“Okay, I’ll bite. I’ll do the fajitas too.”
Chris announces he won’t be eating with us, which means he’s going home with Eliza and there will be another crying woman on our street tonight.
Annie eventually returns but spends the rest of the evening scrolling through her phone absentmindedly while the three of us shoot the shit.
I catch Derek watching me as the night progresses.
Annie continues to interrogate Olson, and I lose my voice. Not literally, but I can’t tell Annie about what he said. There would be so much speculation. A visit from my brother with demands about treating me right.
He’s handsome. And I’m sure he’d ruin my life in the best way, but I’m not up to it. I doubt he’d think my predicament is attractive. He has his own kid to deal with!
He thinks I’m beautiful. And that’s okay. Because he’s beautiful too.
17
ARIA
One Month Later
23 weeks pregnant…
I swore I wasn’t going to see Dr. Nelson again, especially not after the last time. However, my mother knows how to lay on a guilt trip as thick as peanut butter, so I go. I don’t know what I can possibly tell this woman that wouldn’t get me sent to the loony bin, or worse, back into Charlie’s arms, but over the last month, my heart has lightened.
People have stopped asking about Charlie. They’ve stopped encouraging me to move on and it allows me to be…me.
The voice in my head who screams at me not to bury the abuse has won out. I’ve had too many nightmares and I need to get it off my chest.
I’ve hemmed and hawed about canceling at the last minute. I even turned around and headed home once. But if I don’t try to live my life, then I don’t deserve to live. Period.
My phone vibrates in the cupholder and when I see the North Carolina area code, my heart skips a beat.
“Jay?”
“Hey, Peanut!”
My eyes water. Jay is my extra brother. The one who always took my side when Annie and Chris were being jerks.
“I’m so happy to hear your voice—”
“I’m so happy to hear yours. Peanut, you have no idea how much I wanted to go AWOL and find you…”
I sniffle, guilt washing over me like ice water.
“I’m sorry, JJ. I’m sorry I stayed.”
“Don’t do that. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Why didn’t I see the signs?” I whisper.
“You’re a romantic.”
Isn’t that the understatement of the century?
“People do stupid things for love, Aria. You were always the one who tried to see past everyone else’s ugliness, even when they didn’t deserve it.”
I wanted him to love me. If anything, I’m more relieved I don’t have to look into his icy eyes anymore.
“Everything’s a mess. Daddy’s gone. He left a month ago because he can’t stand the sight of me. And…um…I’m pregnant.”
The silence on the other end isn’t a surprise. JJ’s protective and usually reacts first before asking questions.
“What are you gonna do?”
“I’m keeping it, I guess.” It. It. I can’t form a connection with this jellybean…and I’m not sure I want to.
“You guess?”
“I’m currently in denial. I’m pretending this isn’t happening because any other alternative is scary. I’m praying I wake up in the morning and it will all have been a big joke.”
“Aria…”
“Isn’t this the turn of events? Everyone thought I was going to be the first one to get pregnant, I was the one going to wind up living in sin with a man while he slept around on the side. I guess they were half right.”
“Oh, that’s enough of that. I hate to burst your bubble, but you’re not perfect. Shit happens, Peanut, whether we like it or not. Take it from someone whose been there.”
I shudder as the image of JJ’s bruised and battered body on our front porch flashes in my head. His father, William Parker was an alcoholic who took out all of his frustrations on Jo and JJ. And that time, JJ almost died.
“All those people who told you that you wouldn’t amount to anything has their own skeletons. I can confidently tell you the reason John Hunt left dear old Bethany is because he’s gay. Can you imagine that getting around town?”
Yeah, but John didn’t beat the shit out of her.
“My point is these are the cards you’ve been dealt. You can either play your hand the best you can, or you can fold and succumb to regret. And let me tell you, folding is a dumb choice. You’re a good woman, Peanut. Life is too short to play it safe. Learn from this. Heal from this.”
I pull into the office building parking lot in downtown Sage Creek and turn off the car when I reach a parking spot.
“I don’t know how to be me again,” I say in my smallest voice.
“People reinvent themselves all the time. You’re a strong woman. You don’t have to be the old you. Be you.”
What does that even mean?
How does one be themselves when they don’t even like who they are?
“I have to take off, JJ. I’m not trying to brush you off, but I just pulled up to my therapist’s office…”
“Oh, you’re talking to someone? That’s great! Okay. I love you, kiddo. I’ll call you as soon as I can, okay?”
I disconnect the call after telling him I love him too and begrudgingly trudge into Dr. Nelson’s office.
April, the kind and gentle receptionist greets me warmly which is surprising with how I left here the last time…
But until Dr. Nelson is ready, I make myself at home on the love seat in the waiting room.
I stare at the ceiling, wishing it could provide me with all the answers. I don’t want to talk about what happened with Charlie. It’s all over the news, for God’s sake! I have to heal, I know. But I’ve come to terms with what he did.
At least I think so.
“Aria, I’m glad you came back.”
I glance up to Dr. Nelson, who wears a smart, pantsuit and a comforting grin.
God, I have to work on my people skills.
I follow her into her office and take a seat on the leather sofa, scanning the room for any ice breaker I can use to distract her from remembering my behavior from the last time. She sits in the chair across from me, folding her legs underneath her and readily posies with a pen in her hand and her yellow legal pad at the ready.
“How are you doing today?”
Small talk.
I hate small talk.
“I’m fine, thank you.” I clear my throat awkwardly and drop my gaze. “I didn’t mean to go off the deep end the last time I was here. I’m sorry…he’s a touchy subject.”
“I totally understand, and I hold no judgments against you. Grief is a funny thing. It makes us do uncharacteristically weird things.”
I wouldn’t call it weird. And I wouldn’t call it grief, either.
“Grief? Nobody died…”
“A piece of you did,” she replies gently. When my body tenses, she softens her stance even more. “It may not feel like it, but you’re grieving a relationship you thought had traction. A future. And then it was brutally taken away from you in the most traumatic way, and you almost lost your life because of it.”
“But I’m still…I…”
What? I survived? But for how much longer?
“What do you think is the hardest thing to reconcile in your head?” she asks.
Everything.
“We have a family friend. Her marriage with her husband was…lethal. He abused her and their son. They came to live with us until she could get back on her feet. But I saw everything. Including the red flags.” I slowly lift my gaze to hers and hold my breath. “Why didn’t I see the red flags? Why didn’t I run when I knew there was something…off about him?”
She considers this a moment and places her notebook on the coffee table.
“What would have been the outcome had you not sta
rted a relationship with him? I’m talking about still working at his company, but turning him down instead?”
I shudder at the thought.
“I don’t know. I suppose I would’ve been fired. My direct supervisor wasn’t impressed with me. So I guess I would have had to turn tail and return home until I figured something else out.”
I imagine taking over the riding school so Annie could write full time, Derek would have a helping hand with the rescue barn while he worked in his office.
My heart aches. It sounds lovely…like this was made especially for me.
Fuck.
“I think it’s important to think out those scenarios, but not dwell on them. Maybe you would’ve come home and taken over the family business. But can you honestly tell me you would’ve been happy?”
No. I probably wouldn’t have. I was still admiring the grass on the other side of the fence.
When I don’t answer, she leans back in her chair and grins. I hate her. But I love her at the same time. I don’t like people making assumptions about my life, but it seems like she’s got me pegged.
“I’m not happy now, so what’s the difference?”
“Mindset,” she replies with a giggle. “What would it take for you to achieve happiness, Aria?”
More than sixteen ounces of caffeine a day for starters.
“I don’t know.”
She rolls her eyes. “Come on. You do yourself a disservice when you sweep questions like that under the rug. You deserve happiness, Aria. You deserve a full and happy life with the people you love around you and a mind that weighs a little less at night. Tell me what would get you there.”
“I guess that’s the joke, isn’t it? I don’t deserve a full and happy life. My father can’t stand being in the same vicinity as me. I cut everyone down who tries to make an effort with me. I’m not a nice person, Dr. Nelson. I’m everyone’s living nightmare.”
“Have you ever tried asking those around you how they feel about you?”
A poisonous laugh escapes me.
“Do you honestly think they would look me in the eye and tell me the truth?”
“This is your family we’re talking about, Aria. They took you in when you claim they’re not happy about your arrival. You’re living and sleeping in the same bed as your sister. Your brother follows you around because he thinks you’re an expensive vase on the verge of being knocked off a high shelf. I absolutely think they would tell you the truth.”
She moves forward in her seat, resting her elbows on her knees and steepling her fingers underneath her chin.
“I haven’t been in this town long. I’ve seen how ugly these people can act towards each other. But there is one family who restores my faith in humanity.” She gives me a pointed stare. “When I first moved here and was in the process of setting up my practice, your mother was the first one through the front door with a congratulatory vanilla cake with pink icing. Your sister literally beat a man for hitting on me at Rico’s and wasn’t taking the hint I wasn’t interested. Your father and brother bring me fresh eggs every Monday morning just because they felt like it.”
My family is probably the only family who would go out of their way to make someone feel welcome.
Hope blooms in my chest that they would extend the same courtesy, even though they already have.
“Why can’t I go back to the old me? I miss not caring what other people thought of me. I miss being confident in my own thought process…”
“He manipulated you into thinking you can’t trust yourself.”
I frown and shift in my seat, ripping apart the tissue in my hand.
“This isn’t going to be a one way road into blissful happiness, Aria. You are going to have great days where you feel like you’re on top of the world. And because this universe needs balance, you’ll experience unbearable days too. But the difference is you have people around you who are going to build you up when you’re at your worst. You have a support system who will help you fight off those negative thoughts. And, you have me.”
I glance up at her and allow the smile to spread across my cheeks.
“I promise you you’re going to have a love/hate relationship with me. I am here for you whenever you need it. I can be the calm in your storm if you need a friendly face. I can be the swift kick in the ass if that’s what you need. I refuse to let you fall. We’re in this together.”
When I get home, I pull into my momma’s driveway and enter the house through the garage. Country music plays in the background as she washes the breakfast dishes. She sings along and sways her hips to the music.
“Hi, Momma.”
She turns around and sashays over to me, taking my hands in hers and spinning me.
“Hi, baby. How was your appointment?”
“Fine. Have you eaten lunch yet?”
“Not yet, but I was fixin’ up some soup. Want to eat with me?”
“Sure. What can I do?”
“Take a seat. It’s almost ready.”
I trudge over to the dinner table in the kitchen and drop into my seat. Daddy’s seat remains annoyingly empty. I miss him, and more than ever, I wish I would’ve kept my trap shut.
A bowl of baked potato soup is dropped in front of me, and Momma takes a seat with a grin.
“I was wondering when you were going to meander this way. I haven’t seen you in days.”
“You could come to the barn…”
Momma scoffs and rolls her eyes.
“I did my time. Besides, I have enough to do here.”
I spoon the soup into my mouth, the bacon and cheese melting away my nausea.
“Like?”
She gives me a pointed stare.
“Well…Jo and I have started a business of sorts.”
Of sorts, eh?
“Selling drugs?”
She giggles and playfully pushes my shoulder.
“No. We’re working with the folks from the Live Oak Foundation. We’re starting up a state-of-the-art women’s shelter here in town. It’ll be a multi-county project, but Jo’s heading it up. I’m there for moral support.”
This has me sitting up a little straighter.
“Do you have a building already?”
She nods enthusiastically. “The old papermill. As we speak, they’re gutting the inside and adding in annex buildings. This is going to be big, baby.”
Momma, you know exactly what you’re doing…
“Right now there are a lot of hoops and red tape to get through, but by the end of the summer, we should be able to accept our first cohort of battered women.”
Battered women gives me the heebie jeebies. It sounds so…derogatory.
“What?” Momma asks when she notices my sour face.
“I’m sure there’s a better term than battered women.”
“I’m sure there is. What do you think we should call them?”
“Women.”
Her gaze softens and she reaches out and squeezes my hand.
“Of course.”
There’s a beat of awkward silence before she speaks again.
“Do you think you would want to get involved with this?”
I don’t think that’s a great idea.
But…I want to help the other women like me out there. I want to give them a safe space and a fresh start. I feel my past will bite us all in the ass.
“I don’t know…”
“Think about it. I’m sure Jo would love to have you on. You could do a lot of good with this, baby.”
My shot at redemption.
“Yeah…I’ll think about it.”
I push the small chunks of potatoes in the bowl, struggling to find the right words.
“Momma, can I ask you something?”
She nods enthusiastically and pushes her soup bowl back. “Yes, baby. Anything.”
“How do you feel about me?”
She stares at me like I asked her how to become an astronaut.
“I love you…”
&n
bsp; “No. I mean, I know you love me. But how do you feel about me…being here. Coming back home. My pregnancy. The trial…”
Tension hangs in the air, but for the first time, I don’t feel like I’m under any scrutiny.
“I knew you were going to leave after high school, Aria. You didn’t exactly make it a secret you didn’t want to be here.”
Flinching, I fidget under the table with my fingers and drop my gaze.
“I admired you for wanting to forge your own path. I know your daddy can be…intense when it comes to the business. I’ll be honest, I was terrified when you brought him here. The way he watched you was unsettling. We called you every day, sweet pea. I left messages for you every day until your mailbox was full. Your daddy even went to Chicago a few times to see you.”
My world stops turning for a beat.
“What do you mean he came to Chicago?”
“He got as far as the revolving door before the doorman called the police on him. If you ask me, I think Charlie had pictures of us given to the staff to send us away.”
My eyes itch with unshed tears. They were going to save me.
“You being here is the greatest blessing, baby. I’ve worried about you for so long, and now I have you right under my nose where I can see you living and breathing.” Her gaze trails me down to my belly and a melancholy smile spreads on her face. “I know this isn’t easy. But I want you to know we want to help you in any way we can. This is our grandbaby…our first grandbaby.”
My stomach churns, whether it’s the nausea or the constant reminder Charlie took my options away from me, I’m not entirely sure.
“I don’t know how to be a mom, Momma. I’m not emotionally equipped to deal with this. I don’t even know if we’ll get along—”
“None of us do, Aria. Do you think I had everything figured out when Chris came along? It took me a month to figure out how to change his diaper without him peeing on me. Every night for the first month I cried myself to sleep because I thought I was ruining him.”
A giggle escapes me.
“You learn from trial and error. And the most important thing is they’re happy and healthy. You’re going to be a great mom, sweetheart. It takes a lot of work. And besides, you’ll have us.”
Make Me Dream (The Sage Creek Series Book 1) Page 15