by Wolf, Alex
I blush a little, because hello, Donavan Collins came inside me last night and basically said let the fates decide what happens. I mentally smack myself on the forehead. God, and I let him do it.
Of course you did. You always did.
“Morning.” I have a seat.
He takes a sip of his coffee and he’s still the boy I remember, but so different too. I can’t put a finger on it exactly, but he’s just—aged, more mature. At least he looks more mature. It’s hot and I want to drag him back inside and put his manly body to more good use, but I can’t. We have to talk, even if it might kill me. I have so many things to say to him, but I’m scared. So scared my fingers tremble and I grip the sheets tighter around me.
Finally, I inhale a deep breath. “Donavan…”
“I know, we need to talk.”
I’m taken aback for a quick moment. Talking about feelings was not something I ever expected Donavan to be on board with, let alone bring up. He’s always been quiet and always seemed like he was brooding, even when he was in a good mood. Finally, I just nod. “We can’t do this and ignore everything else.”
“I know.”
My eyes widen a little more. Who am I even talking to right now? It’s like I have an actual adult sitting next to me. “I really don’t hold anything against you or your firm because of what happened with my dad.”
He turns and looks at me. “I wish you would’ve called. I know it would’ve been difficult for you, but we wouldn’t have represented them. I know you think I hated you or whatever, but the last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt your family more than I already did.”
I nod. “I know, it’s just…” I sigh, and grin to lighten the mood. “You know how the two of us are. Too proud. Don’t want anyone else’s help.”
He grins and looks back out at the water. “Yeah, I get it. It’s great for professional life, but not so much for personal stuff.”
I shake my head, mainly at the fact I can’t believe this conversation is flowing so easily between the two of us. It’s not how I saw this going at all, and at the same time it makes things a million times worse. I think my life was actually easier when we hated each other. “That’s the truth.”
He glances back over, and his face is full of remorse. “I really am sorry about your mom. You know how much I loved her. And I’m sorry I never took you to meet mine.”
We’re entering shaky ground now, and all I want to do is run, sprint from this apartment, but I can’t. No matter how bad I want to. I look down at the ground. “I thought you were ashamed of me. It hurt. I really wanted to meet your family. I thought we were it. We’d always be together, but that was always the thing that kept me on edge, worried we wouldn’t make it.”
“Pais.”
When I look over at him, he looks like he’s in genuine pain. I’ve never seen Donavan Collins look ashamed of anything he’s ever done in his life, so it takes me by surprise, but it’s there, written on his face.
“It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with how stupid I was. I just…couldn’t let you see me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Fourth best at everything.”
I shake my head. “I don’t even know what you’re saying.”
“In New York I was on top. Everyone looked up to me. I was best in the class, well, until you know…”
I nod. “Yeah, I know that part.”
“But everything, socially. I was the king of that place and it felt like home to me. If I’d taken you to meet my family, you’d have seen me as the baby. That’s all I am here. I’ll always be the one who isn’t good enough, doesn’t do enough. Decker and Deacon were both at the top of their law class, after they were both going to be first round draft picks in the MLB and NFL. Hell, Dexter probably could’ve been too, if he’d even liked sports. But he’s a finance wizard who could piss on something and turn it into gold. He wrote essays and did art stuff that was picked up for publication when he was in his teens. I sucked at sports. I sucked at art. I just… I didn’t want you to see me like that.”
I shake my head. “I wouldn’t have cared, Donavan. I loved you.” I lean back. “Like…bad. Like write Donavan Collins in my notebook over and over bad. You were it for me. Sometimes I’d wondered if you’d brainwashed me somehow. I didn’t even plan on ever using my degree, I just got it as a backup plan. All I wanted to do was get married and support you, start a family. You were larger than life for me. I thought you’d end up being governor one day. Hell, maybe even president.”
“Really?”
I nod. “Yes, really.”
Donavan stares back out at the lake and the boats and the gorgeous sunrise but grits his teeth, just barely. “You have any relationships after me?”
I still can’t believe how possessive he is all these years later, and how much I still love it, even though I shouldn’t. I shake my head. “No. I…” I take a deep breath. “I changed, after us.”
He glances back over, and the shame in his eyes socks me in the chest again.
“I’m not telling you this to get back at you, or to make you feel bad. It’s just an exchange of information, and so you’ll know I’m different now. I’m not the girl you knew. I put up walls and threw myself into work. Don’t get me wrong, I had needs and had them taken care of.”
His fingers tighten into fists when he hears that part, but his face doesn’t show his frustration.
“It was just a release, though. Nothing more. I didn’t feel anything. I haven’t really felt anything since… You know. The only feeling I have is that my heart is encased in steel.” I glance away and sigh. “Man, this conversation got heavy, sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” Donavan takes another sip of coffee. “It hurts to hear, but it’s good to clear the air.”
“So what about you?”
“Pretty much the same. I didn’t want anything to do with women at all for about six months after. Then, I just went nuts, sleeping with any woman I could find.” He pauses and glances over with wide eyes. “Always careful and a hundred percent safe.”
I want to smile at how uncomfortable he just got. It’s cute and obvious he still feels the same way about me as I do him. Why did he have to be such an idiot? We could’ve been so damn good together.
“Me and my brothers were all pretty wild for a while.”
“I noticed they’re all engaged.”
Donavan sighs. “Yeah. They’re all really happy. It’s nice, I guess. Decker and I were on bad terms for a while, and that wasn’t fun. I still can’t stand Tate most of the time, but at least it’s civil now.”
“What happened?”
“It’s a long story.”
“We have time.” I smile.
“She came from The Hunter Group, before we merged with them.”
“Yeah, we heard about it in New York. Bennett paid some attention to it.”
“That fucking guy.” Donavan shakes his head. “Anyway, she came up to do all the due diligence shit, and just walked around like she owned the fucking place. Always mouthing off. Bossing people around. So, naturally, we didn’t get along. She had a client in Texas, I had one here and saw an opportunity, and I filed a lawsuit against Tate’s client.”
I nod. “To create a conflict of interest.” Of course, he would do that. He never goes down without a fight when it comes to everyone else.
Donavan grins a little, clearly still taking pride in his idea to tank a nine-figure merger. “Exactly. It didn’t go over well.”
“Oh, I can’t imagine why not, Donavan. Jesus.”
He laughs this time. A real, genuine laugh, and I love how he looks like a little boy again when he does it. “So yeah, Tate and I don’t exactly get along all that well.”
“She’s been really nice to me. I kind of like her. She’s smart. She does look at me like she doesn’t trust me, though. Can’t really blame her for that.” I glance over, and he’s still fidgety, his hands bouncing slightly against the side of his c
hair. “Why do you still seem on edge? About the merger and everything?”
His eyes dart over to mine. “You don’t miss anything, do you?”
I shake my head. “Nope. What’s so bad about merging with The Hunter Group? Don’t you have an even bigger crim law department now? More cases? I’d think it’d make you happy.”
“I don’t know.” He shakes his head. “Maybe because we didn’t need them. We had everything we needed. Could’ve done it on our own and now it’s like we have this asterisk next to our firm. No matter what we do people will say it’s because we merged with them.”
“Why did you guys merge?”
“Decker wanted to free up time. It was a valid reason. We were working crazy hours and he has a teenage daughter.”
“I thought I saw a picture of an older girl in his office. He must’ve had her pretty young.”
“Yeah, he was still in college. About to be drafted.”
“I think it’s kind of sweet he wanted to spend more time with her, work less. That’s rare for people like us. Most people piss away their families and end up drowning in a bottle of scotch every day after work, wondering where it all went wrong. Good for him.”
Donavan laughs. “Whose side are you on here, fuck?”
I can’t help but smile. Giving him shit was always fun. “I see merits on both sides. But you’re still dodging the question and you know it. What is it about the merger that ate at you so bad you’d divide your damn family over it?”
His eyes narrow, and I know I’m right on the edge of getting my answer. I think I already know what it is, but I want to hear him say it. It’ll be good for him to get it out.
“I just… It was ours. We worked our asses off, blood, sweat, and tears. We built that fucking place, and even if Decker was managing partner and legally it was his right to do what he did, it was still bullshit. Our name was on the wall and he just sold it to the highest bidder, without telling us, without discussing it. It didn’t say Decker on the building, it said Collins. We were the kings of this city.” He leans back and shakes his head, clearly trying to rein in his temper.
Donavan is so intriguing and interesting. I think that’s why I’ve always been so drawn to him. He rails on and on how he went away to New York to prove he was better than everyone else, prove he could do what they do. To get away and step out of the shadow of his family, when all he’s ever really wanted is just to be seen and acknowledged. It’s obvious he loves and cares about his family so much, takes pride in where he comes from, and then feels slighted, unappreciated, invisible.
Then, I came along, and I saw him. I saw his potential, and all the good in him.
I don’t know why, but I think he just has to be the underdog. I think if he got the attention and praise he clearly craves, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself.
Eventually, he looks over at me. “You’re being quiet.”
I nod. “I don’t know how to work out what to say to all that. I’ve never been in that position, had my family’s name on a wall or whatever, but at the end of the day, Donavan.” I reach over and put a palm on his cheek. “It’s just a fucking sign with letters on it. Our email signatures are just names with some letters attached to the end of them. An award for best criminal law department in the country is just words in a magazine. First in your law class is just something on the end of your name in an alumni mailer. Decker’s daughter, your niece, those relationships are real. What we had was real. Those things matter more than any fucking title or achievement.”
Donavan swallows, then stands up. He holds out a hand, and I take it as he gently lifts me up from my chair. We hug and he wraps his hand around the back of my head, pulling me to his chest. I want to nuzzle into it so damn bad. He makes me feel so safe, transported to some other place, some other life.
Finally, he kisses me on the forehead, and smiles. “I know. You’re right.”
“I’m always right.” I grin.
“Oh, I know that too.” He smiles. “How about we just take things slow? And try getting along first. Whatever happens after that, happens.”
I nod, reluctantly. “O-okay. We can try.” On the inside, my stomach twists and sours.
“I’m going to take a shower. I’m glad we did this, though. As hard as some of it was to hear.”
I can’t even look up at him. “Me too.”
Donavan walks off, and I slowly follow him back inside from a safe distance. He heads toward his bedroom, and a few seconds later, I hear the shower come on. Once I hear the door close, anxiety slams into my chest.
What the hell am I doing?
I do whatever I can to shove all the hurt and anger back down, lock it away where it’s resided the past seven years. All the resentment from being abandoned. This was so much easier when we were just enemies. When I wanted to punch him in the face, not stay in bed all day and kiss him.
This will not end well.
Donavan
“You gonna grin like an idiot or help me?”
I shake my head and kick the dolly under a stack of boxes in the back of the U-Haul. “Why didn’t you pay someone to move all your shit for you? Hell, I would’ve paid for it. We could be at a restaurant, drinking booze while someone else did this.”
“Would you look at the big, mighty Donavan Collins. Looks like he’s never done a day of hard labor in his life.”
She laughs, and damn that laugh again. If she’s not careful I might fuck her in here.
“I know how to work hard, princess.” I put a lot of extra emphasis on the word ‘princess’ as I shuffle all her shit down the ramp to the sidewalk.
She hops up on the truck and rifles through her boxes before I can grab her and drag her upstairs, away from all this—work. I pause for a second and look around. The place is nice, right down the road from the office. But it’s not my place, where she belongs.
It’s Saturday, and about two weeks have passed since I fucked Paisley at my apartment. We’ve been on a few dates and things have gone smoothly at the office. It all seems too good to be true. If I’m being honest with myself, I haven’t been this happy in a long time.
Words can’t describe what it’s like to make Paisley smile again. I never thought I’d see the day.
I glance back, and she’s bent over in a tight pair of jeans and the sight of her ass has my jaw clenching. God, she’s so damn beautiful. I just want to bury myself inside her and never leave. I want to tell her fuck all this, she’s moving into my place, no questions asked.
She’d never go for it. Not a chance in hell—yet.
In college, she would’ve done anything I said as soon as I said it. Not now, though. Paisley Williams is a different woman and I’m responsible for that transformation. It still eats at me every minute of every day. I took all her innocence, everything that was great about her, and turned her into, well—me.
The only thing I have left is hope that she’s still in there. She brought out parts of me I never knew existed, and I want that back. I want it so damn bad, to let go of all the resentment, hate, insecurity, and just feel at home with her. Be who I was meant to be.
I don’t know if it’s even possible, but when she’s around, there’s at least a sliver of hope. So, if we need to take things slow, that’s what we’ll do, no matter how bad I want to pack up all this shit, tell her she’s moving into my place, and tell her everything is going back to the way it was and that’s final.
I groan at the sight of her, loud enough for her to hear. She smiles down at the boxes, knowing what her ass is doing to me.
I take off toward the building, hauling her shit.
“That’s right. Keep it moving, Collins. This stuff isn’t going to unload itself.”
I grin the entire way to her apartment as I set the load of boxes down in her living room. On my way back out, she’s practically bouncing as she carries one little box in her arms, her ponytail swaying from side to side with each step.
“I’m really enjoying this.” She s
tops and gives me a peck on the cheek as she struts by.
“I hope so. You’re going to pay for it later.”
“We’ll see.” She sways her hips as she disappears into the building.
I haul the dolly up the ramp again, sweat beads forming across my forehead as I kick the dolly under another stack. I wipe my forehead with my shirt and stare at the never-ending boxes. “Worth it,” I mutter.
I need brownie points, and this is the ultimate way to earn them. Everyone knows carrying heavy shit for women is the way to their heart. And I need the ultimate favor from her.
The Red Wedding (that’s what I’m calling Tate and Decker’s wedding, Game-of-Thrones-style) is coming up in two weeks and I need a date. I want Pais to go with me more than anything, and I know she’ll be reluctant. For one, nobody really knows we’re trying to rekindle our relationship. At the office, we keep things professional; even if I do want to drag her into a supply closet and have my way with her nonstop.
Every time I think about asking her, I tense up, afraid she’ll say no. It’ll be a huge event. The media will be everywhere. Every eye in Chicago is already anticipating it, probably outside of Chicago too. Definitely in Manhattan.
Chicago’s power couple.
That’s what all the headlines say.
I shake my head. I’m being stupid, worrying about it. Of course, she’ll say yes. It’s Paisley. I’ll just give her a swat on the ass, over and over, until she agrees. I have nothing to worry about.
I’m about to lift another stack of boxes and haul it down the ramp when she comes out of nowhere behind me.
“Hey!”
I damn near piss myself and jolt upright. “What the hell, woman?” I start laughing.
Paisley tries to keep a straight face and taps her foot with both hands on her hips. “I don’t see boxes moving. I have to get this truck back by four.”
That’s it. I can’t take it anymore.
I head right at her and her eyes get big.
“Donavan, we don’t—”
I slam my mouth into hers, and at the same time grip both her ass cheeks hard enough with my fingers it might leave marks. So be it. I yank her into me as I kiss the living shit out of her.