by L. B. Dunbar
“It’s okay to love her, Dad.”
I stare at my girl. When did she become such an adult?
“I really fucked up here, Ellie Belly.”
She chuckles at the long-gone nickname. “Well, unfuck it.”
I should admonish her for her language, but instead, I just laugh. She steps up to me, and I open my arms, pulling her into my chest and kiss the top of her head.
“Dad,” Sarah softly speaks, and I glance over Ellie’s head to see her sister hesitantly looking back at me. I release one arm, holding it open for her. As Sarah walks into the embrace, I can’t remember the last time I held them each close, held them collectively like this. I shudder to think when it might have been. Ten years ago.
“I like her,” Sarah says, giving her stamp of approval.
“I like her, too,” I repeat to my younger daughter. “In fact, I think I love her.”
Sarah pulls back from the hug with tears in her eyes as she glances up at me. “It’s about time,” she whispers.
Time to move on.
+ + +
“Are you going to be our Mimi?” Kali asks, and I drop my fork. Letty nervously chuckles from her seat at the dining table.
“No, sweetheart.”
My stomach drops next. Why not? Why can’t she be their grandmother? Would she not consider marrying me? Both thoughts bring me up short. A bigger thought is why am I thinking such a thing.
“Oh,” Sarah says, glancing from Letty to me. “Oh, I misunderstood.”
Letty finally looks at me, concern in her eyes, before gazing back at my youngest daughter.
“I thought—” Sarah stammers.
“Okay, time for dishes, waffle ears,” Ellie announces, cutting off her sister. The girls stand from the table, and the little ones follow. Letty picks up a plate, but Ellie reaches for it. “We wash if he cooks.”
“Sounds like a good plan. I need to pack anyway.” Her voice sounds as distant as she feels from me.
Ellie stares at Letty. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I live in Chicago.”
“Chicago?” Sarah squeaks. “That’s like a thousand miles away.”
“Exactly,” Letty states with a chuckle. “If you’ll excuse me a few minutes.” She disappears down the hall to my room, and my eyes flip from my girls to the hallway.
“Chicago?” Sarah questions again.
“Dad, go unfuck this,” Ellie growls.
“What’s unfuck mean?” Kali asks, and Ellie groans.
“Something your father needs to do often, but don’t mention it to him.” I should chuckle, but instead, I follow my daughter’s advice and head for my room like a petulant child about to have my favorite toy removed from me for life.
25
Invisibility cloak malfunction
[Letty]
I start out folding and end up rolling my clothes into a ball before shoving them into my bag. The bedroom door opens and closes behind me, but I don’t turn to him.
Suddenly, I’m bitter and resentful when it isn’t his fault. He has everything I want. He fell in love. Got married. Had children. Works a dream job. Has a mountain retreat. His life is…perfect.
“Cricket.”
The nickname makes me bristle, and I close my eyes, blindly forcing my clothing into my open bag. Two hands land on my shoulders, and I stiffen.
“Please. Please, don’t be like this.”
“You made me invisible again. You made them invisible.” I spin to face him.
“What do you mean?” His face is stricken, and anguish fills his eyes. He really has no idea. “Hudson used to do this. Treat me like I wasn’t present. People would be surprised to learn he had a girlfriend or to discover we lived together.” I pause, drawing in a deep breath. “How could you do this? You lied to me.”
“I…” He closes his lips as quickly as opening them. “I omitted.”
“Same difference!” I snap. Hudson omitted telling people he had a girlfriend. He didn’t acknowledge my opinion or decisions. He forgot to tell me he never planned to marry me. I turn away from Giant again, but he stops my restless packing by wrapping his arms around my chest, pinning mine to my sides. His front to my back, I don’t want to melt into him, but I want to melt. I close my eyes once again, encouraging myself to stay strong and hoping my tears won’t fall. I’m too angry to cry.
“I didn’t want to share you with them.”
“Don’t you mean them with me?” I mutter to the window before me, noting the mountainous view. My heart breaks a little when I recall our time up on the ridge.
“No. That’s not what I mean.” He spins me in his arms and holds my shoulders again. “I didn’t want to share you with anyone. Not yet. You’re mine. Not mine as in possession, but as in just for me, and selfishly, I wanted to keep you all to myself.”
“That’s bullshit. I met your family this weekend.”
“My siblings. My parents. But my girls…it’s different.”
There are so many things I want to sling at him, but I bite my lip. His girls should be the most important people I meet, but maybe that’s why I haven’t met them. Maybe he didn’t want me to ever meet them. An introduction would be another crossover between me and his past.
“I didn’t know how they would react, and then I didn’t want their reaction because I knew it didn’t matter. I wouldn’t give you up, no matter what they said. Then they surprise me and like you, which shouldn’t have been a surprise because you’re amazing. It’s just been strange for me...”
“Because this is where you lived with Clara, and now I’m here.”
“Yes. No,” he says, his brows lifting. “I don’t know.” His tongue-tied chatter could almost be endearing, charming even, but I’m no longer looking to be charmed by him.
“I don’t intend to replace her.”
“That’s not it. That’s not it at all.” He tugs me as he walks backward until he slumps down to sit on his bed. His hands come around my lower back, trapping me between his open thighs. “I-I loved my wife, Letty, but she was nothing like you. I don’t want to compare the two of you because you are both unique women, but Clara and I, we fell into a routine. We fell into silence, and then she got sick. I…I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m not explaining this right. All I know is you come along, and you’re just life to me, Letty. Noise and energy and just everything I didn’t know I was missing. It isn’t that I don’t want you here. It’s that I don’t want you to leave. Ever.”
My hands come to his shoulders, hating how much I want to hold him. How much I love the feel of him under my palms, and how much I want to believe him.
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I think I’m in love with you, and I don’t want you to go home.”
“Giant,” I begin, looking up and around this room. “You can’t even make love to me in this room. Her picture is jammed in your dresser. She’s all around you.”
“No, no, Cricket,” he says, lowering his head into my stomach.
“I can’t stay here,” I whisper. “I need to go home.”
He’s already had all I’ve been longing for, and the last thing he’ll want to do is do it all over again. And I don’t want to settle for jumping in midship. I want to fall deeply in love, get married and have children. I’m selfish, I guess.
I push back at his head and cup his jaw to tip his face up. Leaning down to kiss his lips, I intend to keep it tender, but the moment our lips touch, his mouth opens, devouring mine with tongue and teeth. We gnash and spar and nip until I need to pull back before I give in. Before I let him take me on this bed where he can’t make love to me.
“I…I think you’re pretty amazing, Giant Harrington. The best.”
I step out of his embrace, allowing our fingers to be the last connection before releasing him. Then I return to packing, keeping my back to him. I won’t let him see the tears because crocodile tears have no place in this bedroom any more than I do.
+ + +
“Letty, may I see you in my office?” Uncle Frank’s tone warns me, and a cold ripple runs down my spine. It’s been ten days since I saw Giant. Ten days since his first email and I worry Frank has broken through the intra-net and scoped out the letter.
Cricket,
I spent long periods of time without talking to people. Times when I wasn’t allowed to communicate. I can be silent and quiet and still, but you make me restless, and I want to talk. You aren’t speaking to me, and I’m unnerved by it. I miss your voice. Your chatter. Your laugh. I miss the beat of your heart and the warmth of your body next to mine.
I’m not an expert with words, so I’m going to ramble here. Bear with me a bit.
When I was eighteen, all I wanted was to join the military. I wanted out of my town, away from my dad and his business. Pap understood. I was quiet and large and not good at much. Clara was similar. Shy, bookish, and interested in me. I was shocked. Pap was not. He told me she was a good woman, but I needed bigger things.
The CliffsNotes version is this. I enlisted. Clara went to college. We eloped. I went to basic training and was deployed. Home on leave, she got pregnant. Motherhood was what she wanted more than anything. Another tour. Another baby. I’d moved up the ranks. Pap warned me I was going too far and gone too much. I didn’t know how to explain myself. I didn’t know what I wanted. I wasn’t certain I could come home. Then he died. I got shot months later and didn’t have any choice. I was surly and upset, suffering from PTSD and guilt. Clara stood by me. Then she got sick. I stood by her.
I don’t want to romanticize us, Clara and me, but I don’t want to defame what we had either. On the other hand, you’re special to me, different, and I felt guilty. For wanting your wild nature and craving it. Guilty for knowing the sensation of being with you—inside you—and having it be some of the best moments of my life. I miss your touch. I miss your kiss. I miss the way you look at me as if you see me and understand what I need. You’re the opposite of me, yet we mesh.
You’re always on my mind and in my heart, Letty. I want us to work, and I know we can.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth about them. I’m sorry I didn’t tell them about you.
I’m just sorry.
Please come back to me.
All my love,
Giant
I’d read it so many times I have it memorized, yet I still haven’t responded. A new email came every day after the first. He told me more about his girls, about their lives, and then he told me about the brewery. I cried each time I received one.
“Uncle Frank.” I address the only father figure I’d known since childhood. My mother’s brother has been a pillar of support, but it doesn’t mean I’m close to him. Dayna is his angel. I’m his disappointment.
He motions for me to sit in one of the two chairs across from him. His large modern desk of glass on a metal frame is cold like his demeanor toward me.
“You’ve been different these last few days,” he begins, folding his hands over something on his desk. “More focused. More driven.” I’ve thrown myself into the job I finally admitted I hate as a means of distraction. Determined to get any commission and convince the foster system I can be a parent has become my new goal. Seeing Giant with his children opened my eyes to one thing—I don’t want to miss out on the things I want most in life, even if I do them in a slightly backward manner.
“We’d like to send you to Tennessee to look at a property. Securing it will make up for the loss in Blue Ridge.”
Nothing in the world can make up for the loss I feel from that town. I miss Giant like crazy, but I’m too stubborn to give in and respond to him. He lied to me. He kept his children from me. He kept me from them.
“What are the specs?” I halfheartedly listen as my uncle drones on, knowing I’ll review the material later before attending the meeting. My thoughts drift to Giant and almost hitting him with my car. His sweaty, broad back. His muscular, sculpted chest. The hair leading lower.
“Olivet,” my uncle snaps. “Are you listening?”
“When do I leave?”
“Tomorrow.” It’s a Thursday.
“I’m good to go.” I stand and reach for the folder I assume holds the necessary information. It’s a small area in the Smoky Mountains, not dissimilar to Blue Ridge. It’s also only an hour or so from it.
Country roads…take me to the place I belong.
26
Emails and phone tales
[Giant]
Eleven fucking days.
This woman is torturing me, yet I know she’s reading my emails. Knowing her, she can’t possibly ignore them even if she’s ignoring me.
We had the longest ride of my life when I drove her to Atlanta later that fateful Sunday. Silence heavier than a ton of snow from the mountain filled my truck. I didn’t know what to say, and I admired her conviction not to speak. Not a word.
Eventually, nearing the airport, I pulled over and parked.
“Say something,” I begged.
“I don’t know what to say.” She hugged her purse to her chest the entire hour ride as if it was a life preserver holding her afloat. “Lying is the one thing I can’t handle, Giant.”
That ex of hers was a fucking idiot to cheat, which is a lie, and I’ve done something similar. Only my heart is hers.
“I want to see you again.”
“I don’t know,” she replied, her voice falling lower. Her lip trembled, and she bit the corner. I reached for her chin, forcing her to look over at me.
“You’re so far away,” I whispered. She kept her distance, and I didn’t like it. For a woman who followed my lead or made me go with the flow, her stiff demeanor rattled me. “I don’t want you to leave.”
It wasn’t fair of me to ask her to stay. Even after all I learned.
Charlie helped me investigate adoptions in Georgia. I wanted to ask Letty if she’d consider moving here and adopting here, so we could be closer and see each other more often. It was a selfish thought. Asking her to give up her home and job was a lot, and then…my girls. I didn’t mean to hide them. I meant what I said. I didn’t want to share her. Once Letty met them, my girls would want more of her, like me, but I didn’t want to give her up to them. Not yet.
Letty stared at me across the bench seat of my truck. “What more are you hiding?” she asked.
“Nothing. I swear. There’s nothing else to know.” It’s the truth. I’m a simple man. I made a mistake here, but there’s no other agenda.
“I don’t know anything about you.”
She’s wrong. So wrong. She has opened me up just as she claims I’ve done to her.
“That’s not true. You know I’m good at throwing an ax. I can make eggs over a campfire. I like to wash your hair. I love your laugh.” I’d give anything for her laughter instead of the tears filling her eyes.
“Giant.” She exhaled. “I can’t do this.”
“Why not?”
“Because you already had everything,” she blurted.
“What do you mean?”
“Marriage and children. Love and happily ever after.”
“She died. How was that happily ever after?” I hate myself for snapping at her or even considering that Clara and I hadn’t been happy. We were. We were content.
A tear trickled down her face, and I popped the latch on her seat belt, tugging her to me.
“Cricket. Please,” I groaned, holding her to my chest and stroking my hand down her hair. I inhaled her scent, hoping to memorize it. Apricots. It made my mouth water. She is spring rain to my snow showers.
Thankfully, her arms wrapped around my neck, and she hugged me back. I thought we were good, and then I dropped her off at the airport.
My heart crashed as she walked away, and I wondered if Clara felt this loss each time I left home. This fear that she’d never see me again. That I’d never return.
That’s how I felt when Letty entered the terminal and then didn’t answer my emails.
> “Whatcha drinking?” The teasing sound of my brother snaps me from the memory. I’m sitting in Blue Ridge Microbrewery and Pub on a Thursday evening.
I’d sent Letty an email every day since she left me, telling her everything I haven’t said and more. I kept it light, reminding me of the communication I once had while in the military. The action sparks my determination to make it work with Letty. I’ve had a long-distance relationship before—across an ocean—so I can do this again across a few states. It’s only a short plane ride between us.
“Whiskey,” I say, rolling the glass between my fingers on the bar. I’m more of a beer man, but tonight calls for the hard stuff. Eleven days. No conversation. I’m the only one talking in those emails.
I look up to find Billy watching me. “What’s going on?”
I’m not an open book with my siblings. I don’t delve into emotions, digging into my feelings, but I need to tell someone.
“Letty left me.”
Billy’s forehead furrows. “You broke up?”
“Something happened.” I pause. “I didn’t tell her about my girls, and they practically caught us in bed.”
Billy chuckles while I fail to find the humor in the situation. Reading my countenance, he coughs into his fist and tries to look sympathetic. The forced expression is lost on him. He’s too good natured.
“And…
“She was upset I hadn’t told her I had children.”
“Does she know about Clara?”
“She does.”