by CeeCee James
“Because I scored a great job with God’s greatest animals ever, rather than some button up nine-to-five position in a stifling building. So give me some credit. How are you really?”
“It was awful to find the body.” The words came out stilted. It was the first time I actually talked about how I felt.
“I don’t envy you. I wonder who called the cops.”
“It wasn’t me, I swear,” I said.
“Ringmaster going to have their ears for pig slop, when he finds out.”
I looked at him slightly indignant. “You act like he’s madder that the cops were called than Bernie was murdered.”
“I don’t know about being madder, but that’s a cardinal rule of his. Don’t call the police. And someone did. Anyway, I have to feed these guys. Want to come with me?”
I nodded. After giving Prancer a kiss, I followed him out of the stall. Jerry picked up a pitchfork full of hay and strode down to the first horse stall. I admired how his muscles bunched in his arms and back as he moved.
“I wonder why,” he continued, catching me off guard.
“Why what?”
“Why someone would involve the cops.”
“Because there’s a dead body?” I said, a little sarcastically. It seemed evident to me.
Jerry dumped the hay in the feeding trough. Tiny pieces of hay drifted in the air. The horse whuffled as he dipped his head into the bin. “I don’t think so. I think they did it specifically to make trouble for the Circus.”
He glanced at me and then back for more.
“Maybe a guest did it.” I shrugged, trotting to keep up with him.
“If someone had seen it, don’t you think there would have been more of a crowd?” Jerry asked. He forked up more hay with a grunt. “You know who I think did it?”
“Who?” I asked.
“The murderer. I think he did it so he could escape clean.” He strode to the next stall and dumped the hay. The horse gave a welcoming whinny at the sight and trotted over.
“That doesn’t make any sense to call the police if you want to escape unseen,” I argued. I gave up following Jerry back and forth and sat on a bale of straw to watch.
“Oh, really?” Jerry called from the hay pile. “Well, it seems like he escaped to me.”
I wrinkled my nose, hating to admit he was right. Jerry grunted as he brought hay to Prancer. After he fed my horse, Jerry paused to scratch him on his nose. Then Jerry walked over and planted himself next to me on the straw bale.
It was a little alarming to have him so close. And thrilling too. He rubbed his hand down his skinny leg, one knobby knee just threads from poking clear through his worn pants.
He sighed. “Anyway, I was worried about you. I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“I am,” I said, feeling a bit breathless at how close he was.
He smiled and slowly drew a finger down my hand. “Christmas is coming. You know what you want?”
My eyebrows flickered up. I may have even gasped in surprise at his question, I was so taken aback. “What I want? Jerry, you don’t have to get me anything.”
“I want to.”
Now, my face felt hot with embarrassment, causing me to confess, “I don’t have anything to get you a present, though.”
He laughed. “Come get that cup of coffee with me sometime and that will be present enough.”
I smiled and stood up. “Sorry it didn’t work out tonight. You just tell me when you want to do it again.”
“I’ll do that. Be on your guard.”
I shivered. His words reminded me of the parting warning the officer had given me.
“You okay?” Jerry asked.
“Yeah. I just need to head to bed now. Been a long day.”
He nodded. “Okay. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.”
“And if they do, hit them down with your shoe,” I finished, giggling, and then ran out into the night.
Chapter 6
I walked up the cabin steps that still seemed giant to my legs even after all this time. Sally was inside, getting ready for bed. She wore a pair of sweat pants and had a green mask on her face.
“How’s your cheek doing?” I asked.
“My cheek? Never mind that. How are you doing?” She shook her head. “I’ll never understand how someone so small as you can get into so much trouble.”
“I wasn’t looking for trouble. I was worried Bernie might need help.”
“Well, he needed help alright. Help opening the pearly gates, I reckon.” Sally grabbed a swathe of cotton and wiped to clear the mask off her face.
I gratefully took off my costume and pulled on my flannel pajamas. They smelled of cinnamon from a piece of cinnamon toast I’d eaten that morning.
I heaved myself on the bunk and began turning down the sheets. The cabin grew quite cold at night, and I was thankful for the massive, wool blanket Sally had dug out from somewhere. I burrowed under the pile and waited for my body heat to warm everything up.
There was a knock on the door. Sally inspected her face for any stray mask and then opened the door.
“Hi, Mom.”
You could have heard a pin drop. Sally’s jaw fell open slackly. Tremors moved through her hand on the door and eventually overtook her entire body. She staggered back. I wasn’t sure if she was going to faint from fear, joy, or anger.
“Kenny!” she finally shrieked. “How on earth did you find me?”
Well, I thought that was an odd thing for a mother to say to her son, like she’d been hiding from him or something. But honestly, I could understand that. I wanted to hide from the man at the door myself.
His skin was pale like a ghost and his body skeletal thin. His bony arms and legs appeared to jut out at odd angles.
At the same time, he looked strong, like someone who grabbed frogs to choke them. I was pretty sure if he grabbed hold of you, you weren’t getting away. I shivered and scooted down farther in my bed.
His eyes met mine, the pupils huge and his lids red-rimmed. His lip curled up on one side in a smile. I definitely did not like him smiling at me like that, like I was a worm and he was the early bird thinking about breakfast.
“Kenny?” Sally asked again. I saw she’d grabbed onto the edge of the table for support.
“Aren’t you happy to see me, Mom?”
“When did you get out? I knew it was going to be soon,” she asked.
“How’d you know I was getting out soon?”
She swallowed hard, and I saw her knuckles tighten on the edge of the table. “Stephenson told me.”
“Ahh, my parole officer. Just giving you a heads up, I guess. Hmm?” He turned his head to check out our cabin. The light caught his white scalp showing through its crewcut. “I’m sad you didn’t come welcome me home. If you didn’t want to pick me up, at least you could have arranged for a ride.” He glanced around. “Nice place you have here.”
“Well, you can’t stay the night, Kenny. I’m sorry,” Sally said, her voice wavering slightly.
Kenny’s eyes bounced toward me again. “She doesn’t look like she takes up much room.”
A tremor went through my body, and I crossed my arms over my chest to control it. His smile flickered one more time as his tongue wet his bottom lip.
“Kenny, no.” Sally put her hands out against his chest. She gave him a gentle push. “The Ringmaster won’t like it.” This time her voice was stronger.
“Won’t like it, huh? What’s he going to do? Put me in the ring? Give me a horn to honk and a red rubber nose?” He laughed.
“This is my livelihood, Kenny. I can’t afford to get into trouble with the Ringmaster.” Sally said. The firm tone had disappeared, and she sounded like she was wheedling.
I wanted to get help, get Vincent or Jerry. Find someone who could back us up and make Sally feel stronger. But that meant passing by Kenny. There was no way I could stand to touch him.
The air seemed to grow chillier as Sally and her son continued a
silent stand-off.
Finally, Sally grabbed her purse and fumbled inside. “Have you had anything to eat? I don’t have much, but I might have a twenty.” She found the bill and held it out to him.
He scoffed at the sight. “That’s the best you can do for your son? Your only child?”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting you to—”
“To what, mom.” His voice twisted the last word, making it sound like a curse word. “To come see you? Isn’t that a normal thing for a kid to do?”
It was Sally’s turn to scoff. “You haven’t been a normal kid in a long while.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing. Just that you’re exactly like your dad.”
He winced, and I could tell those words hurt. It made me wonder about this dad of his. He reached out and snatched the money from Sally’s hand.
“Thanks for that,” he said. “I’ll be back soon.”
“Well, Kenny. There’s not a lot more I can do for you.”
She was speaking to dead air. He had already left, leaving the door open behind him.
Sally reached out to shut the door. Carefully, she locked it and tried it twice. Her shoulders slumped forward as a sigh eased out. Slowly, she turned around to my direction. Her lips moved into a faint smile.
“So, that’s my boy,” she said.
I wasn’t sure if I should say that I was sorry or not. I really felt terrible. I decided to play it safe and keep my mouth shut.
She sank to her bed and dropped her face into her hands. “Lord. Lord, what am I going to do?”
I scurried to the edge of the bunk bed and dropped to the floor. I wanted to help, I just wasn’t sure how. I stood next to her for a moment, before resting my hand on her shoulder. She just looked so broken.
Snuffling, she reached up and grabbed my hand. “I’m okay. At least I’ll be okay.”
She patted the spot on the bed next to her so I sat. She wiped her nose with the back of her arm. “He really is just like his dad. He was in the state penitentiary recently himself. I’m surprised they didn’t end up bunking in the same cell.”
“Where’s Kenny’s dad now?”
“Dead.”
The word was said so simply, but still felt like a shot from a gun.
“I’m so sorry,” I said.
“Don’t be. He wasn’t a good man. Had anger problems and left me with more than one black eye. Left me with a baby too, just on the outskirts of Jacksonville, Alabama.”
“What did you do?”
“What did I do? I did what I had to in order to survive. I was in debt, had no family. Had bills to pay. I did what I had to do.” She sniffed again, and then stared at me, her blue eyes searching for judgment.
I had none to give. I knew how hard it was to survive, and I couldn’t imagine having to do that with a baby. “You didn’t have any family?”
“Girl, I had none. That’s why I can relate to you so much.”
I hadn’t told her too much about my own family, but she knew. I’d join the circus sometime after my seventeenth birthday. I’d been on my own for a while by that time myself. After Grandma had died, I’d truly had no one.
“Then he came and got him. Just took Kenny from me when my boy was only five. And I really hadn’t seen much of my son since. Kenny’s been in jail for years now.”
She got up and opened the moisturizer. She swiped it on her face like she was angry with herself. “Anyway, this isn’t good news, not with Kenny showing up so soon after Bernie died. I just hope he wasn’t in the mix of it.”
“Mix of it? How?”
“He always loved swords. And he hated Bernie.”
Chapter 7
It was a restless night sleep for the two of us. I heard Sally yell out once, from a nightmare or what, I wasn’t sure. The sound spooked me, and I pulled my covers over my head, hiding in the stifling warm air.
I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe. My grandma came to my mind, her thin lips moving as she muttered a prayer, her fingers clutching a rosary. I did my best to imitate her words, before finally falling asleep.
Sally was already gone from the cabin by the time I woke up. I quickly got dressed and ran the brush through my hair. Then I headed for the chow tent.
I was disappointed to see that people were leaving. It meant I was probably too late to get breakfast. I must have slept in. My stomach growled to remind me that I hadn’t had much to eat the night before, and I whimpered because I still could smell the fragrance of bacon and pancakes drifting from the chow tent.
Still, with what happened to Bernie, I was on extra alert. It was because of that that I saw a dark shadow skirt the edge of the canvas.
It was a big dog. I wasn’t sure the breed. Maybe a mixed. His black ears proved that the animal definitely appeared to be part German Shepherd.
I was terrified of dogs, to be honest. I’d had a bad experience when I was about three. Our family dog bit my arm when I tried to pet it. My mom had yelled at me and told me I’d deserved it for pestering the dog. I remember her poking her cigarette in my direction and yelling, “Serves you right!” in an exhale of plumed smoke.
My size always made me feel especially vulnerable to dogs because my face was so low to the ground. I never knew what to do if a dog were to lunge at me.
But this one broke my heart. The dog was skinny. I couldn’t help but follow it to see where it went. I wondered where it came from. The Ringmaster had a strict policy about allowing no dogs on the premises, other than those that belonged to the circus.
The dog ran over to the recycle bin and jumped at the sides. But the container was metal and much too big for the dog to get into. The animal curled up next to the container with a whimper. It must have heard me standing there, because it stared at me with scared, brown eyes.
I panicked, ready to run.
The dog didn’t move. Instead, he lay his muzzle down on his paws. He was obviously hungry. What do I do?
I gave him one more look before running into the chow tent. What I feared was true. It was closed.
I hoped there was a chance that I could coax one of the cooks into giving me a sandwich. They were usually pretty strict about that.
Honestly, the cooks were intimidating, and I only knew about their rules from watching other workers take a stab at getting snacks. I would never dare to ask for myself. This dog though…I was going to try.
After all, what reason did I have to be intimidated? I had to learn to stand up for myself. At least a little.
I wiped my hands down my pants and stood a little straighter, then I marched to the kitchen area of the tent where clanking sounds of pots and pans rang out.
“Did you see that sword?” I heard Slim, the head cook, say. “I know that sword.”
A woman answered, “It’s that cursed Christmas sword. Spooky."
I found Slim in the back behind a long counter, chopping carrots. He didn’t even look up, instead yelled, “Get out.”
Snap! Went the knife against the cutting board.
“Uh,” I started, the words fumbling in my throat like a falling pyramid of plastic cups.
“Out, I said.”
His co-worker bobbed her head in agreement.
“I missed breakfast. Can I just have a sandwich?” No one would ever know the courage it took me to press forward. I was proud of myself.
He glanced up then, frowning as his eyes lowered to find me. “A sandwich?”
“Something small. I’m starving.” I shrugged.
He rolled his eyes and walked to the cooler. Upon him opening it, I could see there was a stack of sandwiches already wrapped in cellophane. He pulled one out and tossed it to me.
I was so caught off guard, I nearly dropped it, fumbling it in my hands like a football.
“Thank you!” I yelled and ran back outside as his knife smacked down again on some more carrots.
I wasn’t sure if the dog would still be behind the tents. When I saw him, a strange
mixture of relief and fear flooded through my chest.
“Hey, buddy,” I said.
The dog lifted his head off his paws and stared at me. I shivered. It’s okay. If the dog attacks me, I can scream, and someone will come running. My self-talk didn’t help my confidence much, and I involuntarily stepped back when the dog rose to his feet.
Quickly, I unwrapped the sandwich. I glanced around for anyone watching. I had no idea what would happen if I was caught feeding this animal.
“You hungry, buddy?”
The dog’s eyes flicked from mine to the food in my hand. I held it out, trembling.
The dog barked, making me squeal. Just give it to him, already! I tossed it in his direction. As he lunged for it, I sprinted away.
You did it! You did it! I smiled as I ran, even though I knew that by leaving, I was being a big chicken. Still, this was the most interaction I’d had with a big dog since I’d been bitten as a child.
As I hurried down the path, I saw a brilliant sparkle out of the corner of my eye. I paused and took a few steps back to find it again. What was that?
It was bright red and glittered in the sunlight. I bent to pick it up, marveling at it.
It was a jewel, about the size of an apricot, with one side flat where it had been placed in its setting. I tossed it in the air to test the weight. It felt good in my hand. I couldn’t wait to show Jerry.
I spun around for the dog kennels when I ran straight into a solid body. It was Mark, the coach and choreographer to the dancers and performers.
He caught me in his arms. “Whoa, there, lass. Where are you off to in such a hurry?”
“Oh! I’m sorry!” I stepped back. He was incredibly attractive, but with a reputation for a biting tongue when he disapproved of something. I never wanted to be on the receiving end of his sarcastic lash.
“What do you have there?” He glanced at my hand.
I realized I was still clutching the jewel. I didn’t want to show him and squeezed it tighter.
“Come on, now. Let’s see it.” His voice held the irritated tone of an adult dealing with a petulant child.
I gave in and held it out. He plucked it from my hand before I knew what was happening.