Scarred

by Amy Sparks

  As I reached the last step, my mom comes in wearing a nice dress. She checks me over and smiles at me. It makes me happy to see her happy, and so to me, that’s like a pat on the back.

  I walk over to the kitchen to grab my wallet, then seeing James. He’s looking in the fridge, then pulling out a water bottle. For a twelve-year-old, he looks older. I guess because we’re tall just like our dad and so we all look older. Also, we look really fit. I mean I’m really fit, with a twelve pack, and Aiden is a little bit smaller but is catching up to me. And, well, James is young, so he’s not catching up that much yet. When he’s older though, he will. He looks up which makes stop drinking, and smiles at me. I smile back and then walk over to him and put my hand over on him. I love my brothers so much, that if someone harms them, I’m going to kill them. Hard. I’m going to make them feel the pain and let them know what they did wrong. That hasn’t happened yet, so I’m good. I grab my phone also, but really, I don’t need it at all. No one really calls me anymore. Only my best friend, Nate. He’s off in college, but he always tries to call me when he’s free. At least I know there’s someone that cares me instead of my family. My dad takes a good look at me and laughs.

  “Karen, doesn’t he look just like me?” My dad says asking my mom. I roll my eyes and try to get out of this conversation. Doesn’t he know that I look like him? I mean everyone sees it. My brothers are going to look like him too, so really, it’s not a big thing. At least my dad is handsome, so I’m ok with looking like him.

  “Of course he does, Mike. I mean, look at his face. Just like you when I first met you in college.” My mom says which makes me almost choke. Great, I basically fell in love with my own mother. My parents met in college and dated until my dad popped the question. It was when they just finished college since of course, he wanted to wait until finishing school. They got married, then after a year, they had me. Then three years later they had Aiden, and then three years later they had James.

  “Mom, really?” I say which makes her laugh. My head is starting to hurt which makes me go to the kitchen and open the medicine cabinet. I grab my meds for my headaches. This is not your normal headache which goes away just like that. No, my headache is like a horrible migraine that annoys you until you treat it. I open it hard, which makes all the pills go flying.

  “Crap,” I say under my breath. I know my family is looking at me and is feeling my pain. I just pick them up and put one in my mouth and swallow it with a bit of water. I take a deep breath, knowing that it will go away. I put it back away and close the cabinet. I turn around and see my parents and brothers face. They have a sad face on which is making me feel sick. I hate when people feel sad about me, but I know they have to. It’s just how people are. I mean that was me before the accident. I keep unclenching my fist and walk to the door and open it. I don’t look back and just go outside. I take a deep breath of air which makes me feel calm. No turning back, Connor, it’s just you. I really want to take my own car, but after on what happened, my parents are not going to let me drive for a long time. I just open the car door and go to the back. Later it’s followed by my brothers, then my parents. Aiden looks back at me sadly. I see it in his eyes. Damn it. Why the hell does he have to care so much?

  “Connor, are you feeling ok?” He says which I know I gotta answer. If I don’t my parents will think there’s something wrong with me, which there is. I mean come on, I have a crappy heart with a crappy brain. What would you call that? Normal? I just look up and smile at my brother.

  “Yeah, don’t worry kid. I’m not going anywhere.” I say which makes him smile, and James too. I lean against my seat and take out my earphones. I pop them into my ear and play the music. I hear the music beating through my whole body, making my foot tap. At least I haven’t lost the spark of my music. I close my eyes and just dream. Just dream and think about when I still had a decent brain. When I had a pretty decent healthy heart. When the accident never happened, and I was ok. Fine. Great. The other Connor. Not this one. Not the crappy shitty one. But what can I do? All I can do is smile, laugh and think it’s going to be ok. But it’s not. It never will be. Ever again.

  Chapter 4

  Ava

  I look like an idiot. I’m in my room looking in the mirror, disgusted at myself. I’m getting ready to go to the restaurant to meet my grandparents for dinner. I’m wearing this dress that makes me look like a little kid. I just want to die. I don’t really have any other good dresses, so I’m dead. At least mom hasn’t looked at me yet, so I’m good. For now. I’m startled by my door opening. It’s just Emily, which makes me feel calm. Emily looks at me and laughs. I roll my eyes and go on my knees.

  “Please Em, help me!” I say which makes her laugh more. I know begging for my sister to help me is a little bit pathetic, but come on. I look like a five-year-old! Emily takes my hands and brings me up. Emily looks so pretty, and I just look like a kid. She’s wearing this tight cute beachy purple dress. And damn, she looks good. I mean I hope she’s not trying to pick up someone there over dinner. I mean, Emily is not that good at keeping guys. The most she’s been with a guy was only a month. I mean come on! Emily’s hair is down, but curled which makes me want to touch it. She takes my hand and leads me to her room. She opens her closet which makes a big thump.

  I sit down on her bed, hoping she’s not going to give me a slutty dress. Thankfully she pulls out a cute blue beachy dress, not tight, but just enough to hug my body in the right places. Ugh, never mind, I don’t want it. It’s tight on the chest, but flowy on the bottom. I put it on quickly without saying anything because I know Emily’s going to shut me up. I walk over to her mirror and groan. My boobs look big. Like I don’t have big big boobs, but this dress is pretty tight on the top, so of course my boobs are going to look big. Hoping that there are no boys there, I’ll be fine. Emily then pulls out a pair of shoes that match the dress. What else does she have in there? A hair stylist? She tells me to sit down, which I do as she goes down on the ground and puts the heels on me. She must think I’m an idiot. I can’t put high heels on my feet. But she’s right, I can’t. I mean, these types of heels have so many straps, and it would take me a long time to do. Luckily Emily is fast, so we have time to do my hair. Emily hasn’t said anything and neither have I.

  I guess she works well when everything is quiet. I sit down on her chair as she does my hair. She curls it fast, then puts it in a cute messy low bun. She then sprays it with perfume to make it smell good, I think? She moves to my face next. She puts some eyeshadow, mascara, blush then some clear sparkly lip balm. I know when she finishes by the squeal that she makes.

  “I should be a makeup artist or something.” She says putting her makeup back into place. I get of the chair and give her a big hug.

  “Thanks, Em. I don’t know what I would without you.” I say, which makes her squeeze tighter.

  “I know.” She says letting go of the hug and looking me in the eyes. I smile and take her hand as we go downstairs. I see my parents in the kitchen all dolled up like us. My dad is wearing a suit, while my mom in a nice dress. They see me and Em and it makes them smile. I bring my phone just in case, and put it in my bag. I walk out first and go in the car. Em sits next with me of course, and my parents in the front.

  “You look so pretty, Ava.” My mom says, turning to see me. I smile and then look at Em. She’s rolling her eyes of course. I mean, who wouldn’t. I didn’t even do all of this. Em did, which makes her mad.

  “What about me, mom? What am I? Chopped liver?” She says which makes me burst into a laugh. My mom just waves her hand at my sister, while rolling her eyes.

  “Nonsense, Emily. You look really pretty. Both of you do.”

  “Thanks, mom.” Me and Em say at the same time. We both laugh and then go back to what we were doing. I go on my phone and check Instagram, and of course, nothing on my page. I stopped posting when I got out of the hospital. I didn’t need anybody say how pretty I looked in the picture, or where I got that shirt,
or where I took the pic. I don’t need any of that. All I need is me, and my family. I close Instagram and take out my earphones out of my bag. I plug them into my phone and lean back into the seat, and listen to the music vibrating through my whole body. I’m in sync right now with my music, and there’s nobody stopping me.

  Chapter 5

  Connor

  The touch of my knee wakes me up. I look and it was James shaking me. I guess they were calling my name and I didn’t hear them. My volume of the music was up all the way, so I can’t blame them.

  “Dude, you scared me. We’re here.” James says, pointing to the restaurant. Ugh, now’s not a good time. My head is starting to hurt, and my stomach is not feeling that well. And now I gotta have dinner with my aunt and uncle. How can this day get any worse?

  “Um, Aiden, can you do me a favour?” I say, trying to get up. Damn, my stomach hurts. I try to grab the back of the seat, which scares Aiden more. I finally get up, looking like an old person in front of my brothers. Thankfully my parents are trying to find a parking space.

  “What do you need Connor? Please Connor, please be okay.” My brother says in a worried, concerned voice. Great, now I’m making my brother scared. He takes his seat belt off, then tells James on what’s happening. Great, now James is scared.

  “James, calm down, please. I’m fine. I just need you to carefully grab mom’s purse, without her looking, and grab the white bottle of my pills. Please Aiden, please.” I say, about to faint. Shit, I don’t feel good, at all. If I don’t at least take one pill, I’m going to faint. Aiden nods quickly, then carefully without making a noise, he reaches and grabs my mom’s purse without her looking. She’s looking out her window, helping my dad find a spot to park. Thank God, it’s full.

  Aiden grabs the purse quickly without making a noise, and searches for the bottle of my pills. My mom always has the pills for me just in case something bad happens, and that time is now. Great. Aiden finds it quickly and hands it to me. I open it fast, and I put the two pills in my mouth. James gives me his water bottle, and so I drink it until the pills are long gone into the pit of my stomach. I hand Aiden the bottle and then take a big deep breath. My headache is gone, and my stomach is feeling a lot better. I guess today was my day after all. Aiden puts the bottle of pills in my mom’s purse without her looking. In just the right time, my dad finds a parking spot, and now we have to go have dinner with my aunt and uncle. Great.

  “Ok, ready boys?” My mom says while turning to look at us in the back. If she found out on what happened a second ago, she would’ve had a heart attack. Sometimes I would like my mom’s help, but now, she takes it too serious sometimes. Like if I’m just coughing, she will want to take me to the hospital. I mean come on. I just smile at her and nod.

  “Great, well come on guys. You don’t want to be late, nor hungry.” My mom says while opening her door to come out. My dad does the same, as do my brothers. I’m the last one to come out since I sat at the back. I pull myself out of the seat, and get out of the car. The nice hot wind is blowing in my face, which makes me feel alive. James and Aiden look at me in concern, and I just put both of my arms around them. God, I love them so much. So, so much. My dad opens the door for us and my mom and the only thing I feel is the AC blasting. Damn it’s a little chilly. I mean, I am wearing a long sleeve dress shirt, but maybe I should've brought a jacket to wear over it.

  I see my mom talking to a girl who works there. I guess this must be one of those fancy restaurants where you need a reservation to get in. My arms are still around my brothers, and I think that if I let go, I may fall, but I don’t let go. I just let them support me and hope that my mom doesn’t find this weird.

  The girl that my mom was talking to has taken four menus for us I guess, and is guiding us to our table. My aunt and uncle aren’t here yet, I guess, which is good. I may need a little time to get myself together again. This girl is maybe about the same age as me? Maybe a little bit older. She’s cute, but I’m not doing this again. She’s not even my type anyway. She’s short, and looks really perky. I don’t really like those kinds of girls. I just like girls who express themselves, and show their true emotions. A girl who doesn’t give a shit about anybody, only about herself, and for the people who she loves. But I hardly believe I’m going to find the one. I mean, before when I was with Beth, I was in love. I mean I was always with her, and I would always tell her I loved her. And I did, but I guess after the accident, she thought that I was going to die, and so she didn’t even wait, she didn’t even ask, and so she got a new boyfriend.

  When I found out, I almost lost it. I broke a lot of stuff, even myself. I mean she was the first girl I kissed, the first girl I slept with and the girl who took my virginity. Nice, right? I’m so careful sometimes. But it’s not my fault. She was wearing a hot dress that night, one that needed to be left on the ground. I was with her for three years, and just like that, it was gone. Of all those years I stayed with her, of all those years I told her how much I loved her, and of all those years I couldn’t even sleep until knowing she was safe home. And now all those years are just crap. They are just gone down the toilet, left with my brain and my heart. The thought of Beth runs through my brain, which is now hurting. Crap. I shake my head so that the thought can leave my brain. I scratch the back of my head and stretch.

  The girl eyes me for a little, which makes me roll my eyes. Of course. I just smile at her and sit down on the table. Cute, but not for me. At all. Aiden elbows me and eyes me, telling me that the girl is hot.

  “Calm down.” I say to him. He winks at me and I laugh. I know that girl is still looking at me because James gives me the signal. We kind of have a signal when a girl looks at one of us. I know, it’s such a guy thing. But what can we do? The signal is two winks, with a raise of eyebrows. I just laugh knowing that the girl must be embarrassed, or maybe happy that she knows that I noticed.

  Hopefully my mom and dad don’t notice though, or I’m going to have that conversation all over again, about how that girl looks nice, and how you should see someone now Connor, or else you’re going to be lonely through university. Before, the conversation was to make sure I would use protection while having sex, which I did. If I didn’t, I would’ve had a child long ago, and I’m not sure it would be wise for me to have a kid at the age of eighteen. The girl hands us the menus, then eyes me for a second, then leaves. Moving her hips by the sides, making sure that I was looking. I totally was. I scratch the back of my head and just open the menu to see what’s good. Somehow catches my eye, and it’s not that girl who was here eyeing me. It’s my aunt and uncle. Great…

  I turn to see Aiden’s expression and he just rolls his eyes. My parents stand up first to greet them, and then James stands up. My aunt pinches his cheek, which makes me laugh. He’s the youngest of us, and so of course he’s going to get a cheek pinched. It’s then Aiden who gives my uncle a hand shake, and my aunt a kiss on the cheek. Then of course it’s me. I’ve been dreading this day, because I know they’re going to ask me how I am, and how I’m feeling ever since ‘the accident’. I stand up and smile at my aunt and uncle.

  My aunt comes up to me and touches my face, almost about to cry. I give her a hug as she kisses my cheek so hard, I think she made a lipstick mark. My uncle gives me a hug too, not a handshake like he normally does. I sit back down with my brothers and take a deep big breath. Ok, I can do this. Right? I can. I will. Hopefully…

  ………………………………………………………………………………

  After talking for what seems like hours, we have all ordered our food. Aiden has googled this restaurant on his phone, and he told me how it has good food, but it takes really slow to prep. Great. That’s what I need right now. Slow food, which means I gotta talk more with my aunt and uncle. My parents mostly have been talking with them, but I know it’s my turn to talk. My aunt takes off her scarf, and looks at me.

  “So, Connor. How are you?” She says smiling at me. My paren
ts give me that stare, meaning that I gotta answer back. Damn it. I just smile and put my fingers through my hair.

  “I’m great, Aunt Mary. Don’t worry.” I say in a happy voice, which actually is about to break soon. I can't really break my cover, showing on how much pain I kind of am right now. My head freaking hurts right now, but there’s nothing I can do. Mom’s purse it on her side, and so if Aiden helps me take it from her, she’s going to see it. I just try not to think of it, and just take deep breaths every minute. I don’t even know my uncle is talking to me until James is shaking my arm. Damn, am I deaf? I turn around to see my parents face in concern. Damn I’ve scared them. Great, just what I need.

  “What did you say, Uncle Jim?” I say trying to get myself back from reality.

  “Are you all right, Connor?”

  “Yes sir, don’t worry. I was just thinking of something I guess, and I wasn’t paying attention. I guess my brain is really messed up, isn’t it?” I say laughing, but no one laughs. I cough a little, knowing I’m an idiot for bringing up the brain thing. It’s not my fault. It’s not like it happened to someone else in the family. It happened to me, so it’s ok if I make a joke about it. I look at my napkin and unfold it to put it on my lap. I need to do something with my hands, and that was the only thing I could think of. I also don’t eat like a pig, and these are my good jeans, and so of course I needed something to protect while I eat. The food arrived just in time as I put the napkin on my pants. Thank God. I didn’t have anything to say after that stupid joke, so this is good luck for me. As the food comes, my mouth is watering. I ordered the gnocchi with tomato sauce and meat, and both of my brothers ordered hamburgers, while for some reason all the adults ordered fish. I guess fish is an old people food or something. I don’t really care though, the only thing I care about is getting this food into my mouth. As I put some pieces of gnocchi on my fork I’m about to put it in my mouth until I stop. Something has caught my eye, and I can’t stop looking.