by Heloise Hull
Thin, red blood ran down my face. I still had my human body. My memories… they were of Jeanne. My babies were gone. My husband was gone. Only this being, a god, had saved me. He had promised me revenge. He had told me I was destined for greatness. And I had believed him. All he wanted in exchange was for me to fight for the gods and destroy the filthy beasts rebelling against them. He had blessed me in some way. There were powers I’d never dreamed of now at my disposal. I could lift this heavy sword and swing it as if it were a mere misericorde. When I blew on my fingertips, heavy rains dropped from the heavens. I called floods of Biblical proportions, but I was sure my God was not here. Nothing good was here.
Everywhere I turned, though, the beasts were winning. Their snarling rang in my ears and Krios was overwhelmed. I searched frantically for Thoth. The god still owed me.
I saw his familiar figure kneeling by a pile of dead satyrs. I lifted my sword—and I sprinted. Anything that dared approach me, I ran through and kicked their body to the ground.
When I reached him, Thoth was breathing heavy and so covered in wounds, it looked as if he were dipped in molten gold.
“You’re wounded.”
Thoth’s words were short and clipped. “You can help.”
“Me? How could I possibly help? You gave me rain clouds.”
Thoth put his hands against my cheeks, the only bare skin available. “First, you’ll need your memories. Your true ones.”
Stars streaked past my vision as the world spun, and I remembered. I remembered it all. My love affair with Thoth in ancient Egypt. His betrayal. The past lives he’d “gifted” me. I remembered trying to hide in a Roman cave in order to escape him for good and how he still found me. I remembered when he abandoned me and left me hanging from an ash tree, his taunts echoing in my ears.
I raised my broadsword, the anger of two-thousand years in my eyes. “I will kill you for everything you have done.”
Thoth laughed at that, a wet, gurgling sound. “Go ahead, but you might as well run that sword through yourself at the same time.”
I hesitated.
“That body is not immortal, my love, and even if it was, the gods have lost, if you haven’t noticed.”
“So I’m supposed to let you get away with centuries of cruelty?” I snarled.
“Doubtful. I promised you as Jeanne revenge. I meant it. Take us away now. Protect me and when I come out of stasis, I will set everything back the way it was. You will die as usual and be reborn, but I won’t make you drink the waters of Lethe. Your next lives will be free of ignorance and you will understand your power. Do with them what you will, and when I am recovered, we will talk about becoming Tefnut again.”
“I would rather die. I am a goddess. What need do I have as a mortal queen? What need do I have to negotiate with my tormentor?”
“Because you are not yet Tefnut. Not fully, in any case, and you never will be without my help. Saving me is the best option you have. I’m in no shape to reverse the curse right now. I need time to heal.”
“And then what?”
“We strike a new bargain. It should only take a few centuries to heal myself.”
He looked over my shoulder, wincing. He was never very good at physical pain, preferring to outwit his enemies in more subtle ways. There was something subtle here I was missing. I was sure. But what choice did I have? If I helped Thoth now, I would be reborn as another mortal woman and bide my time. With Thoth wounded and recovering, I’d have plenty of time to plot my revenge.
And if I let Thoth be captured and exiled behind the pillars? This cycle of death and rebirth would continue forever. I would never be free. I would never be myself again.
Magic bubbled up my gauntlets and enveloped his body, bringing it to float near my hip. “I will always hate you,” I told him before I ascended, dragging him behind me.
Already, I could feel this mortal body protesting at the magic it was being forced to sustain. It wouldn’t last long.
“See, my love?” Thoth whispered as we came out of the vision, the acrid smell of burnt fur and flesh still lining my nose and mouth as if we’d truly been at the last battle of the Archon Wars. “You could have left me with the rest of the gods, but you didn’t. You were too afraid of your own mortality. Tell me why this form, this Ava Falcetti, is any different. Search! You will find nothing but fear in your breast still. You were afraid if I truly disappeared, locked in Axis Mundi forever, I’d take the knowledge of how to break your curse with me, and then you’d never return to your immortal body. You weren’t willing to take the chance then and you won’t now.”
I gasped, my breath coming hard and fast as I adjusted to take in all of this new information. Coronis and Mak had seen it. I’d hoped they’d misjudged the situation or there was something else at play. But no. I had helped Thoth of my own free will because I was afraid.
Thoth continued. “Forgive me for thinking this time will be the same. That you would rather continue our little game over the next few centuries, buying time for a better outcome. As I said, it has been so very dull waiting for you to make a more interesting move.”
I smiled at that.
“What?” he asked.
“I have re-lived my lives. I have seen centuries of moves and counter moves. I have gleaned knowledge, and that knowledge has led me to power even you can’t understand. I promise you, there is much about me that is interesting.”
Despite his bravado, Thoth’s face mirrored the truth of my words. For the first time in centuries, he couldn’t fathom me. It made me unpredictable and dangerous.
“Then, let us stop these games and find out what you are truly capable of.” He began to chant. “Now let the wolf even flee before the sheep, let rugged oaks bear golden apples, let alders bloom with daffodils, let tamarisks distill rich amber from their bark, let owls, too, vie with swans—” the god of wisdom cut off, waiting a heartbeat before plucking a swirling hieroglyph off of his chest and flicking it at me.
Chapter Thirty-Five
I bloomed mother magic, and the blaze died a foot from my nose, the hieroglyph disintegrating into ash. Still, my eyebrows singed from the heat of his spell. He was a god of magic and wisdom, after all.
A cool wind swept through the gardens. “A storm is coming, Thoth. Do you feel it?”
“We have fought before, and I have bested you in every way and every time.”
“You mean when you dragged me back to Ra after I ran away? You know what I think? I think I was running away from you.” The Emerald Tablets were on my mind. I remembered creeping through the rush-lit tunnel and finding Thoth asleep on the bed, the scent of lemons on the breeze. “Did you know I was going to look in the scrolls?”
“Obviously. I knew you’d try to harm me with my own alchemic knowledge, so I left a very useful curse.”
And here, we were finally getting to the truth. I didn’t reincarnate because I was a wolf turned into a human by a god. No, quite the opposite. I was doomed to die and be reborn because I dared to cross Thoth. He boobytrapped his scrolls. The only question was why. Why did I run away? Why was he outraged to the point of this curse? And the wolf? What the hell was that about?
“Did you turn me into a wolf for one of the lifetimes?” I asked.
Thoth opened his mouth and promptly closed it. For once, he looked sheepish. “Actually, that wasn’t me. That was your attempt to escape me. I must admit, I was impressed by the lengths you were willing to go and the magics your mortal bodies managed to possess, but I still found you in the end.”
My words were clipped through my disgust. “It wasn’t enough to curse me out of my immortal body with the Emerald Tablets. You had to curse me twice. To also have twins who were doomed to fail. To die young. You had to hurt more innocent people just to hurt me.”
“That was just an after-effect. They were cursed to raise hell on an epic scale.”
“Why?”
“So that I would never again lose track of you.”
�
��That is some next-level stalker shit. What the hell did I ever do to you?” I fixed him with unblinking eyes. “Actually, I have a better question. Why would I run from you to begin with?”
“Because women are fickle. So like a cat. I never knew if you were going to scratch me or curl up at my side.”
I put up a finger. “Let me get this straight. You expect me to believe that I ran away because I was fickle, not because you did something horrible?” The idea was so absurd that I laughed, a genuine belly laugh that shook my shoulders and made tears come to my eyes.
Finally, I had gone too far. Before I could react, Thoth had his hands around my neck, no doubt hoping to kill this incarnation so he could wait for a better-suited one. One that didn’t find Aradia, gain a new family, and find her magic and her truth all on her own. One who actually believed his bullshit.
“Not this time, Thoth.” I screamed and kicked him in the groin. I didn’t know if his consciousness had a pair, but I was acting on autopilot. All instinct. I also blasted him with mother magic.
He rolled across the courtyard, smashing into a stone wall.
Slowly, he rose and dusted himself off, murder in his eyes. Good. I had grown tired of his banter.
Tiberius was still oozing his slime trail up the side of the castle. Our eyes met, and he nodded. At least, I thought that was what he did. It was hard to tell. Slugs don’t have much of a neck.
I ignored everything else, like the creepy landscape or the fact that I was on another plane of existence, and focused on my one, singular goal. Killing Thoth. I would rather die with him, forever, rather than let him escape Nibiru or continue this incessant game for another ten centuries. I couldn’t even fathom that. I would stop being so cowardly.
Wiping his memory hadn’t worked, but that wasn’t my ultimate plan. It would’ve just made it easier. Only chaotic Set could kill Osiris, so I let the rage boil over, fully embracing my chaos magic. I could feel Nibiru holding me back, dampening its effects, and still it snapped in black winds and curled around my wrists. Its power welled up like tears threatening to break loose, but I held them in for a few more seconds as I gathered myself.
Finally, I thrust my emotions at him, bearing down on all of my fury. It oozed out of me in stinking sheets of sulfur and brimstone, rushing toward him in a wave. A scream burst forth at the immense effort.
Thoth leapt to the balustrade of the castle turret and ducked inside.
“If that’s how you want to play it,” I muttered.
I released a second stream of chaos, hot as an Egyptian desert windstorm and just as piercing. Strands of it flew into the night. It winged up like a swarm of locusts moving as one, became a gaping maw, and descended in search of its prey. It was terrifying to watch, but if I shielded my eyes or blinked too long, it lost all mass. My anger alone fueled it, and I would not be sated.
Together, my clouds of anger pursued Thoth, cornering him. Chaos whipped around the castle walls, tearing it apart stone by stone. The god ducked around a frayed, damask curtain and sprinted down the stone hallway. For once, he looked terrified.
As he ran, he flung more hieroglyphs from his chest. They shattered around me, some exploding like landmines, others weaving noxious poisons through the air.
It didn’t matter. My hatred protected me.
The whole space grew dark, matching my mood, and still my anger tracked him. It cornered him in the courtyard, black swaths of destruction encircling him as he cowered.
“It is time to pay for your misdeeds,” I called.
“So, this is how it ends, my love?”
That last part, the audacity of appealing to love, propelled me forward. I put my arms in a X in front of me and let a new wave of chaos ripple outwards. Thoth took it full blast, his head snapping back so hard that he fell to the ground and convulsed, the chaos disassembling him at his very essence.
My hair whipped across my face, as more chaotic magic streamed forth from my body. It poured from my arms and legs, tugging at my chest and navel. I was sure I looked terrifying. Frankly, I felt that way, as if I no longer controlled my fire-winged beast.
Thoth’s flesh began to burn off of his bones, his hieroglyphs losing their form and structure. He was dying. I could see it with my own eyes.
So why did he look so satisfied?
He staggered to his knees, his mouth a grim smile, and pulled more chaos into his failing body, accelerating his decline. His muscles and sinews were stripped away in pieces and still he smiled.
Frantic, I tried to decide what to do. Which was the manipulation? Let go or keep going?
“What are you doing?” I shouted.
“What you didn’t have the strength to do,” he gasped.
Late. Too late, I realized my mistake. I had won, and yet, I was sure he had tricked me.
I tried to pull back, but my chaos continued to pour forth as if it were being yanked out of me. I was a thread unraveling. Thoth let out a feral scream as my chaos consumed him.
I sprinted to his body, unsure what I was going to do once I reached it. I knelt by his head, which was no more than a skull, until even that disintegrated between my fingers. Golden dust swirled into the violent winds, whispering.
Laughing.
With Thoth gone, the storm raging around me died instantly, and an eerie calm reigned over the chaos. I captured a golden ember in the palm of my hand, the last remaining essence of Thoth’s consciousness.
The moment it touched my skin, I saw it. Across the realms, in the little crypt under the basilica, the body of the dying god gasped and sat up.
Chapter Thirty-Six
“Tiberius!” I screamed his name again, more desperately this time. I needed to get back to Aradia to help my friends, and for that, I needed my guide.
My friend.
Frantically, I searched the wall, the one he had been oozing across during the battle. It was in ruins, its stones scattered across the courtyard. With Thoth gone, I kept expecting Tiberius to bound out from one of the holes in his chipmunk form, his tail flicking and his war paint ready. But no matter how many times I called, he never appeared. I didn’t even find a trail of slime or nuts to follow.
“Tiberius?”
My brain refused to entertain the impossible, that my chaos magic had destroyed him while setting Thoth free. Yet, the truth stared me in the face. Everything around me had been scorched, as if the goddess of chaos had paid it a visit, which pretty much summed up what had happened. I was practically chaos incarnate.
I pushed the panic and guilt away, and tried to focus. Thoth had been destroyed. I was certain of that, having seen it with my own eyes. But clearly I was also a novice at this goddess thing. More Ava than Tefnut. That’s why I failed to see the truth: that a god’s death only leads to its rebirth. No wonder the supernaturals banished the gods, rather than trying to kill them. Death would’ve only led to a never ending cycle.
Now, I was the one banished, stuck in a realm of shadows and shades, with no way to escape. Without me there to stop him, would Thoth enslave my friends and force them to help in his wicked plans? Of course he would. We were beasts to him.
No, they were beasts to him. I was something else.
For at least an hour, I ran in literal circles, searching the maze and the halls of the castle, peering around corners and desperately calling for Tiberius. I refused to admit defeat. It felt too real, too final. I could still tell myself that this was all a trick Thoth had played. But if I admitted it, really, truly admitted I had caused the one thing I’d set out to stop—
My knees buckled. I collapsed to the ground. The weight of my failure was heavier than anything I’d carried before. Everyone I loved was in danger, and I would rot in this fairy tale castle. The shades that lingered in the fringes would feast on the worthless magic in my bones and suck it from the marrow. Even now, I could feel their gaze directed at me and their hunger, too. It was clear why Thoth needed a fortress. Unfortunately, my chaos had just destroyed all of its prot
ections.
Now that the adrenaline had worn off, I stayed curled in a tight ball on the floor of the castle. I was so very tired, as if I also fought myself every night when I tried to sleep. I could do nothing more than will away the pain and wish for Coronis’s warm, healing touch. Cuts and bruises crisscrossed my body from Thoth’s searing hieroglyphs and battle magic. They wove a tapestry of our hate. They told our story.
For the thousandth time, I wished Tiberius were here, alive and chittering. I couldn’t help but think selfish thoughts, like how he could have found Queen Dido, Gianna, and Caterina for me. I could use my squad right now. I was so stupid to think I could do this alone.
Clouds passed overhead, and more dark shadows gathered at the periphery of Thoth’s maze, drawn by my god magic. Most did not look human. It was only a matter of time before one of the hungry shades decided to test me.
Still, Tiberius did not show, and I had no choice but to try to find a way out myself. Was I abandoning him or admitting the inevitable? My guilt crisscrossed my body as deeply and surely as the wounds from Thoth.
Slowly, I stood and stretched out my arms and legs. They creaked and cracked. Apparently, confronting a god built up a lot of lactic acid.
I only had one lead: we had dropped into this realm. I searched the sky, looking for the exit. My mortal eyes didn’t see anything—no crack or gap or gateway—so I closed them and shot rays of magic in random directions, looking for weak spots between the realms. Nothing bent to my will, and not for the first time, a terrifying thought wormed its way into my brain. That I would die here, alone. Away from my friends. Unable to protect my sons.
Of all my visions since arriving on Aradia, this one felt the most real. I saw Aurick imprisoned for helping a traitor, my friends enslaved by a vengeful god, and my sons? I saw them fully engulfed by the curse, stuck fast in its terrifying power and its awful destruction.