by Swan, T L
Fuck, I’m so furious, I’m about to explode.
Nathan opens the door and I march in, heading straight to the fridge. I pour myself a drink and I stand at the sink and drain it as he watches on in silence.
“Eliza.”
“Don’t!” I growl. “Don’t you fucking dare tell me one more lie.”
He stays silent, as if unsure what to say.
I pour myself another glass of wine and take a huge gulp as a million hurtful things run through my mind. I’m so angry, I can hear my heartbeat in my ears, like a speaker echoing my pulse throughout.
“I didn’t lie to you.”
“Excuse me if I don’t believe anything that comes out of your mouth.” I sneer.
He puts his hands into the pockets of his suit, his jaw clenches. “So, I know her…”
“Oh, I can see that.”
“You know….” He holds his hands up in surrender. “It was just one night. And it meant nothing, I fucking swear to you, Eliza. It meant nothing.”
“She’s your friend.” I get a lump in my throat. I feel so betrayed. My eyes well with tears.
His face falls. “Baby, don’t cry.” He pauses as he tries to get the wording right in his head. “I was as high as a kite. What would have happened if I’d have gone to you, off my face, and put that shit on you?”
“So, instead, you put it on her?” I bark.
He swallows the lump in his throat as his eyes hold mine.
“You told me that you had feelings for me but you went to her to see if your body worked with a female’s.”
“Yes.” He nods. “That’s right, I did.”
“That’s bullshit, and you know it. You already knew that your body worked with mine. You were hard the night before. Do not fucking dare insult my intelligence one more fucking time, Nathan,” I scream as I lose all control. “You went to her because you wanted her.”
“Calm down.”
“I will not calm down.” I throw my glass at him, and he ducks. It hits the fridge behind him and smashes on the floor.
“Just a girl from the gym. Just a girl I’ll never see again.” I shake my head in disgust. “You flirt with her all day at work, Nathan. I’ve seen it with my own fucking eyes.” My eyes nearly pop from their sockets. A thought comes to me. “Have you talked about that night with her?”
He clenches his jaw, and I know that he has.
“So, you can talk to her about it but you can’t talk to me,” I whisper through the hurt.
“Eliza….” he whispers.
“You stood there tonight and talked and laughed with her for ten minutes, with me not far away, watching on, knowing full well that I had no idea who she was. If that’s not betrayal, Nathan, I don’t know what is.”
He drops his head and closes his eyes.
I watch him as angry tears roll well in my eyes. “Tell me what happened,” I demand.
“You tell me what happened that night. I want a full description of every single fucking touch. You knocked on the door, and then what…”
“It doesn’t matter what happened!” he snaps. “It doesn’t mean anything.”
“You’re wrong,” I whisper. “It does to me.”
“I didn’t want you to feel insecure,” he says calmly.
“You would rather I feel stupid?” I cry.
“No.” He gasps. “I didn’t want you to think about it again. I told you that it happened. I was honest, and it doesn’t affect us. It changes nothing.”
“It doesn’t affect you, Nathan.” My eyes hold his. “It changes everything for me.”
“Why?”
“Because my Nathan…” I point to my chest with force. “My best friend, Nathan, would never deceive me. He would talk to me and tell me all about it. He would point the girl out to me and discuss it openly. He would have nothing to hide.” I shake my head. “I don’t even know who you are as a lover.”
His face falls.
“What else haven’t you told me?”
“Nothing.”
I stare at him, his silhouette blurred through tears. “I wish I believed you.”
He reaches for me. “Baby, don’t.” He pulls me into his arms and holds me tight against my will. I struggle to pull out of his arms.
“You being with her doesn’t make me feel insecure, Nathan. Lying to me about the reason you did it, does.”
He stares at me, clearly lost for words.
I walk past him and go into the bathroom where I lock the door. The lump in my throat hurts as I try to hold it together. I just want to howl to the moon.
I tear my dress off, and through tears, I wrangle myself out of this dumb corset. And to think I’ve been hanging off his every word tonight, and all the while, he was probably making eye contact across the room with her. Their dirty little secret.
I feel so stupid.
I was so swept away with his admission of love in the beginning. I knew that he went to her, and I knew I didn’t like it back then, but to know it was with a friend of his—someone he talks to regularly, and a colleague he respects. Someone he sees every day at work. Another female friend.
He would care about her, just like he does me……Oh, this hurts.
I get under the hot water and let myself go, I screw up my face in pain as the tears roll down my face.
Betrayal tastes bitter…especially when you don’t expect it.
That was the last thing I expected to come out of tonight…. but I guess, at least now I know.
I get out of the shower an hour later. I sit on the floor and cry like a baby for way too long. I’m being over dramatic, I know, but I can’t seem to stop myself. I wrap my hair in a towel and put my nightdress on. I brush my teeth and make my way into the bedroom.
Nathan’s bedside lamp is on, and he lies on his back in the semi darkness, wide awake and waiting for me. His fingers are linked on his chest.
I get into bed and turn my back on him.
He snuggles up close to me and takes me in his arms. “I love you,” he whispers against my temple. “You know that, don’t you?”
I don’t answer him as I stare at a wall. I don’t have any fight left in me. I’m too tired. I don’t want to think about this shit any more.
And with Nathan clinging to me for dear life, I close my eyes and let myself drift off into sleep as the sad realization sets in: the man I love isn’t who I thought he was.
He thinks like a man.
* * *
I wake to the gentle dusting of kisses over my shoulder. My heavy eyelids flutter as they battle waking up.
“Hi.” Nathan says softly. He kisses my shoulder again.
“Hi.” I sigh, disappointed that I didn’t have a bad dream last night. It was real. I roll over to face him.
An over dramatic reaction, but a real one, just the same.
We stare at each other. I drag my eyes down to the sheets, I’m still annoyed with him.
“I’m sorry, Eliza.
“For what?”
“I should have told you that I knew her.”
“You should have. Do you have any idea how stupid I felt when she introduced herself to me?”
He presses his lips together but stays silent. I run my fingers through the hairs on his chest as I think.
“What do you want to know?” he asks. My eyes hold his. “Ask me anything about that night, and I’ll answer you honestly and truthfully. I promise.”
I focus on the hair on his chest as I run the backs of my fingers back and forth.
“Lize,” he says softly as he puts his finger under my chin, bringing my face to his. “You wanted to talk about this last night, so let’s talk about it.”
I press my lips together, unsure what to say without sounding whiny. I hate jealous insecure girls, and here I am being a queen one.
“Talk to me…”
“I feel betrayed,” I whisper.
“Why?”
“Because you say you cared for me and you went to another female friend for sexual favors.
How can I not be upset? It feels like you cheated on me.”
He exhales heavily as if frustrated. “Imagine if the role was reversed, Nathan. You are going ballistic about me going on a work conference with Henry. Imagine if I told you that I have feelings for you but I went to Henry for sexual satisfaction.”
His eyes become murderous. “Don’t even fucking say that.”
I shrug. “That’s how it feels.”
“You and I weren’t together at that stage.”
“So why did you tell me that you didn’t know her?”
“I told you I knew her.”
“Not as well as you do.”
“Because she’s irrelevant to our story.”
“Not to me.”
He stays silent as his eyes hold mine.
“Tell me what happened that night with her.”
“I don’t want that shit in your head, babe.” He sighs sadly as he pushes the hair back from my face. “Why would you want to know that?”
“It’s eating me alive, Nathan. I need to know.”
“Promise me that we aren’t going to fight about this. I mean it, Lize. If we talk about this, you can’t hold it against me. It’s not fair.”
“Don’t talk to me about fair, Nathan, because you have no fucking idea of the meaning of the word.”
“Promise me.”
“Fine.”
“Kiss me.”
“Just spit it out.” I snap in frustration.
He exhales heavily as if he’s walking to the execution chair. “I know Stephanie quite well.” He pauses. “We worked together on a few cases, and when she was having trouble with her husband—”
“She’s married?” I gasp.
“Ex-husband,” he corrects himself. “She talked to me about a few warning signs she had about him cheating on her with a man. He’d started hanging out with someone and going on trips away with him. He was wanting things they’ve never done before in the bedroom, and so on. She knew that I was… ”— he pauses—, “the way I am.”
“Gay.”
“I’m not gay, Eliza,” he corrects me.
“Why do you hate that title so much?”
“I don’t identify with it.”
“So, what…. you’re bisexual?” I frown as I try to understand. “Explain this to me, Nathan, I don’t understand.”
He shrugs. “Elliot thinks I’m pansexual. Although, I feel totally fucking straight when I’m with you.”
“What does pansexual mean?”
“It just means that I fall in love with a soul rather than a body type.”
“Oh…” I’ve never heard of that before.
“Anyway, we talked over lunch one day in the cafeteria about her husband, and I told her I thought he was probably having sex with men.”
“What made you say that?” I ask.
“He wanted her to wear a strap-on and fuck him.”
My eyes widen.
“Yeah.” He shrugs. “In your words: red flag.”
“Right.” I listen intently.
“I didn’t see her for ages. She worked out of a different hospital, and months later I saw her again alone at the cafeteria. She told me that her husband had just left her for this friend. She was distraught, and we just started talking casually. Not super close or anything, but we had this open line of communication between us, you know? We had talked about subjects that you don’t talk about with the average person.”
“You crossed the line?” I ask.
“Perhaps, but not in a sexual way. Kind of in a therapist-like way, if that makes sense.” He shrugs. “This sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud.” He pauses and exhales heavily as he prepares himself for the next part of the story. “When my feelings for you started changing, I was terrified that I was going to lose you. I needed someone I could talk to about it from a female’s perspective.”
I clench my teeth as I watch him.
“I talked to Stephanie.”
Jeez, I fucking hate this story.
“You have to understand, my biggest fear about opening up to you was that I was going to profess my love and then we had sex and I didn’t like it. I didn’t know if I would like a vagina, Eliza. I had no idea how I was going to perform or if I could even get it up.”
I close my eyes in regret. “You talked to her about this?”
“Yeah, I did.” I know he’s uncomfortable with this conversation.
“She had said to me on more than one occasion that, if I wanted to test the waters, she would be my guinea pig.”
“Of course, she did.” Now I’ve really heard it all. “Wow.”
“The thing is, I didn’t care if I fucked it up with her because my feelings for her are platonic.” He kisses me. “But I was in love with you, and I know you don’t understand this, but I couldn’t risk hurting you by sleeping with you and not liking it. At the time, a female body was so foreign to me. I had no idea what was going to happen.”
“Is it still foreign to you?” I whisper.
“Now I can’t imagine anything else. It’s like you woke me up inside.” His eyes search mine. “I can’t imagine not having sex with you. It’s the most natural love I’ve ever felt.” I smile softly as he kisses me again, and he brushes the hair back from my face.
How is he talking himself out of this? I sigh, frustrated with my forgiving, wimpy ass.
“So… when you found the porn on my computer. I had been watching it non-stop, and watching tutorials on giving women orgasms. ”
I frown. “What?”
“I was terrified that I was going to be a dud in bed for you.”
“Nathan.” My mouth falls open in shock. “Are you serious?”
“Deadly. I had told Stephanie on the Friday before we went to my parents that I was going to tell you everything, and she was calling me to see how it went. But you found the porn on my computer before I spoke to you, and I panicked and I lied. I told you that I liked another woman.”
“Stephanie,” I reply flatly. “You told me you liked Stephanie.”
“And you were jealous.” He smiles as he pokes me in the ribs. I twist my lips. “Maybe a little.”
“Anyway, the next week I was well on my way to insanity. I was watching porn all night, every night at my house, unable to touch you. We were fighting, and I was watching these tutorials on the female body that had me so fucking horny.” I stare at him, deadpan. Do I really want to hear this? “Careful,” I warn.
He bites his bottom lip to hide his smile. “In a moment of weakness, I decided I was going to a strip club to jerk off to a woman. To test the waters, so to speak.”
I inhale deeply with a roll of my eyes.
“They offered me a pick-me-up.”
“Cocaine?”
“I snorted so much of that fucking shit it was a joke.” He pauses. “I was seriously good to go. Like, nearly out of control. I knew I couldn’t go home to you like that, and I didn’t want to be with a prostitute.”
“You called Stephanie.”
“Yes.”
“What did you say?”
“It doesn’t matter what I said.”
“I need to know.”
He stares at me as if doing an internal risk assessment on how much to actually tell me.
“All of it,” I snap. “I want to hear it all.”
“No.”
“I mean, if you want me to forget this, Nathan, so we can move on, you need to just spit it out.”
“I said something along the lines of that I had a hard cock that needed to be taken care of,” he blurts out in a rush.
I clench my jaw as my anger rises. “Classy.”
He raises his eyebrows. “You asked.”
“What then?”
“I got a cab to her house and I stumbled through the door. We kissed once and fell onto the couch, and she dropped to her knees.” He says it in a rush as if hoping I won’t hear what he’s saying.
I stare at him as I imagine the scenario he’s explaining.<
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“Halfway through it, I wanted to stop.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No, I…” His voice trails off, not wanting to elaborate. It obviously felt too good and his body wouldn’t let him stop. Fucking asshole.
“What then?”
He exhales heavily. “I came, she swallowed, and then I zipped my jeans up and wanted to get the hell out of there.” He throws his hands up in disgust. “There were no feelings, no sweet tender moments. It was a clinical procedure.”
I clench my jaw as I feel the adrenaline pump through my veins. “What did she say?”
“She wanted sex. When I declined, she got angry.”
I narrow my eyes as I see the movie playing out in my head.
“We had a fight and I took off.”
“She wanted sex?”
“Yes.”
“What did you fight about?”
“Just what I said. She started abusing me because I didn’t want to fuck her. It was appalling, Eliza. I’m mortified I even went there. What was I thinking? I walked about five kilometers down the road until finally a cab pulled up.”
“Then what?”
“I texted her to apologize the next day when I woke up.”
“Have you messaged or called each other since?”
“No, and you can check my phone. I swear to you that since that day it has been completely platonic. I told her that I’m with you, and she hasn’t brought it up. When I talk to her now, it’s like it never happened. Sometimes I wonder if it actually did.”
“Nathan.” I exhale heavily. “You really piss me off, you know that?”
“I do.”
“And I’d really like to punch you in the face for being such a fucking douchebag.”
“I know.”
“And if I see you laughing and talking to her again, I’m going to go postal.”
“Deal.” He smiles as he watches me as if sensing that he somehow talked himself out of this mess.
I get out of bed.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“I need to sulk on this for at least two more hours,” I mutter dryly. “You’re not out of the dog house yet. Don’t dare come near me.”
“Okay.” He smiles as he leans up onto his elbow. “Then can you come back to bed so we can make up?”
I smirk, annoyed that he’s almost talked me around so quickly. “I’ll think about it.”