by Ramy Vance
Stew leaned back on the ground, and Sandy lay next to him as they stared up at the screen. The fire crackled around them. “What the hell were you doing out there?” Stew asked.
“I was supposed to be securing an ancient artifact. We were ambushed and a spell that I cast teleported me to the middle of nowhere. José and Chip didn’t even know where I was. Neither did I. I had to figure out how to get back or at least let them know where I was.”
Sandy sat up and grabbed one of the Jive Bugs Diana had set out for a snack. They were little insects, coated in a magical glaze that made them taste like a cross between a pretzel and sour candy. They also had a nice little punch of energy. “How’d you get out of this one?” Sandy asked.
Diana leaned back and motioned for Sandy to pass her the Jive Bugs. “Just check it out,” she said.
The desert-bound Diana struggled to make any headway. She had been walking for some time. There was nothing around her whatsoever. But beneath her feet, there was something moving. The sand was disturbed, and then the tip of a fin appeared out of the sand. Diana saw it and her eyes went wide. She stopped walking, held herself perfectly still as she muttered the words of a protection spell, a thin blue aura extending over her body. Her wand was in her hand instantly.
Another fin appeared. Then another. There were at least three of them, circling around her. Diana didn’t have a lot of time to plan. It was all reaction. She aimed her wand at her feet and created an explosion that sent her flying through the air. She landed about twenty feet away, rolling across the sand as she jumped to her feet. She was near a small collection of rocks that shot out of the sand. It didn’t take long for her to scamper to them. She pulled the hem of her robes up and watched the fins coming near her.
Fear is an interesting thing.
It is experienced by all.
Yet there are times when you can see it plainer than you have ever seen anything. This was what Diana’s face looked like. Her eyes were open as only terror can open them. Shivers racked her body, and she was crying as the fins multiplied around her. Three. Five. Ten. Circling the pile of rocks like sharks. Diana sat there, crying for some time. The sand creatures waited for her to slip up, no doubt starving and ready to eat. Then, out of nowhere and for what seemed like no reason, Diana’s face hardened. She didn’t stop crying, but she didn’t bother to wipe the tears from her face. She stood up and raised her wand to the sky and then brought it down with a quick slashing movement. Then she sat down and waited.
After some time, Diana was pulled forward a bit. She grinned as she gripped her wand, stood up, and pulled hard. She tore one of the creatures out of the sand and tossed it onto the rocks next to her. The thing looked more like a stingray than a shark. Its mouth was wide and it looked to be smiling with razor-sharp teeth that occasionally snapped at Diana.
The body ridges like serrated paper and it thrashed. Diana pointed her wand at the beast, there was a flash of light, and the creature lay dead. Next Diana split it open with an energy attack from her wand. She looked through its entrails for a few moments before sitting down again.
Diana waved her wand around the dead body of the sand ray. The ray’s blood floated up into the air as Diana continued to weave her magic. The iron from the blood separated and Diana tossed it to the side as she magicked the remains over to her.
Clean, distilled water hung in a bubble, floating through the air. She took a sip and sighed in relief.
The screen went black and Diana waved it away with her wand. “And that’s how you survive being stranded in the desert,” she said.
Stew sat bolt upright, blinking disbelievingly. “That’s how you survived? You became a sand vampire?” Stew asked.
“It’s not a vampire if you don’t drink their blood.”
“I don’t know, dude…that’s a very thin line you’re walking there.”
Diana laughed as she sat back down across from the rest of the party members at the fire. “I know, I know. I didn’t stop hearing about it for years. Everyone was convinced I was going to sneak into their room and drink their blood. Up until we came across real vampires. Then everyone stopped joking.”
Sandy was staring up at Diana with a look of near worship. “That’s so fucking sick… how’d you get José and Chip to figure out where you were?”
“I didn’t. I lived off those sand rays for almost a week as I trekked the desert. That’s just not as interesting to watch. There’s a lot more crying, though. You know, the usual ‘how am I going to survive this’ kind of stuff.”
Stew grabbed another piece of meat and held out his tankard for José to fill up. “Uh… don’t get me wrong, but this was supposed to be encouraging, right?”
José poured Stew some more ale before pouring himself a tankard as well. “If you got the point, it would be.” José sighed. “If Diana could live off of sand sharks—”
“Sand rays.”
“Whatever. If Diana could figure out how to live in a desert with no food or water, I’m pretty sure Suzuki will be able to get back to us. He’s resourceful. He’ll figure it out.”
“Did you have any close calls like that?”
José shrugged. “I’ve never had a close call my entire life.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Stew asked.
“It means I’ve never had a close call.”
“Bullshit,” Stew said as he turned to the other members of the Horsemen. “What’s the worst situation José’s ever been in?”
Chip shrugged as she walked back to her tree and climbed into the branches. “He don’t like to talk about it,” she called back. “Might have an easier time sucking off a giant.”
Stew, Sandy, and Diana laughed loudly while José did something neither of the Mundanes had seen him do so far—blushed uncontrollably. “If you guys are finished,” he muttered as he retreated to his tent, “I’m going to get some sleep.”
“Wait, wait,” Stew called. “I wanna hear this. You gotta tell us.”
“It’s not a funny story.”
“Fine. We won’t be dicks.”
José sighed heavily as he lay back down in his tent. Even if he was serious, he was giving off the air of a kid at his first sleepover, trying desperately not to look uncool. “All right. It’s a pretty straightforward story. There used to be Four Horsemen. We were contracted to look into a village that had been overrun by a recent infestation of banshees. Now at the surface, no big problem. Banshees are a left-over problem. They just don’t come into town because they want to stir up trouble. Banshees only come out when people are going to die. And when it’s that many people, it means that you’re going to have a lot of dead bodies on your hand. We figured that we just had to find the source of the banshees, find out what’s going to kill these people. It sounded like we actually lucked out on something, like we got a heads-up for something fucked up that the Dark One was going to be responsible for. You don’t get a lot of chances like that. Lucky us, right?”
José was silent for a moment, his face heavy with his memories. It was as if he had aged a century. The lines in his face settled in deeply. Listening to his talk, you could see the stress etching itself into his face.
He cleared his throat and started up again. “The banshees were the problem. Plain and simple. They weren’t there to warn anyone about death: they were the death. We had shown up in the village a few days earlier, did some scouting around. There were goblins not too far away, but hardly enough to give any of us a problem. We got to drinking, having a good time. We were still keeping our eyes open but didn’t think there was anything to worry about. We even saw the banshees. They weren’t too far off, but there were hardly any of them. If they came through the town, it was enough that we could herd them out. So, like I said, no problem. The banshees came through around one in the morning. Quiet as death. No shrieking. No screaming. Nothing. There were hundreds of them. We didn’t know where they came from. We didn’t know how they multiplied so fast. There were more bans
hees than I’d ever seen my entire life. They rolled through that village like a fucking plague. Do you know banshees kill?”
Sandy and Stew said nothing, only shook their heads.
“No one did. You know, before that night, there had never been one recorded case of a banshee hurting anyone. At most, they were just a nuisance. A loud, creepy-as-fuck nuisance, but that was all. I woke up, and there were people in the street. The banshees hadn’t made a sound. They just came into the village and started dragging everyone out of their homes. No one made a sound, not one fucking person. The banshees were pulling families out. Moms, dads, kids…everyone, and slitting their throats in the streets. Everyone was silent. I was surprised when I woke up—and I was too late. They had already taken the Horsemen. I came outside…I came outside…well, everyone in the village was dead. Most of the MERCs were dead. Nathan was dead. I saw his face staring at me, his head nearly cut clean off, as soon as I opened the door. Chip and Diana were gone, and I had no idea where they were. It was just me and a village full of pissed-off banshees.”
“What the fuck did you do?” Stew whispered.
“I hid. I shut the door, and I hid until the crack of dawn. I could hear the banshees making their rounds through the village, opening every door, hunting us down. I hid until they opened my door. I cleaved those in half and waited a little longer before going out. Most of them were preoccupied with the sun coming up. Banshees hate the sun. Not vampire level, but it still makes them uncomfortable. I was trying to figure out why the fuck they were standing around. I didn’t have too much time to do that, though. I got started with the killing—as many as I could. I lost myself for a bit but came to just before I axed the last one. I made her take me to where the rest of the Horsemen were. There were other prisoners too. I killed every last banshee and goblin in that camp. The end.”
José finished his beer, turned around, and closed his tent.
Diana looked at José’s tent. She moved like she was going to rise and go to him, but leaned back in her seat. From the darkness of the trees, Chip chuckled and said, “Good story, right?”
Stew scratched his face, trying to find something to do with the uncomfortable silence. “I didn’t think that it was going to be…so fucked up,” Stew murmured.
Diana conjured a cup as she went to the fire and put on a pot of water to boil. “You don’t stay alive in this job as long as José without seeing a lot of fucked up shit,” Diana said.
“Yeah, I guess…I was expecting something a little more…inspirational.”
“As far as José is concerned, that is inspirational.”
“But one of your guys died. Nathan? Was that his name?”
“Yeah, Nathan did die. But only Nathan. So that’s the inspirational part. José swore that he was never going to lose anyone else. Ever. And he’s gone through some crazy shit to keep that from happening. That’s why he never helps out any of the rookies. He hardly ever even helps out any of the vets. He feels like their lives are on him. It weighs him down a lot, but it’s better than Chip’s story at least.”
“How could Chip’s be any worse than that?”
“Trust me, you don’t wanna hear Chip’s. No one does, right, Chip?”
Chip could be heard moving in the branches. “Aye. Ain’t no happy moral at the end of that yarn.”
“So?” Stew stood up. “You got to tell us. After all that, you got to tell us—”
There was a loud ping. It sounded like a firecracker going off. Sandy jumped and yelped. She pulled her HUD off and looked down at it. The sound had come from the HUD. There was a blinking icon on the screen. Chip moved through in the darkness to get closer to the campfire.
Sandy looked down at the HUD. It was also beeping on the side, a blinking green light that was just barely noticeable. “What the fuck is that?” Sandy asked.
Chip reached out for the HUD and Sandy handed it to her. “’Tis a distress signal from your fearless leader, complete with geographical location. I’d wager he’s either found your missing mate or he’s in need of a little rescue.”
“Where is he?”
Chip plugged her HUD into Sandy’s to download the coordinates. When she was done, she handed Sandy back her HUD. “Looks like he’s plum in the middle of a fucking mountain.” She laughed. “Honestly, you little shites seem to have a thing for mountains. Ain’t never spent so much time underground as with you three.”
Sandy checked the coordinates on her HUD, then brought up a digital image of the location. Just as Chip had said, Suzuki was smack in the middle of a mountain range that started in the second defense ring. “How the fuck did he get in there?”
Diana shrugged her shoulders and crouched down to look into the flames. “Not nearly as important as how we’re going to get him out of there. It’s in a less than ideal place.”
“What do you mean?”
“Suzuki’s been gone for a long-ass time. Whatever he did to get in there, it took a bit. It’s time that he probably doesn’t have to be wasted. We need to get in and out quick. Unfortunately, mountains aren’t something that you can easily sneak into.”
Chip laughed as she nudged Diana. “No, not like that time we snuck into that plantation to rile up those orc—”
“Not the time, Chip. We need to figure out how we’re going to solve this. Did he send a message at all?”
Sandy checked her HUD for messages. There was one from Suzuki. All it said was, Found Beth. Low signal. Evac immediately.
“Not a useful one.” Sandy groaned. “At least we know Beth is all right. Thank fuck the suspense of that is finally over. You got any cool magic tricks to pull out of your bag for a climactic save?”
Diana shook her head as she scratched her chin, her brow furrowed in concentration. “Nope, I got nothing. A teleportation spell from that far away, into a structure, could end up with us fusing. Think the Montauk project, but a lot less sexy.”
Chip laughed loudly as she doubled over and held her sides. “Only your lady bits would be remotely aroused by that horror show. And I’m shite out of luck too, lads. Any teleportation I could rig up would give us away. And would also have a possibility to splice us up nice and pretty. It could make Diana’s ideal orgy, at least.”
“It’s not my ideal, but close enough.”
Sandy sighed in exasperation. “Okay, I get that all this is just par for the course for you guys, but I am not comfortable cracking jokes while my best friends are waiting to get captured.”
“Nobody is waiting to get captured. What makes you think Suzuki and Beth are just sitting around, waiting to be picked up?”
“Why the hell else would have they have messaged us?”
“Because they know you’re smart enough to figure something out. Just like they’re smart enough to figure something out. You guys are supposed to be a party, right? How long have you been running together? You don’t have the slightest inkling of what Suzuki and Beth might be thinking?”
“Honestly, those asshats are probably sitting around making dumb-ass prison jokes about digging their way out with a spoon. Fucking nerds.”
There was a loud pop that sounded almost like a cow breaking wind. “Did someone say digging?”
The Horsemen and Mundanes turned around. Standing behind them was a small gargoyle with the head of an oversized donkey. Its mouth hung open, giving it the impression of being a slack-jawed yokel from a cartoon. The rest of his body was the stony texture you would find on a carving at a church. His eyes were wide and bright blue, the same color as Stew’s. He kicked bashfully at a rock next to his feet. “Y’all did say digging, right?” GB asked.
Stew knelt across from GB so he could look his familiar in the eye. “What are you getting at, GB?”
“I just heard y’all talking about digging, and I thought I’d like to talk about digging too. Cause you know, I like to dig. But who doesn’t like digging? And you guys never talk about digging. Niv never wants to talk about digging. Fred never wants to talk about diggi
ng. Oh, well, once he wanted to talk about digging graves, but he wanted to talk about digging my grave. And you know, I just want to have a good chat about digging.”
“Do you…like digging?”
“Oh, gods, yes. I used to dig all the time with my last partner. We were always looking for new places to dig. The smell of good dirt. He’d wake me up in the middle of the night and say, ‘GB, we’re going out and digging tonight.’ Just all night, sitting around digging. Really getting into that good dirt.”
GB sighed affectionately. “I loved that guy. Always the first one to get a shovel.”
“How good are you at digging, dude?”
“Oh, I’m the best. I been the best for years. If you want a hole, all you gotta do is tell me. I’ll get there. Straight down. Side to side. Upside-down. I’ll dig it.”
Stew motioned for Sandy to hand GB her HUD. “What about this?” Stew asked. “How long will it take you to dig to there?”
GB looked at the coordinates and his ass-face turned up in a huge, goofy smile. “This? Shucks, I can dig this in a couple of hours. With a little help.” GB leaned over and winked at Stew. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of most of it.”
“Sounds like we got a plan. A couple of hours isn’t too bad, and he’ll do most of the heavy lifting.”
Sandy leaned closer to Stew and whispered in his ear, “Are you sure this is a good idea and not GB doing that weird thing?”
Stew shrugged as he rested his hands on his hips. “What kind of weird thing?”
“You know, how I make things really weird?”
“Honestly, I feel like him being into digging is the really weird part.”
Both Stew and Sandy were distracted by the sound of another pop. They turned around, and GB was already ankle-deep in a hole about ten feet wide. Diana and Chip were watching the familiar work, both of them looking on with a fair amount of admiration. Sandy walked up to the hole, shaking her head. “Unbelievable,” she murmured.