by Eva Shepherd
Despite what her body was crying out for, she had to fight against that desire, that overwhelming temptation. Despite her burning need for him, she had to extinguish the inferno that had engulfed them and try to put this right, as impossible as that goal was.
‘Go to her, Mr...’ Nellie repeated and paused. ‘Go to her, Dominic.’ He looked down at her, his dark eyes still glazed by a fog of desire, but like herself, she could see that the full, shameful realisation of what they had done was starting to cut through the fog.
She lowered herself from the table. Holding her gaping blouse together, she took a step away from him. ‘Go to Lady Cecily. Go to your fiancée,’ she stated more forcefully.
‘I can’t leave you, Nellie,’ he murmured, taking a step towards her and reaching out his hands.
Nellie looked down and took in a deep, slow breath, determined to be strong. ‘Yes, you can.’ She looked up at him with more resolve than she felt. ‘Yes, you will. She needs you. She must be in shock after what she has just witnessed.’ Although the expression on Lady Cecily’s face did not seem distressed in the slightest. Her head had been inclined slightly, her gaze had been calm, her face expressionless. It was as if she was observing a mildly curious scene that had no real relevance to her. But then, the upper classes were notorious for refusing to show any emotion. She might not have looked it, but how could she not be distressed by what she had witnessed?
‘You need to go to her,’ Nellie repeated more forcefully. ‘I can take care of myself.’
After all, isn’t that what I’ve always done?
‘But, Nellie, I...’
‘I said go to her.’
‘But we need to talk. We have to talk. This has changed everything between us.’ He gestured towards the table.
Nellie nodded, but pointed towards the door. ‘All right. But first you need to find Lady Cecily. You need to talk to her first.’ He nodded, but remained rooted to the spot. Nellie gave him a small push. ‘Go.’
He nodded, paused, then headed towards the door. ‘Wait for me, Nellie. We must talk about what has happened,’ he said over his shoulder as he departed.
Nellie leant back against the table, her legs weak, her body completely drained of all energy. She closed her eyes and tried to breathe slowly and deeply. She needed to compose herself, to try to make sense of what had just happened and think about what she was going to do now.
Slowly her racing heartbeat returned to its normal rhythm. She opened her eyes, looked down and saw her blouse, the buttons undone, her chemise pulled down below her breasts. If Nellie needed a reminder of her slatternly behaviour, her dishevelled clothing would provide it. But she didn’t need a reminder. She knew what she had done was wrong. She pulled up her chemise and quickly buttoned up her blouse.
Then she saw the innocent book, abandoned on the Persian rug. It had fallen from her hand when she had kissed the man she shouldn’t have. She picked it up and replaced it on the shelf, wishing the damage she had done could be mended just as easily.
How long Lady Cecily had been standing at the door watching, Nellie had no idea. But even if Nellie had seen her the moment she had arrived, Cecily still would have seen enough to know what was going on.
The burning on Nellie’s cheeks burst into an inferno of shame. The Duke of Ashmore had accused her of being Dominic’s mistress. She had been outraged by his suggestion, yet how she had behaved had exceeded even the low standards that the Duke considered acceptable behaviour. He had said he didn’t object to Dominic having a mistress, even expected it of him, but the Duke did expect discretion. And discreet was one thing their behaviour most definitely had not been.
Nellie placed a trembling hand on the table. This was terrible. Lady Cecily had never done her any harm and now she had caused her such distress, she had probably ruined Dominic’s chances of making a good marriage. Something he wanted so much. She’d probably brought shame on him and the family, ruined Miss Lockhart’s chances of making a successful marriage and the younger sisters’ chances of being presented at court. All because she couldn’t resist a man who could never be hers.
She might not approve of the way the upper classes bargained and manoeuvred to secure the best possible marriage deals, but it wasn’t her place to ruin other people’s lives. Dominic wanted to marry Lady Cecily. He wanted his sisters to move in higher circles than they already did. Whether Nellie approved of such aspirations was neither here nor there. She shouldn’t be ruining other people’s lives just because she couldn’t resist an attractive man. She should not have succumbed to her passions, not when it could cause so much damage to so many people.
Nellie could not imagine what the conversation between Dominic and Lady Cecily was going to be like. If she was Lady Cecily, she would be tearing him limb from limb before leaving and never seeing the rascal again. And as for how she would behave towards the slattern who was caught in a compromising position with her fiancé, well, Nellie would show no mercy towards such a woman.
But she could not imagine Lady Cecily doing such a thing. High emotion was something she would not expect from her. The way Lady Cecily had just stood at the doorway as if watching a slightly unexpected scene that she was too polite to interrupt suggested she was unlikely to vent her anger on either Dominic or Nellie. But who knew how people would react when in an emotional state?
Her behaviour tonight had proven that. She had come into the library to find a book to read and had ended up in Dominic Lockhart’s arms. She had most certainly acted against her better judgement because she was caught up in an emotional state, an emotional state she felt powerless to control.
She ran her finger gently along the spine of Dominic’s childhood book. It had been such a delight to handle a book that he had loved so much as a boy and to see the playful note he had written in the front. He had once been a naughty child who loved reading a book that featured a mischievous imp. But that wasn’t who he was now. He was a man with responsibilities, with sisters whose futures he needed to take care of.
Her hand dropped to her side. Once again, her impulsive behaviour had detrimentally affected Dominic’s life. Her reckless behaviour had resulted in him being beaten black and blue. Now her inability to control her desires had put him in a compromising position. While she couldn’t take full responsibility for what had happened between them, she had certainly been a willing participant.
She looked around the library and sighed. What was she to do now? Acting as if nothing had happened was certainly out of the question. She could hardly do what she had originally planned, find a book to read and retire for the night. With so many confused thoughts whirling through her head, reading would demand more concentration than she was capable of. How could she possibly settle down and read a book when she was so racked with guilt? How could she concentrate on anything when the memory of that kiss, those caresses was still so clear in her mind’s eye, still imprinted on her body?
Dominic had kissed her like a man possessed. A man who wanted to possess her. Nellie lightly touched her lips. There was no doubting that the man lusted after her. Desired her as much as she desired him. But that meant nothing. He was engaged to another woman. He planned to marry another woman.
All she could ever hope for was to be Dominic’s mistress, just as the Duke of Ashmore had assumed. Despite her protestations to the contrary, hadn’t she proven that she was just the sort of woman who would become a man’s mistress? The shame consuming Nellie increased its painful grip. It seemed she wasn’t the woman she thought she was. She was a woman who could let her passions control her and cause her to make foolish decisions.
She had been a fool to let her desires possess her in such a reckless manner. She should have controlled herself. Or at least tried, but she hadn’t even done that.
And if Lady Cecily hadn’t appeared at the doorway, would they still be making love? She looked over at the library table. An excite
d tremor rippled through her body, answering that question for her. She closed her eyes. Wasn’t that something she had been dreaming about since she first laid eyes on Mr Dominic Lockhart? Something she thought would never happen. Something she knew should never happen. Something that must never happen again.
There was no denying the attraction between herself and Dominic. She desired him, more than she would once have thought possible. And that look in his eyes when he kissed her, the insistency of that kiss, that demanding need she felt when he was holding her close, made it clear just how strong his desire for her was.
But all there could ever be between them was something physical. And for her that could never be enough. As much as her body craved him, she would not be his mistress. She did not want to be some wealthy man’s bit on the side, even if that wealthy man was Dominic Lockhart.
Such an arrangement would be insulting to Nellie and insulting to Lady Cecily. And if it was something that Dominic would countenance, then he wasn’t the sort of man she had assumed him to be.
She placed her finger back on the spine of his childhood book. If she was being completely honest, she could never be his mistress because that wasn’t what she really wanted. It wasn’t just that it would be morally wrong. It was because it would not be enough. Giving herself to Dominic had been about more than just lust. It was much more than that.
Her hand dropped back to her side. She had done the stupidest thing she could imagine. She had fallen in love with Dominic Lockhart, a man so unattainable it was ridiculous to even think about such things. Only a stupid, stupid woman from her class would fall for a man from Dominic’s class. Nellie had always arrogantly thought herself smarter than most women, less gullible, and certainly less naive to the ways of the world. But it seemed she was wrong. A smart, sensible woman would never be so foolish as to fall in love with an unattainable man from the wrong class who was already engaged to be married. It was obvious Nellie was neither smart nor sensible.
She leaned against the table and took her head in her hands. Hopefully, Dominic had no idea what she felt for him. She would hate to think that he knew she was in love with him. That would cause too many complications. Despite what had just happened, she knew that Dominic was still an honourable man. If he knew she was in love with him it would make things even more complicated than they already were. He would feel responsible for her as much as he did for Lady Cecily. And she couldn’t have that. Much better if he just saw her as a wanton woman who was easily seduced.
Nellie’s choices were becoming obvious. She was in love with Dominic Lockhart, but the most she could ever be to him was a mistress. She did not want to be his mistress. But she was incapable of resisting her passion for him—hadn’t she just proven that?
She quickly stood up from the table as if it was burning into her and looked down at the inoffensive piece of furniture as if it was somehow partly responsible for what had happened. The moment he had kissed her she had been lost. If he wanted her again, could she ever find the strength to deny what she also wanted? Were her protestations that she would never become any man’s mistress genuine? No matter how much her rational mind told her it was wrong, the driving desires of her body were stronger than her rational mind. The truth was she could not resist Dominic Lockhart.
If she was to avoid becoming the mistress of a rich man, there was only one thing she could do. Never see him again.
She turned from the table and faced the door. And never seeing him again would be the kindest thing she could do for Dominic. All she had done since she had come into his life was cause problems for him. The only reason she was in his home was because she was trying to repay her guilty debt to him for causing him to be beaten by thugs. She had styled his sister’s hair as promised, so that guilty debt was paid. Now the best way she could repay this latest guilty debt to Lady Cecily, and to allow Dominic to have the life he wanted, was to get out of his life and stay out.
* * *
The next morning Nellie stood on the platform of the small local railway station and anxiously waited for the early morning train that would take her back to London.
It seemed fleeing from Dominic Lockhart was becoming a habit, but it was a habit Nellie was going to have to break. This would be the last time she would flee because she would never see him again. Leaving Lockhart Estate last night had been the most sensible thing she had done in a long time. She knew that if she had seen Dominic again her firm resolve might have unravelled. Especially with his kisses still fresh on her lips, her skin still aware of the caressing touch of his hands, her body still burning for him.
Last night the coach driver had been reluctant to take her into the local village so she could find lodgings for the evening. He didn’t want to go to the trouble of hitching up the carriage in the middle of the night and was no doubt looking forward to his bed after a long day’s work. It was only when she reminded him that he had been instructed by Mr Lockhart to do exactly what Nellie wanted that he had resentfully relented.
Then she had spent a restless night in the rooms above the local inn, tossing and turning without sleeping. It hadn’t been the sound of revellers in the tavern below that had kept her awake, she was used to sleeping in a noisy city, it was the thoughts in her head, going around and around.
She looked along the track and willed the train to hurry. She was emotionally shattered and wanted to return to the refuge of her business and her own rooms.
The uniformed station master walked past, looking at his fob watch. ‘Not long now, ma’am. The early train to London is never late,’ he said proudly, as if he was personally responsible for the efficiency of the train service.
Nellie looked up at the station clock. Five minutes to go until the train was due. Five anxious minutes and this would all be over.
She paced the empty station. No one else was getting on the early morning train. It would be stopping to pick up one lone passenger and the trollies that were piled high with goods and the bulging bags of mail waiting on the station to be loaded on board.
She turned to pace her way back along the station and was stopped in her tracks. She wasn’t alone after all. Dominic was running along the station and he didn’t look happy.
‘Nellie, what are you doing?’ he shouted, still halfway down the platform. ‘Were you going to leave without speaking to me? We need to talk after what happened between us.’
Nellie anxiously looked around the station. Was there anywhere she could flee to? No, she was being ridiculous. Soon the train would arrive. Then she could go back to London, back to her real life, but for now she was going to have to endure one more conversation with Dominic.
He stopped in front of her and grabbed her arms tightly. ‘Nellie, you can’t leave, not now, not like this.’
She drew in a shaky breath and looked up at him. The dark smudges under his eyes, his unshaven face and the grey tinge to his skin suggested he, too, had spent a sleepless night. And it was all her fault. Thanks to her he had lost everything. Lady Cecily had presumably given him his marching orders and how could Nellie blame her? There would be no connection to the Ashmores, no presentation at court for Violet and Emmaline, no royal balls, no dukes coming a’courting for his sisters, and all because Nellie Regan couldn’t resist this irresistible man.
And he was wrong. She could leave without speaking to him and that was exactly what she had planned to do. But that was now an impossibility. She was going to have to have one last, painful conversation with him, one that would end everything between them, one from which there would be no turning back.
She shook her head, lifted her chin and forced down all silly emotions, all unwanted desires. She hadn’t been strong last night, but she had to be strong now. ‘There’s nothing to say, Dominic, so don’t waste your breath.’
He reached down for her hands, but she placed them firmly behind her back. ‘Nellie, you can’t leave me, not without discu
ssing what happened between us last night. Last night changed everything for us. We have to talk about it.’
She shook her head again. Last night had changed everything and that was why it should never have happened, that was why she had to leave. And Dominic needed to understand that. They had both succumbed to their passions, but in the cold light of day, she knew there was no future for them.
She forced herself to give a light laugh. ‘There’s nothing to discuss. We had a quick kiss and a fumble in the library. It wouldn’t be the first time that had happened between a master and a servant and I doubt it will be the last. There’s nothing more to talk about.’
Further colour drained from his already ashen face and he recoiled as if she had slapped him. The hands that were reaching out to her dropped to his sides and he took a step backwards. Nellie wanted to take him in her arms and soothe away the pain that was written on his face. She wanted to tell him that was not how she saw him, that she loved him. But her cruel words had the intended effect. They had made him see that he was better off without her in his life, causing him constant problems.
He had to realise the truth. There was no future for them, but that did not mean that Dominic needed to ruin his own future, and the future of his sisters, just because he had allowed his passions to rule his head for one foolish moment. Lady Cecily might have rejected him last night—Nellie could only assume that she had, it was certainly what Nellie would have done—but another aristocrat with the necessary pedigree and connections was sure to see the advantage of marrying his daughter to the wealthy and extremely suitable Mr Dominic Lockhart.
‘It wasn’t like that,’ he finally said, his voice quiet and strained.
Nellie pushed her chin forward and shrugged her shoulders. ‘Well, it hardly matters what it was like. I’m leaving. That’s the end of the matter.’
After all, I’ve done enough damage already.
‘Now, I’d appreciate it if you went back to your guests. I’ve a train to catch and a business to run.’