It finally hit him now more than ever. Somehow they were going to have to learn to share their daughters because not even he could deny that the child was his.
He composed himself and turned around. Tristan was sitting at his island staring off into space, probably as deep in thought as he had been.
Nathaniel finally let some of his thoughts out. Because who better to share them with than this man who was probably experiencing everything he was, and more. Seeing a mini version of the sister he lost in Emma.
So he let some of his mental anguish out and said to Tristan, “A part of me wants to say, I wish this never happened, but I just can’t. Because that would mean I wouldn’t have Emma in my life, and I can’t even start to imagine that because she is my life. She and that little guy are all I have in this world.
“But Samantha, I want to hold her close and just look at her. You know, this whole situation is simply crazy to me. I’ve always wanted as many kids as I could have. A large family and maybe this isn’t the way I imagined it happening, but I won’t change having Emma and now Samantha.”
He remembered those early days before Samantha. It was weird thinking Samantha and not Emma was born, and turning one of the rooms into a nursery with everything she would need. Absolutely nothing had prepared him for the sheer wonder and joys of being a father. When he held Emma for the first time, that tiny baby became his new reason for living. The protective feelings had taken root. He could tell at that moment that his life had changed in ways he’d never dreamed of. He felt like he was going through those same feelings again meeting Samantha.
After having his own child, he never could understand how his mom had just walked away and never came back for him.
“I’ve missed out on so much,” he murmured. “Four years of growing up that I’ll never know about.”
It surprised him how much that hurt, even knowing it wasn’t his fault. It still felt like he had failed somehow.
He looked towards his backyard and imagined that little face that came with eyes he recognized all too well and sighed.
“Now all I know is, I don’t know anything,” he told Tristan.
He looked at Tristan and saw the same sorrow and understanding in his eyes but quickly looked away. He was feeling too exposed. Somehow with this man, he kept sharing things he didn’t mean to.
“Let’s go check on the girls. I promised Emma she could play outside in the pool for a bit,” he said to Tristan.
“She’s a normal four-year-old in every way except for her deteriorating liver, but it doesn’t slow her down, well, not much anyways,” he said to him, trying to fill the awkward silence.
“Sometimes I forget she’s sick. She’s such a happy child, rarely ever complains. So when she does, you know she’s really in pain.”
Tristan grinned at him. “Well, the no complaining thing, she definitely didn’t get that from my sister. Shay knew how to whine her way into or out of whatever she wanted from me,” he replied with a reminiscent smile that conveyed more than words how much he missed his sister.
“Would you tell me about her sometime. When you’re ready. Emma is amazing, so I’m sure she was too.”
Tristan nodded. There was a flash of pain he couldn’t mask. “She was amazing. The absolute best. And yeah, yeah, I’d love to tell you about her sometime.”
Nathaniel found himself a little envious. He would have loved to have a sister or brother. Someone to watch out for him, and someone that would have gone through all the crap he went through with his mother. It was one of the main reasons why he had more than one child. He had always felt lonely growing up, and he didn’t want his kids to feel that way.
Damn it. Under any other circumstances, he’d have been attracted to Tristan, Nathaniel realized. But he couldn’t even go there, right? Could he?
Talk about complicated.
But was it impossible, the devil in his mind whispered. He so wasn’t touching that thought right now.
He groaned and probably had a nasty scowl on his face at the train of thought. He pretended making Wyatt’s food for when he woke up required more concentration than it really did.
But he could still feel Tristan’s eyes on him, until his phone beeped, distracting him. Even though the man wasn’t looking at him anymore, it was hard to ignore his presence.
Dammit! He shouldn’t even be thinking the word hard about or around this man.
He couldn’t be some random hookup. If they went down that road, he’d never be able to risk getting rid of Tristan, he thought.
But would that be such a bad thing?
Then again, how could he? They shared a daughter now. Whether either of them liked it or not, because for him the alternative, which was losing Emma wasn’t even an option.
So no more thoughts about how his ass looked plump and perfectly toned in those forest-green chinos shorts. Yup! No more thoughts about that.
How many men could say that they had a child with someone they had never even seen naked. Okay, sure, a woman he never saw naked carried his child. But this was different, more intimate. They actually shared a child now.
He walked to the foot of the stairs and called out, “Em, you ready to go swimming?”
“Daddy, Sammy isn’t wearing swim things.”
“Come down, honey. Her daddy has them here.”
He heard whispers and giggling as the two girls came down hand in hand. “I'm ready, Daddy, but only if Sammy comes swims too.”
“Comes swimming too,” he corrected.
He felt rather than saw Tristan come into the foyer. The man looked at Emma with a mixture of sorrow and longing he couldn’t hide.
“Em, honey, come and meet Samantha’s daddy.”
“So you’re Emma.” He breathed, dropping down to her level as she approached.
It was totally an important moment, but he would have to be dead to not notice how broad Tristan’s shoulders were beneath the plain white tee he wore. And how the fabric of his chinos pulled tautly over what looked like a lovely package. He was so going to hell for thinking that about him at this moment.
“Hi, Emma. My name is Tristan,” he said, voice quivering. He then cleared his throat before adding, “And it’s such a pleasure to meet you.”
He could only imagine the emotions Tristan was doing his best to mask. Most of them he was sure had to do with his late sister. His daughter suddenly acquired a shy streak and clutched at his leg before disappearing behind it. Tristan straightened and retreated.
“Samantha, honey, why don’t you go with your daddy and put on your swim things,” he said, knowing Tristan needed a minute to gather his wits.
She walked over to Tristan and lifted her hands. He bent and lifted her. He saw him hold her close and inhale her scent like he needed that connection. It was nice to know the man was as overwhelmed with this situation as he was.
A petty and bitter part of him wanted to be the one to hold Samantha. And the ruthless side that got him to the top of his field couldn’t understand why he had to share. Then he looked down at Emma. She was the reason. He knew if he tried anything, he would lose Emma, and that just wasn’t a risk he was willing to take.
14
Tristan
While the girls splashed in what was essentially a pool created solely for them, Tristan let his mind wander. He loved Samantha like no man’s business, but a part of him ached at the sight of seeing Shay reincarnated.
Then Tristan had to question his sanity when his eyes couldn’t help but follow the movements of Nathaniel’s biceps as he fed his son. He tried to tell himself it was his way of coping with a stressful situation. But he knew it was a load of BS.
His mind brought up images of Nathaniel’s firm, rounded ass, all perfect and plump in those faded, well-worn jeans. Those big, masculine hands being so gentle with his son, had Tristan feeling all kinds of hot and bothered.
Who knew he had a thing for guys with babies? Then again, maybe it was just this guy with his baby.
>
Sitting in his house, he seemed so carefree and approachable. Nothing like the man he had met in that conference room. That guy had a tight lock on his emotions. That was not the Nathaniel he was seeing today.
Tristan knew immediately this was not a side of him many people saw. He had googled the man for God’s sake, and apparently, he was known to be quite cold-blooded and ruthless in business, although he could find next to nothing on his personal life.
Samantha let out a shriek, interrupting his thoughts. She was giggling as she splashed water at Emma. That got Emma giggling too. He looked over at Nathaniel, and they shared a small smile.
He looked away quickly, his breath hitching in his chest at the beauty that was Nathaniel Alexander smiling. His whole face softened, and his eyes lit up from within.
Tristan looked at Emma, and it brought up feelings he wrestled hard to lock away. What it would feel like to hug Shay one more time and hear her laugh. He hadn’t felt her loss so vividly in ages.
He guessed all he had needed was her daughter to bring her back to life so accurately. All thoughts of walking away and just donating his liver were gone.
Some days, he’d wanted to hold on to a part of her, remember her, never lose sight of her face or how she had moved or talked. Sometimes rambling on and on for hours. Or the many hours they spent binge watching TV shows and movies. Shopping and spa days or even just their morning text and nightly phone calls. Today, more than most, he felt her loss acutely.
He really hoped he and Nathaniel were on the same page. He didn’t want things to get messy between them. For one, they both loved their daughters, and they were the only one that could truly empathize with each other. It wasn’t like there was a switched at birth support group they could join.
But he knew with all certainty he couldn’t give Emma up. Any more than he could give up Samantha.
Tristan laughed inwardly. He had somehow become a father of two without giving up any sperm and wasn’t that just a trip and a half.
“Okay, girls, time for lunch,” Tristan said, going over to the pool to help them out. Sammy jumped into his arms, getting him wet. He saw Emma run over to her daddy talking a mile a minute. Tristan’s other arm felt empty with how much he wanted to pick both of them up and hold them tight. But he couldn’t, because that would be weird and probably terrify Emma.
Walking into Nathaniel’s kitchen a second time, he finally paid attention to his surroundings. It was a stunning kitchen, definitely bigger than his home kitchen, which was saying a lot, seeing as he was a baker. Then again, he didn’t bake at home on the same scale he did at work.
There was a table big enough for eight next to a large window that looked out to a covered porch sitting and grilling area that looked like it would be so fun to use for BBQ and pool parties.
The island was fabulous and completely baby proofed he noted. In fact, the whole place was baby proofed. Not that he was surprised. Nathaniel seemed like he left nothing to chance.
A double oven sat next to the stovetop, and the man had two huge fridges. He caught Tristan staring at them and said, “I like to keep stuff for the kids separate.” Like the man, his house appeared grand and stately on the outside, but the inside was warm and hospitable.
He nodded. Of course, he did. He was like Super Dad.
The day went well in one sense. The girls seemed to get on like a house on fire. But Nathaniel and Tristan couldn’t get over the reason they were there in the first place.
Nathaniel pulled out lunch things from the fridge. He could tell he had prepped ahead. He grabbed orange and apple juice, a bowl of chicken and pasta salad. In what looked like practiced movements, he put together their lunch quickly and effortlessly.
“I brought dessert,” he told him. “They’re Samantha’s favorites.”
My daughter shouted, “Yay! Cakees. Daddy make the best cakees,” she told Emma importantly, knowing which ones he meant. Emma looked over with interest, even though she and Samantha hadn’t moved from the table set up with paper and crayons they had plopped themselves in after getting cleaned up from the pool.
Nathaniel looked and asked, “Do you mind setting the table?”
“No problem,” he replied.
“The plates and cups are in the cupboard over there,” he said, motioning to his left, directing him to where the things he needed were. It all seemed so domestic, Tristan thought.
He had judged what he thought Nathaniel was like. He figured a man like him would have staff crawling out of his ass, but there was none of that here. He was sure he had a cleaning service, and probably a chef and all the other staff necessary for a house this size. But with the way he moved around the kitchen with ease, he could tell he spent enough time here that it was easily second nature to him.
Nathaniel brought over the food, and they all sat down to the meal. The whole thing was surreal to him, and the girls seemed oblivious to the undercurrent of tension in the air. They appeared to be having a good time with each other.
He couldn’t wait to get out of there though. So he could finally breathe properly. A part of him also wanted to see Samantha back in their own home and know that she was still with him. At their house. Where no one could reach her. Part of him knew it was an irrational thought, and the other part, the part that he beat down with a stick, didn’t want to leave Emma behind.
He rushed through lunch and made appropriate excuses that Nathaniel could see right through but didn’t call him out on.
Samantha didn’t seem to want to leave her new friend, which made him want to high-tail it even more.
So he put on his dad voice and said, “Say bye-bye to Emma, her brother, and her daddy, Sammy. We’re going home.”
His daughter recognized that voice and did as she was told and said “Goodbye” to her new friend and then waved at Nathaniel, saying, “Bye-bye Emma’s Daddy.” The look of possessive longing in Nathaniel’s eye scared Tristan. It had him wanting to run out of the house, but he managed to walk himself out of the house like a normal person. Barely.
He shepherded her out of the house and buckled her into the car seat. Before turning around and finally looking Nathaniel straight in the eye for probably the first time in what felt like forever and said, “I’ll call you.”
Tristan saw him acknowledge the statement before getting in his car and driving off like he was being chased by the hounds of hell.
15
Nathaniel
He had been on pins and needles for the past few days, although he did his best to hide it from his kids. He couldn’t help recalling Tristan running out of the house like the hounds of hell were after him. Didn’t help Nathaniel’s nerves settle any.
After putting Wyatt down for a nap, he’d had to answer questions from Emma on when she would be seeing her new friend again.
He couldn’t remember the last time he was the one waiting on the other side of an “I’ll call you.”
It wasn’t a feeling he particularly relished, if he was being honest with himself.
He was tempted to call Tristan and just get the conversation over with. Okay, if he was being honest, he also wanted to hear the man’s voice.
Nathaniel feigned busyness, even though there was no one around to take note, but he refused to act like a teenage girl waiting for her crush to call. Not that he knew much about dating as a teenager, he thought derisively.
Not that Tristan was his crush, he reminded his wayward heart or was it his head both small and big he needed to send that message to. He wasn’t quite sure. He was not interested in Tristan, he told himself sternly. This was about their daughters. Nothing else.
Naively he had figured seeing his biological daughter once or maybe from time to time would be enough. Back when they planned the visit. Now he knew different. But what were his options? As much as he wanted to get to know Samantha, their choices were limited. Neither of them was willing to give up custody. He could tell that, after spending time with Tristan and Samantha.
His body felt confined, so he got up and paced, trying to come up with a solution. God, what a mess!
Could he wish this had never happened? Could he really say he would never have wanted to meet that amazing child? His honest answer was no.
Emma and Samantha had taken to each other like long-lost friends. He could see the shyness he tried so hard to overcome, and when that didn’t completely work hide in Samantha. But it was tempered by the security he could tell she got from Tristan. He could tell she had no problem soaring because even if she fell, her daddy would be right there to catch her.
He wanted to see what other things they had in common. He wanted to be part of that security she felt. He wanted to be a part of her life, and if he was being honest, he wanted her to know he was also her dad.
Why hadn’t the man called for Christ’s sake? He’d had a few days to process. How much time did he need? What was he waiting for? Why was he waiting? And why wait? Why not talk and settle this now? Dammit! He was on edge. His skin was feeling too tight for his body.
Maybe he should call the man and get it over with. He wanted to talk to Tristan anyway. Then why not just call? But his pride wouldn’t let him. Besides, Tristan had said he would call, so Nathaniel would wait till he did. Plus, a part of him wanted Tristan to be the one to call, to have missed them. Emma. He meant Emma, not them, he thought, rubbing his hands across his face in agitation.
It wasn’t like he could get rid of the problem by ghosting him. If ever two people needed to talk things out it was them. He was lost in thought when finally he heard his phone ring.
He stared at it, seeing Tristan’s name. He let it ring a few more times so he wouldn’t look overeager. Not that he was overeager or anything.
“Hello!”
“Nathaniel, it’s Tristan.”
“I do have caller ID,” he replied.
“Of course, of course, I know that,” Tristan said awkwardly.
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