, everyone, let’s put all our cards on the table. What can we do now that we couldn’t do yesterday?”
“Uh,” Stew stammered as he picked at his face. “I got this new ax. It’s got this…uh…this perk that lets you transfer elements to it or something.”
“And I got that Stoneskin SD card installed last night,” Sandy added.
Milos stepped into the center of the group and puffed out his chest. “I’m ferocious,” he stated. “And compact. Oh, also handsome.”
“Yeah…you are handsome,” Suzuki noted. “And very
small.”
“Not that small, whelp.”
“Small enough. And I can change my smell…which seems extremely useless. Except that orcs are mostly blind. Milos, what are those krampuses planning on doing to those kids?”
“Eat them.”
“So they’re predators. Hanging out with orcs who are also predators. In an extremely dark cave. They probably don’t need to see.”
Suzuki snapped his fingers and his eyes lit up.
“Think he’s got something.” Sandy chuckled.
“Sandy, I’m going to need you to come with me. We’re getting the kids out. Milos and Stew, I’m gonna need you to wait for my signal. That’s when you’re gonna roll.”
“What’s the signal?”
“You’ll know it when you see it.”
Suzuki grabbed Sandy’s hand and led her down to the bottom of the cave.
The closer they got to the krampuses and orcs, the harder it was to ignore the stench. The bottom of the cave smelled like wet hair and mold. The smell coming off of them was probably body odor, Suzuki thought. But that smell wouldn’t be strong enough to counter what Suzuki was thinking.
The orcs were mostly hairless, their faces devoid of any kind of intelligence, whereas the krampuses looked as if there was something nefarious and festive going on in their shallow eyes.
The fire in the middle of the room cast heavy shadows on the cave’s walls, and Suzuki could barely make out the tables where the children were sitting. There were only vague outlines. The only definite shapes were those of the monsters…and that was only because of their size.
“All right, Sandy, kill the fire.”
“Okay…wait, what?”
“Kill the fire. Get the kids out of the room and toward where we entered. Then come back in to help us clean everything up. There’s going to be a lot going on, so you should use that SD card to keep you from getting crushed. Come back and wait for me to get everything started.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Something stupid. It’ll make a great story, though. If, that is, I don’t die,” Suzuki added.
Suzuki crept toward one of the piles of Christmas junk that lay on the ground. He pulled out a large red cloak and tapped his HUD, closing his eyes and trying to concentrate. The scent display popped up, and he changed his smell from “Frenchman” to “krampus youth.”
With that done, Suzuki wrapped himself up in the red cloak. “Start moving those kids,” Suzuki whispered.
Sandy stared at the fire in the center of the cave. She puckered her lips and blew. The fire went out.
Suzuki crawled on all fours past the elvish children as they murmured to themselves. Near the walls, the orcs were grumbling, but they weren’t moving much.
The newfound darkness was obviously not really bothering them, but a couple grunted, and the smallest orc stood to start making the fire again.
Suzuki made it past the rows of tables. His heart was pounding so loudly he thought the creatures would be able to hear it.
But he knew that was just fear. Orcs were practically deaf and blind. Even if they weren’t, it didn’t matter as it would take a special kind of ears to hear him over the elves’ crying and the demonic “Jingle Bells.”
So Suzuki made his way to the small group of krampuses, fairly confident that he could do so undetected.
One of the krampuses stood upright and sniffed the air, its nostrils flaring widely. Then it took a step toward Suzuki.
Suzuki was ready. He pulled out his sword and held it close to his chest. “Let the holy waters wash over me. I cast Holy Blessings.”
A golden aura washed over Suzuki and his weapons, and he clutched them closer to his chest as the krampus leaned over and scooped him into its arms.
Ribbons of flesh hung from the krampus’ jaws only a few inches away from Suzuki’s face, and Suzuki almost passed out from the smell alone. Hopefully, it was from a meal before the children had been captured.
Best not to think about that now.
The krampus was humming softly under its breath. Suzuki couldn’t place the tune, but it sounded like a nursery rhyme. In another context, it could have been comforting. The krampus returned to where it was sitting next to the others and grunted something under its breath in low, deep guttural sounds .
The other krampuses responded, and the one holding Suzuki pulled back its robe and exposed its breast. It popped its nipple into Suzuki’s mouth, forcing him to suckle.
But this time he was ready and, through considerable effort, forced himself not to swallow, letting the flow dribble out of the side of his mouth.
After a few moments, the krampus withdrew its teat and leaned against the wall. The grunting from the other creatures had died down.
Suzuki let the milk trickle from his mouth as slowly and quietly as he could. He looked over in the direction of the children’s tables. There was a brief spark of light, and Suzuki caught Sandy’s face. She had returned from moving the children. I hope she doesn’t see this shit, Suzuki thought as he looked up at the krampus cradling him. He checked his HUD.
Seventy-five percent.
Suzuki leaned his head back and pushed his sword straight up into the krampus’ throat. The krampus screamed, gushing blood everywhere as it tossed Suzuki to the ground. Suzuki rolled as the rest of the krampuses rose and started roaring. He crawled to where the krampus that he’d struck was flailing about, lifted his sword, and cleaved through the rest of her throat.
Across the cave, a spark. “Now comes death,” Sandy shouted. There was a flash of light, and the entire cave lit up. Sandy was standing near the blackboard, the grey and red orcs behind her.
She lifted her hand and the spark in the palm of her hand exploded, covering her entire body in fire as she sprinted toward Suzuki and the krampuses. Sandy dove straight into the already tangled mass of hairy legs and snapping claws. She grabbed a leg of one of the krampuses, and its matted hair caught fire.
“Is that the sign?” Stew called from above.
“Yes, it’s the fucking sign,” Suzuki shouted as a krampus grabbed him and tossed him across the cave.
Stew and Milos leapt down from the ledge, Milos landing on top of one of the krampuses, instantly crushing its skull. Stew pulled out his short swords and cut down the other krampus.
The orcs roared on the other side of the cave.
“Scatter,” Suzuki shouted.
The Mundanes and Milos broke formation, each of them putting some distance between themselves. Suzuki scanned the cave for more krampuses. They had just killed four of them. That left one more, the largest.
And the orcs.
“Stew, Milos,” Suzuki commanded. “Steamroll the orcs! Sandy, clear a path to the exit. Let’s get the fuck out of here now!”
Sandy shot a stream of fire out into the dimness of the cave. It scorched through the tables, the blackboard, and an orc. The orcs’ screams bounced off the walls of the cave and mixed with Stew and Milos’ bloodthirsty whoops and yells.
Stew and Milos ran into the thick of the orcs. Neither was slowing down. Stew’s ax caught the light from the flames that Sandy shot out. The ax’s blade caught fire.
“Flaming Ax of Total Badassness,” Stew shouted as he cut through an orc.
“Typical human.” Milos sighed as he rolled underneath an orc’s leg. “Gets his first magic ax and almost busts his ball juice all over the place.”
“Come on, Mundanes,” Suzuki shouted. “I want us all out pronto! Move it, move it, move it!”
Sandy lifted her hands and made a pulling motion at the flames, which jumped from the ground and in the direction of the orcs.
“Sandy, you’re gonna burn us alive,” Stew yelped as he dodged the flames.
“Then move your ass and stop trying to stab everything!”
Stew and Milos leapt out of the way of the flames and followed after Sandy.
Suzuki had already caught up to them, and they all ran toward the cave’s exit. The children
were crowded together outside.
The Mundanes burst out from the cave and into the cool, sunny open air. They were on the ridge of a mountain.
“Now would be a good time to teleport us back, Milos,” Stew cried out, his voice cracking with nervous energy.
“Uh,” Milos muttered. “It doesn’t quite work like that. It’s a one-way trip. We gotta hoof it back.”
A screeching roar came from the bowels of the cave.
“We didn’t kill everything, did we?” Sandy asked.
“Stew, Milos, get the kids out of the way. Just go. Sandy and I will take care of these guys and meet up down the way.” Suzuki turned to Sandy, “Come on, DeeStruck, let’s make sure that nothing comes after us.”
“Gotcha.”
Milos and Stew herded the elven children away from the cave’s mouth. One by one, they helped the kids start their steady descent down the side of the mountain while Suzuki hacked at the foundation of the cave entrance.
Sandy blasted the top of the mountain, causing bits of it to fall down.
“Not fast enough,” Suzuki muttered. Hey, Fred, is there anything you can do to help us out? Like real fast.
No, Fred replied.
Wait, what? Why not?
Another screech from within the cave. The krampus was getting closer.
You hurt my feelings earlier, Fred said matter-of-factly.
You have to be fucking kidding me. I hurt an eldritch imp’s feelings? Do you even have feelings?
You called me a bat with stick legs.
That was hours ago! You could have said something by now!
Revenge, human, is best served—
Cold, yes, I know! Fred!
The entrance of the cave was shaking from the pounding footsteps coming toward Suzuki and Sandy. Sandy was still tossing fireballs at the cave’s entrance.
It wasn’t enough.
I was going to say, minutes before death. The pristine moment when life is about to fade but has not started yet. The beautiful anticipation of your death.
Seriously, Fred. That thing in there is huge and it’s going to rip me apart when it gets out here. You’re gonna lose your host.
As the sage of your realm, Kanye West has said, “There’s a thousand yous. There’s only one me.”