by A. m Madden
For obvious reasons, I ended up sleeping like shit and have been anxious all day. Last night had been intense for several reasons. Besides the tension between Alivia and me, I also felt guilty that Alivia, Trey, and Camilla knew my news before my parents. They had no idea that the reason for this impromptu dinner was to ambush them, and I worried they’d be pissed.
When I said as much to Lori last night, her response held little concern. She’d bragged that knowing how to handle my mom and dad had become an art form to her. Although she and my father had a love-hate relationship, she claimed the hate part was merely his way of projecting from inferiority he felt due to her arguing skills.
While waiting for our guests to arrive, I frantically tapped a rhythm on the granite and hadn’t realized my mom had been watching me until she tilted her head with concern. “You okay, honey?”
At that moment, the intercom buzzed and I shouted, “I’ll get it!” I rushed toward the door, and when Walter announced through the speaker that Lori and Cannon were on their way up, my anxieties when into overdrive. The few minutes it took for them to emerge from the elevator felt like an eternity.
“Hi,” Lori said with a relaxed smile. “Ready for this?”
“No. Maybe we should wait and tell them another time.”
“Relax, Shane. It’ll be fine.” She patted my arm and walked past me. Cannon grinning as he followed his wife into the apartment wasn’t helping my nerves in the least. It wasn’t his head on the line.
By the time I forced my feet to move, sweat dampened the back of my neck. The quicker we got this over with, the better. I walked in just as my dad asked, “What brought you guys to New York?” As he uncorked a bottle of wine, with that question he unknowingly caused a new wave of panic to engulf me.
“We needed to meet with a possible new artist,” Cannon said innocently. He and Lori made themselves comfortable at the kitchen island while I hovered like a guilty criminal.
“It smells amazing Lei Lei.” Lori expertly changed the subject. “It’s been way too long since I had your lasagna.”
“I made it knowing you love it so much.”
“Sorry we invited ourselves over for dinner.” She didn’t look the least bit sorry.
“Honestly, I was shocked. You never make time for us when you’re in New York,” Mom teased, glancing over her shoulder as she pulled out a massive baking dish from the oven.
“That’s because your husband doesn’t like me.” When Dad’s head flipped up, she grinned. “Where are the spawns?”
“Siarra is at a friend’s tonight. I fed the boys already, and now they’re playing video games.”
“Wow… Miss Tyrant is allowing that on a weeknight?”
“Shut up. I wanted to enjoy my best friend’s visit.” That only meant I didn’t have the monsters to supply a distraction.
“We do have a lot to catch up on,” Lori nonchalantly admitted.
“I can’t wait.” My mother lifted the lasagna before asking, “Shane, can you grab the salad?”
With shaky hands, I carried the big bowl into our dining room. When I was the first to sit, Dad misinterpreted my reason. “Someone is hungry,” he said with a smile, pouring out the wine that I wished was for me.
“Yeah… you know me with lasagna.” Despite starving, the way my stomach twisted made me nauseated. I had no idea if this would come up during the meal or after. Normally, I’d be scoffing down half my serving the moment it was placed before me instead of pushing it around, waiting for the fireworks to begin.
But the conversation’s starting with Lori reminiscing over her and Mom’s high school days relaxed me enough to somewhat enjoy what I was eating.
Ten minutes in, just as I had resigned myself that it would be later and not now, Lori asked, “Remember how your father freaked out when you announced you weren’t going to college?”
Instantly, the hot lump of pasta, cheese, and sauce lodged in my throat, causing me to choke.
“Oh my God, Shane,” Mom said, thumping my back. “Are you okay?”
“Wrong pipe,” I croaked, gasping for air and then downing half a glass of my water. During it all, Cannon seemed a bit concerned, but his wife merely smiled and winked. It was so strange. I wondered if Lori hated me and if this was all a plot to kill me.
At least she spared me more bouts with death for a solid five minutes, only to bring up Mom’s lack of a college education again. But this time, she said, “Actually, you both did pretty well without those dumb pieces of paper declaring a useless degree.”
Mom shrugged. “We got lucky.”
“Well, it wasn’t all luck,” Dad interjected. “I don’t regret skipping out of NYU.” His gaze landed on me. “I do wonder what would have happened had I not dropped out.”
“For one… you wouldn’t have followed your dream and have the amazing life you have now,” Lori said with pure conviction. She pointed her fork at my mom. “Neither would you.”
Again, my mom shrugged. “Maybe not.”
“Which is why you need to listen to what I’m about to say with an open mind.” Thank Christ I had just swallowed. Suspicion instantly creased my mother’s forehead, but she remained silent. When Lori gave me another smile, I debated on running. “So you guys happen to know this new artist Cannon and I came to see in New York very well.”
My parents focused on Lori. “Who is it?”
Lori met Dad’s gaze. “Your son.”
Like a magic trick, all eyes landed on me. “Shane?”
His question sent Lori’s eyes upward. “Yes, Shane. Unless Madden or Drexel have become prodigies overnight.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Dad asked.
“My bassist, Archie, is having a family emergency and can’t tour with us,” Cannon said cautiously. “We asked Shane if he would consider stepping in.”
Before my parents could utter one word, Cannon and Lori tandemly explained it all—from why Archie needed to pull out to why they felt I was a perfect fit. During it, Cannon put his arm on the back of Lori’s chair, calm as can be. My gaze was fixed on my parents as they absorbed every word out of his mouth.
“No one we know can slip into Archie’s spot like Shane can,” Lori interjected.
“We don’t leave until September seventh,” Cannon said next. “That gives him just about six weeks to perfect our set.”
“He’s expected to move to LA?” Mom then asked, panicked.
“No… we’ll rehearse here in New York until we leave. I already cleared it with my band,” Cannon replied. “So, in the scheme of things, it really only takes Shane away for the thirteen weeks we’ll be on tour.”
“And… NYU will still be there for him next semester,” my dad said, filling in the next blank.
“See, you get it.” Lori raised a palm as though she were talking to a child. “Of course, if you didn’t, then I was prepared to once again remind you both how you dodged college altogether.” When my mom gaped at her, Lori shrugged. “Tough love.”
The conversation intensified, with each concern volleyed by a logical response—until my father stared at me long and hard. “You want this?”
“I do.”
“And Alivia?” Mom asked. “Will she be okay with it?”
“She is okay with it. I told her last night.” The expected hurt I knew my mother would feel caused a frown. “Sorry, I just needed to tell someone and—”
“It’s on me,” Lori cut me off. “I wanted…” She glanced at Cannon. “We wanted to be the ones to tell you. Technically, we should’ve gone to you first. But Shane is eighteen, and if he’s going to be expected to act like an adult, then we need to treat him as one.”
Damn, she’d truly thought of every argument. They all spoke about me as if I weren’t even there, having me feel every bit the child my parents considered me to be.
I finally found my voice and asked, “Can I say something?” The way my parents stared at me confirmed they had forgotten I was part of this discussi
on. “I know this doesn’t align with what you guys wanted for me—”
“You wanted it, too, Shane,” my mother interrupted. “You and Alivia both wanted to go to NYU.”
And in a cruel joke sort of way, Alivia’s worries slammed into me like a meteor, bringing with it a flash of understanding. She was right. College was what they wanted for me. NYU was what Alivia wanted. I knew all that, and having nothing else, I’d complied.
“What I wanted was not to upset you guys… or Alivia. I should’ve argued harder. But what would’ve been the point? I’d be fighting for nothing. But with this opportunity, I know attending college will be a complete waste of my time. It isn’t what I want for myself… at least not now. Once the tour is over, I plan to go to NYU as originally planned.”
With my mom’s sigh, I could see the fight within her lessen. “We didn’t mean to push you so hard, Shane. We thought, with your talent, all your dreams would come true eventually.”
“And you had every right to push. It’s because you love me. But I really want to do this. Touring with Cannon would give me the experience I lack in a safe, secure way. You trust him. It’s the perfect situation for me.”
Dad exchanged a long look with my mom, and on her nod reached over and placed a hand on my shoulder. “As parents, we won’t pretend this doesn’t scare us to death. As musicians, we give you our blessing.”
My mouth gaped. “That’s it? You’re saying okay?” Even though I didn’t need their permission, I wanted it.
“We’re saying okay,” Mom repeated with a sad smile. I hated that I’d put it there, and at the same time I loved she cared so much. With a solid nod, and a shaky breath, my mom took my hand. “We would never stop you from your dreams, Shane. You came to us in that very way. Your mother had a vision for your future, and if she hadn’t been as brave as she was you wouldn’t have become such a blessing in our lives.” I swallowed past the emotional lump in my throat, where my mother lost the struggle when tears started to form in her amber eyes. “We are so proud of you and support you if this is what you want to do.”
That was Leila Lair, always putting her family before anything else. I felt like an idiot for thinking this would’ve been a fight between us.
“I had at least twenty or so minutes of arguments prepared.” Lori lifted her wine. “Here’s to you two behaving yourselves.”
“Don’t get so cocky,” Dad grumbled. “Something happens to my son, I’ll kill you.”
“Nothing will happen to your son. Besides, your wife wouldn’t let you harm a hair on my head.”
“Neither would I,” Cannon added with a smirk, and I realized right then and there we were a lot alike.
“Aww… I love you, honey.” Lori stuck her tongue out at Dad and lifted her glass. “All kidding aside, here’s to Shane’s new adventure.”
While we all toasted, my gut continued to churn no differently than it had while waiting to break this news.
Of course my parents would support me, and now that they had, I should’ve been out of my fucking mind excited. Yet the nerves that plagued me all day weirdly remained in the pit of my stomach. And I knew exactly what the cause of it was. I knew why excitement hadn’t pushed its way into my mind or my heart yet.
Alivia.
Chapter Sixteen
Alivia
The night Shane had broken the news to his parents, he’d called me to relay every detail of the evening. What he hadn’t known was that the entire time I’d been on my end swiping away tears that wouldn’t stop while muting my phone between forced jovial responses to everything he’d said.
I really needed to get a grip. If he had seen my red, swollen eyes, he would’ve pulled out of the tour before I could’ve said, “Don’t.”
But as I told my father, and then later my mother, he needed something like this to realize what I already had. Besides the obvious that Shane always had to please those he loved, he was also terrified of hurting someone he loved. Combined, this made for a very laid-back, complacent guy who was setting himself up for a lifetime of regrets.
It was done now. I didn’t know if my worries manifested this course or if it was just fate. Either way, I promised myself I wouldn’t bring up that r-word ever again. I also promised him once he got home that I would slip back into our lives together. Whether I could find my own path during wasn’t something I could confidently confirm.
There was no way to know what would happen while he was away or after he came home. Maybe once he got a taste of being a true musician, he’d feel more comfortable making decisions for himself. Decisions that wouldn’t stem from guilt or loss or love. And in that, he’d ultimately force me to address my own issues.
Really, I should be doing that sooner and not later. He had been my entire life until now, and I had no idea who I was apart from Shane Elliot Lair. The thought of being at NYU without him caused such an ache in my heart. And yes, I was aware it was me who believed he shouldn’t be there. That wouldn’t make it any easier to live through.
How hypocritical to force him to take a good hard look at himself while not doing the same. I truly needed to figure out what I wanted for myself. Maybe I would be a supportive wife to him one day, and I’d be blessed to have such a future. My mom was a prime example of what could lie ahead for me—supporting wife of a rock star. But even Mom had a job she loved.
Before Dad had come into our lives, her business had been what kept us going. There’d no longer been a financial reason for her to continue web designing or to keep building her client base. She’d done it because she loved it.
Except for Shane, I had no passion for anything. As much as being by his side as he rocked the world with his musical talents thrilled me, it also scared me. I often struggled with the reality we faced—a gorgeous, young, talented guy like Shane let loose in the wild with crazy people waiting to get their hands on him. I’d seen firsthand how rock stars were forced to navigate fame. Some did it well; others, like my own father, struggled to the point of tragedy and addiction. Personally, the older I got, the more I wasn’t sure I had the qualities needed to be a “supporting wife of a rock star.”
I constantly pushed that out of my mind, because going down that path with my thoughts inevitably brought tears. I had time to worry about all that. What I had to do first and foremost was enjoy my time with him before he left… and to hide how deeply our soon-to-be separation upset me.
On the tour front, Shane needed to get into the studio with Cannon’s band as soon as possible. But due to how quickly all this had been dropped on him, and me, Lori had set his first date to do so next Monday. That gave us a week to be together day and night.
I still hadn’t told Kim, and I know Shane hadn’t told his friends either. Maybe we both felt that formally sharing his news would make it even more real. Besides, Shane had yet to sign anything, so really it wasn’t official. I couldn’t help but feel like a huge stopwatch had been triggered the moment he told me and, with each moment that passed, brought us closer to the dreaded zero hour.
Even though rain was forecast for the next few days, Shane didn’t care. Once again, we set out for his beach house by ourselves… except that Edna and the groundskeeper would be there.
Surprisingly, I got no pushback from my dad. After our talk, he’d been extremely sympathetic toward my situation. He knew the misery I soon faced… as did my mom. Even Leila had called concerned about me the day after she’d found out. She’d admitted this would be good for him and couldn’t be the reason he didn’t follow his dream. That was before she praised my never-ending support and love for her son.
Again, I cheerfully repeated all the encouraging words I’d committed to memory, including how it was only a few months in length.
Maybe I should consider acting as a career.
I was pretty damn good at it. Like when Shane reached for my hand across the beach blanket we sat on while I gave him a stunning smile.
Since arriving, we’d been inside most of the day. The
air was hot and muggy, but with a break in the weather Shane and I headed straight for the beach before it poured again. The clouds blanketing the sky and the oppressive heat seemed like a poignant metaphor for what I’d been feeling.
“Hey, babe?” Shane asked. He’d been quiet until then, lost in his own thoughts. Except to relay his rehearsal schedule, and that he was both nervous and excited, he hadn’t talked about the tour much.
“Yeah?” Distractedly, I dug small divots in the rain-soaked sand with my toes.
“Do you not want to come out and see me during the tour?”
The vulnerable way he asked caught my focus. “Of course I do… whenever I can. Why would you think I wouldn’t?”
He shrugged before picking up a rock with his free hand and tossing it. “When I asked you the other night, you didn’t answer.”
Had he asked me that? I was so caught up in his news I’d gone into autopilot mode. Tucking my legs beneath me, I sat facing him, our hands still entwined. My eyes raked over his gorgeous naked torso, pausing on the tattoo he’d inked over his heart before meeting his gaze.
“Shane, if you want me to I will.”
He gawked no differently than if I had grown antlers. “Liv… I wish you could be on that damn bus with me every day.”
The telltale sign I would become emotional began to swell in my throat and build behind my eyes. He was too close to hide it from him, so in a move I’d mastered, I deflected by asking, “Want to take a swim before the next monsoon comes?” My gaze swept over the ominous sky. “We never did it in the ocean,” I added with a slight raising of my eyebrows.
Predictably, my brazen suggestion completely distracted him. “You’re serious?”
“To quote my horny boyfriend… as a heart attack.”
“Jesus Christ.” In a flash, he had us up and sprinting toward the water. My giggles increased when our feet left the hard-packed wet sand to tread as quickly as our legs allowed through the shallow waves. By the time we were waist deep, I was out of breath.
Again, Shane wasted no time at all, lifting me in his arms and forcing my legs around his waist. “You’re full of surprises, my girl.”