by Swan, T L
“Pansexual,” he replies without hesitation.
My eyebrows rise. Wow, he seems definite on that answer now.
Progress.
“But while we were friends, I fell in love with her.”
I smile softly.
“How long were you together?”
“Six weeks.”
“How long were you in love with her before that?”
“Ten years.
I sip my wine, fascinated by what I’m hearing.
“Although, I didn’t realize it for a long time.”
“And how did you finally come to that realization?”
“I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with anyone else. I only wanted to be with her.”
“So, you were having sex with her the entire time?”
“No, we were platonic friends. But I would rather go without sex than sleep beside someone else. In the end, I couldn’t betray her. Not even if I had wanted to.”
“Sleeping beside her was important to you?”
“She was the best thing in my life.”
I close my eyes in regret. Why didn’t he just talk to me.
“What was the catalyst for your breakup?” Amanda asks.
“She thinks that I only wanted to be with her so that I could have children.”
My heart sinks, and the apple hisses in the saucer on the hotplate. “Shit.” I snap as I lift it off the heat.
“How did that make you feel?” Amanda asks.
Silence…
“Nathan,” she urges. “Tell me how that made you feel.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Aren’t you here to sort this problem out?”
“I… I can’t talk about it,” he stammers. “I have to go.”
I frown as I listen. What? He’s going to just walk out?
“Sit back down, Nathan,” she demands.
Silence.
With a shaky hand, I sip my wine.
“I would like to talk about it if we can,” Amanda says.
“I can’t.” Nathan stammers and I can hear the stress in his voice. “I tried.”
Nerves dance in my stomach.
“Who did you try and talk to about it?”
“Eliza,” he replies softly.
“What did Eliza say?”
“She fobbed it off—said I was overreacting,” he whispers.
God, I did.
“She was more worried about my ex.”
“What about your ex?”
“He told her that he wanted me back, the day after I found out what she thought of me.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“I was too upset about Eliza to care about Robert. He’s irrelevant.”
“You don’t feel the same about him?”
“No. Eliza knew that. I told her many times I didn’t have feelings for him.”
“Does Eliza know how much she hurt you?”
Silence.
“Did you talk to Eliza about how you felt?” Amanda prompts.
“I couldn’t.” He pauses. “I didn’t want to be near her.”
“Why not?”
“Because I loved her with everything I had and still, it wasn’t enough.”
I get a lump in my throat.
Fuck.
“I don’t know why I couldn’t talk to her, but I couldn’t. I still can’t. I just… can’t talk about it to anyone, even though I want to. I don’t know. It’s fucking weird.”
“Nathan.” Amanda pauses. “Have you ever heard of burnout?”
“Like stress, you mean?”
“Burnout is the experience of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion, often caused by long-term involvement in emotionally demanding situations.”
“What does that mean?”
“Could it be, Nathan, that you shut down on Eliza because you were battling with yourself over your love for her, and you had been for a long time?”
What does she mean by that?
Silence.
“Is it possible that Eliza verbalized your deepest fear?”
After a while, he softly says, “I already knew.”
“You knew what?” Amanda asks.
“Deep down, I knew she would think that I only wanted her for a child.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t fit into society’s box and she does.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Sad.”
“Because…?” Amanda prompts.
“Because as much as I want to believe in it, love isn’t love.”
My eyes fill with tears.
“Out of everyone in the world, Eliza knows me better than anyone, and if she doesn’t believe in my heart,” he whispers sadly, “nobody ever will.”
The tears break free and roll down my face.
“Oh, Nathe,” I whisper. This was before he read my letter.
He actually believed I didn’t love him.
Amanda goes on to say something else but I don’t want to hear any more.
I can’t stand it.
I fumble with my phone and turn it off. Then I throw my phone out onto the couch in the living room.
I pour myself another wine so fast that it sloshes over the side of the glass. My heart is racing in despair. Enough is enough.
No more pain.
I sit at the kitchen counter and wipe my eyes. Nathan will be home soon.
I’ve cooked his favorite dinner and dessert. I’ve showered and primped and now I just feel so sad.
So guilty, and so, so stupid.
Nathan and I broke each other’s hearts because we couldn’t communicate. Now that I’ve heard those transcripts, it’s opened back up my emotions, and everything feels so real and raw.
I can’t stop crying.
I’ve listened to them all and I can feel his pain. I imagine him heartbroken and going to a stripper for sex. I can’t stand it.
I hear the key in the door, and I quickly wipe my eyes.
“Hey!” he calls happily. He walks around the corner, sees me, and his face falls. “What’s wrong?”
His silhouette blurs. “I’m so sorry, Nathe,” I whisper.
His brow furrows in confusion.
“Love is love.” I wince through my tears. “I should never have left.”
He stares at me for a moment.
“Can you forgive me?” I whisper.
He rushes to me and wraps me in his arms. “It was my fault. I should have told you.”
“No—”
“Ssh,” he cuts me off as he kisses my lips. The emotion between us is so strong that it tears my heart wide open.
“I’m moving back in, no more games,” I murmur as he kisses me. “I’ll never leave you again.”
We cling to each other, and he drops his head to my neck as he holds me tightly.
And it’s still there, the pain in his grip.
The person who he loves the most left him because he was different to anyone else she knew.
What kind of person does that?
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I whisper again and again as I hold him.
He pulls back to look at me, and he wipes my eyes as he smiles. “Stop, it’s over, and we’re never going back there. It’s time to move on from both of our issues.”
I smile up at him as I push the hair back from his forehead. “I love you, Nathe. More than anything, I love you. Tell me how to make this up to you.”
“I love you, too.” He holds me cheek to cheek and smiles. “There is one thing you can do,” he says softly.
“What’s that?”
His eyes meet mine, “Marry me.” His eyes twinkle with a certain something.
My heart stops.
“Are you serious?” I whisper.
“Too soon?” He closes his eyes, as if he’s filled with regret. “Oh, man, I was supposed to wait…”
“For what?”
“For me to plan something romantic and perfect that you would neve
r forget.” He kisses me softly. “But I can’t wait any longer.” He kisses me again. “I love you too much.”
Our kiss deepens and, oh, I couldn’t love this man any more than I do, and yet I know tomorrow, I will.
“What do you say, Lize?” He smiles softly. “Do you want to be my wife?”
“You bet, I do.”
He picks me up and twirls me round as we both laugh. We kiss again and again. Who is he kidding? How could there be a more romantic and perfect time than now?
“Dinner smells fucking amazing. What is it?” he mumbles against my lips.
“Eggplant soup, followed by eggplant lasagne, and then eggplant pie for dessert.”
He glances over to the oven with a look of disgust. “Are you serious?”
“Deadly.”
His eyebrows rise in surprise. “That isn’t the type of eggplant I had in mind, Eliza.”
I laugh as I pull him in for another kiss. “Well, some fool delivered me sixteen eggplants so we have to use them.” I tease.
He chuckles and he squeezes me tightly. “You ask, and I deliver.”
* * *
We lie in the darkness on our sides, staring at each other.
Tonight has been monumental for us.
We got engaged, made love, and then we had dinner. After that, we made love again and again, took a deep, hot bath together, and now, as the dust of heartbreak settles, we’re talking. And not just skimming around subjects, either. It’s like our commitment has changed things and we are opening up to each other like never before.
Married.
The feeling of intimacy between us is like nothing I’ve ever felt.
“The butt plug thing,” I whisper.
Nathan watches me. “What about it?”
“I thought you wanted to have anal sex with me… because you missed it.”
“What?” He frowns. “Why would you think that?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “Why would I have thought any of the things I have thought?”
“I wanted it for you.”
My eyes search his as I run my fingers through his stubble. “What do you mean?”
“Babe… .” He pauses as if getting the wording right. “You are so perfect, but so… naive, sexually.”
“You think I’m vanilla?” I whisper, wide-eyed.
He chuckles. “Your vanilla just happens to be my favorite flavor.” He kisses me quickly as if to soften the sting.
I bite my lip as I contemplate this theory. It never occurred to me that I’m sexually vanilla. I always thought I was technicolored, fucking fantastic flavor.
“You said you a wanted a bad man to teach you bad things.”
“So, you tried to deliver, and I read into it the wrong way.” I sigh heavily.
God……what a colossal fuck-up.
“It’s fine. I get why you did.” He smiles and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. “It’s okay, we don’t have to do that. I never want you to do anything that your uncomfortable with.”
I stare at him, and this is it: the moment where I define what we will be. “I want to.”
I kiss his neck and then my lips brush lower onto his chest. I take his nipple into my mouth and nip it with me teeth. “I want to be everything that you need.”
“You already are. You’re not ready for that yet.
“So get me ready.”
His eyes hold mine as I drop between his legs. He inhales sharply and opens them in invitation. I lick the tip of his dick as the air crackles between us. “Are you up to the challenge?” I lick him again. “Can you train me to fuck me how you want to? My husband deserves so much more than vanilla.”
He smiles darkly as he grabs my hair in his two hands and slides deep down my throat. “I’ll see what I can do.”
Our story isn’t neat and it doesn’t fit into any boxes. We are complicated and messy.
Fucked up and tainted.
But…
This is love.
Our Way.
The End.
Epilogue
Three weeks later
I hold my hand out and stare down at the perfect solitaire diamond on my ring finger. We picked up my engagement ring today. Nathan designed it and had it made especially.
“I am literally loving myself sick.” I swoon.
Nathan smirks as he sips his beer. “Couldn’t tell.”
I’m sitting on the kitchen counter, and we’re just about to go out for dinner and drinks to celebrate.
“Can you take another photo of me?” I ask.
He takes out his phone, and I hold my hand up. “Make sure you get my ring.”
He rolls his eyes. “You’ve made me take five hundred photos of that ring today.” He takes a few photos.
“Take some more.” I put my hand on my face. “Make it look casual so my ring stands out.”
He drops his phone and looks at me, deadpan. “Nobody sits on the kitchen counter with their hand on their face, Eliza.”
I smile goofily. “Nobody else has a ring this perfect. This is the ring of my life, Nathan. Get with the program.” I stare at it lovingly. I’m not even joking. This is the best engagement ring I’ve ever seen.
He chuckles. “It had better be the ring of your life.”
I pull him closer by his shirt, and I kiss his big lips. “I just love it. I just love you.“
“I have another surprise for you,” he says as if remembering something.
“And what would that be?”
His eyes dance with delight, and he takes off into the bedroom. “Now!” he calls. “Stay with me on this one.”
I kick my feet around in excitement. When he says that, it’s usually something sexual. The man is a deviant. He’s had me wearing butt plugs all week for my, and I quote, ‘training’.
He reappears with a black box wrapped in gold ribbon. He passes it over. “Don’t freak out.”
“Okay….” I open the box and stare down at the black egg. I frown. “What’s this?”
“A little bit of fun.”
I stare at it as I pick it up. It has a latex texture. My eyes rise to meet his. “And what do you do with this?”
Nathan smiles darkly and spreads my legs. He rubs his fingertips over my panties. “You wear it.”
“Where?”
He puts his finger into the side of my panties, and he slides his two fingers deep into my sex. “Here.”
My eyes flutter closed. “I’m already wearing a butt plug, Nathan,” I remind him. He put it in this afternoon as he went down on me.
I swear to God, this man is going to fuck me to death.
He smiles as he takes my lips in his. He sucks on them as his tongue does that twirling thing it does so well. “They go together, babe,” he breathes.
Arousal heats my blood. “How much longer am I in this training stage?”
He rubs the egg over my panties. “Wear this tonight, and it will be the last session.”
My eyes widen. “You want me to wear it… out?” I gasp. We’ve only played around at home before. This is next level crazy.
“Why not?”
I shrug. “Because…” I pause as I search for the right wording, “it’s rude, Nathan.”
He chuckles as he slips the egg under my panties and rubs it back and forth through my wet lips. “That’s the point, babe.”
“You want me to wear a butt plug and an egg thing… inside my body… at the same time, while we go to dinner?” I rasp.
“Yes.” He nods, smirking. “I do.”
My eyes widen. “Nathan.”
“Humor me.” He laughs as he pulls me closer for a kiss.
“This could be disastrous,” I murmur against his lips.
“Or just fucking hot.” He spreads my legs and puts them up on the counter. He slowly slides the egg deep inside my body.
My eyes close. “Ohh…” I whimper as my body sucks it in. I’m already teetering on the edge of an orgasm from his plug.
“How does th
at feel?” He rearranges his hard dick in his pants.
I frown and squirm as I try get used to the sensation. “Full.”
He bites his bottom lip as he watches me. “Just how I like it.” He rubs my sex through my panties. “Let’s go. If we stay here any longer, you’re getting it good.”
He takes my hand and drags me off the counter. Something tells me I’m going to get it good, anyway.
An hour later, Nathan and I are sitting at a table in our favorite bar. It’s bustling, and I just want to stare at my ring.
“I’ll get us another drink, babe. Margarita?”
“Yes, please.”
Nathan disappears to the bar, and I feel a flutter inside.
Oh… what’s that?
It was like my body contracted around the egg. I feel my face heat, and I look around.
God, Nathan is next level dirty. I smirk as I sip my drink. If all of these people in this club knew what I have going on under this dress, they would be appalled.
Or impressed. I’m undecided where I stand on it. All I know is that there is a lot of stuff going on inside of me right now, and it’s fucking hot.
I feel a flutter from deep inside again, and I frown as the air leaves my lunges.
What was that?
Is my body contracting around it? I drain the last of my drink as I feel a flutter again. Goosebumps scatter up my arms. Every time my sex contracts around the egg, I get a sharp jolt of pleasure from my behind. I drop my head, overwhelmed by the sensations. Everything feels magnified down there. Thump, thump, thump… pumps the pulse in my sex.
Fuck.
Nathan sits back down at the table and passes me my drink. “Thanks.” I pick it up and take a huge gulp.
I feel a vibration, and I close my eyes as arousal begins to take over. What’s going on here?
“Everything all right?” Nathan asks as he takes a sip of his drink.
“I just…” There’s another flutter deep inside, and my eyebrows rise by themselves. “Holy fuck,” I whisper.
“Mercer,” we hear someone say.
“Oh my God, Cam?” Nathan laughs out loud, and he stands to shake a man’s hand. “Eliza, this is my friend Cameron Stanton,” Nathan introduces me. Nathan seems very pleased to see this man, whoever he is.
“Hello.” I wince as I clench my sex to stop the flutters.
“Hi, there.” Cameron smiles.