It was like he was an expert at diversion, at guiding me away from topics I had a feeling he didn't want to talk about. Like his family.
"What do you need from me?" he asked as the city came into view. He drove too fast, weaving through traffic like a professional, but there was always tension in his body when he drove. Like he couldn't quite get comfortable with it, but if he had to do it, he would do it his damn way.
"Where are we going?" I asked, glancing over at him momentarily. His eyes seemed to glow in the lights shining off the dashboard, practically luminescent as he looked over at me. He held my eyes as an amused smirk crossed his face and then he turned back to the road.
"Angel's," he answered. My eyes widened, because I'd never been there before. Even before the kids, that had been out of Chad's price range and he'd never been one for dressing up. He'd hated the uniform he wore for work and always claimed that if he had to wear a monkey suit to work, he wouldn't wear one outside of it.
Ryker wore his suit like a second skin. Every inch of the suit was custom made to fit him, stretching over his muscles just enough to tease while still being entirely appropriate. There was no hiding that he was a beast of a man, but Ryker wasn't the type to hide who he was, anyway. He owned himself.
Dick piercing and all.
I swallowed as I glanced down at the way his pants mostly concealed what I knew was a massive cock, before darting my eyes away. I'd felt the piercing with my hand, but I still hadn't gotten a very good look at it. It seemed insane, since I'd had him inside of me.
Multiple times.
I'd felt enough to know what I was looking for when I went on google, and I had to say that wasn't an experience I wanted to relive. I had a feeling most cock piercings just weren't my thing.
But the frenum piercing was just right, subtle and sexy but rugged and hard.
It suited Ryker.
"That wasn't what I meant, you know?" he asked with a chuckle. I blushed, hoping he hadn't seen my wandering eyes. The amused look on his face made me think I probably hadn't been so lucky, but I pushed through it.
"What did you mean then?" I asked, staring out the window as the city streets rolled by one by one. Angel's loomed up ahead, looking stunning against the city backdrop. Like something out of a magazine.
"I meant to help you cope with what you learned last night," he said. The car downshifted as he moved to pull into the valet parking.
"I'm fairly certain there's nothing you can do to help with that," I huffed with a sardonic laugh. When the car came to a stop, he hopped out quickly. He ordered the boy away from my door, striding around it with confident steps to pull it open himself. Taking his hand with a deep sigh, I let him support me as I pivoted my body, and he pulled me out of the car.
"Come on, Sunshine. Let's get you inside," he whispered, rubbing his hand up and down the sleeve of my jacket as if he could warm me up through the fabric. He guided me to the front doors like that, and the valet driver pulled the Maserati away from the curb to make room for the other cars pulling up behind it.
Angel's was always busy, even on a Thursday.
Someone opened the door for us, and he guided me inside. I winced at the people waiting in the vestibule. The interior doors opened, and they allowed us inside to speak to the hostess. I noticed the interior was empty at the front aside from her and realized I was far beyond my comfort zone if people couldn’t even wait inside.
"Mr. Fiore. We've been expecting you. Right this way," the hostess said with a gushing smile. Ryker nodded to her, not saying a word as he assumed his gruffer persona that I occasionally saw him use with people other than us. I had to wonder about the differences in his personality, and if it was an active decision for him to be so varied.
As we walked, I noted the restaurant was pure Italian with a classic elegance that seemed familiar even if I'd never been there. "Will this be acceptable for you, Sir?" she asked, and I wanted to laugh at the thought of calling Ryker by such a title.
Of all the men I knew, Sir suited him the least. He was a brute, a meatball, and a criminal. Not a Sir.
"This will be fine," Ryker said, moving to my chair and pulling it out for me. I looked at him in surprise, but moved to sit as he tucked it in behind me. He did it so effortlessly, so fluidly, like he'd done it hundreds of times.
I wondered if it was part of his life with the Bellandis, but got the distinct impression that he wasn't one of the refined business members of the family. Whatever Ryker did for the Bellandis, I was certain it was less cultured. That left his childhood as a possibility for being so well-practiced.
He sat down across from me, giving me a reassuring smile as the hostess excused herself and a waitress appeared to fill our water glasses. "Can I interest you in a wine list?" she asked. Ryker rattled off the name of a Pinot Grigio I'd never heard of, but I didn't care about wine enough to contradict him. Aside from at Ivory's, I hadn't had a drink since before the kids were born, always fearing that I wouldn't hear them cry if I was in the deep sleep that came with alcohol.
I'd always been a lightweight, but I hadn't been quite that much of a lightweight before.
When the waitress disappeared, I opened my menu and focused on it. Even if my options as a pescatarian were limited, I wouldn't waste my first time at Angel's on a meal I chose at the last minute. The reprieve it gave me from Ryker's intense stare was only a bonus. "Do you come here a lot?" I asked him, and I tried not to imagine all the women he'd wined and dined there.
Probably while he stalked me.
"No. I've never been here before. The Bellandis own it," he said, looking up at me from behind his menu.
"Oh, is that why she knew you by name?" I asked.
"Yes, Sunshine. She knew me by name because it is her job to know all the Bellandis on sight." I didn't bother to argue that he wasn't actually a Bellandi. I'd seen and heard enough to know that they had their own family, their own hierarchy.
They may not have been family by name, but they were a family in every way that mattered. Ryker seemed determined to apply that kind of logic to the ready-made family he'd inherited along with me.
The waitress returned with our wine, pouring it all properly in that way I never did. "Are you ready to order?" she asked.
"She'll have the pasta primavera and I'll have the ossobuco," Ryker ordered, taking the menu from my hand and handing it to the waitress along with his. I blinked at him in surprise as she walked away, unable to believe he'd been so arrogant as to order for me.
"What if I didn't want the primavera?" I asked him.
He just stared back at me with an eyebrow raised, daring me to contradict him. I wanted to, but I couldn't think of one other thing I'd seen on the menu and considered since I'd been ready to order the primavera. It didn't stop it from being so strange or prevent me from realizing that Ryker was more than comfortable displaying the intimate knowledge he had of me and my preferences.
I already knew about the stalking, so what harm was there in coming clean about it?
I sighed, shaking my head. Tears stung at the back of my throat, but I pushed them down. I couldn't show it, not in that restaurant and not in front of Ryker. Not after my breakdown the night before.
"This will break me," I whispered. "I can't handle this. How can you expect me to just be okay with this?"
"I don't want to break you, Tesoro," Ryker said, and there was an ache in his voice, as if the thought of seeing me broken would break him too. There was so much I didn't know about Ryker, so much I'd never cared to learn because I'd thought the situation with him would fizzle out and we'd be free to return to our lives in time. But something in that tone called to me, like I could feel the place of pain it stemmed from. "I just want you to bend a little for me."
"Right. Just for you," I scoffed.
"You just need to be more flexible," he said pointedly, and my cheeks flushed.
"Hilarious." I knew it was a reference to my yoga and the time he’d spent watching me. I needed th
e yoga to ground me, to keep me sane in a situation that was anything but. "You want me to bend about something that isn't right. How am I supposed to deal with this?" My voice dropped to a whisper before I continued. "You-you watched me. You touched me while I slept-"
"Hey," he said, stretching that ridiculously long arm of his across the table to grab my chin and tilt my face up to look at him. "Not like that. Never like that."
"And I'm just supposed to believe you?"
"I would never hurt you. You can question some things, but never question that, Sunshine." His voice hardened, like he was warning me against something that shouldn't have had to be said.
I was in some kind of twisted relationship with a man I didn't know, who had stalked me for years and wouldn't let me dump his crazy ass. My life had been so normal, and it all changed the moment Chad died.
It made me hate him just a little, that whatever business he conducted with the Bellandis had come back to bite me in the ass. Not him, but me.
I was the one paying the consequences for his decisions.
"I don't understand what this is," I said quietly. "You're taking me on a date like I matter. You claim the kids are yours now, but you aren't giving me a chance to even get to know you before you shove this down my throat. You can't expect me to just want to be with you overnight."
"Why not?" he murmured, his hand landing on my thigh from where he sat on the adjacent side of the table. "I knew I wanted you the first day I saw you." I clenched my eyes shut, hating the reminder of how insane our attraction seemed to be.
I wished I didn't feel the same, that I hadn't felt that inexplicable pull to him the first time I'd seen him in the park. I wished I hadn't been so easy to convince to spread my legs for him because I felt that same attraction he spoke of.
It made me feel weak. Like my body betrayed me and made what my brain knew was not the right decision for me.
It didn't seem to care.
Just like the way heat poured off his hand and sank into the bare skin of my thigh seemed to inch its way up to my center and stroke me as efficiently as I did when I masturbated. A hand on my thigh was all it took to make me shift in my seat.
"I need time," I whispered to him.
"I gave you a year," he said firmly.
"You gave me a year to grieve. I'm not asking to grieve Chad. I'm asking for time to adjust to whatever this is before you put these ridiculous expectations on me." The words sounded pained as I said them, and I realized the truth in them. I really wasn't asking for more time to grieve for my husband. He was gone. If nothing else, the way Ryker treated me showed me I'd put my marriage on a pedestal that it never should have been on. When Ryker was at the house, he always played with the kids or helped Axel with his homework. He would make dinner or help with the dishes, giving me soft touches here and there when I was near him like he couldn’t resist the pull to touch me. There’d never been a time when Chad reacted to me that way, or had done any of the things Ryker did to help.
He’d come home, ate, and crashed on the couch with his phone in hand.
As insane and creepy as he was, Ryker treated me and my kids far better than Chad ever had.
There was something to be said for that realization and how it shook me to my core. I'd welcomed Chad into my life, dated him willingly for giving me less, and I still pushed Ryker away. His stalking and intrusive tendencies gave me a convenient excuse, but I still didn't know how long I could hold out where our relationship was concerned.
By the time our food arrived, I was an emotional mess. I did my best to hide it, but the reality of my relationship with Ryker and the fact that I felt like I might develop an attachment to him and the way he treated my kids was enough to drive me insane. It felt like he’d turned my life on its head.
He was a criminal. A murderer. A stalker.
I didn't know if I could look past that, no matter how he treated me.
"Tesoro," he whispered, dropping his fork and taking my hand in his. "One day soon, you'll have a very clear understanding of what your place in my life is. But I can see that you're shaken, and you aren't ready for me to ask you just yet. I still have one thing left I need to do before I can ask you, but I want you to think about what you need from me. What you need to know to move forward from here."
I nodded like I understood, but I didn't.
I had no clue what he could want to ask me, and I couldn't let myself think about it too hard.
At least not if I wanted to stay sane. I went back to my primavera, even if it seemed tasteless after Ryker's oddly vague statement that felt like it should have been a revelation.
But I was not going there.
Ever.
Twenty-Nine
Calla
I didn't have an enormous family. I'd never had cousins or siblings or anything beyond my one aunt. There had never been a ton of adults to play with me at family get-togethers.
Seeing my son run around on the grass of the Bellandi estate as the men chased him felt surreal. So much attention fixed on him, so much of what any onlooker who didn't know better would call love.
I knew it couldn't be. Everyone but Ryker had only met him a couple hours prior, but there was no mistaking the joy on Axel's face. There was no hiding the way he flourished under all that attention. He squealed when Enzo hauled him up into his arms and tossed him over his shoulder as he ran away from Lino where he chased them. Next to me, Samara watched and held her stomach. I remembered what it was like to be pregnant and to look forward to all those little moments.
I knew what it was like to take them for granted once they came, because the stresses of everyday life took from those precious times. It made me not see them for what they were. Watching my son laugh when Ryker stole him from Enzo was one of those moments, somehow meaningful even if I didn't understand how it could be.
Ivory turned to me, dropping Luna into my arms gently so I had no choice but to grasp her hips and tuck her into me. With her propped up on my hip, I tried not to look down at the little baby face that stared up at me, but when she grabbed a fistful of hair, there was no choice. I swallowed. I would swear I could feel my ovaries pulsing with the desire for another baby, but I was not ready to go there.
Probably not ever.
Luna gurgled at me, and I knew from conversations with Ivory that she was almost six months. "Hi," I said awkwardly.
I would not go into baby love mode.
I would not go into baby love mode.
She laughed up at me, and I felt the smile take over my face.
Shit.
"I hate you," I said, turning my attention to Ivory. She chuckled warmly, patting my arm as if she understood exactly how I felt. She couldn't possibly. Her baby was still a baby.
My first baby was six, and my youngest was already two. It felt like my heart tore out of my chest every day when I realized how much time had passed and that I would never get to relive those years with them. It went by too quickly.
"He's so different with you. With them," Ivory said pointedly, her eyes on the boys in the field. Even Matteo and Scar had joined in on the fun, though they'd taken to sitting at the edge and picking flowers out of the flower bed with Ines instead of running around. My daughter sitting with Matteo Bellandi and picking flowers from his immaculately groomed property was both terrifying and awe-inspiring. He’d cut the thorns off the roses before handing them to her, meticulously grooming the stems so they’d be safe for my girl to handle.
The juxtaposition between the sweetness of the action and the horrifying sight of the monstrous knife he pulled from his pocket only added to the conflict inside me.
That knife had probably cut people.
I turned my attention away from them to focus back on Ivory. "What do you mean?" I asked, bouncing Luna and making funny faces at her while she giggled in that hilarious way that only babies could ever achieve.
I dared anyone to not smile in the face of baby laughter.
It was impossible.
/> "I've known him for a while now, and he's always quiet. Reserved. He doesn't speak much, and when he does, he just says what he needs to say and that's it. Blunt. To the point," Ivory explained.
"I worried for you a little, when Lino told me that Ryker wanted to claim you. I always thought he was cold, ruthless. They all are to some extent, but not with us. I wasn't so sure that Ryker could shift to another personality. I didn't think there was another personality with him," Samara admitted, rubbing a hand over her belly. She finally looked at me, and there was a serene smile on her face. "But there is. He is more than I ever could have dreamed of for you."
I shrugged. "It's nice that he treats us well."
"But?" Ivory asked.
"Does it matter? With everything he's done, the stalking and the spying, and taking away my choice? I don't know if I can ever get past that." I said, and Luna seemed to realize that we weren't having as much fun as her. Her little fist came down on my chest, demanding my attention. Ryker saved her from having to continue to fight for my attention, racing over from the yard to snatch her out of my arms and put her on his shoulders. His T-shirt rode up just a little, flashing his abs to all of us as he reached up to support Luna's back before he turned.
She clung to his hair so tightly I knew it must have hurt, but giggled when he trotted through the grass to join in on Ines' flower picking. "I swear that man's muscles have muscles," Samara giggled.
I snorted a laugh, because they didn't have the first clue.
"You had sex, didn't you?" Ivory asked, and I bit my lip in humiliation. I didn't want to admit that I'd given in so easily, but it also seemed like these women were the closest thing to confidantes I would have if this would be my new life.
"We did," I admitted, and they both squealed excitedly. I shushed them furiously, wincing when Ryker's gaze came over to us knowingly. The others seemed to pick up on it too, roaring with laughter as they patted Ryker on the back like he'd won a war. "I fucking hate men," I whispered.
Grieved Loss: A Dark Mafia Romance (Bellandi Crime Syndicate Book 3) Page 21