‘Oh.’ I blink. Have I been rumbled? ‘I think my brain’s just feeling a little full, that’s all,’ I say. ‘Dancing, schoolwork, you know? It’s all a bit full on.’
‘Ooh, on that note—’
‘Oh God.’
‘What?’
‘You seem excited, why do I get the feeling this is going to be something that’s going to make me want to bury myself in a hole and die?’
She snorts. ‘No, no, this has nothing to do with my exam-results-collection performance,’ she says with a wink. ‘I had a call from Mrs Finch. She’s a delightful woman, not at all icy and demanding, so breezy.’
‘Mum . . .’ I warn.
‘Tell me I’m wrong,’ she says with a grin. ‘See? You can’t. She’s awful. Wouldn’t let up until I gave her all the dates I was free from now until the end of eternity. But we have a meeting in, so that’s going to be fun. We’ll braid each other’s hair, drink milkshakes, talk about which boys we like and then we’ll discuss your future and why she thinks I’m a terrible mother for letting you choose your own path.’ She sighs a contented sort of Disney Princess sigh. ‘We’re going to have such fun.’
I shrug. ‘Rather you than me.’ I kiss her on the cheek. ‘Goodnight, Mum.’
With Mum working tomorrow night, I can go to Entity again. Just for a little while, to see Kaye, get a few more tips and be back before Mum. Maybe this time Natalie can come with me. It was fun on my own, don’t get me wrong, but it’s definitely less awkward to be in a bar with friends. This is turning out to be a tiny bit perfect. First stop Entity, next stop the world.
TWENTY
I wake up to messages from Connor that I don’t want to respond to.
Robin?
Robin, I’m sorry.
Can I see you later?
I ignore them, having a quick breakfast with Mum before heading out to school. I can still feel the excitement of last night buzzing around my body, even if I did stay up a little too late watching drag performances on YouTube. I can feel myself soaking it up, falling further and further down the rabbit hole.
‘I can’t believe I’ve been here for a whole three seconds and you haven’t asked me about Dragcellence yet,’ I say to Natalie as she steps out of her door.
‘Christ, are you going to be this unbearable always?’ she says. ‘If I’d known I was going to turn you into some kind of monster I wouldn’t have got you to come to Dragcellence in the first place.’ She’s grinning broadly and deliberately withholding her interest.
We start towards school and I can feel the tension bubbling up in me, the excitement. I want to freaking explode.
‘Come on, Natalie, you’re killing me,’ I say.
She laughs. ‘Fine, fine, fine, how was Dragcellence last night? What you sent me looked incredible.’
I take a deep breath. ‘It was amazing. So different to last time. I wish you’d been there.’
‘Who knew Southford had such a glittering drag scene on a school night?’ she says. ‘I wanted to come, I really did, but the whole family were there and, frankly, I’m the best one. The night would have been a disaster without me.’ She shrugs. ‘It is such a burden being me sometimes. So, how was everything with Kaye? She didn’t try and smuggle you into the back of a van and sell you for MAC Cosmetics, then?’
‘Clearly,’ I say. ‘She was great. She introduced me to the other girls and then she let me watch her paint. It was honestly amazing.’
‘How does she do it?’
‘Totally different to what I do,’ I say. ‘I mean, she had her own way of doing it, which I guess is the point, right? You look at how everybody else does it and then you figure it out for yourself. Like, figure out what works for your face.’
‘Which is why you’ve been painting every night ever since we got your make-up,’ Nat says. ‘Does she have a name yet?’
I shake my head. I’ve been writing ideas down whenever I think of them, little notes in my phone or in the back of my notebooks, but nothing has screamed out to me.
‘Maybe when I see her fully done up I’ll know it, but right now I can’t figure it out.’
She shrugs. ‘I’ll start thinking some up.’
‘OK, and I’m sure Kaye will help if I ask,’ I say. ‘I’m going back tonight.’
‘What?’
‘And you’re coming with me!’
‘Robin—’
‘It’s fine, she invited me back,’ I interrupt. ‘There isn’t a show or anything, but she said she would help me learn how to paint my face. So, I’m going and you should definitely come because if Kaye paints me I am going to be devastatingly beautiful and I need someone else to see it so I don’t forget.’
‘Baby, I love how excited you are over all of this, but I can’t drop everything and come to Entity tonight,’ she says. ‘Holly and Eric from my law class are coming over to work on a presentation which counts towards our final mark . . .’ She trails off and takes a steadying breath. ‘I still need to get the grades for uni. It’s important to me.’
I nod, trying not to let university talk get me down. ‘You will! Queen Mary awaits!’ I say as brightly as I can. ‘And I’m sorry – I’m just trying to throw myself into this. What if this could be the thing for me next year?’
‘Maybe you don’t need a thing for next year.’
‘Of course I do,’ I say. ‘Come on, you’ve got Queen Mary, I’ve got absolutely nothing without LAPA.’ I try not to let the mood drop, try not to let that horrible feeling take over me. Try to take Kaye’s advice and get out of my own way.
Natalie looks at me and opens her mouth, but quickly closes it and faces forward, keeping her gaze on the direction we’re walking in. There are words dancing around her head trying to find a way out.
‘What?’ I say.
She takes a breath. ‘Don’t take this the wrong way.’
‘Why do I get the feeling I’m about to?’
‘Do you not think you’re getting maybe a little bit obsessed?’ she offers.
I don’t know what to say. This was her idea in the first place. I never would have even gone to Dragcellence if it wasn’t for her. She was desperate for me to do drag and now she’s changing her mind?
‘Look, maybe obsessed is the wrong word, but you’ve gone from obsessing about your musical-theatre course—’
‘Obsessing?’
‘As in being upset about it—’
‘Because I didn’t get in anywhere and everyone around me is going to university, Nat,’ I say. ‘I’m terrified about not having anywhere to go in September and feeling like a total failure.’
‘I’m glad you’ve found something that makes you happy, OK? I really am,’ she continues. ‘But don’t you think it’s a bit much to go three nights in a row?’
‘No.’
‘OK,’ she says flatly. ‘I’m just worried, that’s all.’
‘About what?’
‘We don’t know Kaye,’ she says. ‘We don’t know what she wants or what she’s getting out of this and I don’t want her to end up hurting you or anything, OK? That’s all I’m saying.’
‘Then come with me,’ I say. It’s not an invitation, not really. My voice is shrill and I can feel myself going on the defensive. It’s more a challenge than anything else.
‘I can’t,’ she says. ‘Give me a couple of hours to work tonight with Holly and Eric, and I’ll get rid of them and you can come over and we’ll catch up. We’ve not had a proper girls’ night, just you and me, in ages!’
‘Good morning!’ Seth chirps, jogging to catch up with us.
‘Morning,’ I say, my voice cracking. Which is great. I love that for me.
‘It’ll be fun,’ Nat says. ‘Promise.’
‘I know, but Kaye invited me back and I want to go.’ ‘You’re going back to Entity tonight?’ Seth says. ‘Can I come?’
Natalie looks at him sharply and then back to me.
‘I mean, sure,’ I tell him, turning to Nat. ‘Come on, you were worried
about me being alone there, now I’m not alone. Seth will protect me.’
‘It will be my honour,’ he says.
‘I’m going straight from school and have my bike so—’
‘That’s OK,’ he says. ‘I’ll drive and meet you there.’
I look him up and down. ‘You have a car?’
‘Is it automatic?’ Natalie asks with an eye roll.
‘Hyyyyyyydromatic,’ Seth replies obediently. ‘It’s at my grandparents’ house, but I can go home and drive to Southford. I’ll probably end up beating you there.’
‘Is that a challenge?’ I ask.
‘Maybe,’ he says. ‘Though I don’t know what the winner gets.’
‘I have to get to registration,’ Natalie says as we make it to the front gates. ‘So do you, Robin – wrap this up.’ She starts walking away. ‘Bye, Seth.’
‘You really want to come?’ I say.
Seth puts a hand on my arm and I immediately stop talking because he’s knocked all the breath out of me.
‘I’ve said yes, Robin,’ he says. ‘I want to come. Drag stuff interests me, so I want to see it. And it doesn’t look like you’re messaging me any time soon so . . .’
Ah, crap. Rumbled.
‘Kaye said to get there for five so come for then, and I totally meant to message you, but—’
‘Cooper! Registration! I can feel myself ageing.’ Natalie is standing over by the school entrance.
‘Thanks,’ I say to Seth. ‘Are you heading this way?’
‘I’m that way,’ he says, pointing off towards the science block. ‘I’ll see you later.’
‘Bye, Seth.’
He walks away and I can’t help but watch him go. I hate that I’m getting caught up in this.
‘Cooper!’
I jump and run to catch up with Natalie.
I practically sprint out of school at the end of the day, pedalling as fast as I can so I can get home, get dressed, pack my make-up and get to Southford. When I get there, Seth is walking up to the doors of Entity. He’s had time to get changed into something different, a casual tee and a pair of dark jeans. He even looks like he’s done his hair, or at least had a shower. He had loads of time and I’ve just ridden here like a total maniac.
He looks at his wrist as I approach. ‘You took your time.’
‘Do you want to come with me or not?’ I ask, feeling incredibly sweaty and hideous next to him.
‘Yes, of course, sorry,’ he says, but he’s smiling. I like that I make him smile. My heart does a little flip. Calm down, Robin. Calm down.
I knock on the door and Kaye quickly appears as his boy self.
‘Good afternoon,’ he says, looking from me to Seth. ‘Who’s this? Bodyguard?’
‘No.’
‘Boyfriend?’
I wish.
‘No,’ I say, perhaps a little too quickly.
‘I’m Seth,’ Seth says, reaching out a hand to shake Kaye’s. Kaye takes it with the tips of his fingers and curtseys.
‘Charmed,’ he says. ‘OK, boys, come on in.’
He leads us into Entity, grabbing us a couple of cans of soda on the way past the bar before guiding us upstairs to the dressing room.
Seth’s eyes are wide as he looks around, reading the messages written on the walls, breathing the whole place in.
‘This is amazing,’ he whispers.
‘Speak up, boy. You’re allowed to give compliments to my home,’ Kaye snaps, still smiling.
‘I was just saying that it’s amazing in here,’ Seth says. ‘Those messages on the wall, was that one from Raja?’
Kaye nods and smiles. ‘Ah, we have someone with a keen eye and a pretty face,’ he says. Seth’s cheeks turn a little red. ‘Raja came here many, many moons ago.’ Kaye turns to me. ‘Winner of—’
‘Season three of Drag Race, wow,’ I say. Raja was here. Natalie is going to die!
‘Well, she came along, did a few numbers.’ He sighs and looks wistfully off into the distance. ‘Wonderful, wonderful queen. Of course, this was while I was still a baby so I didn’t look nearly as beautiful as I do now. Even people who are completely stunning look like trolls next to Raja. I looked like a troll who’d been dragged out of a bin.’
‘I’m sure you looked fantastic,’ Seth says.
‘Flattery will get you everywhere, dear boy,’ Kaye says with a smile. He turns to me. ‘Now, let’s get you painted, shall we?’ He glances back at Seth. ‘Are you here to watch?’
‘Yeah,’ Seth says. ‘I’m a huge fan of drag. I used to go to loads of drag shows in London. Yet to see a night here though.’
I look at him and smile. He likes drag, he likes me . . . Shut up, Robin.
‘You’ll have to come down. We put on a fantastic show,’ Kaye says. ‘Bring him next time,’ he says to me. ‘He’ll love it.’
‘You really will,’ I say, wishing I had the courage to ask Seth out, to take him with me to somewhere like this, to anywhere, really.
We set ourselves up at Kaye’s workstation and he grabs me my own mirror. I take out my make-up and let him go through it. Seth takes a seat nearby.
‘This is good stuff to start with,’ Kaye says. ‘The makeup you use doesn’t have to cost the earth – it’s just about what you do with it. Don’t feel like you need to go out and buy an influencer’s palette because you think it will make you look beautiful. Skill makes you look beautiful – the product just helps. Do your research.’
He starts to paint me, only doing half my face, me trying to pay attention to every step so I can follow him, repeating what he is doing on the other half.
‘Wow,’ Seth breathes next to me. I’m painfully aware of how close he is to me.
‘What’s up?’ I murmur as Kaye paints on an eyebrow. It’s not how I normally do my brows, it’s how Kaye does his, and the arch is high and severe. I look sort of domineering and powerful in a way that I don’t achieve when I do my own make-up.
‘It’s amazing,’ Seth says. ‘Like, it totally changes your face. If I saw you in the street, I don’t think I’d recognize you.’
‘I am not going day walking,’ I say. ‘Please, in Essex? I’d be killed.’
‘Carry yourself like a queen and you will be treated as such,’ Kaye says. ‘Though even I wouldn’t day walk and I’m many years into the game. Get an Uber. It’s radical self-care.’
Seth laughs and I start to laugh too, but Kaye takes hold of my head to keep me still. I screw up the eyebrow, and I mean I really screw up the eyebrow. It looks nothing like Kaye’s at all.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I say, looking closely at the mirror. ‘This is awful, it’s—’
‘They’re sisters, not twins,’ Kaye says. ‘I mean, this is more of a really distant cousin, but don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s a new look for you. The eye is good.’ He grabs my head and turns me to face Seth. ‘Look at the work he’s done on that eye – they are practically identical and stunning.’
We’ve used pinks and purples from a cheap palette I got from the drugstore. They’re not super pigmented so we’ve really had to work to get the colour out of them, but it looks good. I mean, really good.
Seth smiles. ‘It’s . . . it’s really amazing,’ he says, looking closely at my eyes.
‘Say more things, Seth. I may not have to use blusher at this rate,’ Kaye says.
‘No, I mean it. You look so, so beautiful,’ he says. ‘I mean, not that you didn’t before, but this is obviously a . . . I mean it’s different – it’s . . .’
There’s a loud banging downstairs.
‘Well, this is beyond rude. Who the hell could that be?’ Kaye asks, letting go of my head and interrupting what is probably the best moment of my entire life. I could kill him.
‘What?’ I ask.
‘I’ll go get the door. You do the lip while I’m down there.’
‘What? No, I’ll wreck it!’
Kaye rolls his eyes. ‘Fine.’ He turns to Seth. ‘You do it.’
�
��OK.’
‘OK?’ I repeat. ‘Have you done this before?’
‘He’s following a line that I’ve already done, not defusing an atomic bomb,’ Kaye says. ‘I won’t be long.’
Kaye vanishes out of the room, the door swinging open and inviting in the smallest snippet of Britney Spears before slamming closed again. But for the muffled sound of the punters downstairs, the room is silent and I am staring at Seth.
‘So,’ he says. ‘Do you want me to do it or not?’
‘I feel like if I say no Kaye will have me kicked out of here,’ I say. ‘So yes. Do it. Please,’ I add quickly.
It’s not just the nerves about Seth doing my lips – it’s how close he is going to have to be to do it. He picks up his chair and turns it round, the back of it facing me. He grabs the lip pencil and takes a seat in front of me, leaning his arm on the back of the chair.
‘You’re going to need to stay still,’ he whispers, his voice coming out a little gravelly.
‘Duh.’
‘Which means no making snarky comments,’ he says.
‘Rude—’
‘What did I say?’
‘Sorry.’
He raises his eyebrows at me and I pull a fake zip across my mouth.
‘Much better,’ he says.
He’s so close to me I can feel his breath on my face, and I’m staring into his eyes while he draws a careful line around my lips, overdrawing them just like Kaye has on the opposite side. He has the most beautiful eyes. They’re sort of sparkly, even in the limited light and the longer I look at them, the more I think I could probably look at them forever and never get bored.
He grabs the brush that Kaye used and puts the lipstick on my lips, careful to stay within the lines, biting his bottom lip as he concentrates. Once he’s topped it off with the gloss, he looks up into my eyes and I wonder how long Kaye has been gone and whether or not she’ll be back in a second. There is a part of me that doesn’t want her to come back at all because my eyes are locked on Seth and it feels like something is about to happen.
‘You really are beautiful,’ he whispers.
I shrug. ‘When I’m like this, sure.’
‘No,’ he says. ‘I mean it. You are beautiful, Robin.’
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