He only had the patience to wait an hour for her call before he couldn’t stand the uncertainty another moment.
In that instant, as he made the call to excuse himself from a fundraiser he’d been obligated to attend for the evening, he had realized with stark clarity how very self-deceptive he had been for the past three months.
He had spent twelve weeks trying to convince himself he was over Tess Claybourne, that their brief relationship had been a mistake but one that he was quite certain had left no lasting scars on his heart.
The moment he heard her name, a wild rush of emotion had surged through him, like water gushing from a dam break, and he realized just how much effort it had taken him to shove everything back to the edges of his subconscious.
Only in his dreams did he let himself remember those magical days he and Tess had shared, the peace and comfort he found in her arms.
He had definitely been fooling himself. Their time together had had a profound impact on his world. Since then, he found himself looking at everything from a different perspective. All the things he used to find so fulfilling—his business pursuits, his fundraising engagements, boating on the Sound—now seemed colorless and dull. Tedious, even.
Southerland was expanding at a rapid pace and he should have been thrilled to watch this company he had created begin at last to attain some of the goals he had set for it. Instead, he found himself most evenings sitting on his deck on Mercer Island, staring out at the lights reflecting on the water and wondering why all the successes felt so empty.
No doubt some of the funk he seemed to have slipped into was due to the grieving process he was still undergoing for Jo.
But he had a somber suspicion that a large portion of that emptiness inside him was due to Tess and the hole she had carved out in his life.
He sighed. Might as well be completely frank—with himself, at least. Tess hadn’t done any carving. He had been the one wielding the butcher knife by pushing her away the first chance he had.
He couldn’t blame her for that last ugly scene between them. At least not completely. At the first obstacle in their growing relationship, he had jumped on the defensive and had been far too quick to shove her away.
In his business life, he tried to focus most on the future by positioning his company to take advantage of market trends and growth areas. He didn’t like looking back, except to examine his mistakes in an effort to figure out what he could fix.
And he had made plenty of mistakes where Tess was concerned. As he examined what had happened three months earlier in Pine Gulch, he had to admit that he had been scared, pure and simple.
He needed to see her again. He owed her an apology, a proper goodbye without the anger and unfounded accusations he had hurled at her.
That’s why he was here, trying to find her house in the pale, watery moonlight.
His GPS announced her address a moment later and he pulled into the driveway of a small pale rose brick house, a strange mix of dread and anticipation twisting around his gut as he gazed through the rain-splattered windshield.
Her house reminded him very much of the one in Pine Gulch on a slightly smaller scale. Both were older homes with established trees and gardens. The white shutters and gable gave it a charming seaside cottage appeal. It was surrounded by shrubs and what looked like an extensive flower garden, bare now except for a few clumps of dead growth.
He imagined that in the springtime, it would explode with color but just now, in early February, it only looked cold and barren in the rain.
He refused to think about how he could use that same metaphor for his life the past three months.
Smoke curled from the chimney and lights gleamed from several windows. As he parked in the driveway, he thought he saw a shadow move past the window inside and his breathing quickened.
For one cowardly moment, he was tempted again to put the car in Reverse and head back to Seattle. Maybe Easton had her signals crossed and Tess wasn’t really looking for him. Maybe she only wanted his address to send him a kiss-off letter telling him how happy she was without him.
Even if that was the case, he had come this far. He couldn’t back out now.
The rain had slowed to a cold mist as he walked up the curving sidewalk to her front door. He rang the doorbell, his insides a corkscrew of nerves.
A moment later, the door opened and the weeks and distance and pain between them seemed to fall away.
She looked fresh and bright, her loose auburn curls framing those lovely features that wore an expectant look—for perhaps half a second, anyway, until she registered who was at her doorstep.
“Quinn!” she gasped, the color leaching from her face like old photographs left in the desert.
“Hello, Tess.”
She said nothing, just continued to stare at him for a good thirty seconds. He couldn’t tell if she was aghast to find him on her doorstep or merely surprised.
Wishing he had never given in to this crazy impulse to drive two and a half hours, he finally spoke. “May I come in?”
She gazed at him for another long moment. When he was certain she would slam the door in his face, she held it open farther and stepped back so he had room to get through. “I... Yes. Of course.”
He followed her inside and had a quick impression of a warm space dominated by a pale rose brick fireplace, blazing away against the rainy night. The living room looked comfortable and bright, with plump furniture and colorful pillows and her upright piano in one corner, still covered with photographs.
“Can I get you something to drink?” she asked. “I’ll confess, I don’t have many options but I do have some wine I was given as a housewarming gift when I moved here.”
“I’m fine. Thanks.”
The silence stretched out between them, taut and awkward. He had a sudden vivid memory of lying in her bed with her, bodies entwined as they talked for hours.
His chest ached suddenly with a deep hunger to taste that closeness again.
“You’re pale,” he said, thrusting his hands in the pockets of his jacket and curling them into fists where she couldn’t see. “Are you ill? Easton said you called her and she was worried.”
She frowned slightly, as if still trying to make sense of his sudden appearance. “You’re here because Easton asked you to check on me?”
For a moment, he thought about answering yes. That would be the easy out for both of them, but he couldn’t do it.
Though he had suspected it, he suddenly knew with relentless clarity that she was the reason for the emptiness of the past three months.
He had never felt so very solitary as he had without Tess in his world to share his accomplishments and his worries. To laugh with, to maybe cry with. To share hopes for the future and help him heal from the past.
He wanted all those things she had talked about, exactly what she had created for herself here.
He wanted a home. He wanted to live in a house with carefully tended gardens that burst with color in the springtime, a place that provided a warm haven against the elements on a bitter winter night.
And he wanted to share that with Tess.
He wanted love.
Like a junkie jonesing for his next fix, he craved the peace he had found only with Tess.
“No,” he finally admitted hoarsely. “I’m here because I missed you.”
Chapter 16
She stared at him, her eyes wide and the same color as a storm-tossed sea. “You...what?”
He sighed, cursing the unruly slip of his tongue. “Forget I said that. Yeah, I’m here because Easton asked me to check on you.”
“You’re lying.” Though the words alone might have sounded arrogant, he saw the vulnerability in her eyes and something else, something that almost looked like a tiny flicker of hope.
He gazed at her, his blood pulsing loudly in his ears.
He had come this far. He might as well take a step further, until he was completely out on the proverbial limb hanging over the bottomless crevasse.
“All right. Yes. I missed you. Are you happy now?”
She was quiet for a long moment, the only sound in the house the quiet murmuring of the fire.
“No,” she finally whispered. “Not at all. I’ve been so miserable, Quinn.”
Her voice sounded small and watery and completely genuine. He gave a low groan and couldn’t take this distance between them another second. He yanked his hands out of his pockets and reached for her and she wrapped her arms fiercely around his neck, holding on for dear life.
Emotions choked in his throat and he buried his face in the crook of her shoulder.
Here. This was what he had missed. Having her in his arms again was like coming home, like heaven, like everything good he had ever been afraid to wish for.
How had he ever been stupid enough to push away the best thing that had ever happened to him?
He kissed her and a wild flood of emotions welled up in his throat at the intense sweetness of having her in his arms once more.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured against her mouth. “So damn sorry. I’ve been a pathetic wreck for three lousy months.”
“I have, too,” she said. “You ruined everything.”
He gave a short, rough laugh. “Did I?”
“I had this great new job, this new life I was trying to create for myself. It was supposed to be so perfect. Instead, I’ve been completely desolate. All I’ve been able to think about is you and how much I...” Her voice trailed off and he caught his breath, waiting for her to finish the sentence.
“How much you what?” he said when she remained stubbornly silent.
“How much I missed you,” she answered and he was aware of a flicker of disappointment thrumming through him as he sensed that wasn’t what she had intended to say at all.
He kissed her again and she sighed against his mouth, her arms tight around him.
Despite the cold February rain, he felt as if spring was finally blooming in his heart.
“Everything you said to me that last night was exactly right, Tess. I’ve given the past too much power in my life.”
“Oh, Quinn. I had no right to say those things to you. I’ve been sorry every since.”
He shook his head. “You were right.”
“Everyone handles their pain differently. The only thing I know is that everyone has some in his or her life. It’s as inevitable as...as breathing and dying.”
“Well, you taught me I didn’t have to let it control everything I do. Look at you. Your dreams of a happily-ever-after came crashing down around you with Scott’s accident. But you didn’t become bitter or angry at the world.”
“I had my moments of despair, believe me.”
His chest ached for her all over again and he cringed at the memory of how he had lashed out at her their last night together in Pine Gulch, accusing her of being the same spoiled girl he had known in high school.
He hadn’t meant any of those ugly words. Even as he had said them, he had known she was a far different woman.
He had been in love with her that night, had been probably since that first moment she had sat beside him on the floor of her spare room and listened to him pour out all the ugly memories he kept carefully bottled up inside.
No. Earlier, he admitted.
He had probably been a little in love with her in high school, when he had thought he hated her. He had just been too afraid to admit the truth to himself.
“But despite everything you went through, you didn’t let your trials destroy you or make you cynical or hard,” he said gently, holding her close. “You still open your heart so easily. It’s one of the things I love the most about you.”
* * *
Tess stared at him, her heart pulsing a crazy rhythm in her chest. He couldn’t have just said what she thought he did. Quinn didn’t believe in love. But the echo of his words resounded in her head.
Still, she needed a little confirmation that she wasn’t completely hearing things.
“You...what?”
His mouth quirked into that half grin she had adored since junior high school.
“You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you? All right. That’s one of the millions of things I love about you. Right up there at the top of the list is your big, generous, unbreakable heart.”
“Not unbreakable,” she corrected, still not daring to believe his words. “It has felt pretty shattered the past three months.”
He let out a sound of regret just before he kissed her again, his mouth warm and gentle. At the devastating tenderness in his kiss, emotions rose in her throat and her eyes felt scratchy with unshed tears.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured between kisses. “So damn sorry. Can you forgive me? I’ve been a stupid, scared idiot.”
He paused, his eyes intense. “You have to cut me a little slack, though.”
“Do I?”
Her arch tone drew a smile. “It’s only fair. I’m a man who’s never been in love before. If you want the truth, it scares the hell out of me.”
I’m a man who’s never been in love before.
The words soaked through all the pain and loneliness and fear of the past three months.
He loved her. This wasn’t some crazy dream where she would wake up once more with a tear-soaked pillow wrapped in her arms. Quinn was standing here in her living room, holding her tightly and saying things she never would have believed if she didn’t feel the strength of his arms around her.
He loved her.
She pulled his mouth to hers and kissed him hard, pouring all the heat and joy and wonder spinning around inside her into her kiss. When she at last drew away, they were both breathing raggedly and his eyes looked dazed.
“I love you, Quinn. I love you so much. I wanted to make a new life for myself here in Portland, a new start. But all I’ve been able to think about is how much I miss you.”
“Tess—” He groaned her name and leaned down to kiss her again but she gathered what tiny spark of strength remained and stepped slightly away from him, desperate for a little space to gather her thoughts.
“I love you. But I have to tell you something...”
“Me first.” He squeezed her fingers. “I know you think we want two different things out of life. I’ll admit, it would probably be a bit of a stretch to say I’ve had some sudden miraculous change of heart and I’m now completely ready to rush right off to find a wedding chapel.”
Well, that would certainly make what she had to tell him a little more difficult. Some of her apprehension must have showed in her eyes because he brought their clasped fingers to his mouth and pressed a kiss to the back of her hand.
“But the thought of being without you scares me a hell of a lot more than the idea of hearts and flowers and wedding cake. I want everything with you. I know I can get there with your help. It just might take me a few months.”
“We have a few months.”
“I hope we have a lot longer than that. I want forever, Tess.”
She gazed at him, dark and gorgeous and male, with clear sincerity in his stunning eyes. He meant what he said. He wasn’t going to use his past as an excuse anymore.
She couldn’t quite adjust to this sudden shift. Only an hour ago, she had been sitting at her solitary dining table with a TV dinner in front of her, lonely and achy and frightened at the prospect of having to face his reaction the next day to the news of the child they had created together.
And here he was using words like forever with her.
She still hadn’t told him the truth, she reminded herself. Everything might change with a few simple words. And though she wanted to hang on to this lovely feeling for the rest of her life, she knew she had to tell him.
Though it was piercingly difficult, she pulled her hands away from his and crossed her arms in front of her.
“I need to tell you something first. It may...change your perspective.”
He looked confused and even a little apprehensive, as if bracing himself for bad news. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. At least I don’t think so. I hope you don’t, either.”
She twisted her fingers together, trying to gather her nerves.
“Tell me,” he said after a long pause.
With a deep breath, she plunged forward. “I don’t know how this happened. Well, I know how it happened. I’m a nurse, after all. But not how it happened, if you know what I mean. I mean, we took precautions but even the best precautions sometimes fail...” Her voice trailed off.
“Tess. Just tell me.”
“I’m pregnant.”
The words hung between them, heavy, dense. He said nothing for a long time, just continued to stare at her.
She searched his gaze but she couldn’t read anything in his expression. Was he happy, terrified, angry? She didn’t have the first idea.
She pressed her lips together. “I know. I was shocked, too. I only found out a few weeks ago and I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you. That’s why I called Easton for your address. I was going to drive to Seattle tomorrow. I’ve been so scared.”
That evoked a reaction from him—surprise.
“Scared? Why?”
She sighed. “I didn’t want you to think it was all part of some grand, manipulative plan. I swear, I didn’t expect this, Quinn. You have to believe me. We were careful. I know we were. The only thing I can think is that...that time in the shower, remember?”
Something flickered across his features then, something that sent heat scorching through her.
“I remember,” he said, his voice gruff.
He didn’t say anything more and after a moment, she wrapped her arms more tightly around herself, cold suddenly despite the fire blazing merrily in her hearth.
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