by Swan, T L
It was a token kiss.
It was cold and emotionless. He’s completely shut down on me.
I don’t know what to say or do to make it better.
I want to beg him to talk to me, but then the friend in me steps in, and I want to give him the freedom and space to make a decision for himself.
I roll onto my side and stare into the darkness. Where is my period?
Why isn’t it here?
Five days late. I know that sometimes early tests give a false negative result.
Nathan knows it, too.
I know what’s wrong with Nathan…
He feels trapped.
23
Eliza
I wait in the café for Jolie and Brooke. I’m a bundle of nerves, and to be honest, these are the last two people I want to discuss this with because I already know their thoughts.
April thinks that I need to be open with Nathan and lay it all out on the table, but I feel like I need some advice from people who know us both really well.
The girls come into view, laughing and chatting as they walk through to me before they fall into their seats.
“Hi.” They both smile.
Jolie leans over and kisses my cheek. “I cannot apologize for the other night enough, Lize.”
I roll my eyes. “Well, thanks to you, Nathan has hardly spoken to me all week.”
“What?” They both frown. “Oh no.”
“We had a huge fight, and he’s so hurt.” Jolie puts her head into her hands. “God, I feel terrible.”
“And so you should,” Brooke snaps. “I can’t believe you.”
“Anyway, it gets worse.” I sigh. “Much worse.”
They frown as they listen intently. “Nathan’s ex, Robert, came back, and right in front of me, he professed that he still loves Nathan and wants him back.”
Their faces fall.
“What did Nathan say?”
“He kicked him out.”
“Thank God,” Brooke says as she puts her hand on her chest in relief.
“But he hasn’t spoken to me since.”
“What?”
“He hasn’t spoken to me because I think that, deep down, he wants to go back but he doesn’t want to hurt me.”
“You think he’s confused?” Brooke asks.
“I think so… and now…” I tip my head back to the sky in despair. “I think I’m pregnant.”
“Oh, fuck!” Jolie snaps.
Brooke’s eyes widen in horror.
“Does Nathan know you’re pregnant?” Jolie gasps.
“Yes. Well, no, because the test was negative.”
“You did a test?”
“Yes. But apparently they can take a few days if the hormone levels are low.”
“How late are you?”
“Five days.”
“You’re five days late on the pill?” Jolie gasps.
“Yes.”
“Oh, fuck, you’re gone. Totally knocked up.” Jolie rolls her eyes.
I put my head into my hands in despair. “What do I do?”
The girls sit in silence, too shocked to reply.
“So, let me get this straight,” Jolie says as she recaps the situation. “His ex came back and Nathan hasn’t spoken to you since.”
“Before that, actually. He hasn’t really spoken to me since you said those things at the club.”
Brooke punches Jolie hard in the arm. “You fucking started this shit, you bitch.”
“I know.” Jolie winces.
“Robert professed his love, and you think Nathan still has feelings for him.”
I nod.
“But you think he’s going to stay with you because you’re possibly pregnant.”
My eyes well with tears, and I nod sadly. “Yep, that about sums it up.”
“Oh God.” Brooke drags her hand down her face. “This is a fucking nightmare.”
“You can’t have this baby,” Jolie says. “You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of insecurity.”
“If I’m pregnant, I’m having it, Jolie,” I bark. “And I was already insecure before any of this happened.”
We sit in silence for a while as we all try to find a solution. The enormity of the situation has really sunk in, now that I’ve said it out loud.
“You just need to talk to him, Lize.” Jolie sighs. “Only he can give you the answers.”
“I know.”
“He might be just stressed out.” Brooke smiles hopefully.
“The thing is, what do I do? If I know that he still loves Robert, but is staying with me out of responsibility, what do I do?”
“Could you build a future with a man, knowing that you aren’t his true love?” Jolie asks.
Tears fill my eyes again and I drop my head in sadness. “No. No, I couldn’t.”
* * *
I sit on the couch, curled up in a ball as I watch the minutes tick over on the clock.
It’s 10:00 p.m. and Nathan isn’t home from work yet. I have no tears left to cry. An emptiness has crept in and is sitting heavy in my chest. I’m dealing with a completely different man now—one that I don’t know. My Nathan would never treat me like this.
Is he with him?
Nathan was gone when I woke up. I haven’t heard from him all day, and my period still isn’t here.
This is new territory—a dark place where I don’t want to be anymore.
The end of us is near.
It’s only a matter of time, I know it is.
I can feel our relationship disintegrating before my eyes, and I have no idea how to stop it, or if it’s even possible. It’s like we are on a collision course toward heartbreak.
Both of us are in the passenger seat, unsure who is driving.
Things are grim. They couldn’t get any worse.
I scroll through Facebook and Instagram, desperately searching for a distraction but my mind is heavy.
In normal circumstances, Nathan and I would have talked through this. We’d have gone through every possible scenario by now. We would have come to a conclusion and discussed our options.
But this time, it’s different.
Robert’s pained words come back to me. You’ve been begging me to come back to you for years. I know you still love me, Nathan. It’s not too late for us.
Problems like these don’t just disappear. They come back to haunt you, year after year.
If Nathan is still in love with Robert, I will always know where his heart truly lies, and that he stayed because he didn’t want to hurt me.
I know Nathan, and I know that he will never leave me. That isn’t who he is.
He would sacrifice his heart for mine.
And I hate that. I hate knowing that if we are going to end, I have to do it.
He will never walk away. He would never leave me alone.
The clock ticks over to 10:30 p.m., and I drag myself off the couch and down the hall.
He knows this would be tearing me apart, and still, he stays silent.
He stays away.
I’m going to lose him.
Maybe I have already.
Nathan
I sit in the chair in the corner of my patient’s hospital room, and I go through his chart again, trying to figure out what the fuck to do here.
I nearly lost him today. After surviving a twelve-hour surgery yesterday, he’s fighting for survival. Justin, a twenty-one-year-old with his whole life in front of him, is unresponsive, and not coming out of it like we had hoped.
No heart transplant is easy, but it’s as if his body is too tired to fight. I’ve sent his parents back to their hotel to shower and rest. I promised them I would stay with him until their return.
“Here you are, Doctor.” The nurse hands me a cup of coffee. “Can I get you a blanket?”
“No, thanks, Emma, I’m good,” I reply as I take it from her.
Her eyes linger on me. “You must be exhausted—you’ve been here all day.”
I give a sad smile as my eyes watch J
ustin hooked up to all the machines, the sound of his weak heartrate echoing through the room.
Don’t die.
“I’m fine.” I sigh. I get a vision of him in my office last week and how excited he was to be finally getting the procedure. I had no inclination that his young body wasn’t strong enough to get through it.
Don’t die.
I should call Eliza. Why?
She just hurts me. The words roll though my head on repeat. How do I turn them off?
Are you in love with Eliza, or are you just looking for an incubator to make your babies?
One sentence.
One sentence to bring my entire self-worth to a screaming halt.
Just one sentence is all it took to see myself how her and the rest of the world see me. As they will always see me.
My past will never be in my past. It will never be done.
I will always be the man with an agenda—a man who wants her for her uterus.
Eliza knows me better than anyone. At least, I thought she did.
She broke something inside of me and I’m trying to get it back. I really am.
I’m calling out to my heart to drop it, but it just can’t.
How do you ignore the most hurtful thing you’ve ever heard?
How do you pretend to yourself that it doesn’t matter that she thinks I would use her to have a child? How do you force yourself to drop something that means everything to you?
What if she’s pregnant?
I put my head into my hands as my elbows rest on my knees as Jolie’s words come back to me. I let the poison roll over me and sink into my soul again.
What are you planning… to give her five years and three kids, and then go back to your ex, while your best friend raises your kids alone?
How could she think I want Robert when she is my entire world?
Doesn’t she know me at all?
How could she go to a bar and say these things when I begged her for an answer all night? How could she? I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. How could she even think such a thing?
The piercing sound of a flat line echoes throughout the room, and I jump to my feet and hit the call button.
“Justin,” I cry. “Justin, no!” I tear his blankets down to get access to his chest as nurses come running from all directions.
“Stay with me, Justin,” I whisper. “You stay with me.”
Nathan’s alarm goes off at 5:00 a.m., and I watch him stir. I’ve been watching him since he got home and fell into an exhausted sleep. He didn’t get home until two hours ago.
His eyes find me in the darkness, and I smile softly. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
I reach over and cup his face in my hand. “Where were you last night?”
His eyes drop to the blankets. “I lost a patient.”
My face falls. “I’m sorry.” I know how hard this hits him.
“Me, too,” he whispers sadly.
He tries to sit up, and I reach for him. “Nathe.” He turns back to me.
“Can you just…?” I shrug softly. “Hold me for a minute.”
His face softens, and he takes me into his arms. We cling to each other. It’s as if the tighter we hold on, the more we can chase the demons away.
“I love you,” I whisper. “So much. You know that, don’t you?”
“I love you, too,” he murmurs into my hair.
I want to tell him that we can work this out—we need to try harder—but I don’t want to force him into anything if his heart is aching for another.
I need to let him go.
I pull back to look into his big, blue eyes, and they seem so sad. I brush the hair back from his forehead. “Are you okay?” I whisper.
“I will be.” He leans in and kisses me softly.
When will he be okay? When he leaves?
We kiss again and again, and it’s filled with regret and sadness.
It’s an emotional overload for both of us.
He rolls over on top of me and falls between my legs as we kiss. Our bodies desperately need the comfort of each other. Needing the connection that’s been missing. He slowly slides the side of his shaft through my lips… but I’m dry.
So, dry. A first.
“You’ll need something.”
He reaches over and grabs some lube from the top drawer. He massages it in, and then he slowly rises above me and slides in deep.
Our breaths catch, and we stare at each other.
His body is deep inside mine.
I stare up at him as emotion overwhelms me.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“I love you, too,” he murmurs back, but there’s an emotion behind his words.
Something that I can’t put my finger on.
Regret? Anger? Is it sadness?
Is this goodbye?
He rises above me on straightened arms, and he spreads his knees on the mattress as he slowly begins to ride me. He closes his eyes, as if to block me out, his body unable to be slow and tender. He needs the release, not the intimacy.
I bring my legs up. Is he thinking about him?
Does he feel guilty for fucking me?
My eyes fill with tears, and when he sees them, something changes in his demeanour.
A feeling runs between us. Animosity.
He slams in hard, and I wince.
He’s angry, and I scrunch up my face as he gives it to me hard.
He’s angry that I’m making him do this… that he has to go through with the betrayal.
I scrunch my eyes shut as he fucks me. There’s no emotion. There’s no love.
He’s shut down—blocked me out. He’s thinking about someone else.
This is a seminal transfusion.
He slams me one, two, three times, and he holds himself deep.
“Come.” He winces, as if in pain.
I clench down hard, but there’s no chance of coming. This is breaking my fucking heart.
How could I possibly be aroused?
He hisses and holds himself deep. I feel the telling jerk of his cock from his orgasm.
He moves slowly as he completely empties himself, and I stare up at him through my tears.
It’s like I don’t even know him anymore.
He rolls off me and puts the back of his forearm over his face as he lies on his back.
That felt wrong to him too. He’s rattled.
What just happened? How could a love that was so beautiful become so cold?
So hurtful.
“I’ve got to go to work.” He gets out of bed in a rush.
I close my eyes, unable to even look at him. This cut gets deeper every day.
I don’t know how to save us.
* * *
I walk out into the courtyard at work. It’s now 10:50 a.m., and I know Nathan should be in between appointments. I dial his number.
“Hello,” he answers.
“Hi.” I can’t even hear his voice without tearing up. I’m an emotional fucking wreck here. “I just, um…” My voice trails off.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I don’t even want to tell him, but I know I have to. “My period arrived.”
He doesn’t say anything, and I frown as I wait for his answer.
“Did you hear me?” I whisper.
Silence.
“Nathan?”
“Okay, thanks for letting me know,” he says, devoid of emotion.
I frown, what does that mean? Is he happy, sad?
“I’ve got to go,” he says.
“Okay.”
He hangs on the line, and I close my eyes. I can’t take this. I can’t stand losing my best friend. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion. Nobody should have to bear this pain.
“I finish early today. I’ll pick you up from work,” he says.
I smile, hopeful that this is an olive branch. “Yes, alright.”
I go back to work, and my brain starts to tick over and over the last few da
ys.
Robert. His coldness.
No baby.
If I just had my old apartment, I could give us both some breathing space—give Nathan some time to think. Give myself some time to try and regain some confidence. I don’t know who I am anymore, but I’ve never felt so insecure and weak. This isn’t who I am. This is unlike anything I’ve ever faced—unlike anything most women will ever face.
I don’t know how to compete with his past.
I can’t.
A woman can’t compete against a man. Not if it’s a man he truly wants.
No amount of love can change that, and there is so much love between us.
I exhale heavily, knowing we moved in too quick.
But then, neither of us could ever have imagined that this would happen.
That Robert would come back and open old wounds. Damn that fucking asshole for ruining everything.
At least now with no pregnancy, I have options, and so does he. Nathan isn’t tied to me.
His words, not mine. I was never tied to Nathan. I was there by choice.
I begin to wrack my brain for a solution—one where we can try and salvage the damage that has been done this week. I’m not even sure where the damage has come from, because Nathan is saying that he wants me… but he’s not acting like it.
He’s acting like a man who is confused. A man who needs time to work out what he wants in life. And I know that Nathan, and I said in the beginning that our friendship is the most important thing, but the goalposts have been moved again, and we both know that it’s all or nothing now.
We couldn’t be friends; not with feeling the way that we do about each other.
And I would rather die than have to be witness to his life with Robert.
* * *
I’m waiting on the sidewalk when Nathan’s Tesla pulls into the curb.
“Hi.” I smile as I get into the car.
“Hello.”
We pull out into the traffic, and it’s there again.
This awkwardness between us. I have this overwhelming feeling that like I’m forcing him to stay against his will. I was hopeful, now that the pregnancy thing was over, that things would return to normal…. Guess not.
I turn the radio on, and we drive for a while, not speaking. A song by Evanescence comes on. My Immortal. I’ve never really listened to the words before, but it fits our situation perfectly.