“I can’t seem to find Rissa,” he cast about uneasily as he confessed his worry to her, relieved to find that they had the place to themselves. “I’ve been looking for her ever since we got back, but it almost feels as if she’s hiding from me.”
Although he’d said the words, Endreí simply couldn’t believe that was truly the case. Glancing around at the few vacant beds in the otherwise empty room after voicing his concern, he looked away from Steph, his gaze finally settling on the neatly organized shelves lined with bandages and fully stocked with the potions and crystals he’d crafted. Even though Stephanie was the village’s main source of healing, she simply couldn’t be everywhere at once, so not only was the infirmary well-supplied with the restorative magics, but most of the villagers also carried at least a few of them at all times. Thiers was a dangerous world, yet not all of its hazards resided beyond the settlement’s high walls. Without the benefits of technology, there were no longer any cushy desk jobs or machines to do the dirty work for them. Nearly every task involved heavy physical labor, the kind that often came with the risk of serious injury. Even minor cuts and scrapes required immediate attention lest they become infected, a truly dangerous circumstance without medicine or antibiotics to treat them. The healing magic they had available did wonders to cure wounds but was much less effective against such maladies—a painful reality they’d been forced to deal with on more than one occasion.
“Sorry, I haven’t seen her all day,” Steph replied with genuine empathy, obviously picking up on Endreí’s distress.
She’d become quite good at sensing others’ emotions, likely a necessary side effect of tending to so many people over the years. Her status as their healer would have been more than enough to secure a position of respect and admiration in their small community, but Endreí knew that it was her true sense of compassion that had made Stephanie one of their most loved and admired citizens.
“Thanks, I guess I’ll just have to keep searching,” Endreí responded with a weak smile before hurrying through the rough wooden door to resume his hunt.
It was already late when he left the infirmary, and the day ended without Endreí managing to track her down. Walking past the small herb garden outside their home that Rissa helped him tend, Endreí stepped inside, thoroughly frustrated and confused. Although she hadn’t been anywhere within the home any of the other times he’d checked, when Endreí entered their bedroom, he finally caught up with her—already lying down for sleep in the bed they’d shared for several years. Relieved, he closed his eyes and smiled, taking in the faint lavender scent of her hair. He realized that Rissa must have been exhausted from whatever errands she’d been running all day because she never stirred or even turned to face him when he entered their bedroom. Not wanting to disturb his wife’s sleep, Endreí got ready for bed as quietly as he could in the confines of the small room before slipping in beside her and gently wrapping his arm around her waist.
“Keep your hands off of me, you worthless piece of shit,” Rissa seethed as she shoved his arm aside. “Don’t fucking touch me while you still reek of that whore.”
She hadn’t even turned around to face him, yet Endreí still recoiled in shock from the sheer venom laced within the words Rissa spewed at him—the sudden realization of what she must have thought was going on between him and Kara struck him with a tremendous, near-physical force. Rissa had told him a great deal about her people, including how incredibly jealous and possessive the women were of their mates. Unlike the more equal gender roles of the surface elves, twilight elves retained a great deal of the matriarchal influence of their distant drow ancestry, including bonding for life and an almost eager willingness to kill to protect their relationships.
They’d seldom argued over the years, Rissa’s reluctance to do so stemming from the profoundly imbalanced nature of their relationship. Although she’d bound herself to him, he wasn’t tied to her in the same way, and despite his constant reassurance, Endreí knew that she was frequently hesitant to assert herself. That certainly wasn’t the case now, and he couldn’t even guess at the turmoil of emotions that must have been raging inside her, wondering just how long she’d been harboring her bitter feelings.
“Rissa, it’s not what you—”
“Don’t you fucking dare!” She shoved him away forcefully, sitting upright as she pulled the covers around herself. Even in the dim light, Endreí could see that her beautiful skin had flushed dark with outrage, a distinct trait of her people he’d learned to recognize over the years. The stark contrast only served to magnify her anger, and Endreí could almost feel the fire that was burning brightly in the depths of her silver eyes.
“You come home from your little trysts stinking of that… bitch, and I’ve seen the way the two of you look at each other when you think no one’s watching. I tried, Endreí, I really tried, but I can’t pretend anymore. I thought it was just a phase you were going through, but it’s been years now, and you still can’t be true to me. You know I can’t leave you, but you could at least have the decency to not put your filthy hands on me the same day you fuck her.”
Although she’d begun full of rage and anger, Rissa finished in almost a pleading tone, practically begging for at least some concession on his part. Rissa’s eyes also betrayed those same warring emotions, and Endreí saw within them not only her barely restrained desire to lash out at him in anger, but also the profound depths of the pain she so obviously felt. As her mood shifted, Rissa’s torment ripped through Endreí’s heart like nothing else ever had—not the end of their old world or even his parents’ deaths. He’d betrayed her, perhaps not in the manner that Rissa believed, but he’d certainly not been honest with her, and that may have been even worse in some ways. Endreí should have known she would see through everything; Jen had always been quite observant, and the heightened senses Rissa possessed allowed her to perceive things that she never would have before. After spending the night beside Kara, the lingering traces of her scent on his body probably screamed of infidelity to Rissa. Maybe it was too late, but with no other option, Endreí did what he should have done years ago; he told her the truth—every last shred of it.
Even though it was difficult for him to confess everything to her, Endreí started at the beginning with Trish and left nothing out. He told Rissa how the unknown force that had compelled Trish to pursue him so aggressively had somehow transferred to Kara after her sister’s death. Endreí’s voice halted and broke as he explained the closeness he and Kara had begun to feel after that; how they’d drawn comfort from each other and also how what they shared only strengthened his love for Rissa, just as it had grown Kara’s love for Nate. Endreí also detailed his many attempts not only to uncover the source of the strange attachment between them but eliminate it as well—all of which had ended in failure.
“I’m sure you can understand why I never told you any of this before,” Endreí added once he finished the long tale. “I only did that to protect you, but that was obviously a mistake. I tried to bear the burden of this for both of us, but it seems I only made things even worse. I’m sorry, Rissa… For all of it.”
He waited for her to reply, but the silence between them only stretched on, growing more and more uncomfortable with each passing moment. The confines of the small room seemed to close in on him, and Endreí only grew more nervous as Rissa stared blankly at the window above their heads. As she absently picked at the fabric of the blankets beneath her, he found himself hoping for any response at all, even another angry outburst, anything that would shatter the utter void hanging over them. Finally, Rissa glanced back at him and met his gaze, but when she did, the heat was gone from her eyes, replaced with a stark coldness that chilled him to the bone.
“I thought you were only sleeping with her,” Rissa’s icy words froze the air around them. “But it’s even worse than that—you’re actually in love with her.”
That was an allegation Endreí simply couldn’t bring himself to deny, and he found himsel
f turning away when he could no longer bear to return Rissa’s gaze. Despite how different his feelings for Kara were, there was no avoiding the fact that their relationship was far more than mere friendship. He did love her, and although those feelings had never strayed into anything romantic, Endreí recognized that they were still profoundly powerful.
“You may not have slept with her, but you’re lying to yourself if you think you haven’t been unfaithful,” Rissa continued, her voice growing oddly detached from her emotions while the dark tones slowly leached out of her skin. Closing her eyes, she slumped against the wall at her back. “In every way that’s important, you’ve betrayed me.”
The utter truth of what she’d so calmly stated laid bare all the lies Endreí had told himself over the years. He’d been turning to Kara for the emotional support he needed—relying on her even. In doing so, Endreí had stolen those moments from Rissa; robbed her of the opportunity to become even closer to him. That was probably only the barest hint of what he’d done and just one of the many ways he’d failed her. Despite how Kara had helped nurture his feelings for Rissa, she’d also become his crutch, replacing Rissa as the person he’d so often turned to for comfort when times were tough. Rissa had just exposed the full depths of that subtle infidelity to him, and Endreí understood it for what it was: his complete failure as her husband. He may not have betrayed her in any physical sense, but his heart had certainly strayed very far indeed.
“I never even considered…” his voice trailed off when he couldn’t bring himself to finish the thought.
“No, you probably didn’t,” a thin smile actually crossed Rissa’s lips as she spoke. “You’re an idiot, Endreí, you truly are, but you’re also clearly suffering under the same form of compulsion that Kara is.”
For the second time in a matter of moments, Endreí found himself reeling at the truth of her words. He’d always thought it had only been Kara who’d been under the influence of the strange magic; that he’d simply been drawn to Kara as a consequence of whatever force had taken hold of her. Yet hearing Rissa’s words and realizing the fullness of his failures, he couldn’t help but accept that he’d also been caught in that same web.
“I can’t end it,” Endreí felt his shoulders sagging as he numbly whispered back once the shock began to wear off. “We tried, we really tried, but staying away from each other only made our feelings more intense. I did everything I could to dispel the magic that’s affecting her… us.”
He had to pause for a moment as that thought washed over him once again.
“I was never able to eliminate it, Rissa,” he finished. “I couldn’t even manage to locate its source.”
“Do you still love me, Endreí?”
The plaintive tone of Rissa’s voice when she spoke and the fact that she even felt the need to ask him that question was perhaps the worst part of all. Despite his careless stupidity, he’d never meant to hurt Rissa or cause her any doubt, yet he’d still managed to do both.
“Yes,” he replied, pouring as much conviction as he could into those few words, hoping she’d believe him. “With all my heart.”
Just saying those words brought everything crashing down on him, and Endreí understood what he had to do. Whatever it took, he had to break free of the compulsion that had taken hold of him, to free not only himself and Kara from its grasp, but Rissa as well. She’d suffered for years believing that he’d been sleeping with Kara behind her back, and even though that hadn’t been the case, she’d still been correct in perceiving his actions as the infidelity they truly were.
“Not with all your heart, Endreí,” she answered him far too accurately, yet without any bitterness or malice. Although he could still see the hurt clearly in her eyes, as she’d come to understand the forces at play, her anger had gradually been replaced with understanding and perhaps even a little bit of compassion for his plight.
“This has to end,” she declared after a brief moment. “You know how possessive I am. If we were living among my people, I would’ve slit her throat years ago, but if what you’re telling me is true, that would have only ended with you becoming involved with someone else.”
Rissa stood up, pacing the short distance to the other side of the room before turning back towards him again. When she did, a look of resolve replaced the hurt and anger that had been there before.
“I can’t leave you, Endreí. I’m under my own sort of compulsion in that respect, but even if I could, that’s not what I want,” her words were clearly a declaration of what was going to happen, not some mere aspiration. “We’ve been through a lot, you and I, and we’ll get through this too. Just promise me that no matter what, no matter how long it takes or how difficult it may be, you’ll do whatever it takes to be mine again.”
Endreí understood that what she was really asking him was to be hers completely again—to divorce himself from his dependence on Kara. He knew that wouldn’t be easy, and part of him was reluctant to give up the powerful connection he shared with Kara. The bond he had with her had provided him with a great deal of comfort over the years; comfort he’d come to not only rely on but need on an almost visceral level. Confronted with Rissa’s ultimatum—and Endreí had no doubt that her ‘request’ was just that—his first instinct was to resist, to cling to Kara despite the pain it might cause his wife. After all, Rissa couldn’t leave him, the link she’d forged with him was just as compelling as the unknown magic that had brought him and Kara together. Ultimately, he really had nothing to lose. Rissa might be hurt in the process, but if Endreí refused, there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. He could have her and Kara, although Rissa certainly wouldn’t be happy about the situation. All Endreí would have to do was say no.
Yet despite those impulses, that wasn’t the sort of person Endreí was. His stomach churned at the mere thought of being so callous towards her—he simply couldn’t hurt Rissa, not intentionally at least. The pain he’d caused her unknowingly had been more than enough; Endreí would never forgive himself if he chose to purposely continue down that path. It took only a fraction of a second for Endreí to banish the selfish and uncaring thoughts from his mind, and when he replied to Rissa, there was a sense of determination in his voice that even took him a bit by surprise.
“I know that I’ve disappointed you… failed you even,” Endreí didn’t hesitate to look in her eyes as he rose to stand beside her. “But I’ve never been anything other than yours, Rissa.”
“This isn’t going to be easy,” Endreí couldn’t stop the deep sigh from escaping him as he considered the difficult road ahead. “I can limit the time I spend with her, but we can’t simply give each other up. We tried that once, and it was… dangerous. That was the only time things ever came close to becoming something more between us—I won’t take that chance ever again.”
“But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to do everything I can to end this,” he poured every ounce of his conviction into his words, hoping to convince not only Rissa but himself as well. “I may not have realized how much I’ve been hurting you, but now that I know, I can’t let things go on this way. I care about Kara and even love her in a way, but most of what I feel for her is based on an illusion. Once that magic is gone, those feelings will fade away as well.”
“I love you, Rissa, and that love is real,” Endreí finished, taking her hands in his as he spoke. “Nothing will ever change that.”
“Thank you,” Rissa’s voice wavered as she replied, betraying the uncertainty she so clearly felt, yet her gaze never left his eyes. “I’ve wanted to say something for so long, but I was afraid you’d choose her over me. I should have known better, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it—I was too afraid of losing you.”
“I’ve been a fool, and maybe I’ll be a fool again,” Endreí tried to reassure her as he cautiously wrapped his arms around Rissa, drawing her close when she didn’t resist him this time. “But you’re never going to lose me.”
Her doubt and anger seemed
to melt away as she returned his gesture of affection, and once they laid back down together, Endreí held Rissa tightly, rocking her gently until she finally fell asleep beside him. Yet despite all he’d said, Endreí couldn’t help but feel overcome with apprehension at the difficult task ahead of him. Breaking free from Kara—or at least the magic that had bound the two of them together—would be no easy thing, and he wondered if it was even possible. They’d tried, they really had, but all their efforts had failed. The one time they’d attempted to stay apart had been worst of all, ending with them nearly becoming lovers during their… intense reunion. With his new understanding, recalling that near debacle stirred uncomfortable emotions within him, and Endreí was forced to quickly banish those thoughts from his mind.
Only his devotion to Rissa and Kara’s love for Nate had prevented that from happening, but it had been a close thing even so. Endreí knew well enough not to repeat that same error; whatever path they took to end their connection would have to provide him and Kara the time they needed with each other during that process. There simply could be no sharp break; the forces that bound them together would not allow that, or at least there would be consequences should they attempt such a blatant rejection of its power over them.
Still, even accounting for all the difficulties, Endreí saw a ray of hope. All his prior efforts at uncovering whatever it was that had drawn Trish and then Kara to him had been focused exclusively on Kara. In his mistaken belief that the force was acting only on her, he’d completely overlooked examining himself for any trace of its cause. But Rissa had dispelled that false belief, and Endreí now had something new to focus his attention on. With that insight and a little bit of luck, perhaps he might finally succeed where there had only been failure before. As he lay beside Rissa and took in the floral scent of her hair, considering that possibility finally brought enough peace to Endreí’s mind to allow him to drift off to sleep, although it was a troubled sleep, plagued with dreams of his failure and the consequences that might follow.
Echoes: A Second Skin Novel (Second Skin Book 6) Page 2