The Unbelievable Oliver and the Sawed-in-Half Dads

by Pseudonymous Bosch

  “Just open it,” Simon said.

  Teenie leaned in as Bea opened the envelope.

  Inside were tickets for an all-inclusive family vacation to Mexico. The brochure promised rest, relaxation, and fun for the kids.

  “I may not have planned the best wedding,” Simon said. “But we’ll have the best family-moon ever.”

  Miguel hugged his husband. Guests clinked their glasses and cheered.

  As the crowd quieted, the music that Spencer had left playing seemed to grow louder.

  “Well, that was exciting,” said Miguel, breaking away from Simon. “Care to dance?”

  Miguel and Simon had taken classes for a few weeks leading up to the wedding. In all the confusion, they’d almost forgotten the steps, but neither gave a single glance at their feet.

  Benny tried to hide his eyes. First with his sunglasses.

  Then with his paws.

  Finally, he could hide it no longer. Benny was crying like a baby bunny.

  “It’s just all so beautiful,” said the rabbit. “I love a wedding.”

  This was a surprise to Oliver, who’d heard Benny complain endlessly about weddings.

  However, it was a bigger surprise to Bea and Teenie.

  “You can talk!” Bea shouted.

  “Of course he can!” Teenie said. “It makes so much sense that Oliver has a rabbit talking in his ear.”

  “It explains everything,” agreed Bea. “There was no way he could learn all that magic on his own.”

  “Nobody can know,” Oliver told them, his voice tense.

  “Sure, okay,” said Teenie. “We need to preserve your mystique. Nobody’s going to hire you if they know you’re not really a brilliant magician.”

  “Although it’s a little selfish, taking all the credit,” said Bea.

  “No, you don’t understand,” said Oliver. “It’s because he’s on the lam. That’s why nobody can know Benny can talk.”

  Benny wiped away his tears and got serious. “It’s true. Every bookie in Reno is after me. All based on a misunderstanding, naturally. But they’re wolves, all of them. So you gotta zip it, or they’ll have me for breakfast.”

  The girls zipped their mouths shut as requested, but their silence didn’t last long. They were being called to join their fathers on the dance floor.

  “Mmon-ah-ay!” Teenie said with her lips still zipped shut.

  “Huh?” came the response.

  Bea unzipped her lips and shouted, “On our way!”

  Benny was reduced to tears once more.

  “All I wanted was one last dance,” the rabbit cried. “But no, she left me at the altar and didn’t turn back. We never danced again. I never danced again.”

  “And there you have it—two father-daughter dances, side by side!” Spencer, who’d returned from the police station, was speaking into a scratchy microphone. “I think that has even broken the heart of a seventeen-year-old valet disc jockey. Now I need everyone to dance. That means grandmas. Grandpas. Kids. Rabbits. Everybody. You ready?”

  Oliver couldn’t refuse. His mother was already on the dance floor. Uncle Jeff too. The whole Nowonder third-grade class. Lita. Lito. Jacques Fondant. Aunt Margie. Simon. Miguel. Bea and Teenie. Everybody.

  “The bunny hop!” Benny said. “How offensive. And they’re doing it wrong. They don’t even know the steps.”

  Oliver didn’t know the steps, but he knew he wanted to dance.

  “Benny, maybe you can join in just this once,” Oliver said. “Show them how it’s done.”

  He looked over to his friend, but Benny was gone.

  He was already doing the bunny hop, and teaching everyone on the floor.

  BENNY’S BUNNY HOP

  1. Stand tall. Hold the hips of the person (or rabbit) in front of you.

  2. Stick your right foot out, and bring it back twice.

  3. Stick your left foot out, and bring it back twice.

  4. Take one hop forward, and one hop back.

  5. Hop forward three times.

  6. Repeat.

  Oliver tripped over his feet a few times, but soon he too was dancing the night away.

  The day may have begun with a man being sawed in half, but it ended with a family being brought together.

  Weddings don’t need magic, Oliver thought. They are magic.

  THE END

  AFTER-PARTY:

  SAW FOR YOURSELF

  After this wonderful magic show and wedding, you may be dreaming of one day finding a special someone to saw in half. That day is today. You can saw for yourself.

  You’ll just need a few household items, a little practice, and a working knowledge of how to cut cardboard safely.

  THE SAWED-IN-HALF TRICK: HOME VERSION

  A shoe box

  A pair of scissors

  An adult’s permission to use the scissors

  Tape

  Construction paper (best if same color as shoe box)

  Two very similar dolls or action figures with heads, feet, and other moveable parts still intact

  A gullible audience

  MAKING THE COFFIN

  Using scissors and care, cut the shoebox down the middle. Cut the lid as well.

  Cut additional holes in the sides of the box. This could be difficult and you may damage the box. Use tape for any necessary repairs. It’s fine to simply cut out one flap on each side, big enough for the doll’s, or action figure’s, feet or head to poke through.

  Your box will now be open at the middle. Use construction paper to cover the open sides.

  The setup is complete!

  You transformed a lowly shoebox into a magical coffin. This is a good time to decorate. I recommend glitter. But it’s your funeral.

  PREPARE FOR THE TRICK

  Hide one doll inside the foot-side of the coffin. (This doll will later provide the feet for the doll that is sawed in half.) Then put both sides of the coffin back together, and place the coffin on a table or stool.

  Place the other doll in the audience, raising their hand in the air. This doll will be your volunteer and provide the head in the sawed-in-half trick. Now gather the rest of your audience, along with a few additional dolls or action figures, just to make sure it doesn’t look like a setup.

  SHOWTIME

  You’re ready to perform!

  Start with some “patter,” which is magician talk for, well . . . talk. Tell a joke or simply stick to the script: “I’m about to perform a dangerous feat of magic and daring, not for the faint of heart. Do I have a volunteer?”

  Do not choose any living creatures who happen to volunteer. Choose the plant (I mean doll) you positioned in the audience earlier.

  Engage the doll in some small talk.

  Now ask your audience to cover their eyes as your volunteer prepares for the trick.

  Place the volunteer doll inside the head-side of the coffin, positioned so that the doll’s head sticks out, while the legs, and the rest of the doll, are hidden inside.

  At the same time, maneuver the second doll at the foot of the coffin so that the doll’s feet stick out of the other end. At this point, it should look like there is only one doll and only one coffin.

  Your audience may open their eyes.

  Reminding your audience that this trick is not for the faint of heart, take out your scissors. Cut another piece of construction paper to prove that they’re sharp.

  Say some comforting words to your volunteer doll in case the doll is nervous. Then cut the coffin right down the middle. You already did this, so it should be easy. Make it look difficult, though. Remember, the audience thinks you’re actually cutting a doll in half.

  Once you slice through the coffin, you should pull the two halves apart and show
your audience what you’ve done. Ta da! This is a good time to check in with your volunteer.

  Explain to the audience you’re about to do something even more incredible: Put the volunteer back together again. You can talk about how you’re doing this with “no medical training or anesthesia.”

  Push the two halves of the coffin back together with a magic word like “Voila!” or “Gesundheit!”

  Now remove the doll from the first half of the coffin, unharmed. Take care to hide the other doll’s feet at the same time.

  Congratulations!

  You’ve sawed your first volunteer!

  Now hurry and put the scissors back where you found them, but don’t run!

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Pseudonymous Bosch is the infamously anonymous author of the New York Times bestselling Secret Series and the Bad Books. Despite rumors to the contrary, his books are not actually written by his pet rabbit, Quiche. Nor is he the alter ego of Raphael Simon, a totally unrelated author who lives in Pasadena, CA, with his husband and twin daughters.

  Shane Pangburn grew up in rural Illinois and now lives in Los Angeles with his wife and child. He produces YALLWEST, the nation's largest youth and young adult literary festival. His cartoons and illustrations have appeared in The Daily Dot, numerous college textbooks, and how-to guides. He worked as a children's bookseller and textbook illustrator before switching to literary promotion, assisting other authors on their book campaigns.

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  ** You can read all about it in The Unbelievable Oliver and the Four Jokers, available wherever books are sold. If you’re looking for a birthday gift nobody will steal, might I suggest a book? Maybe two?