by Lea Coll
“Do you think if you told your side of the story it would go away?”
I laughed bitterly. “No, I don’t think that. People at school talked about Annabelle after that. She went from being popular to having the word slut written on her locker. Everything just got worse. I saw how it was for her and I vowed never to speak to anyone about it. It wouldn’t do anyone any good.”
His jaw tightened when I spoke of Annabelle and what she went through after the assault. He waited a beat and I could see him relax his jaw before he said, “Do you still think that looking back?”
I searched his eyes—not seeing any of the pity or blame that I feared. Instead, his eyes filled with care and love. He squeezed my leg as if to reassure me. “I want to say the best thing that could have happened was that he was behind bars and couldn’t attack another girl, but we both know that’s not true. He pled to the lesser charge of second-degree assault, so he didn’t have to register as a sex offender. He served a short sentence.”
The guilt I’d tamped down since the assault and Annabelle’s death poured through me and my head and limbs felt so heavy. I wanted to lie down and sleep until the questions stopped.
Tanner shifted, he removed his hand from my knee, his whole body suddenly looking as if it was on alert. “You saw something, didn’t you?”
I wanted to reach for him, to hold his hand, to have his arms around me, but he was a cop and seemed to be in work mode. He didn’t feel close to me. I looked away from him into the fire. My lips pulled in a tight line. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Panic settled like a block in my stomach. I brushed a shaky hand through my hair, wanting to cover my face with it. Images flooded my brain, Dennis above me as I tried to wake up from the fog, his hand down there.
I dropped my head into my hands as the memories came hard and fast—his alcohol-filled breath on my face as he said, “You’re so fucking hot. I knew you would be.”
Shame filled me and I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I wanted to tell Tanner, but I wasn’t sure I could say the words out loud. Saying them somehow made it real.
“You don’t have to talk to me, but maybe you should talk to someone.” His voice was achingly gentle.
“It’s okay. You deserve the truth.” I finally croaked out and looked away as tears formed.
“Okay.” He’d sat on the edge of the sectional, elbows braced on his wide-spread legs, eyes on me. His tone said I don’t believe you’re fine, but it was comforting. The fact that he’d suggested I talk to a counselor meant he believed me. That I wasn’t just covering up for Dennis.
Tanner stood and gave me time to gather my thoughts. He placed another log on the fire, causing the flames to crackle and spark like the fireworks going off in my stomach, making me jumpy and sick all at the same time.
The horror and shame of that night hung between us.
After a few seconds of silence, Tanner turned from where he stood watching the fire to face me and sighed heavily, his eyes filled with concern for me.
Everything about his demeanor—his words, his actions—I wanted to believe him when he said he’d be there for me. “I want to tell you, but I’m scared. I’m scared you’ll leave me. I’m scared you’ll never look at me the same way again.”
Tanner crouched down in front of me and took my hands in his. “I want to be here for you. I’m a safe place. I’m your boyfriend right now, not a cop. I’m here for you. Do you understand that?”
“Boyfriend?” I tilted my head—a twinge of happiness in my chest. The fact that he’d mentioned that label when I hadn’t told him the whole story—meant everything.
His lips tilted up in a smile and he kissed me lightly on the lips before he returned to the couch and placed his hand on my back. The warmth of his hand through my shirt comforted and stabilized me. His declaration that he was my boyfriend solidified that feeling that I was doing the right thing. “I know this is hard for you, but you can trust me.”
Did I think he’d talk to the paper or the other officers? Not really. I worried he’d walk away from me. But isn’t that what I thought he’d do eventually, anyway? What did it matter if it happened sooner than I anticipated? It would happen.
I took a shaky breath. “I’ll try but I’m not sure I can.”
He nodded encouragingly.
“I threw a party that night, knowing my mom kept liquor in the house, wanting the popular kids to like me. I wasn’t well-liked in school, but I thought this would help.” I shook my head. I was so stupid. “My mom was out of town that weekend. Dennis was cool. He didn’t care if I had a party. He’d gone out to the bars that night. We drank, most of the kids passed out in the living room, but Annabelle and I fell asleep in my room. I was on the bed and she was on a sleeping bag on the floor.”
Tanner was a strong silent force next to me—my rock.
I took a shaky breath. “I woke up to Dennis on top of me—telling me how hot I was, how he’d imagined it for a while. His breath reeked of alcohol but I was drunk—things seemed surreal, I felt slow. It took me a second to figure out what was going on, but when I realized where his hand was—”
Tanner put his arm around me, his chest brushing my shoulder. “Jesus, Sadie, I’m so sorry.”
I waved him off. “He didn’t do anything to me—not really. I kneed him. He called me a bitch. I told him I’d call my mother and he must have believed me because he went to his room. I hoped he wouldn’t come back. Annabelle was still asleep on my floor. I tried to stay awake—I was scared he’d come back, but I must have fallen back to sleep.
“When I woke up, he was on top of Annabelle, his hand over her mouth, and I’ll never forget the look in her eyes—she was so scared. I was able to push him off of her and he ran out of the room. I followed him to make sure he’d left the house. I watched his truck pull out of the driveway before I went to see how Annabelle was. I told her we had to call the police, but she begged me not to. She’d lied to her mom about being at my house. We’d been drinking. I didn’t know what to do. I was young and scared.”
“You were a kid.” Tanner’s lips drew into a straight line and a muscle ticked along his jaw.
My eyes shot to his. No one had ever reached out to me—to offer support. I blamed myself for everything that happened that night. The assault was Dennis’s fault, but I could have done more to get him convicted of a higher charge—he would have served a longer sentence and maybe Anabelle wouldn’t have overdosed when he was released.
“I told my mom. I expected her to be angry when she heard what he’d done. I thought she’d kick him out, but she didn’t. She thought I was making it up. When Annabelle talked a few days later, Mom told me not to say anything. She said they’d take me away and put me in foster care.”
“Did your mom understand that your testimony would have helped Annabelle?”
“I’ve learned anything my mom has said or done over the years was to protect herself. She didn’t want me taken from her, but she also didn’t want to be charged with anything. I was drunk, so we were shaky witnesses at best, but yes, I felt guilty for not talking. But then I saw how the kids at school treated Annabelle. I didn’t want to put myself through that. It seemed easier to stay quiet. My mother didn’t believe me, so why would anyone else? Even one of the officers accused me of covering up for Dennis.”
His body tensed and his voice was deceptively calm. “You told your mother that he assaulted you too?”
“I told her everything, and she said I was jealous that Dennis loved her, but I wasn’t. I saw him as a father figure. I didn’t like him like that. I wish I’d never had that party.”
The moment I’d told her what happened, and she didn’t believe me—it was like my whole world stopped. Up until that moment, I’d made excuses for her behavior. She had things tougher than other moms because my dad was never around, but after that … I couldn’t wait to leave after high school. I pushed the memory of that night so far down I hoped I’d never have to
think about it again.
“You make mistakes when you’re a kid. It’s up to your parents to protect you—not themselves.”
I never viewed my mother as protecting me. I’d always been the one to care for her.
“The longer I remained quiet, the harder it was to even think about speaking up. No one would believe me. Why had I waited so long? What did I have to gain by bringing it up now?”
“I’m glad you trusted me.” His arms tightened around me and I rested my head on his shoulder.
It felt good to talk about it—to have Tanner’s support. “I trust you not to talk to anyone about this but I’m worried—”
“That I’ll think differently about you?”
“Yeah.” I held my breath, not able to look at him, while I waited for his answer. This moment would change everything between us.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. You were in an impossible situation. You were a kid. You offered to call the police. Annabelle and your mother told you not to. I don’t know if I would have done anything differently in your situation.”
“Really?” Had I been too hard on myself, judging my actions as if I was an adult when I was a minor? I trusted Dennis. I trusted my mother. It was misplaced trust, but any child would have done the same. When the heavy weight of shame and guilt lifted off my chest, I felt nothing but love for this man.
“Yeah, who knows what goes through a teen’s head—one that’s never had anyone on her side. The one man you thought you could trust violated that trust in the worst way imaginable. I could see how you’d be scared to talk about that. He violated you that night too.”
“I mean, he didn’t do anything—” I’d only allowed myself to think of Annabelle as the victim. I didn’t want to think about what happened to me that night. It was easier to ignore it—especially after my mom didn’t believe me.
“He did. He touched you. You’re an attorney, you know what he did was third-degree sexual assault.”
“Logically, I know that, but I felt like what happened to Annabelle was worse and I failed to protect her. I chose to protect myself and my family over her.”
“She asked you not to talk. That’s a form of protecting her. Would you want someone talking about something like that before you were ready?” His tone was calm, a practiced one he probably used with victims at accident scenes.
The thought of my secret coming out made me sick to my stomach. “No, I’d hate that.”
“Exactly.”
Tanner
Sadie looked up at me and nodded, her eyes swimming with shame and tears.
“Baby.” Then I pulled her into my lap, her head resting on my shoulder as she relaxed into me. I smoothed her hair back from her face, placing a light kiss on her forehead. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” My voice was steady. She’d blamed herself for everything and people in this community did nothing to dissuade her of that opinion.
“I can’t believe that.” Her voice was so quiet I almost couldn’t hear her.
“I’ll tell you every day until you understand.”
Then the tears slipped down her cheeks and a sob rang out. I tightened my arms around her as she shook. Had she never cried about what happened that night? Hadn’t she mourned the loss of her innocence, her trust in another adult, her childhood? Knowing Sadie, the only feelings she’d felt were guilt and shame. I’d change the past for her if I could, but right now, all I could do was hold her, comfort her, and help her heal. She desperately needed to heal and move on from this.
I held her until her crying lessened and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” I’d say it until she believed it.
“I scheduled that damn party. I supplied the alcohol.”
“No, your mother and Dennis supplied the alcohol, and your mother left you alone with Dennis. You were a kid.”
“I was seventeen.”
“A seventeen-year-old who believed Dennis would never hurt you. You believed he cared about you. That he’d never touch you or your friends inappropriately.”
“You think he’d planned this all along? He got involved with my mom because I was a young girl?”
That was possible but she didn’t need to know that. “Maybe. Or more likely, he came home, he saw an opportunity, and took advantage of you.”
“We were all passed out drunk. We were easy targets.”
“That’s why adults are there to protect you. You trusted someone who didn’t deserve your trust.”
“I feel so guilty.”
My heart broke for her—the impossible decisions she’d faced as a child. “I know you do.”
“I don’t know if I can ever get past it.” She lifted her head so I could look into her eyes. “I don’t know if I can live here—not when the truth comes out.”
“You don’t have to talk.” I saw what it cost her to tell me.
“I thought you’d want me to.” Her forehead wrinkled, her face was swollen and red with tears.
“No, baby, I want to protect you. I get why you never talked. Why the hell would you come forward? I’ve heard what people said behind your back and it’s been ten years. I can’t imagine what it was like when it happened. Everyone having an opinion. Your mom told you you’d be taken away from the only parent you knew.”
Her lips tilted slightly up. “Is this my boyfriend talking?”
It felt good to hear her refer to me as her boyfriend. “Always. I want to protect you. I want to support you. I want to be there for you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.” The desire to shield her was so strong, I could barely sit still.
“Me either. Thank you for listening. I didn’t think I could ever speak those horrible words out loud. I thought only Annabelle could understand and she’s gone.”
A new pain crossed her face and I wondered if she blamed herself for Annabelle’s death, but we’d dredged up enough pain and suffering for one night. I wanted her to relax and sleep in my arms. “Can we go to bed? I want to hold you close all night.”
She nodded. I picked her up and cradled her in my arms. I carried her upstairs to my bedroom. I laid her gently down on the bed and climbed in behind her. I pulled her back against my front, kissing her hair, her shoulder, as an overwhelming feeling of love poured out of me. I wanted to tell her, but it wasn’t the time or place. I wouldn’t tell her when the pain of that night was still fresh in her mind.
I wanted her to associate my love with her future—not her past.
Sadie
I woke up wrapped in Tanner’s arms, my eyes still gritty with tears but the feeling of security ran through my body from the tip of my head to my toes. We were both completely dressed—yet I’d never felt closer to him. When footsteps ran down the hallway, I startled. My eyes darted to the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was six-thirty a.m., Rylan was awake, and I was still in Tanner’s bed. I turned and hissed, “Tanner.”
“What?” He blinked, rubbing his eyes.
“Rylan’s awake.” I ducked under the covers to hide.
“Oh, shit.” Then he was up, walking in long strides to the door to pull it open just as Rylan skidded to a stop in front of him.
“Daddy!” She sounded alert and full of energy.
“Hey, sweetheart. Let’s get you dressed for school.” He closed the door softly behind him and I tried to figure out what to do.
Hide in bed until she left, or sneak out somehow?
I covered my eyes with my arm wanting to block out the sun. I wanted to block out everything—reality, what I’d told Tanner last night. I wanted to press rewind and go back to the time before that article was written. But Thanksgiving was tomorrow. I had to make it through one more day of work. Then I could hide out in my apartment with the exception of spending Thanksgiving Day with Tanner’s family.
Hopefully, most people would be busy getting ready for the holiday—too busy to worry about what happened ten years ago.
I got up as quietly as I could, cleaned up in the bathroom,
and when I came out, Tanner stood there with the bedroom door closed. “She’s eating while watching TV so I can sneak you out if you need to leave and get ready for work.”
“I do.”
“Are you ready?”
“My purse is downstairs somewhere.” I couldn’t even remember where I put it. Everything was a blur after I’d walked in and seen his face.
“Okay, I’ll try and find it and bring it to you. Follow me.”
I followed him quietly down the stairs as he paused at the bottom to make sure Rylan’s attention was on the TV. I walked quickly to the front door as Tanner snagged my purse from a stool in the kitchen. We stepped out onto the porch and I tried not to glance around to see if anyone had seen us or was watching.
He cupped my face. “Thank you for last night.”
I tilted my head in question.
“For confiding in me. I wish we had more time this morning. I want to talk to you some more.”
“That’s okay. We can talk later.”
He placed a light kiss on my lips. “I care about you.”
“I care about you too.” I more than cared about him but I wasn’t sure how to describe the feeling I got when he had listened and accepted my story last night.
“Call you later, okay?”
I nodded as his hands dropped from my face and I headed toward my car, hoping Rylan wouldn’t look out the window and notice me leaving. The last thing I wanted to do was confuse her.
I didn’t have court today, so I sat at my desk prepping my cases for the next week, checked that witnesses were subpoenaed, and called my clients to remind them of the trial dates and advise them what to expect at trial.
I placed Monday’s files in my briefcase to take home and stared at my computer screen as worry crept in that Tanner would think differently today once he had time to think about things. That someone would say something to make him think negatively of me. Maybe he’d realize he didn’t want this kind of trouble around Rylan. He already had enough going on with Bree without me adding to it. As panic continued to rise in my stomach and through my chest, my phone dinged.