46
Alfie
He didn’t know what was more exhausting, waking up after a night of vivid dreaming or waking up after having a late-night conversation with Alice. Both seemed to pull deeply at his heart and leave him more than a little drained. This morning, though, alongside the heavy tiredness there was a giddy feeling. An excitement that hummed deep inside his stomach. How much had she shared with him last night! He couldn’t believe how much she had opened up and also how very painful her life had been growing up. That story alone would explain the walls she’d put up and her deep-rooted independence. The mystery of Alice Gunnersley was slowing unravelling.
‘Morning, Alice. Mr Warring said he would be down to see you shortly. I wanted to let you know in case you needed more time to think.’ Nurse Angles didn’t even ask permission to go into her cubicle these days. Alfie watched as she walked straight in without thought or apology.
‘That’s fine, thank you.’ Her voice sounded thick with sleep.
Did this mean she knew what she was going to do?
Please, Alice. Don’t rush into this.
Luckily he didn’t have long to wait for the answers before the figure of Mr Warring appeared, striding down the ward. Was she really going to do this without Sarah here?
She’s not a child, Alfie.
He was panicking and he knew it.
‘Hello, Alice. It’s Mr Warring. May I come in?’
‘Sure.’ She was quiet; maybe some uncertainty had crept back in. Maybe she would ask for more time.
Alfie shifted his weight over again to listen in close.
‘So, it’s been a few days since we last spoke, and I wanted to get a sense of where you are with our conversation.’
Just say it bluntly, doctor. Do you want to undergo major surgery all over again for the sake of a few scars?
He knew he was being unfair but this anger was appearing out of nowhere.
‘I want the surgery and I want it as soon as possible.’
Her assurance was loud and clear. There was no hint of doubt.
‘OK then, we will get you scheduled in. I’ll let you know dates and we can talk details then.’
And so it was done.
He knew he couldn’t be here right now. If Alice dared to try and talk to him, he was afraid of what emotional outpouring would escape him. He needed space to breathe and to think and to be.
Hauling himself up, he reached for his prosthesis and attached it as quickly and quietly as possible. Now was not the time to draw attention to himself. Slowly, he extricated himself from the bed and was out of the ward without any word from Alice.
Somewhat unconsciously, he found himself standing outside in the courtyard again. This little patch of outdoors was quickly becoming a place of refuge for him. He made his way over to the swing bench in the corner and allowed himself to sink down and wallow in his thoughts.
There was one he couldn’t seem to let go of.
Why am I so against the surgery?
If he really cared about Alice, surely he would just want her to be happy?
Alfie closed his eyes and let the answers bubble up from within.
There they were, clear as day, the lifeless bodies of Ciarán and Ross staring up at him.
He couldn’t save them. Nearly every night, his dreams showed him how he had failed to save the two people in the world who had needed him most. Despite his best attempts, despite dragging his body across the road to reach them, he’d been too weak, too hurt, and too pathetic to get to them in time. He could have done more. He should have done more. For the rest of his life he would have to live with the knowledge he had let them down. Would protecting Alice somehow make up for his previous failings? Had his natural inclination to help morphed into something more intense? He knew the risks of surgery were small, but after the pain he’d endured he didn’t want any possibility of loss in his life, no matter how long the odds were. He couldn’t lose her. Not on his watch. He simply wouldn’t.
‘You all right, buddy?’
Alfie jerked his head up so violently he gave himself head rush; he had been so lost in his own thoughts he hadn’t heard anyone approach. He breathed a sigh of relief when he realized it was Darren standing over him.
‘Oh, hey, yeah, I’m OK.’ His voice betrayed him with a slight wobble.
‘Mind if I sit?’ Everything inside Alfie wanted to say no – wasn’t it obvious he needed space? But then again, this was Darren, the nicest man on the planet. He shifted over, making a little room for him on the swing. ‘I saw you as I was walking past – you seemed a bit off so I thought I’d check in.’
Alfie’s gaze was fixed determinedly on a group of ants in front of him.
‘You want to tell me what’s going on?’
Alfie bit his tongue and dropped his head lower.
Darren was playing the waiting game, and Alfie realized the only way to get him to leave was to give him what he wanted.
‘One of my friends is thinking about having major surgery to correct her face. She was badly burnt in a fire. I don’t know how much damage there is. I haven’t seen her – she won’t let me see her – but I do know it would be purely cosmetic.’
‘Ah.’ It suddenly dawned on Alfie that Darren knew Alice. He’d treated her. He’d seen her. ‘And you don’t think she should have it?’
Ever the professional, Darren didn’t acknowledge that Alice was the subject of their conversation. Alfie couldn’t ignore the pang of guilt that hit him hard. He felt himself grow suddenly defensive. ‘I just don’t think she should put herself through all of that risk and uncertainty and stress for no reason.’ His fists were balled tightly now.
‘But that’s her choice. Not yours.’
He should have known Darren was not the person to talk to about this. Of course he wouldn’t get it; he was too nice for his own good.
‘Don’t you think I know that?’ His voice came out louder than he intended, but it felt good to shout. Alfie didn’t care that people were staring at him. Let them stare. ‘I keep thinking, what if she dies? What if she dies and I didn’t try to stop her?’
He felt Darren’s hand on his back. A warm, comforting, solid hand. Alfie shook his head as the tears came.
‘It’s not your job to save her, Alfie.’
Alfie was so tense he could feel his fingernails making cuts into his palms.
‘I’m sorry if it’s not what you want to hear, mate, but I’ll always be honest with you.’
Alfie knew he was right, but a part of him still wanted to scream in Darren’s face. Instead he chose to remain stubbornly wordless.
‘Right, buddy, I have to run to my next appointment. You know where I am if you need me.’ He gave Alfie a gentle pat on the back then stood up to leave, pausing for a moment.
‘Thanks, Darren.’
The words were so small, but he knew Darren had heard them.
Another gentle pat and he was gone.
47
Alice
As she watched the doctor leave, Alice felt the urge to tell someone. To let someone know she’d made this decision and taken back control. The feeling of wanting to volunteer her news was a foreign one. For so long the only person she concerned with her business was herself. The act of sharing felt new and exciting. Just as she was about to turn to call for Alfie, she heard the familiar sounds of him going. The rustle of the bed sheets, the small groan as he prepared to lift himself up, and the solid noise of his prosthetic footsteps.
Where on earth is he going so early?
No matter. He’d be back, and until then she would just sit patiently and soak up the sounds around her. The sounds that hopefully she wouldn’t have to endure for very much longer.
I’m getting my life back.
This is the first step to getting my life back.
‘So it’s a pain au chocolat for the lady … of course …’ The voice of her best friend cut through the ward. ‘And I went wild with an almond croissant for the gentleman.
Wait. Al, where’s Alfie?’ Sarah poked her head around Alice’s curtain.
‘No idea, he left quite early this morning.’ Alice shrugged her shoulders. ‘I’m sure he’s not gone far.’ She had more important things to discuss than Alfie’s whereabouts.
‘Yeah, true. In the meantime, I’m starving so I’m going to eat his croissant as punishment for being missing in action. Don’t tell him though, I can’t handle the stress of his moaning today.’ She’d already taken a bite before the sentence was finished.
‘Mr Warring came round this morning to talk about the surgery.’
‘Oh?’ Sarah paused, flakes of pastry hanging from her lips.
‘I’m going ahead with it. They’re scheduling a time as we speak. It’s actually happening, Sarah.’ The combination of relief and excitement made Alice’s stomach somersault with hope.
‘I’m so happy for you, Al.’ She wrapped her arms tightly around her. ‘I’m going to be scared shitless and worried about you from the moment you go under, but if it’s going to help you then I support you all the way.’ She nuzzled her face in closer.
‘Thank you.’
Sarah pulled back and faced her with a stern look in her eye. ‘Now, there’s something else we need to discuss …’
Jesus Christ, what more is there?
‘Tomorrow is my last day, and we need to celebrate in style. I don’t want any tears. We need to go out with a bang, OK?’
Shit. How could I have forgotten that?
Alice had been so wrapped up in everything else she had missed the fact her best friend was leaving so soon.
‘No. Enough of that.’ Sarah pulled her closer. ‘What did I just say, Al? We are going to celebrate tomorrow. No more sadness, please. I think we’ve both had our fair share of that.’
Alice managed a weak smile. ‘Sure.’
Why was it always the way that everything seemed to happen at once? As Alice lay in the arms of her friend, a thought struck her: was she going to be able to go through with the surgery without her? The decision had felt so easy a moment ago, but that was when she had Sarah by her side. Could she face putting herself through all of that stress alone?
You’re not alone.
You have Alfie.
Where was he anyway?
‘For someone so meticulous about this agenda, he’s not taking his duties very seriously today, is he? We need our Chief Entertainment Officer back – surely it’s nearly puzzle-book time, or something?’ Sarah was peering round the curtain into the empty bay next door. Alice managed to snatch a peek at where the voice came from every day. It felt extremely personal and a little too intimate. Glimpsing where he slept, laughed and cried next to her was the closest she’d probably ever come to seeing Alfie.
Maybe not, if the surgery goes well.
No. She couldn’t think like that right now. She didn’t want to pin all her hopes on this one operation bringing her back to life, but she had to admit a part of her wanted it to.
‘Oh hallelujah, here he comes!’
‘Sarah! Close the curtain.’ Alice grabbed the material from her friend’s hands and drew the tiny gap shut. There was no way in hell she was about to reveal even an inch of herself.
‘Sorry, I didn’t think.’
‘It’s fine, I just panicked.’ Alice knew she’d overreacted but the ferocity seemed to burst out of her. These days her emotions were free-falling, coming and going as they pleased, and she hadn’t quite got the hang of controlling them.
‘I know.’ Sarah kissed her hand. ‘Alfie! Where have you been? I was about to send the troops out looking for you, but then Alice reminded me you probably wouldn’t be able to get too far.’
He laughed. It sounded forced and flat. ‘No, unfortunately I’m not quite fit for a prison break scenario yet.’
He’d avoided the question. Alice knew better than to push it, so she adopted one of Alfie’s own techniques: distraction.
‘I don’t want to be a stickler for the rules but someone did promise me a very in-depth entertainment schedule, and so far today we haven’t ticked off one single element of the itinerary!’
‘Ah yes, of course!’ Sarah chirped excitedly. ‘And as it’s my penultimate day here, I think I should be able to choose what we do.’
‘Wait – what?’ The shock was audible in his voice.
‘Tomorrow’s my last day.’
As they lay there side by side, Alice wondered if she’d be able to find a way to imprint every sensation of her friend on to her skin. How could she keep this moment for ever?
‘No way! That’s gone quickly!’
‘I know, and so tomorrow we are celebrating. I’ve already told Alice here that it’s not going to be a day of crying and commiserating. It’s not a final farewell – it’s just a temporary goodbye. So guess what? We are going to have a goddam party, OK?’ As she spoke, her voice grew louder and louder, until she was practically preaching her demands.
‘A party?’ Sharon called eagerly from across the ward. ‘Did someone say party?’
Alice rolled her eyes at Sarah.
‘Look what you’ve done,’ she hissed.
‘Don’t you worry, Sharon, no one in their right mind would think about having a party without inviting you. Nothing could get in the way of you and some Lambrini, and anyone that thinks otherwise is an idiot! We all know that,’ Alfie shouted back.
‘Too right!’ she remarked, clearly content with Alfie’s flattery.
‘You can thank me tomorrow, ladies, with an invite to this exclusive party of yours,’ he whispered.
With that, his wonderfully familiar hand burst through the curtains and he gave them a quick thumbs up.
‘You’re a smug bastard, aren’t you, Alfie.’ Sarah laughed.
‘Wouldn’t have me any other way though, would you?’
Alice smiled.
Not in a million years.
*
Sarah hadn’t been joking when she said they were going to celebrate. She arrived the next morning hidden under bags of food and drink.
‘Marks and Spencer’s finest party collection! Don’t say I don’t treat you.’ Alice rolled her eyes. ‘And don’t you dare look at me like that, young lady. I told you we were celebrating.’
Alice knew there was no point in arguing. Sarah did as Sarah wanted.
‘Salmon blini?’ She stuck the plate right under her nose.
‘Absolutely not.’
‘Don’t tell me you’re too good for a canapé?’
‘Sarah, it’s half ten in the morning.’
‘And?’
Her entire being flooded with love as she watched her friend shove three little pancakes into her mouth at once.
‘You go wild, I’ll join you later.’
‘Well’ – her mouth was still half full of salmon and cream cheese – ‘how about a little Buck’s Fizz then?’
Alice stared in disbelief as Sarah pulled five mini bottles out of her handbag. ‘You absolutely cannot be serious – right now?’
‘I am deadly serious. And guess what? These are just for starters! Look in that bag over there.’
Alice shook her head. She couldn’t bear to see what other contraband items she’d sneaked in. ‘Go on, but don’t make a song and dance over it. If Sharon gets a whiff, she’ll be all over us like a rash.’
‘Did someone just call me?’ Sharon’s confused voice rang out across the ward.
Sarah’s eyes were so wide they were practically popping out of her face.
Like two delirious schoolgirls, they crumpled into a heap of laughter.
‘What the hell is going on in there?’
‘The party has officially started, Alfie.’ Sarah sat up straight, grabbed a bottle of Buck’s Fizz and winked daringly at Alice.
‘Don’t. You. Dare,’ she mouthed. It was bad enough she’d brought the stuff in the first place, but to hand it round like chewing gum – that was going too far.
‘Show me what snacks you’ve got then!’ He soun
ded like such a little child Alice couldn’t resist it.
‘No,’ she shouted defiantly at him.
‘Aha, I see. Like that, is it? Well, how about I tell the nurses that Sarah over there has smuggled bottles of prosecco into the ward illegally?’
‘You wouldn’t dare!’ Sarah shouted.
‘Oh, I would. Now give me some sweets and I’ll keep my mouth shut.’
Reluctantly, Sarah reached into the bag and pulled out some Percy Pigs. ‘Fine. But that’s all you’re getting from us.’
His hand reached through to grab his reward. ‘Let’s see about that, shall we?’
The rest of the day was a heavenly mix of eating, laughing, and Sarah trying to force-feed Alice illegal alcoholic beverages. The nurses came and went, and every single one of them conveniently happened to miss the bag of bottles lying on the floor in front of them. Alice was beyond grateful at how amazing everyone had been by allowing Sarah to essentially move in as a resident while she’d been here.
As the night drew in, though, Alice’s mind started to switch into panic mode.
How long did they have left?
When would she have to go?
Surely she couldn’t stay all night?
Her fears were confirmed when their safe little bubble was burst by the presence of Nurse Bellingham.
‘What have I told you about being on this ward after hours? Am I not making myself clear?’
‘I’m sorry, Nurse Bellingham, it’s just tonight is my last night with Alice, and I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible.’
‘But once again you’re breaking protocol, and if you don’t leave in the next minute I’ll be forced to call security.’
‘As much as I find it hard to believe you’re going to waste precious hospital resources on me, I’ll go … but just give me five minutes and then you’ll never have to see me again. Deal?’
Nurse Bellingham gave one final defiant look, turned on her heel and left.
‘Argh! How can someone be so mean all the time?’ Sarah shook her head in disbelief. Alice could feel the anger bubbling out of her friend. Not exactly the best note to leave things on.
Before I Saw You Page 19