by L. B. Dunbar
“I want you, too.” He shifts to his side, and I turn my head to face him. His lip crooks, and he kisses my shoulder. “I think I’ll always want you.”
The words startle me and shoot right to my heart like an arrow on a mission. I don’t know how to respond. I think I’ll always want him, too. I brush away thoughts of the distance between us and the impossibility of being with him for always.
“What made you decide to come to the wedding?” It’s quite the grand gesture to show up unannounced.
He chuckles. “I heard you needed your hair done.”
I laugh with him. “I’m kind of a mess right now.”
His fingers comb into my hair, brushing it back from my face so he can clearly peer into my eyes. “This is my favorite look on you.”
Gah. This man. “Charmer,” I tease.
“Hmm, let me see how else I can charm you.” He leans forward for my jaw. When he nips at the juncture between my shoulder and neck, I’m totally charmed.
+ + +
We make love in the bed, and neither of us misses the fact that it’s different once again. We’ve been rather wild and reckless but this, this is slow and purposeful. Soft hands caressing skin, and fingers lingering to outline bodies. Long kisses and deliberate movements. I come undone in a way I never thought I could while we take our time with each other. A new deal is sealed, at least for me.
I’m in love with this man.
Hook, line, and sinker.
The next morning, we agree I need to make an appearance at the send-off breakfast.
“One cup of coffee, and then we flee.” Giant laughs, but I’m serious. I don’t want to share him with my family, not yet, and I only have him until Sunday afternoon.
My sister Dayna and I look nothing alike. While I’m dark featured, she’s light, and she greets me with all the falseness of a nosy Nelly, which is what she is when it comes to Giant.
“And who is this tall drink of water?” she flirts, and I want to smack her hand when she goes for Giant’s chest. Fortunately, he intercepts it and makes an awkward show of forcing her to shake his hand instead. “Well, my, what a grasp you have.”
Giant slips an arm around my waist and tugs me to his side. “I’ve been told it’s all the better to hold an ax.” He jiggles me against him, and my sister flushes, not understanding the private joke. She’ll never know the strength of his hands, though. Not on my watch.
“Come. Meet Hudson.”
Giant’s face wrinkles in disgust, and I interject. “We’re only having a cup of coffee, and then I’m going to show Giant the city.” He claims he’s been here once or twice, but he’ll see it through new eyes with me as his guide. Navy Pier is our first stop.
While I’m hoping to escape Hudson, I can’t escape my mother or Uncle Frank.
“Cassandra Pierson, meet George Harrington.” Giant doesn’t correct his name when he meets my mother and the Southern charm pours off him.
“A pleasure to meet you, ma’am.” Mom is easily impressed. My mother is a smaller woman with bleach-blond hair to cover all the grays, cut in a sharp bob coming to her chin. She wears a surprised smile while she shakes Giant’s large hand.
“George Harrington,” Uncle Frank interjects. “Your name sounds familiar.” He pauses a moment. Frank is your typical Italian-looking mafia man minus the mafia. He’s loud and brutally frank. “You’re quite the big guy, aren’t you?” Frank makes a muscle with his arm and aims it toward Giant as if he should be impressed. Then Frank realizes something. “You’re that property we lost.” Frank’s eyes shift to me and back to Giant.
“Actually, I wasn’t lost. Letty found me,” Giant murmurs, tugging me into his side once again.
“Damn shame. Olivet, here, cost us a big deal,” Frank continues, ignoring Giant’s attempts to be sweet and lessen the awkwardness. My eyes close a second, but Giant gives me another squeeze. Please don’t blurt out the dollar amount, I whisper in my head as Frank is famous for oversharing.
“Some things are more important than making a deal, sir,” Giant corrects.
“Like what?” Frank scoffs, and Giant’s mouth opens again to speak, but my mother steps in.
“Now Frank. It wasn’t her fault. You know she only had one thing on her mind.” My mother turns to me, and I hold my breath. Oh God, she wouldn’t. “The baby.”
Giant stiffens at my side, and it’s my turn to clutch at him. My fingers fist in the back of his shirt.
“Right, another foolish idea of yours,” Uncle Frank agrees. He shakes his head and looks up at Giant. “What do you think of this baby business? Adoption.” He scoffs as though it’s a dirty word.
“I think Letty can do whatever she pleases, sir,” Giant says, surprising all of us. Mom’s brows rise while Frank crosses his arms.
“Indeed,” he says, like the British man he’s not. He doesn’t agree one bit with Giant’s assessment. In fact, he disagrees wholeheartedly as does my mother.
“It was a pleasure to meet both of you. If you don’t mind, I need some coffee. I don’t function well without it,” Giant mutters, his voice struggling to remain level instead of rough. He’s saving all of us from an awkward confrontation. My mother laughs, agreeing that coffee is a necessity in life, and points us in the direction of the carafes on the buffet. I follow Giant who has released his hold on me.
“Please let me explain,” I mutter through tight teeth as I come up next to him while he pours a cup. He offers it to me.
“Oh, I intend to hear every bit of this story,” he hisses, and the rugged edge to his tone returns.
+ + +
After taking an Uber to Navy Pier, we begin a leisurely saunter along the old Naval pier. Restaurants line one side until the carousel while the right side is open to the lake—reminiscent of an ancient shipping dock. As we stroll, I feel as if I’m doing the walk of shame, minus the sex and last night’s clothing, but I have nothing to be ashamed of. I jump right in.
“It all started with Hudson. We weren’t really going anywhere, and I think in my heart of hearts, I knew we would never marry. I wasn’t in a rush until, suddenly, I was. I wanted a baby when I hadn’t really entertained the idea beforehand. Because a baby solves everything,” I mock myself. “Hudson didn’t want children. When he finally told me he never had any intention of us marrying, something snapped.”
I swallow back the pain. Not at losing Hudson but at the cruelty of what he did. He made me false promises. I brush a hand through my hair even as it continues to blow forward in the wind. Giant walks with his hands in his jacket pockets. It’s a brisk day for October. There’s more gloom than sunshine, and the cloud cover presses down on me like this history.
“I’m forty, and I didn’t see the prospect of getting married to anyone else. The loss of Hudson was more than losing a man. A worthless man, I might add. I lost a dream, or so I thought. Marcus and his partner had begun trying to adopt, and it sparked the idea I could do it on my own. I needed this for me.”
I keep my eyes forward, not risking a glance at Giant, fearing his judgment like all the rest of my family.
This is insanity. You can’t raise a child alone, my mother said even though she’d done the very thing herself. Then again, my uncle stepped in to help her out. Where was the family loyalty when it came to this decision for me?
“In vitro with sperm implants seemed too complicated and a risk at my age. I’m not too old to have a child, but I didn’t want to wait for things to take. It could have taken months or years, which I don’t have. There are so many children who need a parent now, and adoption seemed more immediate…” My voice drifts as I recall all the babies I’ve seen in and out of the Bundle, a private adoption agency on the Northshore. “I just wanted someone…for me.”
I blink away the tears. My sister is on her second marriage. She has three growing sons she hardly deserves. Did I mention the irony that Hudson hates children? It didn’t seem fair some days, but I don’t want to be jealous. I don’t want what sh
e has. A superficial first marriage. A business arranged second one. Empty relationships with her sons.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His rugged voice is full of sympathy instead of anger, and it’s almost worse. I don’t want pity. I want someone to be excited for me.
I shrug. “It isn’t something I could easily bring up. Hey, while you teach me to throw an ax, I wanted to tell you I’m adopting a baby.”
He snorts, and I look over at him. He squints into the distance before us. “So when do you get the baby?”
“I don’t, actually.” I swallow the lump in my throat. I’d been passed up again right before I went to Georgia. Maybe it’s another reason I did what I did. The spontaneity of a trip. The uninhibited sex with a stranger. The total release of all the hurt feelings inside me. He turns to peer down at me.
“What happened?”
“I didn’t make the cut. It isn’t that they aren’t willing to give me a baby as a single mom, but if a married couple comes forward or ones with more financial stability, they take precedence.”
He’s thoughtful a moment, his brows pinching. “Why’s that?”
I shrug again. “Money talks. Everyone has their price.” I choke on the words. Giant stops, and I take another step or two forward before I spin to face him.
“Is this the reason you wanted the land?”
My shoulders fall, and I look away. “I needed the commission. Adoptions costs money. If I had a little more, I’d look financially secure. The sale of your land would have garnered a sizable kickback for me, as well as secured a position as partner within my uncle’s company. It’s all about providing a stable home.” I shake my head. “It doesn’t really matter anymore,” I say, masking the truth. I’m heartbroken once again, but I tell myself it isn’t my time yet. I smile weakly, looking up at him. “There’ll be another baby, another day.”
I turn to continue walking, but Giant stops me with a hand on my upper arm. “Wait a second. This is important. You should have told me.” Irritation roughens his voice, and he looks genuinely pissed.
Here comes the breakup.
“Why, Giant?” I stare at him. Are you sorry you came to Chicago now? Do you want to take back all the amazing sex we had? Do you want to renege the sensation we both felt as we made love last night? “It isn’t a great conversation starter.” I’m teasing, sort of, but the truth is, it isn’t something I easily share. This adoption business—as my family carelessly calls it—is really important to me.
You can’t do it as a single woman.
You shouldn’t do it as woman without more means.
Who would want to be a single mom?
I would. Willingly. And I’m tired of defending myself. It’s no one’s business but mine. That’s the point. A baby. For me.
“Letty, you should have told me about the money.” His voice remains rugged.
“And what could you do about it? Sell me your land?” I pause, exhaling in frustration. “I don’t want it.” It’s not about the land, per se, but the money, and I don’t want either from him.
With a puzzled expression on his face, he states, “We could figure something else out.”
I laugh without humor. “No.” For some reason, I see the wheels turning in Giant’s eyes, which makes me both uncomfortable and ridiculously hopeful, but I don’t want to rely on someone else. That’s the point of this adoption. A baby. For me. Someone who needs me. For once, someone who needs me.
“Why not?” he snaps, his voice returning to mountain-man Giant.
“Because I’ll figure it out on my own.” I always do.
He steps forward and cups my shoulders. “But you don’t have to.” He stares down at me, but I don’t know what he’s saying. It would be too much to hope he’s saying all kinds of things I shouldn’t assume.
“You’re sweet.” I give him a genuine smile, even if it’s only half my lips. He is sweet, and I bet Giant Harrington is the type of man to take care of things, to fulfill obligations, and stick where he doesn’t want to be stuck because he thinks he’s doing the right thing.
“I’m serious.” His voice deepens, irritation remaining.
“So am I.”
He nods, but disagreement fills his eyes. He doesn’t let me go. His eyes grow serious and sharp, peering down at me while his hands slip to my shoulder blades. “I’m here for you. You can talk to me. I’ll do whatever you need, but I need the truth.”
He’s right. There have been a few too many secrets between us, but could I have laid all this on him after only three nights of amazing sex? I wouldn’t have thought so, but I should know better. Everything with Giant has been different.
My lips purse as I fight a smile, risking a little more of myself. “The truth is, I like you, and I didn’t want to scare you away. A baby screams commitment, and that’s not what I’m after. But thank you. If you’re willing to be my friend and stick around for some moral support, I’d love to have you be here… well, not here here, of course, because you live in Georgia…but here for me.” The reality hits me. He doesn’t live nearby, and he won’t be close enough to help me, but I don’t want to lose him. There’s so much more I’ve left unsaid. So much I couldn’t dare to ask of him.
“Okay,” he says softly, his voice the lowest I’ve ever heard. He tugs me to him, holding the back of my head as I take a deep breath with my cheek against his chest. He kisses the top of my head before sliding me to his side, keeping his arm around me, and walking us forward. I’d like to think the steps are metaphorical. We’ll go forward together—as friends—long-distance friends, with benefits, lots of benefits, but a niggling feeling tells me I might lose him for good once he leaves this time.
19
Just friends. My ass.
[Giant]
Friend? I don’t want to be her fucking friend. I don’t know how to define us—her—but friend is not my intention. I want her as my lover, as a partner, as a…I can’t even consider something more. I shouldn’t think it. But my heart jumps around like a monkey trapped in a cage, rattling the iron bars in hopes of release.
It could happen again, Giant, my mother said a few days before I left for Chicago as if her sixth sense, Mom-powers already knew something was out there. Someone.
Friend is not what I want.
We continue down the pier, the wind blasting around us as I prompt her to tell me more despite her initial protests. She explains how adoption works.
“It’s very scary. A biological parent could come back and demand his or her parental rights. I don’t want any issues. I just want a baby outright.”
I hold her tighter to me, but I don’t feel close enough. My gut twists with the reality of her financial situation. She assures me she’s well enough off and dismisses the commission once again, but I want to help. I just don’t know how without offering her thousands of dollars, which I know she won’t take from me.
We leave Navy Pier and travel to see The Bean where we take tons of selfies. I don’t typically take a lot of pictures on my phone, but we smile and kiss and act silly. Finally, I have her phone number, and I save an image of just her to the contact. A photo of us becomes my new background.
From Millennium Park, we travel to Willis Tower, formerly Sears Tower, and wait in a long line to go to the observation floor with the Sky Deck, a room hanging off the tower with a see-through floor. Letty goes inside the three-sided glass box, trembling from the height, and peers out at the steel jungle of buildings. It’s nothing compared to being on a mountain ridge overlooking a natural landscape.
“I could never live here,” I blurt, realizing too late it’s a bit insensitive.
“Why not?” she asks, her voice small as her eyes remain on the skyscrapers and rows of houses below. Chicago is very grid like.
“Too many buildings, too close together. I need space.”
Letty stands before me, my arms around her, trapping her against the glass with her back to my front. She nods as though she agrees with me, but she does
n’t say a word. Does she like living here? Would she like us to be closer? Would she continue to see me? Would she consider moving?
The last question surprises me, but I instantly realize I’d love to have her in the mountains with me.
“The mountain,” she whispers.
“It’s also the brewery. I’m in charge.” I don’t work for my dad. I’m the boss. I’m a forty-nine percent owner doing one hundred percent of the work.
Letty’s head softly rests on the glass, and she rolls it back and forth. “I know that.” Her voice is too quiet for someone who has talked almost the entire day.
My stomach grumbles, and Letty shifts to glance at me over her shoulder. A soft chuckle slowly restores her disposition. “What was that?”
“I’m hungry.” It’s true. We grabbed a Chicago-style hot dog, one steamed by a street vendor with no ketchup allowed, and ate as we walked to the Tower, but I need something more substantial. “Would you be upset if I wanted a couch and a television set?”
“I think I can provide that,” she teases. “Ready to head home?” A smile forms on her seductive lips, and I give her a too-short kiss. A moment later, I register what she said.
Her home. Here. A long way from mine.
“I can’t wait to see it,” I assure her.
+ + +
I shouldn’t be surprised, but her place is another closed-in space. A condo on the fifth floor in a building surrounded by concrete. It’s funny how I can sleep in a tent, but this wouldn’t work for me. It’s cozy, but I’d be claustrophobic here.
We stopped back at the hotel to retrieve our bags and then took another Uber to her place. She hasn’t driven me anywhere, and it’s a foreign concept. I love to drive my truck.
“So food?” she says, clapping her hands. “I don’t have a campfire handy, but I’m wicked good at using this.” She holds up her phone and jiggles it. “Delivery?”
I stare at her.
“What are you hungry for? We can order in anything you’d like.”