by Natalie Dean
“Nothing makes sense, Maggie. Nothing. Every time I think I have my feet under me, they’re ripped away and I’m falling again.”
She cried against Chastity’s chest, no more words to her plea, and Chastity knew what she had to do.
“Hey, Mom?”
“Yes?” Did she know who Chastity was now? She seemed to have calmed a bit, but that would make this a short episode and mostly hers lasted for hours.
“Would you like to go to church?”
She wiped her face, hiccupping slightly before giving a slow nod. “Yes. I would like to do that very much.”
“All right. How about we stand up, wash our faces, and then go? Do you think we’ll still make it in time?”
“I believe so,” she said, wiping her face with her sleeve.
“Then that’s the plan. Come on now, on our feet.”
They both stumbled upright, and Chastity went about packing some things, so they could go. She had made a lot of mistakes with her mother, mostly because she had no idea what she was doing, but she was trying her best.
And sometimes trying her best meant making up for lost time.
23
Ben
Ben got off the phone with a sigh, flopping back onto his bed and staring at the ceiling as if the answer for all that he was looking for was written up there. He had reached a decision, but he had no idea if he was doing the right thing.
A lightbulb flashed in the corner of his room, which meant someone was ringing the bell at the end of the hall leading into his bachelor’s attachment.
He briefly thought about ignoring it, but his family generally left him alone when he was in his home, which meant that it was probably urgent.
He groaned and got to his feet, heading out of his room and toward the door at the end of the short hall separating him from the main house. He opened the door and was surprised to see his mother there—love and concern clear across her features.
“Hello, son.”
“Hello there, Ma. Do you need something?”
“I just wanted to know if you talked with God, and how it went.”
“Ah…” he let the silence linger for several moments while he decided what he wanted to say—if anything. “I did something.”
“Something like…”
He shrugged. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m still not sure if it was the right call.”
“What makes you think that?”
“Because I feel like I’m not certain of anything anymore. I’m in love with a woman who I would have told you was the devil for the past ten years, and I understand that she has to leave, but at the same time I hate it more than anything else. It’s incredibly dramatic and confusing, and I miss when I didn’t need anyone but us.”
“Would you come with me for a minute?” his mother said softly, without judgment as she held out her hand.
“Why?”
“There’s something I want to tell you. It just came to mind, and I think it might be helpful to you.”
“All right then, I guess I don’t have anything to do but the chores.”
She grabbed his hand and led him back to the living room and toward her favorite sitting couch. “Have I ever told you the story of your great-great-great-grand-uncle who married into our family after kicking his betrothed to the curb?”
“Uh, no. I don’t even know how many years ago that many greats takes us.”
“Fair enough. But this was back with the second generation. You and your brother recently cleared out the grove he planted for her as a wedding present, actually.”
“You mean Juniper’s Grove?”
She nodded. “Juniper was the youngest daughter of the Millers and quite independent. Since she was the baby, her parents weren’t eager to marry her off and let her help her brothers how she wished. Eventually, a runaway horse helped introduce her to the town butcher, who was the son of the previous butcher.”
“And what, they fell madly in love and she realized that love was all right, and you think Chastity will do that if I find a runaway horse?”
Ma laughed lightly, patting his shoulder. “Hardly. As I mentioned earlier, there was a betrothed to worry about. She was a mail-order bride from back East and apparently she was right awful.”
“Uh-huh.”
“She hated children; she hated the West; and she hated that her husband wasn’t super rich.”
“Sounds like a real catch.”
“Oh, she was. Especially since her soon-to-be husband, your uncle, was raising his two siblings, after their mother had passed away.
“He tried to endure her—he really did. But she was volatile and even hit him in front of Juniper and her family. So eventually, he knew that he had to break it off with her.
“It wasn’t easy. He knew that refusing her outright would risk her rage, plus repercussions from her family, who had paid him quite the handsome dowry to be rid of her. One day they were stranded at the side of the road when a rich merchant’s son passed by. After seeing the man, an idea popped into his head, and he seized it with both hands.
“Little more than a few days later, the betrothed left him for the richer man, and he was able to then date Juniper without losing out on the dowry.”
“So, are you trying to tell me that I can have my cake and eat it too? I’m not sure I’m quite catching the moral here.”
“I’m just saying, that our ancestors have been in seemingly impossible social situations as well, yet somehow it all worked out. I won’t say that it was easy, or painless, but in the end, everyone was happy.”
“So you’re saying that I should try to foist Chastity off on someone even richer than us,” he retorted, this time more teasingly than his first question.
She tsked her tongued and gently swatted his arm. “You think you’re so smart, don’t you? Just like your father. All I want you to know is that it’s important you at least try something, and as far as you know, it might work out.”
“Yeah, maybe.” And yet his mood was lifted, and he felt ready to get back to work. If anything, he liked work because it kept him from overthinking everything like Chastity tended to.
“I think I’m going to head out. Thank you, Ma.”
“You’re welcome, son.”
Ben leaned over to give her a kiss on the cheek and headed out the door. But before he could exit, he heard his mother call out to him.
“Dear?”
“Yes?”
“Are you going to call Chastity and talk to her?”
Ben paused in his exit, having not even thought about it before. “I think not. The way I see it, one of two things will happen. Either she’ll forgive me and stay, or she’ll go back to New York where she can live out her dreams.”
“Are you really going to let her go like that again?”
Ben shrugged. “Like you said, sometimes things work out. Sometimes they don’t. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”
“You have such a funny way of listening to me.”
He grinned at her, feeling cheeky, as he often called Chastity. “But at least I listen. It’s more than you can say for some of my other brothers.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You’ve been talking to Bryant again, haven’t you?”
“How did you know?” Ben said with a laugh before heading out the door.
The route ahead wasn’t clear, and he had a feeling that he might end up as alone as he had been for the past ten years.
But at least he could say that he tried.
And he supposed that was the best he could do.
24
Chastity
Chastity didn’t know why she felt nervous as she approached the large spire of the town church. She had visited this place hundreds of times during her younger years and had never felt out of place before.
But now, as she looked at the other churchgoers who were taking their places, she felt like she didn’t belong.
She did believe in God, mostly. But he was more of a something that
hung in the back of her mind rather than directing her whole life. She was sure her mother would have an apoplexy if she ever spoke those words out loud.
Speaking of her mother, she glanced over at her as they gently marched forward. For the first half of the short walk, she had still been shaking slightly and red faced, often needing to blow her nose, but now that they were reaching the end, she seemed to be much more recovered.
In fact, she was standing straight, and a serene expression was across her face. Chastity felt another wave of guilt that she had delayed this for so long when obviously it meant quite a lot to her mother.
But what was done was done, and there was no changing the past, as much as she liked to overanalyze, overthink, and overwork it. Chastity focused on making this trip everything her mother needed.
They went inside the door, and Chastity was almost dunked—head first—into nostalgia.
The church, not ever having central air installed, still had the same massive black fan pointed at the entrance, and then another pointing at the congregation. The low hum tickled up her spine, and she remembered how when she was a child, she would talk into the blades to have it make her voice sound robotic.
She allowed her mom to pull her toward the front, past the final pews for latecomers and more toward the center pews. Chastity’s face burned at that, but she didn’t object. If her mom wanted to sit in the center pews, then they would sit in the center pews.
Eventually, she did find an open spot and slid in, Chastity following her. It seemed that they had only missed the opening announcements, statements, and prayer. The congregation hadn’t even gone into worship yet.
Chastity had always loved that part. She wasn’t the best singer, but it was always nice to vocalize, and the congregation was loud enough that she didn’t have to worry about hitting a wrong note or two.
Sure enough, the band started up eventually, the guitarists and bassist plucking away while the pianist tried to go old-fashioned on the keys. And yet somehow, it worked.
Worship flew by in a blur, and Chastity didn’t find herself nearly as bored with the sermon as she had as a teenager. She remembered how often she had wanted to sleep in, and slightly resented the reverend for having a voice akin to a very low lullaby. But there was a new reverend now, and he was a bit livelier, so maybe that was the difference.
All too soon, however, it started to wind down, the ushers having come to collect a tithe that Chastity didn’t have, and it was time for the final prayer. She had been content to sit in the pew with her head bowed, but her mother was on her feet like it was a race, gunning it for the kneeling bench at the front of the church. What was that called? The altar? She didn’t know. It had been a long time since she had gone to church.
But she wasn’t going to let her mother kneel there alone, so she followed after her.
For a moment, she felt like all the eyes in church were on her, even though she knew that was incredibly unlikely. Somehow, she made it to the front without chickening out, and she knelt next to her mother—who immediately bowed her head.
Chastity followed her example, not wanting to stick out any more than she did already. She tried to think of a general prayer to look more of the part, but soon she heard her mother muttering and that caught all of her attention.
“Lord, please, I need you. I need you so terribly.” Her mom’s voice caught as she prayed, making Chastity’s heart ache. Did her mother realize she could hear her? Did it matter? “It feels like my world is crumbling all around me, and I don’t know what to do. A lot of times my head is muddy, and I feel like I’m losing whole days.”
She continued on, and every word out of her mouth made Chastity ache. Chastity had thought maybe her mother didn’t know the situation that well, that her sickness kept her in her own protective bubble. Apparently, that wasn’t the case.
“I miss Charlie so much, Lord. I know you bring us to you when the time is right, but the world doesn’t seem possible without him. It’s like someone stole all the color from my sunrise. Or snatched away all of the beautiful music that ever existed. I feel empty, Lord. Empty, and alone, and confused.
“Please, I beg of you. I need your guidance in these times. I need the peace that I used to feel all the time in you. It feels like my heart is gone and every single breath pains me deep in my soul.”
Tears welled up in Chastity’s eyes, and she was doing her best to stop it, lest she break her mother’s concentration. But it was difficult. Guilt mixed with empathy, mixed with the rampant desire to do something, but having no idea what to do.
It wasn’t fair. She’d been thinking that far too much lately, but it was true! Her mother tried to live right her whole life, always loving the Lord, always trying to do her best by people—even if her and Chastity had fought often about their stances on certain issues. She had been kind, and loving, and yet here she was, wasting away of a broken heart and mind.
To stand by and watch was excruciating. Chastity wanted to do something, but they hadn’t even received the test results yet from the last round of doctor visits when her mom had gone with Ben. If only—
Thinking his name sparked something in her, and suddenly realization snapped through her mind so fast she nearly got whiplash.
“Dear God,” she whispered to herself.
Her mind was spinning out into the stratosphere.
Because suddenly, she understood Ben.
Sure, he was the one who had broken his promise to go with her. Sure, he was the one that flipped out at dinner. But she finally understood the why of why he had reacted so viscerally.
He loved her, she had always known that, but he really, genuinely loved her, which was why he worked so hard to understand her too. But she kept abandoning him without a look over her shoulder. Chasing big dreams like he was some sort of afterthought.
And it wasn’t that he wanted her to give up on them, or that it would be right for her to, it was just that he needed to see or hear that it was difficult for her to leave him. That it hurt her as much as it hurt him and that she cherished him as well. He could let her go, let her chase her big dreams. He just wanted to know that he still held a place in her heart underneath all of the independence.
He was afraid of being forgotten.
Deep down in his heart, he was afraid that he was going to be left behind, like her mother was now.
Oh goodness.
Shame poured down her soul, and she wondered how it could have taken her so long to get something so simple. He just wanted to know he mattered. That was it. Had she been so busy steeling herself against the rest of the world that she had forgotten how to empathize with the person that she had been closest to?
It seemed that way, which was certainly a shame.
But she could fix it, right? It wasn’t too late. She was still in town, and so was he. Or had she ruined it all already? Would she ever be able to face him again after that terrible dinner? To go from nearly kissing to screaming in anger was not a pleasant transition in her book.
She didn’t know, and she didn’t come up with an answer as her mother continued to gently pray beside her. Chastity didn’t even notice her mom was finished until she felt a gentle squeeze on her arm.
“I’m ready to go home now.”
Chastity opened her eyes and looked around, surprised to see that it was only them and a couple of others left. Apparently, the service had concluded, and she hadn’t even been aware.
“Do you need someone to pray with you?”
Chastity heard another unfamiliar and soft voice. Turning her head to the front, she saw a woman in a demure dress standing on the steps leading up to the main preaching area. She had a Bible in her hand, and her hair was pulled up into a sensible bun.
“Oh no, it’s fine. We were just finishing up, actually.”
“Are you certain?” she asked, smiling softly. She really was pretty, with golden skin and other features which made Chastity think she might have been part Asian. “I usually like to s
tay here for a while and fellowship, so it really wouldn’t be any trouble.”
“Thank you, Keiko,” Chastity’s mom said, slowly standing and bending her knees several times. “But I’m afraid I do get awful stiff after a while, and I’d like to go home and rest. It’s been a… morning and a half, to put it lightly.”
“I understand, Mrs. Parker.” The woman’s smile grew even softer, and Chastity wondered who this young lady was. “And you must be Chastity. I’ve heard so much about you.”
“You have?”
She nodded, extending her hand for a shake. “Your parents used to come here all the time and were always early to my Bible study. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m almost always here.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that.”
“Of course.” She closed her eyes in a very cheek-filled grin before pulling her hand back. “Well, I suppose I should go take inventory of the food pantry for our next big delivery run. I hope to see the two of you another day.” She gave a little bow of her head then wandered off.
Maybe Chastity didn’t have to be as alone in this town as she thought.
“Are you ready, dear?” her mother asked, cutting into Chastity’s introspection.
“Huh? Oh, yeah. I think I am.” She offered her arm, and her mother took it.
Despite losing out on so much article time, Chastity was glad that she had done this. She felt like she’d had about a lifetime worth of epiphanies packed into a very short time and wanted to sort all of it out.
Maybe, just maybe, if she thought long and hard enough about it, she would find a way for her and Ben to, at the very least, be friends.
Wouldn’t that be something?
25
Chastity
To say that the Parker routine changed slightly would be an understatement. A lot happened in the week following their fateful visit to church, and their lives seemed to be better for it.