by O. Henry
THE EXACT SCIENCE OF MATRIMONY
"As I have told you before," said Jeff Peters, "I never had muchconfidence in the perfidiousness of woman. As partners or coeducatorsin the most innocent line of graft they are not trustworthy."
"They deserve the compliment," said I. "I think they are entitled tobe called the honest sex."
"Why shouldn't they be?" said Jeff. "They've got the other sex eithergrafting or working overtime for 'em. They're all right in businessuntil they get their emotions or their hair touched up too much.Then you want to have a flat footed, heavy breathing man with sandywhiskers, five kids and a building and loan mortgage ready as anunderstudy to take her desk. Now there was that widow lady that meand Andy Tucker engaged to help us in that little matrimonial agencyscheme we floated out in Cairo.
"When you've got enough advertising capital--say a roll as big as thelittle end of a wagon tongue--there's money in matrimonial agencies.We had about $6,000 and we expected to double it in two months, whichis about as long as a scheme like ours can be carried on withouttaking out a New Jersey charter.
"We fixed up an advertisement that read about like this:
"Charming widow, beautiful, home loving, 32 years, possessing $3,000 cash and owning valuable country property, would remarry. Would prefer a poor man with affectionate disposition to one with means, as she realizes that the solid virtues are oftenest to be found in the humble walks of life. No objection to elderly man or one of homely appearance if faithful and true and competent to manage property and invest money with judgment. Address, with particulars.
Lonely, Care of Peters & Tucker, agents, Cairo, Ill.
"'So far, so pernicious,' says I, when we had finished the literaryconcoction. 'And now,' says I, 'where is the lady.'
"Andy gives me one of his looks of calm irritation.
"'Jeff,' says he, 'I thought you had lost them ideas of realism inyour art. Why should there be a lady? When they sell a lot of wateredstock on Wall Street would you expect to find a mermaid in it? Whathas a matrimonial ad got to do with a lady?'
"'Now listen,' says I. 'You know my rule, Andy, that in all myillegitimate inroads against the legal letter of the law the articlesold must be existent, visible, producible. In that way and by acareful study of city ordinances and train schedules I have kept outof all trouble with the police that a five dollar bill and a cigarcould not square. Now, to work this scheme we've got to be able toproduce bodily a charming widow or its equivalent with or without thebeauty, hereditaments and appurtenances set forth in the catalogue andwrit of errors, or hereafter be held by a justice of the peace.'
"'Well,' says Andy, reconstructing his mind, 'maybe it would besafer in case the post office or the peace commission should try toinvestigate our agency. But where,' he says, 'could you hope to finda widow who would waste time on a matrimonial scheme that had nomatrimony in it?'
"I told Andy that I thought I knew of the exact party. An old friendof mine, Zeke Trotter, who used to draw soda water and teeth in atent show, had made his wife a widow a year before by drinking somedyspepsia cure of the old doctor's instead of the liniment that healways got boozed up on. I used to stop at their house often, and Ithought we could get her to work with us.
"'Twas only sixty miles to the little town where she lived, so Ijumped out on the I. C. and finds her in the same cottage with thesame sunflowers and roosters standing on the washtub. Mrs. Trotterfitted our ad first rate except, maybe for beauty and age and propertyvaluation. But she looked feasible and praiseworthy to the eye, and itwas a kindness to Zeke's memory to give her the job.
"'Is this an honest deal you are putting on, Mr. Peters,' she asks mewhen I tell her what we want.
"'Mrs. Trotter,' says I, 'Andy Tucker and me have computed thecalculation that 3,000 men in this broad and unfair country willendeavor to secure your fair hand and ostensible money and propertythrough our advertisement. Out of that number something like thirtyhundred will expect to give you in exchange, if they should win you,the carcass of a lazy and mercenary loafer, a failure in life, aswindler and contemptible fortune seeker.
"'Me and Andy,' says I, 'propose to teach these preyers upon societya lesson. It was with difficulty,' says I, 'that me and Andy couldrefrain from forming a corporation under the title of the Great Moraland Millennial Malevolent Matrimonial Agency. Does that satisfy you?'
"'It does, Mr. Peters,' says she. 'I might have known you wouldn'thave gone into anything that wasn't opprobrious. But what will myduties be? Do I have to reject personally these 3,000 ramscallions youspeak of, or can I throw them out in bunches?'
"'Your job, Mrs. Trotter,' says I, 'will be practically a cynosure.You will live at a quiet hotel and will have no work to do. Andy and Iwill attend to all the correspondence and business end of it.
"'Of course,' says I, 'some of the more ardent and impetuous suitorswho can raise the railroad fare may come to Cairo to personally presstheir suit or whatever fraction of a suit they may be wearing. In thatcase you will be probably put to the inconvenience of kicking them outface to face. We will pay you $25 per week and hotel expenses.'
"'Give me five minutes,' says Mrs. Trotter, 'to get my powder rag andleave the front door key with a neighbor and you can let my salarybegin.'
"So I conveys Mrs. Trotter to Cairo and establishes her in a familyhotel far enough away from mine and Andy's quarters to be unsuspiciousand available, and I tell Andy.
"'Great,' says Andy. 'And now that your conscience is appeased as tothe tangibility and proximity of the bait, and leaving mutton aside,suppose we revenoo a noo fish.'
"So, we began to insert our advertisement in newspapers coveringthe country far and wide. One ad was all we used. We couldn't haveused more without hiring so many clerks and marcelled paraphernaliathat the sound of the gum chewing would have disturbed thePostmaster-General.
"We placed $2,000 in a bank to Mrs. Trotter's credit and gave her thebook to show in case anybody might question the honesty and good faithof the agency. I knew Mrs. Trotter was square and reliable and it wassafe to leave it in her name.
"With that one ad Andy and me put in twelve hours a day answeringletters.
"About one hundred a day was what came in. I never knew there was somany large hearted but indigent men in the country who were willing toacquire a charming widow and assume the burden of investing her money.
"About 100 a day was what came in."]
"Most of them admitted that they ran principally to whiskers and lostjobs and were misunderstood by the world, but all of 'em were surethat they were so chock full of affection and manly qualities that thewidow would be making the bargain of her life to get 'em.
"Every applicant got a reply from Peters & Tucker informing himthat the widow had been deeply impressed by his straightforward andinteresting letter and requesting them to write again; stating moreparticulars; and enclosing photograph if convenient. Peters & Tuckeralso informed the applicant that their fee for handing over the secondletter to their fair client would be $2, enclosed therewith.
"There you see the simple beauty of the scheme. About 90 per cent. ofthem domestic foreign noblemen raised the price somehow and sent itin. That was all there was to it. Except that me and Andy complainedan amount about being put to the trouble of slicing open themenvelopes, and taking the money out.
"Some few clients called in person. We sent 'em to Mrs. Trotter andshe did the rest; except for three or four who came back to strikeus for carfare. After the letters began to get in from the r.f.d.districts Andy and me were taking in about $200 a day.
"One afternoon when we were busiest and I was stuffing the two andones into cigar boxes and Andy was whistling 'No Wedding Bells forHer' a small slick man drops in and runs his eye over the walls likehe was on the trail of a lost Gainesborough painting or two. As soonas I saw him I felt a glow of pride, because we were running ourbusiness on the level.
"'I see you have quite a large mail to-day,' says the man.
"I r
eached and got my hat.
"'Come on,' says I. 'We've been expecting you. I'll show you thegoods. How was Teddy when you left Washington?'
"I took him down to the Riverview Hotel and had him shake hands withMrs. Trotter. Then I showed him her bank book with the $2,000 to hercredit.
"'It seems to be all right,' says the Secret Service.
"'It is,' says I. 'And if you're not a married man I'll leave you totalk a while with the lady. We won't mention the two dollars.'
"'Thanks,' says he. 'If I wasn't, I might. Good day, Mrs. Peters.'
"Toward the end of three months we had taken in something over $5,000,and we saw it was time to quit. We had a good many complaints madeto us; and Mrs. Trotter seemed to be tired of the job. A good manysuitors had been calling to see her, and she didn't seem to like that.
"So we decides to pull out, and I goes down to Mrs. Trotter's hotel topay her last week's salary and say farewell and get her check for the$2,000.
"When I got there I found her crying like a kid that don't want to goto school.
"'Now, now,' says I, 'what's it all about? Somebody sassed you or yougetting homesick?'
"'No, Mr. Peters,' says she. 'I'll tell you. You was always a friendof Zeke's, and I don't mind. Mr. Peters, I'm in love. I just love aman so hard I can't bear not to get him. He's just the ideal I'vealways had in mind.'
"'Mr. Peters, I'm in love.'"]
"'Then take him,' says I. 'That is, if it's a mutual case. Does hereturn the sentiment according to the specifications and painfulnessyou have described?'
"'He does,' says she. 'But he's one of the gentlemen that's beencoming to see me about the advertisement and he won't marry me unlessI give him the $2,000. His name is William Wilkinson.' And then shegoes off again in the agitations and hysterics of romance.
"'Mrs. Trotter,' says I, 'there's no man more sympathizing with awoman's affections than I am. Besides, you was once the life partnerof one of my best friends. If it was left to me I'd say take this$2,000 and the man of your choice and be happy.
"'We could afford to do that, because we have cleaned up over $5,000from these suckers that wanted to marry you. But,' says I, 'AndyTucker is to be consulted.
"'He is a good man, but keen in business. He is my equal partnerfinancially. I will talk to Andy,' says I, 'and see what can be done.'
"I goes back to our hotel and lays the case before Andy.
"'I was expecting something like this all the time,' says Andy. 'Youcan't trust a woman to stick by you in any scheme that involves heremotions and preferences.'
"'It's a sad thing, Andy,' says I, 'to think that we've been the causeof the breaking of a woman's heart.'
"'It is,' says Andy, 'and I tell you what I'm willing to do, Jeff.You've always been a man of a soft and generous heart and disposition.Perhaps I've been too hard and worldly and suspicious. For once I'llmeet you half way. Go to Mrs. Trotter and tell her to draw the $2,000from the bank and give it to this man she's infatuated with and behappy.'
"I jumps up and shakes Andy's hand for five minutes, and then I goesback to Mrs. Trotter and tells her, and she cries as hard for joy asshe did for sorrow.
"Two days afterward me and Andy packed up to go.
"'Wouldn't you like to go down and meet Mrs. Trotter once before weleave?' I asks him. 'She'd like mightily to know you and express herencomiums and gratitude.'
"'Why, I guess not,' says Andy. 'I guess we'd better hurry and catchthat train.'
"I was strapping our capital around me in a memory belt like we alwayscarried it, when Andy pulls a roll of large bills out of his pocketand asks me to put 'em with the rest.
"'What's this?' says I.
"'What's this?' says I."]
"'It's Mrs. Trotter's two thousand,' says Andy.
"'How do you come to have it?' I asks.
"'She gave it to me,' says Andy. 'I've been calling on her threeevenings a week for more than a month.'
"'Then are you William Wilkinson?' says I.
"'I was,' says Andy."