Beautifully Torn

by Charity Parkerson

  Rocky’s feet seemed to stick to the living room floor. He couldn’t budge. Everything beautiful about his life fell apart around him and he was helpless. All Rocky wanted was to make Hudson well. Hudson was obviously at the edge of another breakdown and doubting their relationship and anyone’s ability to love him. Rocky hadn’t meant to hurt Jinx. He hadn’t been thinking.

  Hudson stormed back into the house. His face was red, and his features were hard. He pointed the still open pocketknife at Rocky. “What in the fuck did you just do? You knew he wanted to get married. You swore you never wanted that. How could you do that to him? To us?”

  Rocky made a helpless gesture. Everything was slipping through his fingers. “I just didn’t want you to doubt us anymore. You’re always gone and I—”

  “So this is somehow my fault? No. Just no. You’re right. I’m always gone, and it hurts me. My heart is always here with you two and it’s hard. I’ve never had the greatest mental health, but you knew that going in. What would’ve happened if I said yes? You just pushed him out—like he didn’t even matter. That was never supposed to happen.”

  Rocky couldn’t think straight. Everything hurt. “You told me to marry Jinx. Now you’re against marriage? Now I’m destroying us?”

  Hudson tugged at his own hair, as if the frustration of everything was too much. “Don’t you get it? I’m okay with being the outsider. Being with Jinx and you is all I need. I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me this is forever. All I wanted tonight was to feel all the love I’ve been denied the last six months. That’s it, and you drove part of us away. How could you shit on us like that?”

  Rocky felt completely powerless. Words failed him. One second, they had been on the verge of a great night. The next, they were here. As he looked on, Hudson found his phone and had it to his ear. Jinx’s phone rang on the coffee table. A roar tore from Hudson. He threw his phone so hard, it left a hole in the wall before crashing to the floor. His crazed gaze landed on Rocky. “I want you out.”

  Rocky opened his mouth. No words came out.

  Hudson shook his head. “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. I just want you gone.”

  Before Rocky could find his voice, Tito took his arm and dragged him toward the door. Rocky’s gaze stayed glued on Hudson. Hudson went back to pacing and tugging his hair. Rocky’s throat swelled to nearly closed. Outside, Tito forced Rocky to look at him. He snapped his fingers in Rocky’s face until he had his full attention.

  “Listen. You can’t help him right now. He’s in the middle of an episode. There’s nothing you can do. Being here is only making things worse. Let him get back on his meds and calm down. You can’t fix anything until then.”

  Rage and hurt had Rocky lashing out at Tito. “What in the fuck are you taking about?”

  Tito’s expression snapped closed. “You really don’t know, do you?”

  Rocky was on the verge of throwing hands just to let some pain loose. “Know what?”

  “Hudson is bipolar. He’s having a manic episode.”

  Rocky’s gaze shot to the door. He wanted to rush back inside.

  As if reading his mind, Tito kept a tight grip on Rocky’s arm to keep him from going anywhere. “You can’t help him. He’s upset, and until he figures out what over-the-top thing he needs to do to bring himself back down, there’s no way for you to force it. He’s off his meds. You cannot fix him. I need you to go.”

  “I can’t go,” Rocky said, practically screaming in Tito’s face. “He needs me.”

  “Jinx needs you,” Tito said, sounding completely calm. His steady voice brought Rocky back to reality. Jinx was out there somewhere, hurting and thinking Rocky planned to push him out. Tito was the best person to help Hudson. Rocky could work on fixing things with Jinx. Then the three of them could talk once Hudson pulled through.

  “Okay. You’re right. Go help Hudson. I’ll find Jinx.”

  Tito looked relieved, which didn’t make Rocky feel better. It only proved Tito was more worried about Hudson than he let on. Rocky watched Tito jog back inside. His eyes stung as reality came bursting through his walls like the Kool-Aid man. He bent at the waist and braced his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. Rocky didn’t understand what had happened. He had raced over here to have an amazing night with the men he loved. Now everything was gone. It didn’t make sense. All he knew was he had lost everything, and he was fairly certain it was all his fault.

  The Back Porch was an everyone-knows-your-name coffeehouse. Jinx hadn’t been there in a long time. Since moving in with Zayn, the place wasn’t as convenient, and Jinx had been busy. Now he didn’t know where else to go. He couldn’t go home. Hell, technically, Jinx didn’t have a home any longer. When Zayn had asked Jinx to come live with him, Jinx had given up his apartment. Between his mom’s life insurance money and not having any bills for nearly two years, Jinx had a hefty savings, but still. He didn’t know where to go.

  Until a few hours ago, most of Jinx’s things had been in storage. Now they were scattered throughout Hudson’s home. All Jinx had now were the things that had been at Zayn’s. Those were in the AMG Zayn had given him for his birthday. That sat in the parking lot of the coffeehouse. Jinx supposed that meant he could go anywhere. After all, he had lived without his stuff in storage for a long time. What did it matter if they belonged to Hudson now? Hudson and Rocky could enjoy Jinx’s old furnishings in their new life together... without Jinx.

  Jinx wrapped his fingers around his steaming cup and tried breathing through the pain. A tear slipped down his cheek. Jinx quickly wiped it away before anyone saw. He worried if anyone showed him an ounce of compassion, he would fall apart. Jinx couldn’t understand how he had been so blind. Everything made sense now. Rocky hadn’t made a move on Jinx until he could make a move on Hudson too. After all, Jinx and Rocky had lived under the same roof for months before he confessed to wanting to be with Jinx and Hudson. Jinx wondered how long they had been planning this. He wondered when they had planned to break the news to him. It would have been nice if one of them had said something before Jinx moved half his stuff to Hudson’s place. Now Jinx had nowhere to go.

  Jinx had a lot of questions. He would never get the answers, and that was for the best. Sometimes he could be pretty weak. That was probably why they had gotten tired of him and made a plan to push him out. Damn. He had been a huge fool. Hudson had talked Jinx out of Zayn’s house. All Rocky had to do was give him the final push from Hudson’s life. Boom. A new relationship without Jinx all tied up in a pretty bow. No ugliness of getting Jinx out of Zayn’s place after the breakup. He hadn’t known people could be so cruel.

  “Are you okay?”

  Jinx quickly averted his eyes as Wrecker, the shop’s owner, came to stand over him. He nodded while fighting the urge to swipe at his eyes. “I’m just plotting my next move in life.”

  Wrecker sat without invitation. It wasn’t like Jinx could complain. Wrecker owned the place. Jinx’s gaze slid the man’s way. He had gorgeous dark skin and beautiful eyes. They were like a lion’s. Mesmerizing. Jinx had heard the guy used to be a professional football player before opening this coffeehouse. He could see it. Wrecker looked like he could wreck someone.

  “Do you need someone to talk to?”

  A humorless bark of laughter burst from Jinx. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

  Wrecker nodded, looking understanding. “Without thinking too hard about it, say the first thing that would make things better right now in this moment.”

  Since Jinx had nothing left to lose, he said the first thing that popped into his mind. “I need a new life in a new place with a fresh start.” Some place he wouldn’t have to watch the loves of his life marry without him, Jinx silently added.

  Wrecker sat back and eyed Jinx for a moment before glancing around the room. His gaze landed on a couple in the corner. One guy was skinny and perfectly styled, wearing a suit that made him look like a pimp. His date had long blond hair and a
body that would make any gay man weep. Wrecker tapped his knuckles on the table. “Give me a second. I might have exactly what you need.”

  Jinx watched Wrecker cross the room and chat with the gorgeous couple. Their gazes turned Jinx’s way, and Jinx found himself staring at his coffee. He hated everyone knowing he was falling apart.

  After a few minutes of chatting, Wrecker returned. He sat across from Jinx. “Those are my friends, Brett and Roman. Roman moved here from Colorado after he fell in love with Brett, but he still owns a home there. If you really want to...” Wrecker’s gaze slid past Jinx’s shoulder. He visibly tried grasping the threads of their conversation. “If you’d really like to start over...”

  A familiar gigantic bald bodyguard blocked their table from onlookers as the chair beside Jinx suddenly became occupied. “There you are. Would you please listen to me?”

  Jinx swiped his hand across his eyes. “There’s nothing to say, Hudson. Please leave me alone.”

  “I have a lot to say,” Hudson shot back, obviously not intending to leave.

  “The man asked you to leave him alone.”

  At Wrecker’s hard tone, Tito ruffled. “Stay the fuck out of this.”

  Wrecker stood, going nose to nose with the Italian bodyguard—like Tito wasn’t inhuman in size. “This is my coffeehouse. I say who stays and who goes.”

  Jinx wished the floor would open and swallow him whole, but this was his mess. “It’s okay, Wrecker. I’ve got it.”

  Wrecker’s gaze slid his way. His features didn’t soften. “If you’re sure, I have customers.” He stared hard at Tito. “But if you need me, just shout. I’m not scared to put a man down.”

  Jinx’s embarrassment doubled. “Thank you.”

  Once Wrecker walked away, Hudson slung his arm across the back of Jinx’s chair. “That’s better. We need to talk, or rather, I do, so listen. I didn’t expect Rocky to do what he did, but it changes nothing. You told me you would marry me, and I bought a ring and everything. So why did you leave me? You’re supposed to be with me.”

  Jinx blinked. Hudson was too animated. His every word came out twice as fast as necessary. Jinx had to fight to keep up. He tried. “Look, I lived with Rocky for months before you two met and he never made a move on me. You didn’t want a relationship with me until you got to know Rocky. It’s obvious that I’m just in the way of you two wanting each other. I’m out of the way now. Go be with the man you really want.” The words ripped and tore at Jinx’s throat, slowly killing him. But Jinx loved Hudson and Rocky enough to get out of the way. Loving them was currently killing him.

  Hudson shot to his feet and climbed on top of the table. Tito did an amazing job of keeping people away while looking like this was an everyday occurrence. Jinx grabbed Hudson’s ankles, scared he would fall.

  “What are you doing?”

  Hudson dug a ring from his pocket and held it out. “You’re supposed to marry me.”

  Jinx worked hard to keep his jaw from hitting the floor. The ring was fucking amazing and Hudson was yelling at the top of his lungs.

  “Get off Wrecker’s table and we’ll talk about it.”

  Hudson shook his head. “Not until you say you’ll marry me.” Hudson glanced around. He pointed at Jinx and yelled at the other customers. “This is the man I want. This one. He said he would marry me when I retired. I’m retiring and now he’s trying to take it back.” Hudson did a little dance move as he met Jinx’s stare again. “I’m not coming down until you agree.”

  He was ridiculous, and it scared Jinx. Jinx rubbed Hudson’s legs. “Please come down before you fall, and I end up on the news as the guy who ruined Hudson Vincent’s career.”

  “I have no career. I told you, I’m retiring. So now it’s time to uphold your end of the deal.”

  Jinx ran his thumbs up Hudson’s shins. “Baby, you’re going to crash really hard soon. When was the last time you had your meds?”

  Hudson didn’t budge. “Say you’ll marry me, and you can take me home.”

  Jinx looked Tito’s way. “When did he stop his meds?” Jinx tried to keep their conversation as private as possible.

  “Halfway through the tour. He claims they interfere with his performance.”

  Hudson bounced on the table, pulling Jinx’s attention back his way. “You still haven’t answered my question.”

  Jinx’s chest hurt. He loved Hudson. Likely he always would. Even though Hudson was obviously having one of his over-the-top manic episodes, he wasn’t out of his head. He was just at the crest right before the fall. Jinx had been too hurt to notice earlier. Likely, by tomorrow, Hudson would be crippled by depression or not. Hudson didn’t always crash, but he might. Jinx had to get him back on his meds. “If I say yes, will you go home and take your medication?”

  “If you go with me.”

  Jinx nodded. He loved Hudson too much to let this go on. “Then yes. I’ll marry you.”

  Hudson let out a loud shout and leaped from the table. Thankfully, Tito obviously anticipated Hudson’s jump and kept him from getting hurt. Several people clapped when Hudson slipped the ring on Jinx’s finger before kissing him. Jinx’s heart melted as their lips met. He fought the urge to cry again. The night had been awful and heartbreaking. He didn’t know how to feel. Jinx wanted to marry Hudson. He wasn’t scared of Hudson’s issues, but things were still a mess. It was supposed to be the three of them. They were supposed to be convincing Rocky to live with them. Jinx didn’t know if Hudson’s marriage proposal was real or part of his uncontrolled disorder. Nothing felt right, but he believed in love. Right now, Hudson needed Jinx. Tomorrow, he would likely need Jinx even more. Jinx would have to figure out the future later. He didn’t belong to himself. Jinx had always belonged to Hudson. It was time to go to his new home.

  The mind was a terrifying thing. Hudson’s most especially. It was a prison with no windows or bars. Sometimes, his brain and mood turned against him, making everything a horrible nightmare he couldn’t escape. Despite that, he wasn’t crazy or dumb. He also wasn’t blind or deaf. Hudson saw and heard everything he did and said. He just couldn’t stop. After Rocky had left, Hudson’s mind had fixated on marrying Jinx. He had convinced himself that if he could achieve that, then he had found the holy grail of happiness. If he could marry Jinx, then maybe he wasn’t a complete piece of shit.

  Jinx was amazing, though. He took Hudson back home, and together they carried the last of Jinx’s things inside. With Tito’s help, it hadn’t taken long to get Jinx completely moved in. Jinx had given up a lot when he had gone to live with Zayn. He had sacrificed even more to be with Hudson, but at least he would have all his things in one place. Hudson was more than aware he was a complete mess. He wasn’t hallucinating this time around. At least, Hudson didn’t think so. He took his meds while standing at the kitchen counter and with Jinx watching. Jinx was right. Hudson would likely crash soon. He wanted to make love to Jinx before it happened. Maybe then Jinx wouldn’t leave.

  “I’m sorry.”

  A sweet smile touched Jinx’s face. “Please stop apologizing.”

  A wave of sadness washed over Hudson. He had a hard time keeping it at bay. “No. I embarrassed you. That’s not the proposal I planned. You deserve so much better than what happened tonight. I don’t even understand. We were supposed to be starting a new chapter tonight. I’m so fucking sorry.” Hudson’s voice broke. He was such a fuck-up.

  Jinx crowded his space. “Tell me what you planned for your proposal.” His smile was hard to resist. Hudson clung to that while trying to breathe through the pain. “Um, I rented out that French restaurant you like. The place with the three-month wait for reservations.”

  “Really?” Jinx sounded and looked happy.

  That kept Hudson talking. “Yeah. I planned to watch you order all your favorite things. Then, at dessert, the server was supposed to bring out a tablet with a video to show off all our highlights together.”

  Jinx held Hudson tighter and laughed. “Please
tell me the clip of you telling everyone to suck your dick on the Tyler show was in the video.”

  “Definitely.”

  Jinx laughed harder, and some of the darkness retreated. Hudson tried harder to stay afloat. “Then once I had you all teary-eyed, I planned to drop to one knee.”

  “That’s a good plan. Romantic. Well thought out. I don’t know, though. It doesn’t quite have the flair of standing on a table in the middle of a coffeehouse.”

  Hudson couldn’t resist any longer. He kissed the corner of Jinx’s mouth. “I’d do anything to keep you. I don’t care what people think. Only you.”

  “And Rocky,” Jinx said, holding Hudson’s stare.