by Lea Coll
“Of course.” It wasn’t until she was in her car and I watched her drive away that I realized we didn’t kiss goodbye. Lately, it was assumed she’d spend the night with Rylan and me. I didn’t like the combination of panic and uncertainty settling on my chest.
What could Steve have said to her to change her mind about me—about us? Were my cop instincts taking over my good sense? Did I see things when there was nothing?
Sadie
I should have been relieved the TV interview was over, but I was waiting for the potential fallout. I felt guilty for thinking of leaving Tanner and guilty for staying. Damn Steve. Why did he have to confront me with all of my worries and fears? I was trying to be different. To see things in a more positive light like Tanner did. I was trying to use the support of those around me to stand up for what was right instead of hiding—instead of running. But Steve made me want to curl up back in my shell and never come out again.
I saw the confusion on Tanner’s face when I left him standing in the parking lot. But I needed distance from him to make this decision. If I spent time with him, if I continued playing house and family with him, I’d stay. I’d do the selfish thing and stand next to him during the custody hearing. I’d bring him down.
I didn’t think a judge would deny Tanner custody, but he could limit his time to every other weekend or even supervised visitation. The thing was, Tanner wanted more time with Rylan, not less. Tanner would still be scared for Rylan’s safety while she was in Bree’s care, and I’d never forgive myself if that happened. Tanner was an amazing father and he didn’t deserve the scrutiny he’d receive if I stood by him.
I finally had the man I always dreamed of and either decision—staying or leaving—was bad for him. If I stayed, there was a good chance I’d ruin his custody bid, and if I left, I’d be breaking his and Rylan’s hearts. But if the judge said Tanner had made a poor decision in bringing me around Rylan and he punished Tanner with less time with Rylan, wouldn’t he break up with me anyway? Wasn’t I doing the right thing by being preemptive? Somehow, I didn’t think Tanner would see it that way.
He was always so positive—so sure things would turn out right. But most of the time, life was unfair.
I called out of work and spent the rest of the day on my couch, eating every bit of junk food in my apartment. I texted Tanner and told him I couldn’t come over because I had a tension headache and stomachache from the interview, but that was only partially true—the stomachache was from eating junk food. Tanner wanted to come over, but I told him I wanted to be alone to process the interview. The motion hearing was in a few days and I had to make a decision. I couldn’t face Tanner until I did.
Rylan developed a stomach virus the next day. I offered to help but Tanner said he didn’t want me to get sick too. I felt awful that I wasn’t there to help her, and I probably would have insisted but I worried I’d fall back into him—into our life together. I’d never be able to leave.
After my last trial of the day, I spoke briefly with my client and turned to find Luke waiting for me.
“We need to talk.”
“Okay.” I folded my arms over my file and pulled it tight to my chest.
His hand settled on my shoulder and he guided me to a quiet corner of the hall before facing me. “What are you doing?”
I shifted on my heels as an uncomfortable feeling settled over me. “What do you mean?”
“Why are you avoiding Tanner?” His eyes sharpened on me and left no room for denials or excuses.
“He’s scared you’re not going to show up to the hearing.”
There was no way I could lie to Luke, but I hadn’t told anyone I was having doubts about staying with Tanner. “I—I don’t know, honestly. His attorney told me not to come.”
Luke’s voice was carefully measured, his face devoid of emotion. “So, you’re listening to him and not to what Tanner wants?”
“I don’t know what to do. Either decision feels wrong—selfish. I hurt him if I stay or if I leave.” Maybe Luke had the perspective I needed.
“Sometimes the hardest decision is the one where you stand by the person you claim to love.”
“I do love him, but sometimes leaving is the best thing to do for someone. Especially when your presence is toxic and ruins everything around you.”
“You know, I didn’t like you at first. I believed what some of the guys in the department said about you. That you were a liar, a manipulator, and were not to be trusted. But Tanner—” Luke shook his head. “He believed in you from the beginning. From the moment he met you, he trusted you—he saw something in you that others didn’t. Over time he discovered you were better than the rumors, but if you leave him, you’ll prove those people right.”
Since the assault, I thought everyone was against me. That the most vocal in town were right—Raina, Robin Bray, the reporters, and a few bullies at school. I’d never even considered the idea I’d allowed the opinions of a few cloud my vision. But I had people who supported me—Tanner, his parents, my grandparents, Luke, Kristen, and Samantha.
And everything Luke was saying was right, but there were more people involved than just Tanner and me. “How will you feel if the judge determines I’m a bad influence? How will Tanner feel? Even if the judge never says that in court—my history will be in the back of his mind. It could influence him. You know as well as I do, judges aren’t entirely impartial. They are inherently prejudiced by their past experiences and beliefs.”
He sighed. “I think you have to go by what Tanner’s telling you. You have to trust that he’s considered all the possibilities and he wants to take that risk. You have to trust him too. Trust that he’s considered all the angles and found a future with you more important.”
“So, if he loses custody because of me, he won’t grow to resent me?”
“I don’t know. Tanner can’t even promise you that, but you’ll never know if you walk away. I trust that you’ll make the right decision.” With one last weight look, Luke squeezed my shoulder and walked away.
I went home and mulled over what Luke said. Should I talk it over with Tanner one more time? Should I show up tomorrow and stand by his side? I wanted to. I wanted to be there for him regardless of the outcome. It felt like my heart was breaking in two. How could both options feel so wrong? Trust in Tanner and ignore the potential consequences or remove me from his life. That would be the safer choice. I could see it with such clarity now.
Leaving was easier, but was it right? Would it make me happier in the long run or would it ruin any chance of happiness with Tanner? That’s when it hit me—Tanner would never forgive me for leaving. He’d never understand why that was a viable choice. He loved me. He didn’t worry about the outcome because his love for me eclipsed those worries. Could I set those same fears aside as easily? I wanted to. God, I wanted to. I wanted to be everything Tanner deserved.
Sometimes, his faith in me scared me and it made me want to run, but love and life meant staying. Facing fears and coming out on the other side. If I did this, if I stood by his side, it wouldn’t be the first time I ever took a stand on love. My first time was when I moved out of my mother’s house. I’d done it out of love and concern for her. Out of a desire for a better outcome. I was unsure of the conclusion, but I’d done it and I could do this.
I had to have blind trust that Tanner’s love was enough that he knew what was best for him and his daughter. It wasn’t for me to decide. It was his decision and I needed to respect that. If he grew to resent me later, then that was on him. I’d done everything in my power to be the best person I could be.
I woke up the next morning, determined to make things right, determined to be there for Tanner. I rushed getting ready—I pulled on a suit and heels and went to court. When I arrived, Tanner faced away from me. His broad shoulders outlined in his suit as he talked quietly with his attorney. When I approached, he turned and I could see the dark circles under his eyes, the stress in the lines of his face. I touched his ar
m, wanting to connect with him—to assure him I was here for him.
“Can we have a minute?” I asked Steve, whose face morphed from serious to wary in a second.
“Where’ve you been? Why haven’t you called?”
I couldn’t look at the pain and worry etched on Tanner’s face, in the lines of exhaustion around his eyes. I’d done that to him. My indecision and doubt caused him worry, frustration, and doubt. I hated that I’d done that.
“I’m here now. I want to stand by your side if that’s okay?”
“Of course, but I don’t understand—”
Steve leaned in closer and lowered his voice. “I told you not to come. I don’t want the judge to see you with Tanner.”
“This happened after her interview—when I saw you talking to her.” Tanner planted his feet using his impressive size to his advantage over the leaner man.
“I’m your attorney and I want what’s best for you. Even with the new development, this woman can’t be anywhere near you today. She knows that. You know that. Deep down, you know—” he pointed at me, “she will ruin everything. She always does.”
A part of me wanted to ask what new development but the other part couldn’t stop focusing on his words: she will ruin everything. I closed my eyes against the same fears I’d had every day of my life and I tried to give myself a new mantra—I wasn’t bad. I was good. I was right for Tanner and Rylan. I only wanted the best for them, and I had to believe that the judge wouldn’t be swayed by public opinion, by reputation, by speculation. That he’d be fair. I took Tanner’s hands in mine and turned to face him. “I’m here to fight with you, Tanner.”
“This is ridiculous,” Steve said but his voice faded away as I tugged Tanner a few feet away from him.
All I could see was Tanner’s face as he looked down at me with admiration and love.
“I’m so sorry I made you doubt my love, my support, but know that I only wanted the best for you. I was worried that I was wrong for you. That I’d ruin us—your case—everything. Luke made me see that I needed to trust your decision on this.” I tipped my head to his hoping he could see the sincerity in my eyes—my torment, my pain.
“You could never do that. We’re in this together. No matter what comes our way.” He cupped my face with his hand.
His words seeped through my consciousness, erasing all the negative thoughts—all the doubts—and filled the empty spaces with his love. “I love you.”
“I love you too. Are you ready to do this?”
“Yes.” I smiled knowing everything would be alright as long as we had each other. I didn’t need perfect or right—I just needed him.
Relief flooded his face as I stepped into his embrace and breathed in his familiar scent and reveled in the feel of his body against mine.
“Right now, we need to get to court,” Steve said.
I pulled away from Tanner in time to see Richard Gunner, my old boss, and Bree’s attorney stopped next to Steve. “Are you sure about this?”
I expected Steve to capitulate, but he didn’t. His face transformed into his trial attorney look, one which was intimidating and cocky. “Never been more sure about anything. You get the documents I sent over this morning?”
“Your surprise witness, the police officer?” Richard’s face was smug, but when I glanced at Bree, she looked uncomfortable and uncertain.
Her dark brown hair hung limply around her face, which was pale with dark circles under her eyes.
Was this the new development Steve mentioned? Was Bree stopped or arrested for drinking?
“Tanner, do you think we could talk about this?” Bree asked.
She was scared of whatever this police officer had to say, worried about the outcome of the custody hearing, or both.
“We’ll talk and let you know if Tanner’s interested in negotiating an agreement,” Steve moved slightly in front of Tanner—everything about his body language indicated the conversation was over for now. I didn’t think he wanted Bree talking to Tanner before he told him this new development.
Richard guided her away, speaking into her ear.
“What’s going on?” The attorney in me had to know.
Steve’s face relaxed slightly. “An officer came forward saying he pulled Bree over last week for a DUI. She refused the breathalyzer but he believed her to be under the influence. She convinced him not to arrest her, to drive her home and forget about her.”
“How’d she do that?” I practically growled. An arrest was the proof we needed.
“All he’s saying is that she said she was a mother and had a big custody case coming up this week. And a DUI would ruin her chances,” Steve said.
Tanner shook his head. “I can’t believe he let her go.”
“How did you find out?” I asked.
“Luke did some checking around. He asked the officers if anyone was giving warnings when they should have been issuing tickets or letting people go without documenting it. This kid must have had a guilt complex, and he came clean. I guess you’d expressed your concerns to Luke about her driving drunk and he wanted to make sure no one was going easy on anyone. The officer’s here and ready to testify.”
“That’s it. We can use it to show she needs help.” Relief flooded my brain.
Tanner’s expression morphed from frustration to hopeful. “You think she’d be willing to come to an agreement? I’d want her to undergo random alcohol testing, a stipulation that I transport Rylan, or she has a driver at all times and reduced or supervised visitation until she can prove she’s alcohol-free.”
Steve glanced at the time on his phone before answering. “It doesn’t hurt to ask for everything we want. The judge is going to be annoyed she wasn’t arrested and won’t serve any consequences criminally, so he might be more willing to be heavy-handed if it goes to trial. Her psych eval came back and she’s definitely on anti-depressants, specifically benzodiazepines—the effects of which are exacerbated by drinking. I need to talk to Richard. Let’s go inside.”
Steve led the way up the courthouse steps and through security.
I felt lighter than I had in days.
When we arrived outside our designated courtroom, Bree and Richard waited by the door. Steve asked if he could talk to him and I watched but couldn’t hear the words exchanged between them. Richard’s face went from confident to disgusted as he stalked back to Bree and took her by the elbow to a small meeting room and closed the door.
“He wasn’t happy. I think we’ll be able to work something out,” Steve said.
Once Richard talked to Bree, Steve and Richard went back and forth a few times as they ironed out an agreement with timelines for her to complete testing, attend AA meetings, and alcohol classes. Bree agreed to reduced visitation—every other weekend at her parents’ home until she completed her classes and had three clear tests. Then we’d discuss an agreement going forward. The one thing Tanner would not back down on was that she undergo random alcohol testing as long as she was taking the anti-depressants.
“I can’t believe we were able to come to an agreement without a hearing,” I said as Tanner took my hand and led me outside the courthouse.
“You know, I thought it would work out.” Tanner’s tone was light.
Maybe that’s why we worked so well together. Tanner was the eternal optimist to my negative outlook. But perhaps the more we were together, the more I’d learn to look at the positive side of things. I’d learn that there were good people out there—like Luke, Kristen, Tanner and his family, who’d be there for me, for us when things looked bleak and unmanageable. “I’m so thankful Luke asked around about the warnings.”
“We’d discussed my observations of Bree’s behavior and he thought it was odd she hadn’t driven drunk home. If she didn’t understand the effects of alcohol and how drugs amplify them—it was likely she’d done it. And someone had to have seen something. It was a huge shot in the dark that paid off.”
We’d paused at the bottom of the steps bec
ause Bree approached us. I took a deep breath and braced myself for whatever she had to say. She was an addict who’d been forced to face the consequences of her actions and I didn’t think she’d be happy about it.
Bree wrung her fingers, her face contrite. “I’m sorry, Tanner, for everything. I’m going to do better. Steve mentioned how Rylan was affected by my actions and I had no idea. I guess I thought she was too little to notice if I was there or not.”
Tanner’s face softened as he kept a tight grip on my hand. “I want you in Rylan’s life. I just want her to be safe and you to be healthy.”
“Thank you.” Bree glanced at me before walking away.
Hopefully, things wouldn’t always be awkward between Bree and me. I wanted to be another person in Rylan’s life who’d be there for her. She had me, my grandparents, Tanner, Tanner’s parents, and Bree and her parents. If Bree weren’t there for her—I’d pick up the pieces. Rylan had so many people who cared for her. She’d never feel the way I did growing up—alone and isolated. She’d have everything. I’d make sure of it.
Sadie
I fell right back into a routine with Tanner. We spent our free time together and I cut back on my hours teaching dance. Instead, I helped Kristen with her plans to expand the studio and we talked about me being a partner in the business. It was something I’d been considering for a while, but I needed to save a bit of money first. When either of us had children, we’d be able to split the work. Maybe I’d be ready to quit my job at the public defender’s office one day.
I stopped by Raina’s house weekly, not providing money, but letting her know I’d be there for her when she needed help with her addiction. I wanted to make it easy for her to reach out. When she finally called and admitted she had a problem, Tanner and I worked together to find the best rehab mostly covered by her insurance. I’d kept paying for that particular expense because I hoped this day would come. She was still in her ninety-day program and I expected when she was released, we’d be able to work on our relationship.