by Swan, T L
“Sexual?”
I nod.
“For how long?”
I exhale heavily. “A while ago things changed between us. But just lately I’ve got a raging boner every time I’m with her. It’s like I’m barely hanging on to control.”
“What did she say about it?”
“She doesn’t know. Fuck!” I widen my eyes. “Are you stupid?”
“What changed between you?”
I frown at him, not understanding the question.
“You said that a while ago that things changed between you, so what changed?”
I blow air into my cheeks. “A couple of months ago, I stopped having sex with other people.”
“Why?”
I shrug. “Didn’t feel right.”
He listens intently.
“But I didn’t realize at the time that it involved Eliza. Elliot thinks that I stopped having sex with people because I felt like I was betraying Eliza.”
“Who’s Elliot?”
“My therapist.”
His eyes widen. “You’re seeing a therapist?”
“I’m telling you, Alex, I’m fucked in the head over this. It’s messing with me, big time.”
“Well, what does the therapist say?”
“He thinks…” I pause as I try to articulate Elliot’s words, “that perhaps I was unconsciously trying to protect myself from getting hurt again, and it’s only recently that my body has caught up with my heart.”
He listens intently as he watches me. “Is that what you think?”
I shrug and take a gulp of my beer.
“You do love Eliza.” He offers an explanation.
“I do,” I reply without hesitation. “No doubt about that. I have always loved her.”
“So, what’s the problem? If you love her and you’re physically attracted to her, what’s the problem?”
“Eliza is home to me, Alex. If I fuck this up…”
“Nathe.” He sighs. “I know that Eliza is the only thing that kept you sane while you were going through your breakup with Robert, but….”
“She was.” After I broke up with Robert, I went through a particularly wild time in my life. I was single and young with a broken heart. I’d never been sexually active and free before. It was all so new. I would party hard, and my friend dates with Eliza were the only thing that kept me on the straight and narrow. I toed the line because of her. I take a big gulp of my beer. “Another two, please,” I ask the waiter.
“She probably doesn’t feel the same, and… what if I don’t like it?” I stare straight ahead.
“Like what?”
“The sex. How the fuck do you suddenly start liking women at the age of thirty-four?”
He shakes his head and laughs quietly, like I’m an idiot.
“What’s that laugh for?”
“You want to hear what I think? I think that you just happened to fall in love with a guy first. And I think that it perhaps molded you into thinking that only men could give you the type of sex you want.”
“What?” I scowl.
He holds his hand up. “Listen to me for a minute. You have said to me on many occasions that you like rough sex, have you not?”
“Yes.”
“Tell me, Nathe, do you think that a woman could handle how rough you are in bed?”
“No. I don’t.” I shake my head. “No way.”
“Do you think that when you broke up with Robert, you gravitated toward men because they were familiar to you and you didn’t have to think? You could just fuck and forget about the world. Is it possible that you associate the type of sex you like… to the sex of the person?”
“What?”
“I believe that you think only men can take it how you want to give it.”
I stare at him, a clusterfuck of confusion tearing through my mind.
“Nathe, women like it rough. I can’t fuck Jessica any harder than I do.”
“What are you saying?”
“I think that if you slept with a woman… you maybe wouldn’t…” His voice trails off.
My eyes hold his, waiting.
“Okay, let’s go through this.” He begins to count on his fingers. “You don’t have any gay friends, other than ex-boyfriends. Your male friends are all heterosexual. You hate gay bars. You hate anything camp. You have never picked up someone in a bar in front of anyone you know. You have never ever battled with your sexuality like most do. You have never battled with coming out because a title has never bothered you.” He holds up his counted fingers. “That’s eight. Ten. Don’t you think that if you were truly a gay man that you would want the world to see who you really are?”
I sit back in my seat, affronted.
“You would be out and proud if that’s who you really were. You’re not ashamed of being gay.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that maybe you just happened to fall in love with a guy first and that it doesn’t have to define who you will love in the future.”
My eyes drop to the counter in front of me. “I wouldn’t change meeting Robert.”
“I know.”
We sit in silence for a while, and my head is spinning about his revelations.
“Tell me this, Nathe. If you could go out tonight and pick up anyone in the world, male or female, and have sex with them, who would it be?”
Eliza.
I can’t bring myself to say it out loud. I exhale heavily and put my head into my hands.
“I feel like the walls are closing in. I’ve never been so confused in my life.” I sigh. “I’m watching things I shouldn’t be watching. Thinking things I shouldn’t be thinking.” I shake my head in disgust. “I don’t know what the fuck is going on with me, and you know what I noticed this week?”
“What?”
“Maria, my receptionist, has great legs.”
He frowns.
“She’s worked for me for four years, and just this week, I noticed she has great legs.”
“Why?”
“You tell me.” I gasp. “I’m like a fucking pubescent teen again. I’m confused and angry… anxious.” I shake my head in frustration. “I’m having wet dreams and jerking off in Eliza’s bathroom, for Christ’s sake. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with me or how to deal with it. It’s like I’ve been rewired or something.”
His eyes light up. “Yes. Maybe that’s just what’s happened? Maybe by not having sex with anyone, you’ve wiped the slate clean. You’ve been guided for so long by what’s familiar, that maybe now, it’s time for a change.”
“But what if this has nothing at all to do with Eliza?” I ask.
“It might not.” He shrugs. “All these new feelings you’re having may be misplaced toward her. Maybe you’re clinging to her because she wants to date again and you don’t want to lose her.”
“That’s the worst thing I could ever do,” I whisper.
“And the most selfish.”
“Fuck.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “This is a nightmare. So much to… and all I want to do is… ”
“You can’t touch her. You can’t fucking touch her until you get your shit sorted.”
“I know.”
“I mean it, Nathe. If you sleep with Eliza before you work out what’s going on with you, you will fuck up everything.”
“Do you think I don’t fucking know this?”
We fall silent, once again, as we both stare at the bar.
This situation is impossible.
“That’s if she’ll have you. Assuming that she would even like you. I mean, I wouldn’t if I were her.”
I drop my head and chuckle. “Me neither.”
Eliza
The music is pumping and the night has been a great success.
Everyone is dancing. I laugh as I watch Nathan swing his grandmother around by the hand. These old tunes that Nathan downloaded are a hit.
“Eliza?” Phyllis calls me over to the music stand.
; “What’s wrong?”
“Neil’s phone is almost dead. Do we have any more back up music?”
“I’ll run upstairs and get my phone,” I tell her.
“You have the right music on it?” She frowns.
“No, but this is Nathan’s playlist, and I’m pretty sure he downloaded it onto my phone today. Back in a sec.”
I run inside and take the stairs two at a time. I go to the desk in our room. My phone is plugged into Nathan’s computer, and I open it to make sure everything is finished.
I can hear the party going on downstairs. They are all laughing and clapping. The song Bus Stop is now playing. I smile as I imagine them all lining up and doing the dance.
Nathan’s phone is sitting beside the computer, and I pick it up.
There are three missed calls from someone called Stephanie.
Hmm, that’s weird…. Who’s Stephanie?
I sit down at the desk, open the computer, and see if the download is complete.
Where do I look? My eyes scan the screen, and I click on the history.
Pornhub
“Pornhub. Jesus.” I click out of it and smile with a roll of my eyes. Where do I see if the download is complete?
I glance back to the history. I never pegged Nathan as someone who would watch Pornhub. Curious, I click back on it.
It’s a girl giving a guy head. She’s naked, and he’s watching her in the mirror behind her. He’s really fucking her mouth as he pulls her by the hair.
Huh?
I scroll through the history to see there’s a heap of porn on here.
“What?
I frown. “Nathan watches straight porn. A lot of straight porn.”
I look at what he’s been watching. They are all girls with long hair and great bodies.
It’s hardcore stuff in every single one, and the girl is always getting absolutely hammered by a guy with a huge dick.
I hover over the history and scroll down to see the category.
Gay To Straight
My mouth falls open. “What the fuck?”
“What are you doing?” Nathan’s voice snaps from behind me.
I spin toward him guiltily. “Just getting the music.”
“Why are you on my history?” He takes the computer off me and slams it shut.
“You watch straight porn?”
“So?”
“Why?” I frown.
“What do you mean, why?”
“Why would you want to watch someone fuck a girl?”
He glares at me, and I can see the muscles ticking in his jaw.
“Nathan?”
He drops his head and stares at the floor.
“Answer me.”
“I’m curious.”
“Why?”
“Just drop it, Eliza.”
“No. Explain this to me.”
“This isn’t how I wanted to tell you.” He reaches for me, and I step back away from him as uneasiness fills me.
“Tell me what?”
“I’ve met someone.”
What?
“Her name is Stephanie.”
I stare at him, confused. I must have heard him wrong. “What did you say?”
“Can we talk about this later?”
“No.”
“Now is not the time.”
My eyes nearly bulge from their sockets. “Now is the time,” I reply. “What do you mean you’ve met someone? A woman? You’ve met a fucking woman?”
He swallows the lump in his throat but doesn’t answer me.
“Where? Where did you meet?”
He runs his hand through his hair in a fluster.
“Who is it?”
He stays silent, infuriating me further. “Start fucking talking, Nathan.” I whisper angrily.
“Calm down.”
“I will not calm down!” I snap. “Is this some sort of sick joke?”
He turns his back to me before he goes to the window and looks down at the party below.
Uneasiness fills me. “Nathan?”
Is this why he’s been acting so weird lately?
I feel a lump forming in my throat.
“You said our relationship would never change,” he replies quietly.
“And you told me you like men,” I spit. My nostrils flare as I try to hold in tears. My gaze drops to the floor, he’s been hiding this from me.
A woman.
“How long have you been lying to me?” I whisper.
He spins toward me, angered. “You think I want to lie to you? You think I want to go through this fucking shit?” He throws his phone and it hits the wall with force. I jump, startled. “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
His silhouette blurs from my tears.
His eyes hold mine, and then, without another word, he picks up his computer and his phone from the floor and storms from the room.
I stare at a spot on the carpet for a long time, unsure what to think, unsure what to do. Did that really just happen?
Ten years.
I go to the window and look down at the party. Everyone is dancing and having the best time. I see Nathan take his computer and hook it to the speakers.
Who is she?
Betrayal washes over me like a wave in the ocean and I pinch the bridge of my nose as I try to calm myself down. And I here I was thinking… feeling.
My stomach rolls at the thought of him with a woman. Another woman.
He was mortified for touching me the other night because he saw it as cheating on her. He doesn’t want to sleep beside me anymore… because of her.
God, I’m a disaster.
And here I was thinking that there was something developing between us.
It has nothing to do with me.
My tears break the dam, and I drop to sit on the bed.
This hurts.
I always knew that one day I would lose him to someone else, but I was mollified by knowing that it would never be completely because I would always be the only woman in his life.
I think back and see the haunted look on his face, and his words come back to me.
I don’t even know who I am any more.
Sadness fills me. That makes two of us.
Half an hour and a good cry later, I wash my face and reapply my makeup.
I’m here for Neil’s birthday, and I need to get over myself.
I have no right to feel hurt. Nathan isn’t my boyfriend—we’re just friends.
I’m going to put a smile on my face, and I’m going to go downstairs. I’m going to be the friend that Nathan needs. I can’t stop seeing the pain on his face when he told me he doesn’t know who he is.
I know who he is. He’s a beautiful man that I care about, and I want to wrap him in my love and support him through whatever he’s going through.
I practice my broad smile in the mirror.
“Nathan, let’s dance,” I say.
My smile slips because behind it I can see the hurt in my eyes, even if no one else will. There’s no denying it to myself. I’m cut to the bone. A tiny part of my heart wishes it were me that Nathan had feelings for. Maybe that tiny part of my heart loves him, and maybe that tiny part of me will always feel like this.
I smile sadly. Nathan calls my vagina Tiny. Oh, the irony.
“Eliza?” I hear a voice call.
I quickly wipe my eyes and pat my cheeks. “In here!” I call happily from the bathroom.
Alex, Nathan’s only brother, comes into view and smiles. “There you are. I was looking for you.”
I put my lipstick back into my beauty case and zip it up. “I’m coming now.”
His eyes linger on mine, and I know that he knows. Alex is the only person that Nathan talks to about his sexuality.
“You okay?” he asks softly.
I nod, but suddenly, I feel all weak again, and my tears simmer dangerously close to the surface. “Yep.”
Don’t be nice to me or I’ll crack.
He sits on the side of the b
athtub. “You want to talk about it?”
I shake my head. “Nope.” I do, but I know that I can’t, because I will cry and make this selfishly about me.
Why am I feeling like this?
Alex stands and takes me in his arms. The kindness of that act makes the stupid tears well again.
“I have to ask you something,” he says. He pulls back to look at me. “Do you have feelings for Nathan?”
“I love Nathan, you know that.” I sigh as I pull out of his arms.
“So, what do you make of all this?”
I exhale heavily. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just rattled because of the way I found out. He didn’t even tell me, Alex.”
“He doesn’t have feelings for her, he’s just attracted to her. That’s all. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Same thing.” I shrug.
“No, it’s not—not for a guy. They are a mile apart.”
“Did Nathan send you up here to check on me?”
He puts his hands into his jacket pockets, not wanting to answer me.
“That means yes.” I roll my eyes. “And of course. I don’t have feelings like that for Nathan. We’re friends, Alex, that’s all.”
“So why are you upset?”
“Because he’s been lying to me for ten years,” I whisper in an outrage. “Never once in ten years has he mentioned a woman to me.”
“Has he mentioned a man to you?”
“No, but...” I throw my hands up in frustration.
“Nathan is different from most people, Eliza. He doesn’t talk about his feelings openly, not even to the people he sleeps with.”
“Well, he tells you everything.” I huff.
“You know why he tells me everything?”
“Why?”
“Because I walked in on him and Robert in a compromising position when they were sixteen.”
I frown. “How old were you?”
“Eighteen. I talked to Nathan about it because he had no choice. I had seen it with my own eyes, so he eventually opened up and told me everything. It changed for us on that day. We grew closer. I understood where he was coming from and I became his only confidant.”
“And what’s he telling you now, Alex?”
“He’s petrified that if he tells you the truth, he’s going to lose you.”
“So, he lied?”
His eyes hold mine. “He’s just testing the waters with her, Lize. She means nothing. Trust me on this.”