This is progress. A few months ago, if I would’ve been late for this appointment, I would’ve shut down. I would’ve made myself physically ill because of the anxiety, for the fear Dr. Nelson would punish me for being even a minute late.
I know she’ll understand. She isn’t Charlie. She isn’t wife number six.
That’s what I keep telling myself as I speed through town. Nate honks his horn several times, as a warning to slow down before I get hurt.
Thirty minutes later, I pull into the parking lot of the office and launch myself out of the car. I wave a dismissive hand at Nate and enter the office out of breath.
April grins at me and assures me Dr. Nelson is running behind and will be with me shortly. Nate strolls in and grabs the seat next to me, smirking.
“If I knew you drove like that, we would’ve taken turns when we left Chicago.”
I giggle, knowing that I wouldn’t have found that funny a month ago.
Again, progress.
“Sorry. I overslept.”
He shrugs and grabs a magazine off the side table.
“I’m glad you’re doing this. You actually seem like a fun person.”
I roll my eyes and nudge him in the ribs with my elbow.
“You’re an asshole.”
He shrugs nonchalantly and grins.
Dr. Nelson appears in the doorway and beckons me to follow her. I bid Nate adieu and walk the narrow hallway into Dr. Nelson’s office.
For the first time since I was hospitalized, I feel like I can breathe. There’s nobody here overanalyzing my every move. I mean, except for Dr. Nelson. But even still, she feels like a friend I’m visiting.
“How are you doing today?”
“Um, it’s still too soon to tell. I overslept and came straight here. I haven’t even had my stupid sixteen ounces of caffeine yet.”
She cracks a smile and curls up on her chair, tucking her feet underneath her.
“So…word on the street is you were hospitalized last week.”
I close my eyes in frustration. I wonder what Bethany Hunt’s explanation was.
“Ah…yeah. I had heat fatigue.”
She raises her eyebrows and expects me to continue.
“I’m not wearing the long sleeves anymore. I figure the whole town probably knows by now I’m pregnant. There’s no point in hiding it anymore.”
“Hmm,” she hums, sitting up straighter. “So you don’t mind them seeing the scars on your arms?”
“I mean, of course I mind, but what does that have to do with anything?”
“I thought you wore the baggy clothes because you were hiding the wounds on your arms and legs. But now…you come to your session in a short sleeved T-shirt and shorts. That makes me believe you were only hiding the pregnancy…”
And here’s where the shrinking begins.
“I’m just making an observation, here, Aria. I’m not judging you. Do you feel more ashamed of your pregnancy?”
My stomach churns as realization washes over me.
“Um…”
“This is a safe space. Tell me about your pregnancy so far.”
She notes my squirming, I’m sure of it. This is the first time I’m talking to someone about the pregnancy.
“Um, well…it wasn’t planned.”
Why is that the first thing I fire at someone? At my scowl, she softens her features.
“Okay, so it was a surprise.”
Surprise. A middle finger. A fuck you, Aria!
“Surprise means something happy. I…” I take a deep breath and meet her gaze. “I don’t know if I can be happy about this. I mean, I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want to have a child with Charlie, and now…he didn’t give me much of a choice.”
“Does it make you angry?”
I pause.
Does it?
“I don’t know.”
She gives me a knowing look. “I think you do.”
I fiddle with my fingers and drop my gaze. Charlie was the one who dreamed about kids. One to be exact. But what did I think? I can’t even remember…
“I don’t think I’m angry. Angry isn’t the right word. I’m more…sad.”
“Why is that? Are you sad because this wasn’t in your plan? Or that it happened with the wrong man?”
“I’m sad I didn’t have a choice. Charlie made decisions for me. I don’t even know why he kept me around for as long as he did. But…I look around me and I see everyone is happy. And if they aren’t happy, they’re content. And me? I’m…in limbo. I didn’t want a child with Charlie. And when given the choice to either take care of it or put him up for adoption, I chose to keep it.”
Dr. Nelson nods and writes in her notebook.
“Why couldn’t you get an abortion, Aria?”
I shudder at the word.
“Because…I couldn’t imagine taking another person’s life. Even if they’re too young to know what’s going on. Whether I like it or not, this baby is a part of me.” I let that sink in for a moment. This baby will be born in a few months. He’ll live among my family and learn the family business. He’ll learn how to rope. My father and brother will teach him how to be a good man.
I don’t even know if it’s a boy.
Aria Louise McKenzie will live inside of this baby, even if Charles Franklin Dodge III catches up with her.
“I can’t…get rid of him. I can’t give him away to somebody else and pretend like it didn’t happen.” I shrug. “I know that’s messed up. That keeping this baby around as the reminder of my…relationship…with Charlie…it’s messed up.”
“Do you think you can love this child? Honestly. No judgements. Let’s say you go into labor right now. The baby is brought into the universe, and you stare at it for the first time…what do you think your reaction would be?”
I picture it in my mind. I’m in the hospital. The baby is coming and I’m…alone. Doctors encourage me to push. And then…he’s out. They clean him up and hand him over to me and…what?
What do I feel?
“I don’t know,” I admit sheepishly.
“And that’s okay,” she reminds me. “You’re opting to keep this baby, and I know it wasn’t an easy decision for you. It already shows me you have a deep love for this baby. That all of the bullshit Charlie put you through, through all of the pain and uncertainty, you’re choosing to keep this baby with you.”
I don’t want him to turn out like Charlie. I want him to be good. I want him to treat a woman with love and respect. Or a man, if that’s what he is.
“What if I’m a bad mom? What if I can’t get past it?”
“And that right there is the reason why you won’t be a bad mom, Aria. You’re already self-aware. And if I were to put my money on the table, I’d bet you’re already thinking about that baby’s future and what you want for it.”
She weakly smiles and gives my hand a reassuring squeeze.
“This is the part where I tell you to lean on the people around you. You were alone when you were with Charlie. But you’re not alone now. He isn’t pulling your strings anymore. He can’t tell you what to do. You are your own person, and you have an army of people who would go to bat for you. Me, included.” She grins.
“I’m going to be a mom,” I whisper.
“Yeah,” she giggles.
My stomach fills with butterflies as the prospect starts becoming real. Little kicks from my jellybean to remind me he’s still here.
The pit in my stomach…the one from this morning when I realized I was dreaming of Derek.
“I, um…I’ve been having dreams.”
She raises her eyebrows and retracts her hand, pen at the ready.
“Nightmares? Tell me about them.”
“Um, no. Not nightmares.” I sigh uncomfortably. “They’re…sex dreams.”
She blinks, as if she didn’t hear me correctly.
“They’re so vivid. It’s like I’m there.”
“Oh, well those are normal in pregnancy. Vivid
dreams.”
“I mean, I’ve looked on those pregnancy message boards online. Women all over have vivid sex dreams. Some straight women even have encounters with the same sex…” I don’t know where I’m going with this. “Mine feel…different.”
“Explain.”
“They’re with someone I know.”
“Charlie?”
Definitely not.
“No. Not with him. These dreams are…pleasant.”
She nods and sets the notepad down, like this would help me feel better. It doesn’t. I feel naked and judged.
“Is it an ex-boyfriend you see yourself with? The mind likes to wander. And since you’ve gone through some major trauma, it isn’t uncommon to think back to someone who wasn’t necessarily right for you, but was good to you…”
Oh, god.
“Um, no.” I sigh and drop my gaze to the floor. “They’ve centered around the family vet who lives two doors down from me.” I squeeze my eyes shut and die a thousand deaths as my confession sinks in.
“Oh…are you seeing him?”
“No.”
“Have you ever dated him?”
“No,” I reply even more humiliated. “He um…he’s been teaching me how to shoot.”
“A gun?”
“Craps,” I snap sarcastically. I bury my head in my hands and groan. “Yes, a gun. He’s…kind of a dumbass, but he’s…hot.”
I peek through my fingers to Dr. Nelson grinning.
“He is,” she agrees cheekily.
“Oh, god.”
“Don’t worry about it,” she giggles, “I can appreciate his beauty from a distance. I know his reputation and I can assure you I have not touched that.”
“I want to die. This is so humiliating.”
“Do you want a relationship with him?”
I laugh without humor. “Absolutely not. He’s…no. I’m off the market for the rest of my life, and I don’t want to be somebody’s ever again. I barely made it out alive the first time.”
“The rest of your life is a long time, Aria.”
I finally meet her gaze and grimace.
“That’s the point. I have the rest of my life to heal, right? I have the rest of my life to raise a kid and take over the family business. How can I ever trust someone to not beat the hell out of me again? How can I trust a man to love me and my kid when the kid is…Charlie’s?”
“While I agree it takes time to build trust again, I don’t agree with you becoming a spinster. We’re humans. We’re meant to share our lives with however many lovers you want.”
I shudder. Nope. Nope. Nope.
“I’m not telling you to jump his bones, because that would be unprofessional. But, I urge you to follow your heart. Even if it’s telling you one time is enough. Your hormones are raging, you’re feeling better for the first time in months. You’re not repulsed when you’re dreaming of him. Are you repulsed of him in the daylight hours?”
Ugh.
“…No.”
“Then what’s holding you back from exploring something new with him?”
“Isn’t that unethical? He works for my father. I just got out of a terrible relationship. Isn’t there a certain number of months where this would be inappropriate?”
“This is the thing about human behavior. Everyone is different. There’s no timeline you need to follow. The only thing that matters is how you’re feeling. If it doesn’t feel right? Don’t do it. If you find yourself falling into bed with him and you feel, happy, or content…then follow your instincts.”
“Obviously my instincts aren’t great. That’s how I got into this mess.”
“Your instincts are great. You admitted to me that first time you were going to end your life. But it was your instincts that told you not to. It was your instincts that told you to trust Agent Olson. Your instincts are what got you out. And guess what? You’re still alive to tell the tale.”
I make myself at home on Annie’s front porch when I can’t get to sleep. It’s late. Like eleven o’clock late. Mosquitos swarm my legs until the citronella candle starts doing it’s thing. I lie on the porch swing, gently pushing myself into a rocking motion as I stare ahead of me.
The lights in the house that is technically mine are off, which means Olson has given into his exhaustion for the night. The lights at Momma and Daddy’s house are off, and Chris…well, he didn’t come home tonight.
I can’t help but glance over to Derek’s house. The living room light remains on, and it’s taking every ounce of willpower inside of me to not cross the path and invite myself into his house.
It’s wrong. It’s so, so wrong.
I haven’t even talked to him since I was in the hospital. We’ve avoided each other like the plague. He saw me naked. He saw my scars. He saw the baby bump. But it doesn’t stop my heart from squeezing in my chest.
Dr. Nelson is right. My hormones are raging. I haven’t had someone touch me the way a woman deserves to be touched in years. I close my eyes, but every time I do, I see his sculpted chest, the hunger in his eyes. The heat of his touch, the flick of his tongue.
Shit.
I can’t live like this.
I quietly pull myself up from the porch swing and step on the hot pavement, the heat warming my bare feet. His wooden steps are sanded and stained a dark wooden color. I pull open the storm door and gently knock on his front door before I change my mind.
My heart hammers in my chest, begging me to turn around and go back home and begging me to stay right here, all at the same time. My stomach aches in anticipation.
And to my horror, the door opens. He stands before me, shirtless. And regardless of what my mind’s image of him shirtless, somehow it’s even better. Tufts of dark hair trail down the center of his stomach. He wears basketball shorts, and his bare feet are in desperate need of some sun.
“You all right, Ace?”
My eyes meet his, and I swallow the anxiety by closing the gap between us, pressing my lips to his.
And oh, shit. It feels like…heaven.
“Aria, wait—”
27
ARIA
27 weeks pregnant…
My heart comes to a screeching stop. Maybe I read him wrong. Maybe he really was trying to get fresh with me because he’s one of those guys who enjoys the chase. Holy shit, this was a bad idea. What was I thinking?
“I-I’m sorry. I’ll just—”
“Wait, where are you going?” He grasps my wrist and spins me around so I’m facing him.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to jump you…”
“Are you sure about that, Ace?” He grins which only makes me want to die even more. “I’m not rejecting you. Believe me, I’m not. But before this goes any further, I need to know where the line is.”
“The line?”
He motions for me to follow him inside, so I do. I follow him into the kitchen, and he offers me a bottle of water which I reluctantly take.
I feel like a love crazed teenager again. Going after a man who is so far out of my league, that wants things I’m not sure I’m equipped to offer him.
“Derek, seriously. I’m sorry. This was stupid of me. I’m too—
“What?” He asks softly. “You’re too what, Aria?” His voice is velvety smooth. It washes over me like warm water. He respects my personal space by leaning against the counter and watching me like a hawk.
“Broken. Clueless. Naïve. Sullied—”
“—Intelligent. Beautiful. Strong.” He takes a confident step closer to me, lifting my chin to meet his eyes.
He smiles softly, and while my heart threatens to beat a hole out of my chest, he caresses my chin with his thumb.
“To me, Ace, that’s what you are, and so much more. You’re beautiful. More often than not, I want to run my fingers through this hair.” I close my eyes when he raises his hand, not to hurt, but to do just that. My skin erupts in goosebumps from his gentle touch. “Keep your eyes on me,” he instructs quietly.
My eyes fly open, watery and emotional.
“You’re so much smarter than you give yourself credit for. You found a way to get out, Aria. The whole reason why I’m an asshole around you is because you make me feel inferior. You could probably do my job without going to school for it. And you’ve stayed away from me for so long, even though I know you check me out when you think I’m not looking.”
A giggle escapes my lips, and he wipes my tears away.
“So no, baby, I’m not rejecting you. I want to know your limits so I don’t scare you away.”
That sentence alone should scare the shit out of me.
But here I stand, my face cradled in this behemoth’s rough, but gentle hands, heat pooling down below because I want him.
“You’re not him,” I whisper quietly.
He shakes his head. “I’m not him. I promise.”
“Don’t choke me, please.” I blink away more tears.
“I won’t.”
“Don’t call me a bitch either.”
“Jesus, Ace, I’m not cruel.”
I know. But if I don’t express it, then it leaves open endings for miscommunication.
He lifts me up by my waist and sets me down on the counter. His hands rub my thighs as he waits for me to continue.
“I might cry,” I warn. Because a man in his right mind doesn’t want to have sex with a woman who cries at contact.
“Out of fear?”
When I shake my head, he smiles.
“Okay. We’ll move slow.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and shakily place my hands on either side of his face. His stubble feels like sandpaper against my hands, and his eyelids are hooded. He’s beautiful. Perhaps the most beautiful man I’ve ever laid eyes on.
“Speak up if something scares you, okay? Say the word and I’ll stop.”
I nod my acknowledgement as he closes the distance between us, his warm lips pressed against mine.
This is so much better than my dreams.
His kisses are gentle but demanding. His hands hold my hips to keep me steady, and slowly, my legs wrap around his torso, the warmth pressing against his bare stomach.
He reaches for the hem of my shirt and pulls it over my head, my breasts bounce free from the release of my shirt. His eyes widen and sweep over my body. I squeeze my eyes shut. He’s staring at the bump.
Make Me Dream (The Sage Creek Series Book 1) Page 21