by Kate, Jiffy
“Me,” I say with a huff, throwing my towel to the floor. “I’m what’s wrong. I can’t get out of my fucking head long enough to be happy about this...” Standing, I place my hands on my knees and breathe deeply. “I can’t forget the past long enough to be happy about the present...about the fucking future. Maybe I won’t ever be able to.”
Her hands go to her hips and she’s leveling me with the stare that reminds me so much of our mother. “Are you finished?”
I stare at her, void of any emotion, waiting for her to tell me to get over myself and move on with life.
“Let me tell you something,” she says, walking forward and grabbing my shoulders with as much force as she can muster. “Your past is what’s going to make you the best partner for Avery and the best...I mean, best...father to that baby. Don’t lose that. No one is asking you to forget Liz. The fact that you had her and lost her taught you so much about love, things not many people are privy to. You have to go through extreme heartache to truly realize all there is to lose and all you’re willing to do to keep it.”
“There’s something else,” I tell her, my tongue thick with emotion as I try to swallow down the regret from what I’m about to say—what I’ve kept from her and everyone else all these years. “Liz was pregnant...that’s how we found out about the cancer. We went in for an ultrasound and left with an appointment to terminate the pregnancy. I thought we’d get another chance. She wanted to wait, but she was scared. I couldn’t make the call for her so she made the ultimate decision, but I know she was completely heartbroken over it. I’ve wondered many times over the years if we did the right thing. What if Liz had the baby? Would she have had more of a will to live? Would it have changed the outcome?” My voice cracks and I feel unwelcomed tears slide down my cheeks, mixing with the sweat and seeping between my lips in a salty intrusion. “I did want the baby...I mourned it, when Liz was sleeping, I’d go downstairs and pull out the ultrasound photos and just think about what it was...a boy or a girl. It really didn’t matter, but I felt guilty and selfish for wanting Liz more than the baby.”
I huff, taking a breath and finally meeting Sarah’s gaze, which is also filled with tears of her own.
“I was so torn.”
“It’s okay to feel that way,” Sarah says quietly. “But you have nothing to feel guilty over. Getting Liz immediate care was the best thing for her, I’m sure. Don’t beat yourself up over something you can’t change and don’t let it keep you from appreciating what you have now. She was being strong for you...just like you were being strong for her. None of that was fair; we all know that.”
Sarah’s silent for a moment, soaking in this new revelation, before she speaks again. “Now it’s time for you to be strong for Avery...and this new life the two of you have created.”
Bending down, I grab my towel from the floor and cover my face with it, wiping away the evidence of my emotions.
“What am I doing?” I ask—Sarah, God...the Universe. “It’s like I’m an imposter, living someone else’s life...or maybe I’m cheating and stealing someone else’s forever. I’ve already had my love and that’s gone...Liz is gone.”
I know the second the words are out of my mouth they’re complete and utter bullshit. I need Avery like I need my next breath. If that makes me selfish, then so fucking be it. Whatever I did to deserve a second chance like her, I want to keep doing it for the rest of my life.
I want her for the rest of my life.
And our baby.
“But Avery is here...and this baby is here. And they need you.”
I start to nod and tell Sarah that she’s right—I know she’s right—when a soft voice calls from the open door. “Shaw?”
Sarah and I both turn, my face contorting when I see Avery’s broken features. “Avery,” I say, going to her and hoping like hell she’ll hear me out and not run.
Please, God, if I have one more unanswered prayer left, don’t let her run.
Clearing the distance to the door in a few long strides, I jog down the steps, jumping the banister to come to land in front of her, spreading my arms wide to block her path. Her chest heaves with unshed tears, emotions, hurt. “Why did you say that? You don’t want me? You don’t want our baby? If that’s how you feel, tell me now. Tell me so I can make plans. Don’t—”
“I love you,” I tell her, trying to think of the right thing to say. “I’m a dick. I didn’t mean any of that. I might’ve at one point. I thought I’d had my one chance and didn’t deserve another, but I want you...I want every part of you. I want us. I want this baby.”
The tears finally pour down her beautiful face, unchecked. “Why did you say that?” she demands, her voice rising as her emotions pour out of her.
“Because I’m scared shitless. I’m so fucking afraid that my life is on repeat and I’m going to wake up one day and everything standing in front of me will be gone.”
When her face starts to relax and she allows herself a deep cleansing breath, even though it comes out on a loud, unbridled sob, I sag in relief. “Why didn’t you tell me? You have to talk to me,” she demands, stomping her foot in anger.
I’ll take angry.
I’ll take a fight.
As long as she’s here.
“Don’t make me worry that you’re going to freak out on me and bail,” she says with vitriol, her finger jabbing into my chest to drive home her words. “I need you, Shaw O’Sullivan. So, if you need me...if you want me and this baby, then you’re going to have to promise me you’re in this for the long haul.” Her small frame is shaking as she takes a deep breath, closing her eyes. The finger she was pointing pulls away as she balls up her fists and places them on her hips, looking at me with fire and determination in her eyes. “Don’t hide from me. Whatever you’re worrying about, I want to know. It’s the only way we can work through it. You can’t just bottle it all up. It’s not healthy. And I need you healthy...and here. Because I can’t do this alone.”
Finally, she stops and takes a breath and relaxes one her of her fists, bringing her hand up to smooth her hair out of her face.
God, I love her.
I love her for calling me out on my shit and for not letting me get by with hiding. I love her big heart and the way she gets me, even the confusing parts. And she loves me, even the imperfect, scared parts.
“I love you,” I tell her, reaching over to take her hands in mine, forcing them to loosen and lace with mine. “I love you so much and I’m sorry for hiding from you. Never again,” I promise. “I’m going to be here for everything...forever. You’re going to be so sick of me, you’ll beg me to leave.”
She fights back a small smile and rolls her eyes as a few more tears slip out. “Doubtful,” she says, shaking her head.
With my eyes locked on hers, I pull her to me, my hands framing her beautiful, tear-stained face. “I love you, Avery Cole. And one day, I’m going to get down on one knee and ask you to be my wife. And we’re going to bring this baby into the world and it’s going to be the most loved baby on the face of the planet.”
“You promise?” she asks, wrapping her arms around my waist.
“I do.”
Her body finally melds into mine and I hold her to me, not too tight, but enough that she starts to laugh lightly. “You’re crushing me.”
“I told you you’re gonna get sick of me.”
Sarah’s head pops out from the door upstairs and she gives me a knowing, proud smile. I kinda forgot she was up there, but I don’t care. She of all people deserves to see this moment, to bask in the beauty of my life coming full circle.
I’m not fooling myself. I know there will be trials and tribulations, but losing Liz and finding Avery has taught me that I’d rather experience love and loss than to never have loved. What kind of life is that? The mundane, orchestrated semblance of one I was living before Avery showed up in my bar and rocked my world, that wasn’t living...that was merely existing, and I’m never going back to that.
I�
��m going to love Avery for as long as I’m allowed.
I’m going to be a dad.
I’m going to live it for me...for Liz...for Avery and our baby.
Epilogue
Avery
Three Months Later
“I’m not even kidding, the driver flat-out refused to pick her up. He said all the cabs in town have banned her and to try Uber or Lyft instead!” Kevin wipes his eyes as he finishes his story, even though he’s still laughing.
“Pissy Missy struck again, I presume?” Shaw asks, walking up to where I’m seated at the bar.
“Yeah, she showed up last night,” Paulie says.
“Maybe she needs her own special bar stool set aside for when she stops by?” I suggest, thankful I’ve never had to deal with this particular regular.
“Fuck that,” Shaw replies. “I say we have some adult diapers on standby instead.”
“Speaking of diapers,” Sarah interjects with a wink. “Have you two registered for baby stuff yet?”
“Can you give us a minute to just enjoy being pregnant?”
‘Enjoying’ might be putting it lightly. Shaw and I can’t keep our hands off each other is the real truth. I thought we were passionate before but then my pregnancy hormones kicked in and now, I’m ravenous for him. All. The. Time. Not that he’s complaining, of course.
“Hey, Avery, you mind passing that over this way?” Paulie asks, nodding at the empty mug left by a customer.
“Not at all.” I reach over to grab the mug but Shaw stomps around me and snatches it out of my hand before slamming it back down in front of Paulie.
“What the fuck, man? You can’t get the mug yourself? Do you seriously need a pregnant lady to do it for you? My pregnant lady, to be exact?”
Shaw is absolutely seething at his old friend but I remember to swallow my giggle before placing my palm against his chest. “Shaw, it’s fine. I’m fine. You can’t keep me from doing things, you know this.”
“Like hell, I can’t.” He faces me and places his large hands on either side of my small but round belly. “I’ll wrap you in fucking bubble wrap if I have to.” His growl against my ear sends shivers up my spine...and then back down to my vagina.
Standing on my tiptoes, I place a soft kiss on Shaw’s jaw. He’s started wearing his beard more trimmed and cut close, showcasing the strong lines of his face. I’ll take him in any form or fashion, but when he smiles at me like he’s doing right now, I’m a goner.
That smile is my weakness.
“You’re gonna be the death of me,” he sighs, visibly relaxing.
“You’re gonna be fine,” I remind him gently, escaping into our own little bubble for a few seconds.
“Y’all are gonna need to take this into the office,” Paulie says, disgust thick in his tone.
We all laugh, the tension defused. For now.
“I have an errand to run,” Shaw says, glancing down at his watch. “You’ll stay here and let these dipshits and Sarah keep an eye on you while I’m gone.” He tries to boss me around, but he knows it’s not gonna work.
“Sure.” I tell him, taking a seat at the bar.
Once I hear the backdoor shut, I hop off the stool and grab my purse off the counter. “I’m walking over to CeCe’s. I’ll be back in a while.”
‘Tis better to ask forgiveness than permission, I always say.
“Don’t get me fired,” Paulie says, continuing his work behind the counter.
“Have fun,” Sarah calls. “And tell CeCe we said hi.”
They’re used to this process. They’re used to me pacifying Shaw. I think even he knows I’m not going to sit here waiting on him to get back, but he has to say it anyway. The one concession I’ve allowed is him dropping me off at work every day. Boy, was that a battle of wills.
At first, he wanted me to quit my job and just stay home every day. We fought. Like, real honest to goodness knock-down-drag-out. He sulked. I stewed. And then we met in the middle.
I’m only working three days a week. He drops me off. I spend the rest of my time with him, either here or at his house. I occasionally go to my apartment, but usually just to chill when Shaw’s busy and I’m not.
One of these days, I’ll take that final step and officially move in with Shaw. I’m not sure what’s holding me back, but I figure I’ll take the next couple months to figure that out. Maybe it’s because that house was his and Liz’s. It holds a lot of memories for him, both happy and sad. And I’m not sure where I fit in. But I know I belong with Shaw. And I know before the baby gets here, I’ll figure my shit out and make his home mine.
“There’s my baby mama,” CeCe calls out as I walk in the front door of Neutral Grounds. A few of the customers look up and I blush and shake my head. The way she talks about my baby and my pregnancy, you’d think she really is the other parent. She’s insistent that she be my child’s godmother. I don’t know the protocol for that, but I’m assuming, since Shaw’s Catholic, he’s going to have strong opinions about who the godmother and godfather are.
He has strong opinions about everything else. I’m sure that will be no exception.
“Hey, CeCe,” I call back, giving her a wide smile.
“Your regular?” she asks, finishing up a drink she’s making and already pulling out a cup for mine.
“Yes, please,” I reply, leaning over onto the counter. “Unless, you want me to make it myself.”
“No, actually,” she says, distracted with her work. “I’d like you to sit down, but since I know that’s out of the question and you don’t like taking orders from people, I’m going to let you stand there and look pretty while you’re growing my baby.”
Rolling my eyes, I prop my cheek into my hand and watch her work.
After a few minutes, she walks over and places a drink in front of me. Typically, with the weather turning back humid and hot—even though it’s only the end of March—I’d be drinking an iced coffee or cappuccino, but not today. “One deliciously nutritious green smoothie...extra on the nutritious,” she says with a proud smile.
Honestly, I’m not sure who’s worse, her or Shaw.
Just as I’m getting ready to take my first drink, my phone rings and my mama’s face pops up on my screen. “Hey, Mama.”
“Hey, baby,” she says in the same giddy tone she uses every time we talk these days. It’s like we have an ongoing inside joke or secret. To say she’s excited about the baby is the understatement of the century. She’s beside herself, as is my nana. As for my daddy, well, he’s coming around. I think he’s excited about the baby, but just having a hard time wrapping his mind around his baby having a baby. Plus, he hasn’t had the chance to meet Shaw in person. The age difference was a little bit of an issue at first, but the more time that passes and the happier I am, the warmer his feelings toward Shaw grow.
“I’m at CeCe’s. Can I call you back later?” I ask, giving CeCe a wink.
“Hey, Mrs. C,” she calls out, loud enough for my mama to hear.
“Tell CeCe hello and thank her for taking such good care of you and my baby,” my mama says.
“I thought I was your baby,” I reply in mock defense.
“Oh, hush,” she says. “You’ll always be my baby, but you’re grown and you’re giving me a new one to love...” Her voice drifts off and gets higher pitched and I roll my eyes, because I really don’t want to have to go through this again.
“Mama,” I say, trying to get her attention and get her to snap out of this sappy mood.
“Oh, I know, I know,” she replies, sniffling and putting on a brave front. “I’m sorry.”
“Y’all are still coming to visit in a few weeks, right?” I ask, giving her a distraction.
“Yes, your nana wouldn’t let us miss it for the world. I’m pretty sure she’s already got her bags packed and her gambling money put to the side. She’s convinced she’s going to win enough to pay for a nursery.”
I roll my eyes again and shake my head. They’re crazy. All of them.
“I love you, Mama. Give everyone else my love.”
“Love you too, Baby.”
A few seconds later, after another round of goodbyes, I pocket my phone and pick my drink back up. CeCe and I chat between her constant flow of customers and just as I’m getting ready to leave, my phone rings again. Assuming it’s my mama, I pull it out of my pocket and push the button to answer. “What’d you forget to tell me?” I ask.
“I need you to meet me somewhere. Sarah is waiting for you at the bar. She’s going to bring you to me,” Shaw’s deep voice says, catching me off guard in more ways than one.
“Uh, okay.”
“I thought I told you to stay put?” he asks, his voice like silk being pulled over rough edges.
“I thought I told you to quit telling me what to do?”
His deep rumble of laughter makes my body tingle and I wish I could teleport myself to wherever he is. It’s crazy that I miss him, even though I just saw him a little while ago.
“I’m heading to the bar right now,” I tell him, ending the call and sliding the phone back into my pocket. “I’ve gotta go. Shaw needs me to meet him...somewhere,” I inform CeCe, realizing I never got where I’m supposed to be going.
“Call me later,” she says.
I wave at her and toss my mostly empty cup into the trashcan on my way out.
When I get to the bar, Sarah is waiting on me with an anticipatory smile. “Ready?” she asks, thumbing over her shoulder in the direction of the back door.
“I guess,” I tell her with a semi-nervous laugh. “I don’t know where we’re going.”
“I know. Follow me.”
We walk out into the alleyway and get into her small, black sedan. Somehow the car fits her to a T—understated yet strong, elegant without being stuffy. She starts up the engine and backs out, still giving me a knowing smile. “So, no hints?” I ask, buckling my seatbelt.
“Nope.”
“Shaw’s instructions?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
“Yep.”
We drive in silence for a few minutes. She makes a couple turns and before I know it, she’s pulled up in front of a red brick house, or maybe it’d be better described as a cottage, with black shutters and a white door. I glance over at Sarah and she nods her head toward the structure.