"Why are you giving up?" he asked.
"Because I don't have anything else to give. I'm sick of pretending everything is fine. It's not fine. I'm not fine. And I miss someone badly. I shouldn't have let him go, but I was so busy with my career..." Zaphadin sighed, then looked at Kay-low. "You should never forget where you came from, the people who were with you when you started."
"The band I started with is going nowhere." Kay-low shrugged. "I guess I was meant to be a solo artist."
"Well, good luck. But if you fall in love, don't let it go just because you're busy becoming a superstar. You're going to regret it for the rest of your life."
"I'm sure your beloved is still there, waiting for you." Kay-low felt the need to say something nice. Zaphadin was so depressed and unhappy, he badly needed kind words.
"I doubt it," he grumbled. "But I'm the only one to blame for that. I dumped him. He was my lyricist and nobody has ever written better songs than his."
Kay-low remembered the first songs – definitely better than the following. The first two albums were truly magical and had become classics.
"Does he write for somebody else?" he inquired.
"He's a writer, not a lyricist. He made an exception for me. He used to say I inspired him."
"So if you were his muse, I'm sure he's still waiting for you."
"It's been ten years, Kay-low. Nobody is that patient. Or that stubborn. But thank you for your faith."
A knock on the door and Frangi put his head in. "Kay-low, you're on in five minutes!"
"Thank you for your time." Kay-low rose and bowed to Zaphadin who nodded a good-bye with barely a glance.
Kay-low wouldn't let his idol's low mood take him down. He did his performance, then waited backstage until it was Zaphadin's turn. The man knew his job – he could still commandeer a crowd. He was charismatic, and he could dance, and he was a true showman. Only Kay-low could feel the screaming mind behind the mask.
He hadn't had the time to explore Zaphadin's mind in more depth, but now he knew what to expect, and what he should be careful with. He'd stick to Hatcherd until the end of his contract and then he'd see. He wouldn't let greedy managers suck the life out of him like Dahumada had done with Zaphadin.
He was probably stronger than Zaphadin, or at least his ambition was probably stronger. And he had enough Sire pride to refuse certain things – he wouldn't be used or abused by anyone. He knew what he wanted and how to get it now. He'd be the one using others to achieve what he wanted. And if his dream turned into a nightmare, like had happened to Zaphadin, he'd pull back and go home.
At the end of the show Zaphadin called the younger acts on the stage with him.
"I leave you with the next generation of artists," he told the roaring crowd. "I suggest you keep an eye on the young man over there. Kay-low will be a superstar one day."
Kay-low was surprised and touched by the mention. "Thank you," he mouthed.
Zaphadin's half-smile was the best wish he could receive. The man was relieved it was over, and backstage he stopped next to him for a moment.
"Good luck, Kay-low Meraini. May your dreams remain dreams and not turn into nightmares."
"May your nightmare turn into a new dream, Zaphadin," he answered with a bow.
Zaphadin caressed his cheek with a sad smile and left. He was going back to his home planet and his real name and the safe anonymity of a nobody. And hopefully his beloved would have him back.
As he entered his dressing-room to get rid of the stage costumes, Kay-low found Dahumada waiting with Hatcherd.
"Seems like Zaphadin passed the baton to you," Dahumada said. "Would you like to sign up with me?"
"No, thank you," Kay-low answered bluntly. "I know what you did to him."
Dahumada raised his eyebrows. "And what did he tell you about it?"
"Nothing. I read his mind."
"Kay-low is a Sire," Hatcherd said.
"Ah." Dahumada scoffed. "Good luck, then, Kiran."
The big man left and Kay-low looked at Hatcherd.
"Are you aware of what happened between Zaphadin and his manager?" he asked.
"Some of it." Hatcherd shrugged. "I came onboard when Zaphadin was already a star and left the entourage some five years later precisely because I didn't like what was going on. But it had given me the experience to manage a big entertaining machine, so I started looking for my own clients."
"I hope you don't treat them like Dahumada treated Zaphadin." Kay-low glared at Hatcherd.
"Kay-low, you're my first client. When one decides to create a superstar, one can't have more than one client at a time. It takes a lot of work to start a machine like stardom. We've been working on your launch for four months. We need to do a big tour now. And no, I won't rape you if you don't do what I say."
"Good." Kay-low smiled. "I trust you and I like the idea you have of me, so I'll be playing along."
"I know I can't cheat you, Kay-low. And I know you understand what must be done, even if I don't explain it to you. We've come very far in a very short time for this reason – you don't question me and so we're going faster than usual. When you drop me for a higher level management, I'll have problems with my next client."
"I won't drop you for higher level management, especially if that means someone like Dahumada," Kay-low replied with a smile. "But I might decide I have enough at some point. And that's why I haven't signed a contract for life. I like working with you, but I don't know for how long we'll be just fine, so..."
"Renewing a contract that works is easier than breaking a contract that doesn't work," Hatcherd said. "You're definitely smarter than Zaphadin!"
Kay-low chuckled. "So, are we ready for a galactic tour? Can my parents attend for free?"
"Of course, you only need to put their name on the guest list... and we'll provide them with backstage passes."
"Wonderful!" Kay-low grinned. "So, when do we start?"
***
Kol-ian and Bess-lin attended Kay-low's first show with Ker-ris and Maela. Jay-lee bought himself a ticket, but he didn't have a backstage pass, so Kol-ian made sure he was squeezed between him and Ker-ris when they went backstage after the show.
Kay-low had performed in the Mega Arena, where even Zigaema Angelle had danced. For that first night he was alone on stage with his background dancers, but during the tour he'd be with the latest holographic stars who would sing and dance with him.
Maela hadn't seen Selinda in ten years and was very happy to see her. Kol-ian wasn't too happy to see Selinda was madly in love with Kay-low who sometimes screwed her but certainly didn't love her, not even at Laura's level. He'd grown up with Laura, so he was fond of her, but Selinda was a stranger he didn't really care for.
"She's going home tomorrow," Kay-low replied with a shrug. "She's not part of the tour. She was in the video, and she wrote a great song, but..." He shrugged again. "She knew what she signed for."
"I sure hope you find your heart somewhere along the way," Kol-ian grumbled. "Lin-sun was really in love with your namesake uncle, but I'm beginning to think you'll never fall in love."
"I'm too busy for that, Dad!" Kay-low glared at him. "We're building my image and my career!"
"And that means singing and dancing with virtual stars? So you'll end up with a virtual lover as well?" Kol-ian retorted.
"I don't lack people who want to sleep with me."
"I know the sex part is not the problem. It's your heart I worry for."
"Well, maybe I don't want it to break." Kay-low raised his chin in challenge.
"Kol-ian ran away to mend his broken heart. Lin-sun married me because she had a broken heart. Is that why you refuse to fall in love, Kay-low?" Ker-ris asked. "Don't you know that the more you try to avoid things the more they might befall you?"
"Maybe I'm just another icy Sire and I'll never fall in love."
"Now you stop this nonsense right now!" Bess-lin snapped. "There's no such a thing as an icy Sire. Yes, some of us are harder, bu
t we all fall in love, eventually. We're telepaths and empaths after all."
Kay-low snorted and glanced at Jay-lee who stood quietly in a corner. Kol-ian couldn't tell if some form of communication passed through them, since they were both shielded, but Kay-low became even more nervous, avoiding eye-contact and becoming restless.
"Did you come here to take me down?" he complained.
"No, we came here to enjoy your show, and it's great," Kol-ian said. "But we also want you to start taking responsibility for what you do. We won't let you trample friends and foes on the way to galactic stardom."
"I won't trample anyone," Kay-low snapped. "But I won't be trampled either. I won't end up like Zaphadin, with broken dreams and a broken heart."
Kol-ian and Ker-ris exchanged a puzzled glance.
"You met Zaphadin?" Ker-ris asked. "I thought nobody was allowed near him!"
"I opened for him on his last show and yes, I did talk to him," Kay-low retorted.
"You can't compare yourself to someone who came out of nowhere," Bess-lin chided. "You'll be much greater than him! You're a Sire! If you think that manager you found isn't good enough, we'll find you a better one!"
"Kiran is doing just fine," Kay-low said. "He knows what to do. I don't need your help. I can make it on my own."
"Good, we wouldn't want you to end up with the wrong manager," Kol-ian said. "You want to emulate Zaphadin's career, not his life, hopefully."
"So what do you know of his life?" Kay-low asked, sarcastic. "I thought you weren't interested."
"I'm always interested in music acts, and he had quite catchy songs at the beginning," Kol-ian replied, amused.
"I love to dance to those tunes and then there's that love ballad..." Ker-ris added, thoughtful.
"He didn't write his own songs." Kay-low shrugged.
"No, his lover did. Until he kicked him out of his life." Kol-ian replied, staring at his son. Exactly what you've done with your lyricist friend. I know you weren't lovers with Jay-lee, but he did write the songs for you.
So he told you about it?
He didn't have to. When you ran away, it became obvious.
"Since you're so well informed on a retired star, what happened to him after his last show?" Kay-low asked defiantly.
"He went back to his home planet, and has moved back with his former lover."
Kay-low gaped. "I can't believe what you can find out without moving from Marc'harid!"
"Well, I like to keep an eye on people, especially if they meet my son."
"Are you stalking me, Dad?" Kay-low glared at him.
"No, just keeping an eye on you. You are only twenty after all..."
"And who kept an eye on you when you ran away?" Kay-low protested. "You were twenty too!"
"And that's why I hid on a low-tech planet and didn't go chasing galactic stardom," Kol-ian replied with a chuckle. "I actually went underground, hid on Friport, joined the rogues for two years... You're everywhere, Kay-low, it's not that hard to keep track of what you're doing!"
"And one of the perks of fame is the lack of privacy," Ker-ris added. "What we didn't have when we were Imperial Family. That's why Shan-leo never craved celebrity status – he'd had enough during his childhood."
"I'm very proud of your new status," Bess-lin said, patting her son's cheek. "You're going to be the next superstar, and I'll be the happiest mom in the galaxy!"
"Thanks, Mom." Kay-low grudgingly hugged her, still unhappy with his father. "I need to go now. See you all at the end of the tour."
5. JAY-LEE
Since his costars were holograms, Kay-low was glad to have Frangi and Hatcherd with him. Dismissing the background dancers, the entertainment machine had enrolled two digital singers voiced by a singing synthesizer to save on expenses. Holograms were much cheaper than real people, so Hatcherd had bought two virtual stars that matched Kay-low's look and feel, and had them programmed to be his backing vocalists. The virtual backup singers could perform elaborately-choreographed dance routines while they sang without breaking a sweat.
So the tour started, going from planet to planet. Kay-low had returned the Haiduc during his first show and now traveled on a rented starship that could carry him, the manager, the stylist, the programmer and a couple of roadies. Most of the heavy work of setting up the stage was done by robots that were stored in the hold with the rest of the equipment.
"Background singing by software isn't as effective as real human voices," Kay-low commented one night. "But if the fans don't mind..."
"As long as we have real voices in the studio albums, the show will be fine," Hatcherd replied. "We could ask whoever writes the next songs if they want a shot at backing vocals as well."
"Or I could have a real band." Kay-low mused. "I kind of miss the company..."
"Your first or your second band?" Hatcherd asked, amused.
"Sort of both. Although Italian Ignorance wouldn't let me be the lead singer, but I've known them for longer than Pop Heart. I was wondering if I could have them both opening for me at some point?"
"When we have more money, yes, you can choose whoever you want to open your shows. At this time, we can only afford holograms. But this puts an emphasis on you as a person, so it should help to spread your name."
"Have I really sold out every place?"
"Not every place is as huge as the Mega Arena, but yes, you've sold out everywhere."
Kay-low grinned. He was getting somewhere. He didn't mind the crowds waiting for him at the hotel or the backstage door. Sometimes he even picked someone to spend the night with.
During travel time he downloaded Rashaun Khanna's books and started reading the stories of Zaphadin's lyricist. It was mostly stories of male lovers, some with happy endings other very tragic. If he checked the publication dates, Kay-low noticed a pattern – the first, tragic stories were from the time that Rashaun had left Zaphadin's entourage to start writing, but slowly he had started telling more happy, romantic stories, as if he'd moved on from his famous lover.
More and more often Kay-low's thoughts went back to Jay-lee who had come backstage but hadn't said a word, although Kay-low had felt the happiness oozing from his friend. Jay-lee wasn't jealous of his success, he was genuinely happy. But Kay-low had felt also some melancholy, since Jay-lee felt abandoned by his best friend.
Half of his songs spoke about love and Kay-low kept thinking about his father's words. Maybe he'd been too guarded, but opening up now that he was losing privacy didn't seem like a good idea. He thought he could visit Selinda when the tour was over. But first he wanted to go back to Marc'harid. For the first time in months, he was homesick.
And then his dream was ruined. He wasn't a big star yet, but his rabid fans scared him awake. Since he was the only live person on the stage, everybody wanted a piece of him. And to prove he was real, he often touched the hands raised towards him, first or second row of the audience pressing against the stage. One night those hands grabbed him and pulled him down from the stage.
He found himself on the venue floor, with people touching him everywhere, tearing his clothes and his hair, kissing him and screaming so loud he was deafened. His shields went down from the shock, and the crazed minds around him almost overwhelmed him. By the time security – a bunch of robots – disentangled him from the crowd, he was both breathless and speechless.
The robots put him on the flying limo that rushed him to the nearest hospital while he struggled to remain conscious. He could hear Hatcherd's worried voice, but couldn't formulate an answer, and eventually passed out, still hearing hundreds of minds and voices screaming in his head.
When he woke up, he thanked God for the silence around him. He opened his eyes onto an anonymous hospital room half-filled with flowers. In fact it had been the scent that had brought him back – he thought he was back on Marc'harid and had left his window open over the spring garden.
Hatcherd stood by the only window but came to sit next to the bed when he saw Kay-low was awake.
Kay-low had a very dry throat, so he asked for water first. He felt still dizzy, but didn't hurt anywhere.
"Nothing's broken, but you have some bruises," Hatcherd said. "Can you deal with it?"
"Yeah," Kay-low closed his eyes. "Is it all right if I stay away from the edge of the stage from now on?" he asked then, worried. Now he understood why Zaphadin had spent his last show well away from his screaming fans. He'd been through that too.
Hatcherd sighed. "I guess... unless we put up a wall of robots between you and them."
Kay-low shivered at the memory. "They could have killed me," he whispered.
"Yes. They almost killed Zaphadin too."
"So it's becoming dangerous to do live shows?" Kay-low asked, feeling a lump in his throat.
"I don't know. Audiences are completely out of control. It wasn't like this ten years ago. We'll have to revise our plans. But we will finish the tour. Stay away from the edge of the stage and you'll be all right."
"Fine." Kay-low felt his voice shake. He closed his eyes. Suddenly fame didn't look so glamorous anymore.
***
Kay-low went back on stage and continued his tour, but now the crowds affected him in a different way. He was scared when more than ten people waited for him. He couldn't sleep properly. His stomach churned before the shows, and at the sight of all those faces his chest tightened and he had trouble controlling his breathing.
When he complained about his lack of sleep, Frangi offered to keep him company. Kay-low allowed him to touch him, but soon even sex wasn't enough to calm him. He started having panic attacks and eventually had to lip-synch, since his voice refused to come out in front of an audience.
"Do you want your parents here?" Hatcherd asked, a little worried. "You have only ten more shows, but if you plan on lip-synching to the end, we might as well not renew our contract."
"No, no, I don't need them." Kay-low was too stubborn to ask for help. Especially from his parents. But he'd feel reassured with someone he knew well by his side. Someone to go back to. Someone he liked or was fond of. He took a deep breath. "I'll call my best friend. I'm sure he'll help."
Star Minds Chasing Stardom Page 5