The memory was whirring in her mind. Jagged edges of sounds and colours pierced her consciousness. Closing her eyes didn’t help; it just brought everything into clearer focus. She didn’t want to see his face again. She couldn’t bear to replay the memory any more. The pit of her stomach started to lurch as the nausea hit her. She let him die. She should have saved him. Those poisonous words echoed over and over until she wanted to scream them out of her head.
‘They were so angry when I told them. So angry they couldn’t even shout at me. I wished they had. I wanted them to scream at me, tell me off, but instead they were silent. My mum wouldn’t look at me. They called the ambulance but … but by the time they came, it was too late. He’d been so cold. His body was in so much shock that his heart just gave up.’
Her fingernails were digging so deeply into his hand she was surprised he was still holding hers.
‘I should have done more. I shouldn’t have let him run off. I should have told my parents straight away. But I didn’t. I didn’t do anything.’ The tears were sticking in her throat, leaving little room for breath. Why did she start telling this story? She was losing control and she hated it. She needed to focus.
‘You did. You did everything you could.’
‘But I should have done more. They blamed me. They both blamed me. I know they did. They could barely look at me afterwards. Every time I tried to explain or go near them, they’d walk away in tears. I just wanted him safe. That’s all I ever wanted, I promise.’ Sobs were starting to rack her chest. The thread that had been holding her together so tightly for so many years was quickly unravelling.
‘Alice, it wasn’t your fault. Do you hear me? It wasn’t your fault. You were just a little girl.’
She tried everything she could to maintain control, but it was becoming harder and harder to hold on.
‘Alice, it’s OK not to be OK. You can cry and be angry and scream and shout if you want to.’
‘If I start, I’m scared I’ll never stop.’ Her voice sounded so small and childlike, yet the fear came through loud and clear.
‘It will. Eventually it will. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.’
With those words, the final stitch in her armour was cut. The thread fell to the floor as the wave of grief took her breath away. She leant into the sobs that rang out from deep inside her. She didn’t try and quieten the pain any more. There was no point. It was coming out, demanding to be heard. The air was so thick with sorrow she half expected to see it hanging as fog in front of her eyes. Instead she saw nothing but his hand holding hers. She couldn’t remember when she fell asleep, or even if she stopped crying as she dreamed, but she knew he was holding her.
28
Alfie
There were so many moments during the night when Alfie wanted to tear down the curtain and take her in his arms. He was scared to fall asleep in case she needed him. Even as he heard her sobs fade into the sounds of sleeping, he fought to keep his eyes open. Mostly he ended up staring at the curtain, telling himself that one look at her wouldn’t hurt anyone. She wouldn’t know. The voice urging him on would grow louder and more convincing, to the point where he would be reaching over to pull the fabric back just a tiny bit, and then …
No.
This is her choice.
You can’t take without asking.
They had come so far – was he really willing to risk her trust in him already? No. He would wait. He would ask her when the time was right.
Thinking back on everything she’d told him, it was no surprise that she was so closed off. It must be hard to let people in when you’d been hurt that badly and, as much as Alfie wanted to believe that last night’s conversation would change everything between them, he knew better. The walls she’d built for most of her life weren’t suddenly going to come crashing down. Their talk wasn’t going to be the magic key that unlocked everything, and he knew he had to prepare himself to be pushed away again.
As he watched the sun rise, he waited silently. He wanted to give her the freedom to choose her reaction. How did she want to play today?
‘Hey.’ Her voice was drowsy and hoarse from the crying but it was welcoming. It said, I’m tired and I’m weary and I’m feeling fucking vulnerable today, but what it definitely didn’t say was, Get away from me, or Leave me alone.
He let out a sigh of relief.
‘I’m not going to ask how you are because I think I can guess.’
‘I’m not feeling my best, I won’t lie.’ She laughed. It was that tentative shy laugh that warmed his soul a little. ‘Thank you for last night. I don’t quite know what to say except thank you.’
‘You don’t need to say anything else. Like I said, I’m not going anywhere.’
Silence.
Good silence.
Accepting, understanding silence.
‘Everything all right over here this morning? Being as annoyingly adorable as ever, Alfie?’ Nurse Angles was making her way across the ward, straight towards him.
‘You know me. Can’t help something that comes so naturally, I guess.’ He winked at her as she burst into a blinding smile.
‘We’re going to miss you around here when you leave us, Mr Mack. You’re the sunshine of this place.’ He laughed to mask the panic that quickly pierced his stomach.
‘Isn’t that right, Mr Peterson?’ she called across the ward.
Silence.
Not a good silence.
A worrying, unusual, alarming silence.
‘Mr P? Didn’t you hear that? Mother Angel over here was just being especially nice to me. I’m surprised you’re missing out on an opportunity to take me off that pedestal.’ Alfie tried to make his voice light-hearted, but there was a definite edge to it.
Nothing.
‘I’ll go have a check on him, sweetheart. I’m sure he’s just sleeping. Mr Peterson, is everything OK over here?’ He could hear Nurse Angles closing the curtains behind her.
Say something, please.
‘OK, honey. OK, sure. I’ll get your breakfast then ask the doctor to come and check on you.’
A faint grunt of acknowledgement followed by the curtain being drawn.
‘He’s not feeling too well, Alfie. Says he’s OK but a little tired. I’m going to get the doctor to check in, just in case.’
He smiled and nodded, aware of how discreet she was being.
It’s OK. He’s a ninety-two-year-old man. He’s allowed to be tired.
The reassuring words played in a continuous loop until at last he saw the doctor appear. Alfie quickly analysed his approach. As a resident, you soon learnt to assess the severity of a situation by the way the doctors walked. This guy was in no hurry. He sauntered across the ward, distracted by his notes and saying hello to the nurses on his way. There was no rushing, no urgency. Everything was going to be fine.
‘Bloody fuss about nothing. Just a bit of dehydration. Probably because they put about a litre of salt in every goddam meal in this place,’ scoffed the old man after the fifth time he’d been checked on by the nurses.
‘Oh please, Mr P, don’t you dare pretend you’re not enjoying all the attention.’
‘Ach, give it a rest, will you, boy. And do me a favour? Go and annoy someone else today, will you? I’m in a bloody awful mood as it is.’
Alfie looked at his friend. Was it really just a bad mood? Or was there something else?
‘Get away with you, kid. Stop giving me that look. I’m fine!’
Alfie did as he was told and left Mr P alone. He seemed like the normal grumpy old man he’d come to know and love, yet something was telling Alfie not to be so sure.
Maybe he wasn’t the only one who wore a mask in this place.
*
The rest of the day held nothing new or out of the ordinary which, to Alfie, felt like a blessing after the unwelcome excitement of the morning. He didn’t even mind that Alice had gone quiet; he assumed she was still processing their conversation last night. Which reminded h
im that he should probably be doing the same thing.
It was, after all, because of Alfie that Alice’s emotional outburst had happened. He’d spoken about the most harrowing night of his life, and to his surprise, he wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed about it. In fact, the only thing he felt was an overwhelming relief. Storing all of that noise in his head had been more of a burden than he had realized. He hoped that eventually Alice would feel the same way.
Alice. Alice. Always thinking about Alice.
No matter how hard he tried to keep focused on himself, Alfie found his mind constantly drifting back to her. There were so many questions he wanted to ask, but none were appropriate so early on in their friendship. He wanted to know what had happened after her brother died. What had caused so much tension between her and her mum? Where was her dad in all of this? Most of all, he found himself wondering if she was lonely. This last one he found too upsetting to think about for long. Or maybe it was because he already knew the answer.
‘You’re worried about him, aren’t you?’ Her quiet voice, almost a whisper, crept through the curtains.
‘Huh?’ Her question caught him off guard.
‘Mr Peterson … you’re worried about him.’
How had she known?
‘Yeah, maybe. I know everyone is saying he’s fine, but something feels off and I can’t seem to shake it.’
‘If he’s not fine, at least he’s in the best place.’
‘Yeah, I know.’
Logically, a hospital ward was the safest place to be, but Alfie still couldn’t quite convince himself that he didn’t need to worry.
‘Can I ask you something?’ Her voice was still a little tentative.
It was a strange feeling, being the one on the receiving end of the questions; nice, but strange.
‘Of course.’
‘Are you scared about leaving this place?’
Had she literally been inside his head?
‘Honestly?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’m terrified.’
‘Do … do you know when you’re going?’ If he didn’t know better, he would say she almost sounded nervous.
‘No. Well … soon, apparently. It all rests on me being signed off by the physio team, and they’re quite happy with how I’m doing. Then it’s my final assessment. Maybe I should start being a little less awesome in my sessions from now on.’
‘I think everyone on the ward would appreciate that.’
Even you? he wanted to ask.
‘Not sure Mr Peterson would always agree with that, but maybe I’ll stay just to have the pleasure of annoying him some more.’
‘Do you think you’ll go back to what you were doing before?’
‘What, being the happy-go-lucky, loveable yet incredibly infuriating human being I was? I’m sure I can still manage that with one leg!’
‘Alfie.’
He forgot for a moment that she’d seen underneath his humour. He couldn’t easily laugh his way through conversations any more.
‘Sorry.’ He paused to think. What was he going to do when he got out of here? ‘I mean, I guess I assumed I would slot back into life before I left. My flat’s ready and waiting for my grand return, and I can’t imagine doing anything else with my life except teaching. I wouldn’t want to do anything else with my life. Those kids are the best and worst things about my every day. But is it possible to be a PE teacher with one leg? I really don’t know. I hope so.’
‘Aha.’ She chuckled. ‘You’re a teacher. That makes a lot of sense.’
‘I’m taking that as a compliment.’ He smiled, turning himself over to face the curtain.
‘Have you spoken to the school yet? Surely they can’t discriminate against you for having a disability. That would be illegal, and not to mention setting an awful example for the kids.’
He sensed an organized, practical Alice joining the conversation. Perhaps this was a small glimpse of the woman before the accident, a woman he imagined storming the office floors and taking absolutely zero prisoners.
‘All right, Mum.’ He’d had these thoughts over and over again, yet he still hadn’t actually done anything about it. Was he lazy? No. Was he terrified of hearing something he didn’t want to? Hell, yes.
‘Sorry, it’s just—’
‘It’s fine. I will speak to them. I know I’m avoiding it, but right now holding on to the hope I can still go back is helping me cope with the thought of leaving this place. Ideally I’d go back home, adjust a bit, and when I’ve dealt with not being fed and watered 24/7 then I’ll face it. If I think about doing everything all at once it becomes impossible.’
‘I can understand that.’ She sounded deep in thought.
‘Have you thought about what you’re going to do?’ He tried to keep his question casual and light-hearted. He was aware that without seeing her properly, he had no idea what the extent of her injuries was, both emotionally and physically. He’d seen the dressings on her hand, heard the snippets of conversations with the doctors. The physio regime. The wound care. But he knew it was still a very sensitive subject and one that he’d have to navigate carefully.
‘Considering the fact I can’t even look at my own face in a mirror right now, it doesn’t bode well for me returning to work.’
She hasn’t even seen her own face?
Jesus, how bad is it?
‘What was your job? I’m guessing something ridiculously high-flying and important?’
Alfie prided himself on being a good judge of character, but he reckoned anyone who spent even two minutes with Alice could guess she had a very prestigious and well-paid job.
‘I was a director at one of the big financial consultancy firms. I led teams of fifty people, and now I’m scared to even go to the toilet in case someone sees me and runs away.’
‘Well, luckily for you they close the whole bloody ward down when you want to go anywhere. It’s like living with Beyoncé.’
She snorted out a laugh. God, he really loved it when she did that.
‘Oh, please, I am way more demanding than her and you know it!’ He was so tempted to pull back the curtains and see for himself who this complicated, wonderful stranger really was.
Just one look.
‘Until I see you forcing Nurse Angles to give you only the red M&M’s, I’d say the jury is out on that one.’
‘Red? I’m a blue kind of girl every day! Way more E-numbers in them.’ The lightness suddenly dropped from her tone. ‘Seriously though. I feel like such a different person sometimes that I don’t even know if I could ever fit back into my old life. Some days I lie here and dream about giving everything up and leaving London behind me. A part of me just wants to escape to Australia, make Sarah build me a granny flat and see out my days there.’
‘OK, so why don’t you go? After all this, book a ticket and just go!’
‘Maybe.’ Her voice went quiet.
‘How did you two meet?’ He hoped it was a long and intricate story. He wanted to keep her talking for as long as possible.
‘First day of university.’
‘Ah, I bet you two were at some wild party, bonding over copious amounts of cheap alcohol and terrible dance moves. Am I right?’
Alice burst out laughing. The sound made Alfie’s face instantly break into a wide grin.
‘Not quite.’
‘Go on …’ He longed to be able to see the expression on her face right now. But all he had was the plain blue curtain staring back at him.
‘We met at the vending machine in our halls. Both of us were trying to secretly swerve the first night of freshers’ week by buying snacks and hiding in our rooms. She made a comment about my poor choice of crisps, which to this day I defend and love dearly, and that was it. We spent the night hiding away from both our sets of hideously drunk flatmates, watching movies and drinking wine.’
‘Wow. I don’t know what to ask first. Why you were hiding or what crisps you chose.’
Her laugh floored him
again, this time with a warm feeling in his stomach.
‘They were paprika McCoy’s.’
‘And you were hiding because?’ He leant a little closer to the curtain.
‘I don’t know really. I went to university to get away from home. For me it was a fresh start. To escape the life I wanted to forget. I wasn’t there to make friends or lose my mind to alcohol and hormone-filled boys. I think Sarah was the same. She had her head screwed on. She was as determined as I was to get her degree and get out of there into the adult world. We were inseparable after that night.’
‘So when did she leave for Australia?’
‘About two years ago now. It had always been a dream of hers to live abroad, and after she got married to Raph they decided to just do it. So that was that and off they went. Ever since she moved, she’s been asking me to visit. Funny how I never seemed to have the time – everything else was more urgent or important.’
‘You should go!’ Alfie couldn’t believe she was even hesitating.
‘I’m thinking about it.’
‘No offence, Alice, but I’m not too sure what there is to really think about.’
‘You haven’t seen me though, have you?’
Her retort was quick and cutting. He’d forgotten just how easily her words could sting.
‘No, you’re right, I haven’t. I would love to though. And if I did, I’m sure it wouldn’t stop me wanting to see you again.’
Silence.
Please God, not the silence again.
‘Goodnight, Alfie.’
Before I Saw You Page 11