by Kate, Jiffy
“I have one more thing to tell you,” I start. Since I want something with Avery I’ve only ever wanted with one other person, I feel like she deserves to know the hidden secret I’ve been carrying with me. It’s not dirty or menacing. It’s personal and made the loss of Liz so much more than anyone else knows.
But Avery needs to know.
Because one of these days, at some point down the road, I hope to share more with her than I’ve ever shared with anyone else.
Shoving down the natural response I always have to this one particular memory, I take a deep breath...in through my nose and out through my mouth.
“You can tell me,” Avery encourages. “Whatever it is...”
“When Lizzie was diagnosed, we were at the doctor’s office for something entirely different...something so far removed from what we left with.” I close my eyes, unable to meet Avery’s eyes when I give her this piece of me, the last one. “Lizzie was two months pregnant. It was a routine visit, at least we thought it was...the doctor asked for me to come with her, but we thought it was maybe because we were going to get to do an ultrasound. Liz had gone to the first visit by herself. I was working at the bar and we had a construction crew coming to work on the cooking school...we figured we’d have a lot of visits, so it wasn’t a big deal that I missed the first one.”
I take a break, biting down on my lip as I let the memory of Liz’s happy face when we walked into that office and saw other women in all stages of motherhood. Her excitement radiated off her. Being a mother was all she’d been talking about and we’d tried so hard for a few years. It felt like everything was coming together...we’d bought our house, had our businesses, and now, we’d have a baby...be a family.
I’d never wanted to put any more pressure on her than she’d put on herself, but damn, I wanted that baby. I might have wanted it more than she did. All I could do was support her and be there for her...answer her crazy calls at all hours of the day, meeting in crazy places to make a baby.
The sad smile breaks across my face before I can stop it.
“We really wanted that baby,” I whisper. “But when we got there, the doctor dropped the bomb that changed our lives...Liz had stage four cancer and her only chance at surviving was to terminate the pregnancy and start chemo.”
A slight gasp from Avery draws my eyes up from the table, where I’ve been focused while I get through this part of the story, and then they find hers. Quiet tears fall as she covers her mouth with a hand.
“Liz wanted to keep the baby and take her chances, but I couldn’t...” I croak, my emotions catching up with me and threatening to take over. “I needed her more...I thought we’d get another chance. I never dreamed that would be the end of everything...every dream...”
“I’m so sorry,” Avery breathes. “I’m...God...I’m just so sorry.”
She stands and walks over to where I’m sitting, wrapping her arms around me and I bury my head in her stomach, soaking in her comfort...experiencing a level of vulnerability I haven’t allowed myself in years. Instead of scaring me shitless and making my skin crawl, I bathe in it...bathe in Avery and her acceptance and understanding.
After several long minutes of us just holding each other and absorbing the truth, Avery shifts and kneels down so she’s looking up at me. Regret is evident in her eyes and my stomach drops...for the first time tonight, I’m scared.
“I...” she starts and stops, teeth trapping her bottom lip as her face crumples.
“Avery,” I soothe, taking her delicate chin between my thumb and forefinger, pulling her lip free. “Baby, talk to me.”
“I want you...so bad. I...I think I’m falling in love with you,” she says, sucking back a sob that tries to escape her. “Actually, I know I love you. I’m not sure when I started, but I definitely know that my feelings for you are stronger than...anything...anyone...”
I think, and I hope I’m right, that she’s trying to tell me her feelings for me are stronger than what she felt for Brant without saying the bastard’s name. It makes me smile. I can’t help it.
“But I can’t live my life being someone’s second choice...second best.” She finally lets out that sob and it sounds painful as it tears its way through her chest. “I know that sounds incredibly selfish of me. I should be happy to just be loved by someone like you, as good as you...that should be enough. But I want to be someone’s first choice. You helped me see that. I want someone to feel about me like you felt about Liz.”
The agony in her words cut me right to the bone.
“Oh, God, Avery...listen to me.” My words sound harsher than I intend, but I need her to hear this and know that I’m being completely honest and transparent. “You’re nothing like Liz.”
The hurt and confusion on her beautiful face makes me want to stop—kiss her, hold her, soothe the broken edges—but I continue, hoping my explanation will be enough.
“Liz, Elizabeth...she was beautiful...short dark hair and blue eyes that looked like they were pulled from the depths of the ocean. She was the serious to my playful.” I laugh, realizing how crazy that sounds because I’m so far removed from the person I used to be—the one who fell in love with Elizabeth Louise Franklin. “The first time I saw her, we were on campus and she wouldn’t give me the time of day. I loved her before I even knew her. She had a dry sense of humor and she liked the Beatles and the Backstreet Boys.”
Avery lets out something between a cry and a laugh, wiping at a fresh tear.
“It was such a contradiction to everything else I knew about her—black coffee, books about philosophy and debates about politics.” I shake my head just thinking about the day I got in her car and I Want It That Way was blaring from her speakers. “Once I got to know her, I thought she was too smart for me, but it was too late. I’d fallen and there was no coming back from it.”
When I see Avery’s eyebrows pull together as she bears my pain as her own, letting my memories wash over her, I reach up and smooth the space between her eyes.
“She was easy to love...I chased her for a few weeks and then she was putty in my hands.”
I love the reluctant giggle I get at that statement.
“You...” I begin, hoping these words come out the way I mean them and that Avery can see my heart...and that it now beats for her. “You weren’t easy to love...you were hard...I fought it. But there’s something about things we fight so hard against...and for...they’re worthwhile. They mean more. . .because we worked for them.”
I brush back Avery’s hair—the platinum fading into a lovely lavender. “You’re worth it, Avery. You’re worth every therapy session and every battle I’ve fought inside myself. You make me believe in love and that somehow, someway, I might be one of the lucky mother fuckers who gets to experience a once in a lifetime kind of love twice in my life.”
She swallows, her eyes scanning my face searching for an ounce of falsity, but they come up empty handed.
“I thought I didn’t want love. Just the idea of letting myself feel so deeply for someone.” I pause, correcting myself, because it’s not just someone. It’s her. “Letting my heart love you...it feels like the scariest fucking thing I’ve done, because I know what it feels like to lose it all. Life isn’t guaranteed and I won’t be able to love you without risking losing you...but you’re worth it. You’ve made me feel again, love again...you’ve made me dream and hope for things I thought died a long time ago.”
Her tongue darting out to wet her lips lets me know she’s thinking about kissing me, stealing my breath, and, holy fuck, I want to kiss her too, but I need to finish. I need her to be certain, no questions left to ask...because once I start, I won’t be able to stop.
“You’ll never be a consolation prize. It’s not a competition. I had Liz for fifteen years. I’ve mourned her for five. I’ll love her forever. But I’m in love with you.”
Leaning my forehead against hers, I tangle my fingers into her hair and breathe her in. Avery’s sweet scent has always done somet
hing to me—turned me on, made me hard—but tonight it’s a soothing balm to my exposed soul.
“I missed you,” she chokes out, her voice sounding as raw as I feel. “I thought I was going to have to forget you...somehow.” Her lips are a whisper against my skin as she leans closer. “I was afraid that it was over, you felt unreachable. But now...”
“What now?” I ask after an elongated pause, our breathing the only thing filling the space between us.
“I’m still scared,” she admits.
“Me too,” I confess, feeling that pull between our souls, invisible strings tangling together. “This is going to sound crazy, but I want to take it slow. I’m not willing to fuck this up again.”
“I can do that,” she says, a soft kiss along my jaw punctuating her words but also making me instantly regret my statement.
I do want to take things slow.
I want to do things right.
Avery deserves to be pursued.
She deserves to be shown love.
I want to give her all that, and along the way, I want to prove to her that my feelings for her are true and real. So, if that means putting aside my carnal desires, the visions of her writhing beneath me...chanting my name...so be it. I’ve waited this long for her. I can wait a little while longer.
“How about I take you on a date?” I suggest.
She freezes, her body going completely still.
My heart beats wildly against my rib cage.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Praying.
When I feel her lips curve into a smile against my skin, I let out a pent-up breath. I swear it feels like I’ve been holding it for the last hour and my chest aches, but this time in relief. Grasping her face between my hands, I pull back so I can see her eyes, and then kiss her—soundly, claiming her as mine.
Chapter 29
Avery
Shaw walked me home last night.
It was late and there was a cool breeze in the air, but my body was lit up and on fire. He wants to go slow and I know that’s what he needs. After everything he shared with me last night—confessions, memories, hurts, pains, his grief—I understand him.
His puzzle isn’t complete, there’s still a few pieces missing here and there, but are any of our puzzles ever really complete? I don’t think so. Even after we die, we’re still living on in someone’s heart and mind. Liz is alive and well inside of Shaw.
I saw the love he still has for her and I felt like what he was telling me was the beginning of his goodbye—closure. I thought it would be my last time to be close to Shaw, breathe the same air, feel his heartbeat. Because after a confession like that, a love like they had and a wound that deep, where does that leave me?
But the more Shaw opened himself up, he became transparent, and I could see right to the depths of his being. By some miracle—a power I cannot see, a force that isn’t explained—he loves me too.
He’s in love.
With me.
Smiling, I pull my soft quilt up to my chin and twist up in it as I roll over to face the window of my apartment. My first morning here and all I can think about is being a few blocks away in a different bed, with Shaw. But I can be patient.
My mama once told me that everything good in life is worth waiting for.
I think she was talking about my virginity, but I’ve always held onto that truth.
Shaw said I was hard to love, which initially felt like a slap in the face, but after he explained, I got it. It wasn’t me that was hard to love, it was the idea of letting himself fall again that was hard. After what he’s been through, having a love as strong as his and Liz’s and losing it all, I understand. It feels scary to me, being so consumed with my feelings for him, I can only imagine what it’s like for him.
Shaw’s worth the wait.
The way he makes me feel when I’m with him—safe, cherished, worshipped—is worth the wait.
I’m only twenty-three years old, but I’ve experienced a lot in my life. Brant made me lose faith in myself. After I left him, I wondered how I didn’t see him for what he truly was. How did I not read him better? I felt like I couldn’t trust my instincts, but Shaw restored that trust. Even when he tried to put up his walls and convince me he was someone else, when he worked so hard to convince me he was an asshole, and he was, but that’s not all he was. I saw through his bullshit and saw him.
He’s more than the surly attitude and gruff exterior.
The real Shaw is good and honorable. He’s hard-working and kind. He opens his door to any and everybody, even a girl down on her luck in need of a job and a soft place to land. I know I was not what Shaw was looking for, but I’m starting to believe that I’m what he needs.
When my phone rings, pulling me out of my thoughts, I throw the blanket off and scramble to reach it. “Hello?”
“Hey, baby,” my mama greets. “I know it’s your day off but I just wanted to call and see if you got settled into your new place.”
“I did,” I say, sitting up and putting my feet on the floor. Looking around, I can’t help the smile.
“Good,” she says with a content sigh. “I’m glad. How was it? Did you sleep good?”
“I slept great.” Yawning, I stand and go to the kitchen, until I remember that I haven’t been to the store, so I don’t have coffee or breakfast. “But, I have to go to the store. I need coffee and maybe some throw pillows,” I say with a laugh, looking around at the blank slate.
“Coffee and throw pillows,” she repeats with a laugh of her own. “Sounds like a good combination.”
There’s a brief pause on the line before she says, “You sound good...happy.”
Leaning against the counter, I bite down on my lip, thoughts of Shaw still fresh on my mind and I know I need to tell her about him, but I’d rather do it in person...when I’m home for Christmas. “I am, Mama.”
“Wanna tell me about it?” she hedges and I can hear the underlying question in her tone: who is it? Who’s making you so happy I can feel it all the way in Oklahoma?
“I’ll tell you everything when I’m home.”
“Good.” The smile is so evident in her voice it makes my heart ache a little at keeping things from her and also because I miss her. “I can’t wait.”
After a quick shower, I toss on a pair of jeans and my favorite, worn-out Oklahoma sweatshirt, feeling a smidge homesick. Sliding into my trusty Chucks, I grab my keys and a twenty and head out the door.
It might seem crazy to go to work on your day off, but I need coffee and it’s the closest place I know of. Besides, I know it’s good and since I started working at The Crescent Moon, I haven’t had the chance to sit down and enjoy a proper meal. Any time I eat from there, it’s out of a to-go container after I leave work.
My morning walk is brisk and by the time I get to the restaurant, I feel good, not nearly as worn down as I’ve been feeling in the mornings and I’m ready for...
My thoughts fall right out of my brain as I walk through the door and see Shaw.
His hair is pulled back in a ponytail showing off his gorgeous face.
The beard that was longer than usual last night is trimmed short, putting his strong jaw on display.
A white t-shirt stretches across his broad chest.
My eyes lock onto a bite of pancake, a drip of syrup dripping down...and his tongue swiping out to lick it off his plump bottom lip.
When he notices me, a slow easy smile spreads across his face and I do a dance of indecision, taking a step back toward the door and then a step forward toward...him. What am I supposed to do? After avoiding him at this very spot for so long, I’m in limbo over what my position is now.
Should I walk over and assume it’s okay to sit at his table?
That’s when I notice Sarah sitting across from him. Whatever Shaw just said to her makes her turn to see me, a warm smile shining on her beautiful face.
“Don’t you know the rules, Avery?” Wyatt asks, walking up and practically s
caring the shit out of me.
“Where’d you come from?” I gasp, clutching my chest. It’s a bit dramatic, but shit. I’m glad I didn’t need to pee, because this would be even more awkward than it already is. My eyes cut back to the table to find Shaw watching me.
“It’s your day off. What are you doing here?” Wyatt asks, leaning against the hostess stand.
“Well...I,” I stutter, unable to stop the ping pong game of looking at Wyatt and then back to Shaw. “I don’t have coffee...or food at my apartment.” Pausing, I clear my throat and try to get a grip on myself. “So, I came here. It’s closer than the grocery store and Shawn will cook for me.”
His eyebrow quirks as he follows my gaze, then turns back to me with a sly grin. “You sittin’ with them?”
“Um, I...” My mouth gapes like a fish for a split second until I remember Shaw’s words from last night.
I’m in love with you.
Shaw O’Sullivan is in love with me.
“Yeah,” I reply, my eyes now glued to Shaw’s as he stands from his chair.
When Wyatt leads me to the table, Sarah places her napkin beside her half-eaten plate of pancakes and stands as well, wrapping me in a hug. “Gosh, I’ve missed you,” she says, her arms tightening before she lets go and leans back to get a good look at me. “You doing okay?”
“Yeah, I’m good.”
“Are you eating enough?” she asks, giving me a motherly inspection as she tugs at my baggy sweatshirt. “Wyatt, bring Avery the O’Sullivan special.”
“As you wish,” Wyatt replies with a deep bow to Sarah and a wink to me.
“Is he working you too hard?” Sarah asks, following Wyatt with her eyes as he makes his way to the kitchen. I hope he remembers the coffee. Without speaking, Shaw pulls one of the extra chairs out and then leans in, placing a firm kiss in my hair with an audible inhale, like he’s breathing me in. It causes my own breath to hitch in my chest and I plaster on a smile to cover up my fluster.
After I’m sitting, I take my chances and glance over at him, he’s still wearing a faint smile and it makes my stomach flip. He seems happy...content...and it makes breathing easier.