"You want to marry Mommy?" he asked, chewing his bottom lip. I'd known it would be difficult for him to give me his permission, given the fact that he remembered his father. He remembered that he had a dad, and he knew that while it would never be my intent or Calla's, in some ways I would take his place. I wanted to be a better father to him than Chad had ever been, but it didn't change the fact that he'd existed. I didn't want to force that memory away from him, both for his sake and Calla's.
I knew the kids giving their permission would ease the way with Calla in terms of getting her to marry me. She'd worry about them first and foremost, and with them showing their support she'd have a lot less justification to her objections.
"Yeah, Little Man. I want to marry her," I said, keeping it simple as I let him think over what that would mean for him.
"What about my Dad?" he asked, his voice going so sad that I couldn't help but sigh.
"He's still your Dad, buddy. I know you love him. I just want to make the three of you happy and take care of you. I won't make you stop loving him or make you call me Dad. If the day comes that you want to do that, then that's great. But I can just be Ryker if you want. Even after your mom and I are married."
He nodded as he thought it over, and I watched his little brain work. "My Dad wasn't a very good father," he said, and my heart broke at what the acknowledgement seemed to take from him. "And he wasn't very good to Mommy," he whispered. He was too young to recognize that, to have to see the way his father had kept Calla at a distance. It made me wish I'd been the one to kill Chad after all.
"No. He wasn't." The words were honest, probably too blunt for how young Axel was. "But he was still your father."
"I didn't see it when he was alive, but I see the way you look at Mommy. It's different. He treated her like a problem. You treat her like she's the answer. No matter what the question is." I clapped a hand around the back of his neck, tugging him in and touching my forehead to his as rage filled me.
Rage that Chad had been so obvious in his disinterest for Calla that their insightful son had seen it at five fucking years old.
"The three of you are everything to me. I love your mommy, just like I love both of you," I said, swallowing against the emotion in my throat.
"Love you," Ines piped up, throwing her weight into my side.
Axel sniffed back his urge to cry, seeming to need to stay strong as he made a very big boy decision for his mom and their future. "You can marry her, as long as you promise that you love her."
"I promise, Little Man. There will never come a day when I don't love your mother."
"Mommy!" Ines squeaked, leaping out of my arms to race to Calla as she stepped out the door from the pool room. Axel and I stood as I discreetly tucked the ring box back in my pocket. We made our way to the girls, one grinning happily and the other narrowing her gaze on me.
I had no clue when I'd ask her or how. I'd wing it. With Calla, I never knew what each day would look like. Who knew when my Hellcat would come back out and dig her claws into my ass?
"What were you three talking about?" Calla asked, suspicion in her voice as she ran a finger through her wet hair.
"Just enjoying the sunshine," I answered before Ines could open her adorable little mouth and likely ruin the surprise. If I waited too long, I might have to do something drastic, like buy her a pony, to bribe her into secrecy.
I wasn't opposed to the idea, even if I knew nothing about horses.
How hard could it be?
Thirty-One
Calla
As soon as the top strap of Ines's bathing suit snapped into place, she looked up at me with terror-filled eyes. “It will be okay, Princess. Mommy and Ryker and Axel will be with you the whole time.”
I watched the gears turn in her little face, wondering how she could get out of swimming since she so desperately didn’t want to go in that pool. But Ryker had declared that it was time to push her to face that fear.
For once, I agreed with him. She needed to know how to swim, especially if we lived in a house with a massive pool.
“Want call ‘yker, Daddy,” she murmured, and I felt my face pale. It wasn’t the first time she’d expressed her confusion over Ryker’s place in our lives, and I couldn’t blame her.
Even I felt confused.
“I don’t know how to answer that, sweetheart,” I whispered as I knelt in front of her. “It’s complicated, but it’s a big decision. I can’t tell you how to feel about Ryker.” I paused, watching her lips purse as she stared up at me. I knew she didn’t have a clue what I was trying to tell her. How did one explain to a two-year-old that the man who acted like her father, wasn’t her father? He hadn’t been in our lives long enough to earn that title.
At least not that Ines knew about.
“Just know that it’s a big step. Think hard before you say those words, okay?” I asked. When she nodded and scrunched her nose up in concentration, I stood and held out a hand. If nothing else, I hoped our little moment would distract her from her fear.
But her feet didn’t budge, holding firm when I tried to guide her out of her bedroom. With a sigh and a smile, I reached down and scooped her into my arms.
She clung to me, desperately, as we made our way down the hall and stairs. Long before the pool even came into sight, she tightened her grip and held on for dear life. By the time we walked into the humid pool room, I’d already begun to second guess my decision that I needed to push her.
I never wanted my girl to be scared, and I definitely never wanted to cause it.
“Maybe this wasn’t a good idea,” I said, trying to ignore Ryker in favor of staring at my son. I knew without a doubt, that if I looked at Ryker with water dripping down his chest, my libido would flare to life.
I always wanted to wrap myself around the meatball like I was spaghetti.
And I’d officially traumatized myself with that thought.
“She’ll be fine, Sunshine,” he said, that deep voice finally drawing my eyes over to him. It made no sense. I’d seen him in less clothing than swim shorts. I’d seen him naked, for shit’s sake, even if I hadn’t examined his body. It wasn’t like it needed a microscope to get the overall picture.
But something about him standing in the pool with the water lapping at his abs as he walked toward us made my body sing.
Why hadn’t we ever gone for midnight swims?
How did one man make water droplets look lickable?
I set Ines to her feet, knowing from the previous year that if she walked in on her own it was less traumatic for everyone involved. Going down a few of the steps, I sat there and patted the space next to me for her to join me.
Sitting on the steps seemed easy enough, and it hadn’t been an option in the little pool Jason had set up for me the year before.
“Come on, sweetie. Just come sit with me. That’s all I want from you today,” I murmured, keeping a bright smile on my face.
She shook her head at me, backing up a step as if I might reach out from the pool and drag her in.
Ryker stepped up to the edge of the pool, holding out his arms dramatically. “Come on, Princess,” he said. “I won’t let you fall.”
She watched him, not moving for a moment before she looked at me. Her face was conflicted, as if she could feel how much it would kill me to have my daughter choose Ryker over me in that moment. Still, I smiled and nodded her on. “Go on, Ines.”
Stepping forward slowly, she let Ryker gather her in his arms and step away from the edge. He held her high enough that only her feet touched the water.
Standing from the steps, I dove into the water and let the pressure drown out the threat of tears. When I surfaced, Ines had water up to her knees as Ryker led her deeper and deeper slowly.
Axel seemed to take pity on me, coming up and wrapping his arms around my stomach so he could hug me tight. “She told him she loves him,” Axel whispered, and I knew without a doubt he didn’t want Ryker to hear our conversation. My boy was to
o smart not to notice that Ryker and I never said the words to one another, especially if the kids had said them to him.
“And what about you, Cookie Monster?” I asked, booping his nose as I forced a smile to my face. “Have you told him that?”
“Not yet,” Axel said in return. “Have you?”
“Have I what?” I grinned, hoping to all that was holy that he was not asking me that question.
“Told Ryker you love him. I know you do. Everyone sees it when you look at him, at least when you aren’t angry,” he laughed. “You never looked at Daddy like that.”
I didn’t ask what look he meant. I didn’t think I needed to. Even I knew there was a difference between how I felt for Ryker and what I had felt for Chad.
Ryker was scary, not just because he was a serial killer and a stalker, but because of the way he turned me inside out and somehow reassembled me to feel more alive than I’d ever been before.
It seemed I wasn’t the only one so deeply affected by him. Ines had been speaking little bits here and there when Chad died. “Love you,” had been one of her favorite phrases.
I couldn’t remember her ever saying it to Chad. Not even once.
Glancing up as Axel moved away, Ines leaned her belly over his arms and happily kicked her legs as he led her around the pool. I tried not to feel that hurt, focusing instead on the result. My daughter was in the pool, smiling and giggling without a care in the world thanks to Ryker.
As I grabbed the floaties for her arms off the ledge of the pool and stepped over with a smile to slide them onto her arms, I decided that was all that mattered.
I wouldn’t change that smile for anything.
✽✽✽
The feel of weight covering me suddenly jarred me from my sleep with a shriek of terror. When my eyes opened in the unlit room, I could barely see anything. Just a shape looming above me, curling me underneath him. But I knew that body, I'd know it anywhere.
I knew the way he smelled, and I knew the way he felt when his skin touched mine.
"Ryker," I whispered, touching his shoulder gently. He jerked away from my touch, but never stopped cradling me underneath him. "Ryker, what's wrong?" I asked him, feeling his body jerk from side to side as if he was being struck.
But the room was silent except for his panting breaths, except for the deep shudders that shook his body as if he was being torn from the inside out.
"Ryker!" I yelled to no avail. I smacked at his shoulder gently, trying to draw his attention from whatever distressed him, but there was no response.
No sign that he was even alive, aside from his breath on my hair and the way his body moved. His hand grabbed my wrist, pinning it to the bed beside my head and holding me there. The other was pinned next, and I bucked my hips to shift his weight off of me. But he was so fucking heavy that I didn't stand a chance of moving him. Especially not if I didn't want to hurt him.
And I realized with sudden clarity that I didn't. All thoughts I'd had of stabbing him in his sleep had passed, and in reality hadn't even been real. I could never hurt the giant beast of a man who cradled me like he had to protect me from whatever haunted him. When his face shifted a little closer, I realized his eyes were closed, pinched shut as if in pain.
Asleep.
Ryker was dreaming, and the pain on his face meant it was something terrible.
"Ryker," I whispered again, a low sob sticking in my throat. I wanted to help him, wanted to pull him from whatever tormented him, but I also knew that to wake him would risk him hurting me. I knew he would never forgive himself.
"No!" he yelled suddenly, his body shifting to cover mine completely as his entire frame vibrated as if he was being struck. "You can't have her. Not her." I stilled, wondering if he dreamt about someone hurting me.
Or if there was a woman who mattered more than I did.
If I thought it sweet that he might protect me in his dreams, it tore me apart to think he might dream about protecting someone else.
His grip on my wrists tightened, near the point of bruising but never crossing over that threshold. "Not her," he murmured brokenly as his weight collapsed.
With the full force of him on top of me, I couldn't breathe. Couldn't get air into my lungs as he crushed my chest. "Ryker!" I wheezed, pinching the skin of his side so harshly that he finally woke up. He vaulted off me, falling off the foot of the bed and caught himself just before he could hit the ground.
By the time I scrambled to my feet and turned on the light, he was sitting with his head in his hands. I touched his shoulder gently, wincing when he shrugged me off and surged to his feet. His eyes searched me, and I realized quickly that he was inspecting me for injuries. Checking to see if he'd hurt me. "I'm fine," I said to reassure him. "You didn't hurt me."
His eyes landed on the reddened skin of my wrists, grabbing my hand and lifting it to look closer. "This isn't hurting you?" he asked.
"It won't even bruise, Ryker. It's nothing." I stepped into his arms, wrapping mine around his waist as best as I could as my face buried in his chest. "Talk to me."
"Talk to you about what?" he grunted, clearing his throat as he stepped out of my hold. His blue eyes were hard, cold as he looked at me.
Completely closed off. Such a contrast to the way he normally treated me, even when he wasn’t speaking. It made me flinch back as a sharp pain struck my chest.
"Your nightmare. You said not her. Who—?"
"Not tonight, Calla," he growled, heading for the door to the bedroom. "Go back to sleep."
"Ryker!" I called, wincing when he stormed out and closed the bedroom door behind him. I glanced back at the bed and the mussed sheets, contemplating if I wanted to sleep alone.
He'd said we would sleep together from now on, but he'd also left me at the first hint of trouble for him. I should have known better.
And I still didn't know if there was another woman. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I needed him to talk to me to do that.
Deciding there would be no sleep for me, I grabbed a robe and wrapped it around myself. As I passed the office, I heard Ryker working himself to death in the gym, but I ignored him in favor of going downstairs for a drink of water. When that was done, I curled up on the couch with a movie on the television.
Maybe I'd sleep.
Eventually.
Thirty-Two
Ryker
It was safe to say that Calla was mad. She hadn't even woken up when I'd picked her up off the couch and brought her back to bed, irritated beyond belief with myself that I hadn't been able to just talk to her. But in the wake of my nightmare, it was all too easy to push her away.
I regretted pushing away the gentle affection she'd shown me. It had been progress; her showing that she cared about me even if she tried to fight it. I just had to hope that I hadn't done too much damage.
Having to leave to go stalk Tiernan Murphy seemed even worse than it had the day before. I should have stayed home with Calla and the kids and worked to draw her out of the funk that had taken hold. I didn't know if it was because I'd refused to talk to her, or if she genuinely felt threatened by whatever I'd done to her in my sleep, but she kept her distance to the best of her ability.
I had known something was wrong when Calla woke up before me and immediately started cooking crepes. Not that she couldn't cook, just that she hated mornings. For her to wake up and sneak out of bed before me was unheard of, and while I'd definitely appreciated the berries and cream crepes she'd made, I'd have gladly taken the smiling Calla I'd had with me over the weekend.
But like always, my past barged in and fucked everything to hell.
I kissed her tense, unwilling mouth, curling my fingers around the back of her neck to hold her still. "Try not to destroy the furniture while I'm gone, Hellcat," I murmured, a grin toying at the edges of my lips.
She didn't return it, didn't bother to call me an asshole or give me a mocking glare in response. Things were worse than I'd thought.
&nb
sp; "I'll be back as soon as I can," I said with a sigh. I'd already said goodbye to the kids, and I hated to think of the fact that Dante would drive them to take Axel to school. While he had his own security who watched over him when he was there now, I didn't think Calla would be pleased if I suggested that she stay home while his security, Celio, took him.
She might rip off my meatballs.
"Bye," she said sternly, grabbing her purse off the hooks near the entryway. "Come on, you two!" she called. Dante strode out past me with a look full of condemnation and terror. I knew the man was not looking forward to the day he had ahead of him dealing with an angry charge.
I left the Maserati for Dante to drive, and he looked like a kid in a candy store as he hopped in the driver's seat. As much as I hated the thought of someone else driving my baby, I didn't have much choice.
I'd needed him to bring my sedan for stalking. Calla raised her brows at me when I climbed into the nondescript car, and then her face twisted with more fury. I didn't understand what was so wrong about me taking an unfamiliar car, but there was something about it that only worsened her mood.
Fucking great.
As much as I loved her, I was ready to move forward. Ready to get past the distrust and the anger. My patience was at an end, and that meant that if Calla thought I'd been pushy before, she had another thing coming.
I drove out of the gate first, pushing the sedan harder than it had been designed to go in my anger. I was also too comfortable driving my Maserati that handled the speed like a dream.
Tiernan's home was on the other side of the city, within the small territory the Irish controlled with Matteo's permission. It was only seven in the morning when I pulled up a few houses down and turned the car off. Far too early for the man who worked late into the night to be up and moving around. I didn't expect to see much for a few hours, so I settled in to look over the dossier Don had given me on Murphy.
Grieved Loss: A Dark Mafia Romance (Bellandi Crime Syndicate Book 3) Page 23