by Sarah Mirk
One in four women in the United States will get an abortion by the age of forty-five. People of all religions decide to get abortions. According to a 2014 survey of abortion patients by the Guttmacher Institute, 54 percent of abortion patients identified as Protestant or Catholic, 8 percent reported another religious affiliation, and 38 percent reported no religious affiliation. And the majority of women who get an abortion are already mothers.
If you decide on an abortion, the clinic should treat you with respect. The doctors and nurses should keep you informed about the process as they go and encourage you to ask questions. If they don’t, find a different clinic. And bring someone you love and trust with you for support. You don’t have to do this alone.
Here are some real-life anonymous abortion stories adapted from the website MyAbortionMyLife.org. Many more stories are on this website and on 1in3campaign.org.
I was 16 just turning 17 at the time I became pregnant. It never hit me that something like this could happen to me. I was completely scared and thrown off. I was young, I had aspirations to go to college. I wasn’t able to have a baby. I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood. I remember having to drive all the way to Virginia to avoid being on a waiting list in South Carolina. I still hear the vacuum. God the vacuum. It was over. I was okay. Two years go by and I thought I never would have kids. But now I’m pregnant, six weeks along. I took so much from that experience. I value this baby more than I thought I could. You’re not alone out there. I look back at the 17-year-old me and I applaud how strong she was.
I was a month shy of 16. My mom was in prison, my dad and I were barely on speaking terms. My boyfriend was that one person I could seek comfort from and confide in. We had dated off and on for three years, and we had sex for the first time. After weighing many options, I decided to get an abortion. I was facing zero assistance to cover my medical expenses and the electricity at the house was cut off. I was only 16, living alone with no money. I considered taking matters into my own hands to end my pregnancy, like throwing myself down the basement stairs. Thankfully, with the help of my father and grandparents, we scraped enough money together to go to the Planned Parenthood health center. After my abortion, my father drove me home.
Crossing the Line: Sexual Assault
No matter what you decide you do and don’t want from your sexual life, remember this: It is never okay to have sex with someone who cannot give a conscious, reasoned, and verbal go ahead. It’s never okay to have sex with someone who is drunk, asleep, or unconscious. Even if the person who wants to have sex with you is your boyfriend or girlfriend, they need to get your consent to sex every single time. And vice versa. Sex without consent is sexual assault. And it happens within relationships, when one partner manipulates or forces the other person into having sex and pressures them into saying yes even when they don’t want to.
Sexual assault is common. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 7 percent of high schoolers say they have been physically forced to have intercourse when they didn’t want to. When you expand the question beyond intercourse, the percentage more than doubles. During a one-year period, research showed that 16 percent of youth in the United States aged fourteen to seventeen had been sexually victimized, mostly by people they knew.
Here are two sexual assault stories:
When Katelyn and John first met, their relationship was complicated. John liked Katelyn, but he didn’t want to have sex because he felt as if he wasn’t in love. She kept trying to convince him and said that if John didn’t sleep with her, she would break up with him and tell everyone he was a terrible boyfriend. John finally gave in and had sex with Katelyn. Although he had said yes, he realized later that he had been coerced.
David and Jenny watch a movie in their dorm room with some friends. They are attracted to each other. After the movie, everyone leaves and they’re alone. Jenny flirts with David. She is excited when they start to make out. But then David pulls off her shirt and says he wants to have sex. Jenny, who has never had sex, is shocked and isn’t sure what to do, so she just says nothing. David takes Jenny over to the bed, takes off her clothes, and begins to have sex with her. Jenny feels trapped. She wants to tell David to stop, but she doesn’t want to make him mad. She lays still and is unresponsive during sex.
Both of these examples are sexual assault. In both, the person who wanted to have sex should have listened to their partner’s verbal and nonverbal cues and respected their boundaries.
Questions to Think About
This is probably too personal and crazy, but when I get myself off, I often have really weird thoughts. Sometimes I imagine myself getting kidnapped by a celebrity and then he ties me up and makes me have sex with him. I would never want that to happen to anyone in real life. I’m anti-rape. So, why does my brain go there?
We can’t always control what turns us on. Often what’s not allowed by society is titillating precisely because it’s wrong. Having those kinds of fantasies is normal. Thinking these thoughts doesn’t make you someone who endorses rape. And it doesn’t mean you want to do these things in real life. You could experiment someday safely with some of your fantasies, but don’t feel as if your subconscious is telling you to act them out.
I’m sort of dating this guy. We just had a big talk about not becoming boyfriend-girlfriend. I think it would be nice to be his girlfriend, but he says it’s important to him to be in an open relationship. I had no idea what that meant, so I just said okay. What is that?
An open relationship is an approach to dating that centers on non-monogamy rather than monogamy. In monogamy, someone has a romantic and sexual relationship only with one other person at a time. In non-monogamy, someone has romantic and sexual relationships with more than one person at a time. Both relationship structures come with their own advantages and disadvantages and require talking through boundaries and expectations. People who are in open relationships sometimes identify as polyamorous—poly means “many” and amor means “love.” Open relationships are the right choice for some people, but if you’re craving monogamy, it might not be the right choice for you.
Chapter Eight
You Deserve to Be Happy
Dating has always been evolving. In her book Labor of Love, historian Moira Weigel points out that what many people think of as a classic scenario—having a steady boyfriend or girlfriend—was shocking in the 1940s and 1950s. Parents, advice columnists, and even priests advised against going steady. Instead, they argued, it was better for young people to date around.
Throughout American history, every new generation has changed dating behaviors. Age, class, race, and gender shape what we see as normal. That men should pay for dinner, movies, and everything else on a date, for example, didn’t come out of the blue. It became a norm because, for much of the twentieth century, women either weren’t allowed to work outside the home or if they did, they were paid so little they could not afford to pick up the check. In 1900 women were paid half of what men were paid for the same jobs (and a wage gap continues).
These days, young Americans are continuing to change what relationships and dating look like. People are waiting longer to get married. The percentage of women who have decided not to have biological children has doubled since 1970, from one in ten to one in five. And younger people are more likely to define their sexuality as something other than straight. In a 2015 British survey, 43 percent of people aged eighteen to twenty-four identified themselves as not exclusively heterosexual. Only 7 percent of people over sixty identified that way. These trends show how people are making new choices about what healthy relationships look like to them.
All of this is to say that there is no right way to date. You get to shape your relationships in the ways that work for you and make you feel happy and healthy. That can mean following established rules or making up new rules—including deciding how to split the check.
Your Brain on Lust
Beyoncé sings a song about the way love can
make a person feel crazy. That’s a reality a lot of people will recognize. Being intensely attracted to someone actually changes our brain chemistry. It feels exhilarating and all-consuming. That’s in part because when someone is experiencing deep attraction, their brain releases higher-than-normal levels of the chemical dopamine and the hormone norepinephrine. These chemicals make people giddy, energetic, and euphoric. Neurological studies have found that attraction also seems to decrease serotonin, a chemical that’s linked to regulating appetite and mood. Sexual arousal appears to turn off the critical-thinking regions in our brain that are tied to self-awareness and rational behavior.
When we’re lusting after someone new, we’re not our smartest selves. When making decisions about new relationships, know that your brain is essentially flooded with love drugs. It’s not a good idea to make major, life-changing decisions (like moving across the country, getting married, getting pregnant, or getting a tattoo) within the first six months of falling in love with someone. Over time, brain chemistry evens out and that extra-loving dopamine and norepinephrine return to normal levels. That means your over-the-top feelings will shift with time too.
Obsession and Jealousy Are Not Cute
Keep an eye out for patterns of obsession. Someone who is obsessed with a crush or new partner will reorient their entire life around the person. They will drop things they’re interested in to do stuff their crush likes instead. They might try to mold their personality to match what they think the object of their affection would be attracted to. They won’t respect their own boundaries, values, or self-care. They risk losing themselves in pursuit of someone as a goal.
Obsession can also drive a dangerous behavior: stalking. The “no-just-means-try-harder” approach to relationships violates consent. Stalking involves trying to keep in constant contact, so it can take the form of following someone in person or digitally—like constantly texting and demanding to know where you are and who you’re with. One in six women and one in nineteen men will be victimized by stalking in their lifetimes. If you feel that someone is stalking you, let someone you trust know, like a teacher or a parent. You’ll need a support network to help keep that person away from you. Keeping yourself safe may require blocking the stalker on social media, asking sites to suspend their account, having their class schedule changed, or taking legal action.
Everyone gets jealous sometimes. Jealousy is a natural, universal human emotion, and it can be an important clue to our inner feelings. Keep an eye on the behaviors that make you or your partner jealous. Push yourselves to ask questions about the deeper root of those feelings. Usually at the core of jealousy is a feeling of insecurity. What are you or your partner insecure about? What are you afraid of? How can you reassure one another?
However, out-of-control jealousy can lead to controlling and abusive behavior. This type of jealousy includes accusing a partner of cheating or wanting to cheat, demanding frequent reassurance, and pouting or getting upset as a way to get attention. It also includes getting upset about spending any time apart, pursuing different interests, and monitoring a partner’s communications.
If you find yourself acting in these ways, stop and check yourself. You can feel jealous without having to act on it. Use I-messages to bring up the issue with your partner and talk about what’s causing the jealousy.
Jealous behavior often takes place over texts. Keeping in touch with your sweetie should feel thoughtful and positive. But constant contact can be a sign of possessive and jealous behavior. If they’re using texts to keep tabs on where you are and who you’re with, that’s a red flag. Another problem sign is if your partner demands the right to go through your phone and read your texts—or opens your phone without your permission to see what you’ve been writing to other people or posting on social media. That’s a violation of your right to privacy in a relationship. Good relationships are built on trust, and that means giving each other space and privacy.
Love Is Respect
If you are in a violent or emotionally abusive relationship, get help. You’re not alone. And the abuse is not your fault. A lot of people stay in bad relationships because they’re afraid people will judge them—either for leaving what looks from the outside like a “perfect” relationship or for staying so long in a bad situation. Once you’ve decided to end the relationship, stick to your resolve—abusive partners have a pattern of promising to change, apologizing for everything, being extra sweet and kind for a while and then slipping back into their hurtful ways.
Ending the relationship will be much easier with help and support. Ask a counselor, friends, and trusted adults to help you take steps to get your life back. If you want to talk to someone confidentially about abuse and your relationship, the go-to resource for teens is Love Is Respect. At www.loveisrespect.org, you can take quizzes to see if your relationship is abusive, live chat with a counselor, and find resources. You can call the teen hotline at 1-866-331-9474 or text “loveis” to 77054. All the Love Is Respect services are confidential.
If you are feeling monitored, overwhelmed, or threatened by someone’s behavior or texts, that’s a potentially toxic relationship. It’s always okay to turn off your phone and ignore their texts. Try not to respond to harassing, abusive, or inappropriate texts. Instead, respond later that the messages were out of line. If you feel safe enough, you can bring up the problem in person and ask them to change their behavior. You can block phone numbers, and you can block people from being able to see your posts on social media. If they’re threatening violence or making you feel unsafe, you and your family may decide to tell the police and seek a restraining order.
But, ultimately, those solutions require your action when really the problem is how the other person is behaving. It’s ultimately their responsibility not to be abusive.
Recognizing Red Flags
Everyone has the right to be happy and respected in a relationship. At a basic level, being in a relationship should feel good. But that doesn’t mean being in love is always a happy feeling. People often think that all abusive relationships are violent. Sometimes, abuse is emotional, involving a pattern of behavior that one person uses against another to intimidate and to get what they want. That can mean making demands on their partner’s time, shaming them, guilting them, or forcing them to do something they don’t want to do, including sex.
So what does a healthy relationship look like? What does an unhealthy one look like? Here are lists of healthy, unhealthy, and abusive behaviors to think about. The lists adapt materials from the sexual health group Advocates for Youth and The Teen Relationship Workbook.
In a healthy relationship, people
enjoy being with each other and are proud to be together
add positively to each other’s lives
encourage each other’s personal interests and individual goals, such as going to college, getting a job, or making art
have some privacy, including being able to send texts or write in a journal without scrutiny
accept responsibility for their actions and apologize when they’re wrong
feel as if they can be their whole selves, without hiding their identities
treat their partner with respect and fairness
can talk about their bodies and feelings about sex and gender
treat each other as equals
have shared interests
have separate interests and identities
disagree sometimes and talk through problems
try hard to have honest and clear communication
never hurt each other physically or sexually
allow their partner space when needed
In an unhealthy relationship, people
treat their partner disrespectfully and unfairly
get extremely jealous or accuse the other person of cheating
depend completely on the other to meet social or emotional needs
withhold affection as a way to punish the other (such as giving them “the silent treatmen
t”)
embarrass and humiliate each other
frequently argue or fight, with partners yelling at each other and talking to their partner as if they’re a child
don’t listen when the other person talks
frequently criticize their partner’s friends or family
do things only with each other—they have no separate friends or interests
try to control each other’s clothing, actions, or interests, such as keeping someone from going to school or pursuing a dream
blame the other partner for their own behavior (if you hadn’t made me mad, I wouldn’t have . . .)
cheat on their partner
use alcohol or drugs as an excuse for bad behavior
Signs of an abusive relationship are
throwing or breaking things during an argument
controlling what the other person does, such as making them feel bad for whom they see, what they wear, what they say, or what they’re interested in
threatening to hurt themselves or commit suicide if the other person breaks up with them
being jealous often or overly jealous
putting the other person down—calling them names or humiliating them
exhibiting crazy–making behavior—one person lies or changes their story, or denies or minimizes the other person’s experience. This behavior often makes the other person feel as if they are going crazy.
Do any of those behaviors sound familiar? If so, it’s time to reevaluate your relationship.
People often blame the victim in abusive relationships, asking why they stayed or why they “let themselves” be treated in a bad way. That’s unfair and actually makes the situation worse. People stay in unhealthy relationships for all sorts of reasons. They may be afraid of what their partner will do if they try to leave. If they don’t have good role models for what a healthy relationship looks like, they may think that abuse is normal. They may be embarrassed about the abuse and feel as if they’ll be judged if they tell people about it. They may love the person who is hurting them and hope that the abuser will change. They may rely on the abusive person for housing or financial support and feel as if they have nowhere to go if they leave.