Every day Alice thought about trying to make conversation with Alfie, but each time she opened her mouth the sting of rejection closed it tight. There were so many moments when she wanted to cry out or scream, just to get some sort of reaction. Life was definitely less vibrant without him in it. She missed all of his annoying quirks, his jokes, his laugh and his incessant determination. Without him, her days were painfully quiet, and it was a quiet that ironically Alice no longer welcomed.
There had to be a way to make him see how sorry she was. There had to be a way to get through to him.
Then, just like that, a flash of inspiration took hold.
It was time to take on Alfie Mack at his own game.
50
Alfie
He knew she’d been battling with herself all day about whether or not to talk to him. The interesting thing about not being able to see someone was that you became incredibly attuned to the sound of them. Every time she opened her mouth to try to speak, he would stop what he was doing to listen in. Despite the small sparks of enjoyment he relished from her anguish, there was a much bigger part of him that wished they could go back to the way they were, back to the way it was only a few days ago. In the space of a few hours, he’d lost two of the most important people in his life on the ward. Loneliness was not a familiar feeling for Alfie and he was starting to understand how one could die from the pain of it.
Normally Alfie would find the silence unbearable. He supposed that previously he would have been the one lightening the mood, trying to find a way to cheer people up and make them laugh, but not any more. Instead, he ended up spending his day staring blankly at the pages of his puzzle book while trying to push all thoughts of Mr Peterson out of his mind. The only person he would want to talk to about what had happened was exactly the same person who had let him down so deeply. The conflict was too much to bear.
He couldn’t quite believe the relief that washed over him when it was time for his physio appointment. At last! Something to take him away and distract him. When Alfie arrived in the little side lounge, he was in such a daze that it took a moment for him to register the scene before him.
Had he missed something? What was going on?
Standing in the centre of the room was Darren, holding a massive ‘Congratulations’ balloon and wearing an overwhelmingly large smile on his face. Alfie looked behind himself.
‘Alfie! Buddy!’ Darren came towards him, obviously sensing his confusion. ‘Guess what?’
Alfie continued looking around, attempting to piece everything together so that it made some sort of sense. ‘What’s going on?’ he mumbled.
‘We’re signing you off, mate! We’re happy to let you loose on the outside world!’ Darren wrapped him into a firm embrace. Alfie just stood there, frozen.
Sensing the awkwardness, Darren stepped back. ‘OK, so maybe the balloon was a bit over the top.’
‘Hey, no, not at all! It’s great, it’s really great … thanks!’ He forced a smile and gave Darren another slightly more accepting embrace.
His performance clearly went some way to comforting Darren as he sheepishly shrugged his shoulders. ‘Well, it was the least we could do. I know it hasn’t been easy, and with everything else that’s been going on lately …’ Alfie avoided his gaze. ‘I just wanted to give you some good news.’
‘Wait, does this mean no more physio?’ Alfie joked, praying that he wouldn’t be forced back to the ward so soon.
‘Absolutely not, my friend. We have one more proper session and then you’ll see the doctor for a final assessment. And while I have you, I am going to make every single second count, so hurry up and get yourself in there before we change our minds!’
It turned out Darren wasn’t joking. That afternoon Alfie was subjected to one of the most gruelling sessions he’d ever had, and it certainly wasn’t helped by the continual ‘things won’t be this easy on the outside, Alfie’ commentary. Even though life on the ward well and truly sucked right now, the thought of actually being outside and dealing with real life was definitely still more terrifying. Everything felt like it was suddenly happening all at once. A sequence of events crashing into one another so quickly that, by the time he’d tried to stop one from falling, two more had already been knocked down.
He had been signed off.
He had reached the final step to getting out of here.
He couldn’t believe it.
He would be going home soon.
Are you really going to leave things like this with her?
He couldn’t think about that right now. There were too many factors involved. Firstly, he was still so goddam angry with her, and secondly, it was hard to concentrate on anything when Darren was going all boot camp on him. But no matter how much Darren shouted at him, or how hard Alfie tried to ignore it, the question refused to leave his thoughts.
By the time he got back to the ward, he was exhausted. The moment he set eyes on his bed, relief surged through him. At last! Rest! But just as he was about to throw himself down, a piece of paper on his bedside table caught his eye. That had definitely not been there when he left for physio earlier this afternoon. Intrigued, he reached across to see what it was.
It was an A4 piece of paper that had been folded in half. On the outside someone had simply written his name and nothing more. As he opened it, he saw that he was looking at a hand-drawn crossword puzzle.
He allowed his heart to leap just the tiniest amount before quickly analysing the clues.
Across
1. Organ of the body you use for sight (3)
2. Abbreviation used to describe a time in the morning (2)
3. Present, current state (5)
4. Disastrous, awful (8)
Down
1. First letter of the alphabet (1)
2. Square root of 16 (4)
3. Common name for Homo sapiens (5)
4. Apology (5)
The more clues he answered, the harder his heart started to beat. When he finished, he looked at the words and couldn’t help but burst out laughing. Rearranging them a little, the sentence was revealed to him:
Eye Am Sorry Four Being A Terrible Human.
51
Alice
She knew it had worked when she heard his laugh burst through the silence. She couldn’t stop the smile curling the corners of her mouth with relief.
‘I am so sorry.’
‘It’s OK.’
She took a deep breath. Now was the time to tell him; it had to be now. ‘I meant what I said about being a better person. They’ve scheduled my operation for the end of next week. It’s actually happening, Alfie.’
Silence.
Not quite the reaction she was expecting.
‘Alfie? I thought you’d be pleased for me.’
‘I’m sorry, I am, it’s been a long day. In fact, it’s been a long few days. I guess I’m just tired.’
‘You don’t exactly sound thrilled about the idea.’
‘Well, I think it’s a big thing to put yourself through. I’m not trying to be negative. I just want you to really know what you’re getting yourself into with this.’
‘Of course I understand what I’m getting myself into,’ she snapped.
‘Do you? You seem to have made the decision pretty quickly. I guess … I guess I don’t understand why you’d voluntarily open yourself up to those risks again.’
‘No, Alfie, it’s you who doesn’t seem to understand, and you know what? I guess you wouldn’t unless you knew what I was stuck with.’ Her voice was razor sharp. Why didn’t he get it?
‘OK.’
‘OK? That’s all you’re going to say?’ Her voice was getting louder but she didn’t care. He was being an arsehole about this whole thing, and she needed him to realize how unfair he was being.
‘I don’t know what you want me to say, Alice. I’m not going to lie to you.’
‘Really? After everything you’ve preached to me about, you’re saying you’d rather I spend the
rest of my life hiding? Hiding away from people, from new places, new experiences. Hiding behind these fucking hideous curtains? I want more, Alfie. I never thought I’d say it but I do.’
How had they gone from not speaking to making up to arguing? All Alice knew was that she was so full of rage nothing else mattered.
His voice was so soft she barely caught the words. ‘I guess I just wish you could see what I see.’
‘But you haven’t seen me, have you.’ The uncontrollable fire burst out of her. ‘You lie there day in day out, creating this fantasy of me behind this fucking curtain, but you have no idea. You have no idea how damaged I am, Alfie. So stop pretending that you know me!’
52
Alfie
He barely slept that night for all the thinking. At some point in the early hours he must have drifted off, because when he woke it took him a couple of moments to remember that it hadn’t all been a dream. The dynamic had shifted and Alfie had no idea who was going to talk first.
‘Good morning, and how are we doing today?’ Nurse Angles’ bust was making its way through his curtains and into the cubicle. He was grateful she sounded a little brighter today; the loss of Mr Peterson had hit everyone harder than expected, but he had a feeling he’d need every ounce of her sunshine and positivity to get him through the next few hours.
‘Fine. Tired, I guess.’
‘Hmmmm.’ She eyed him warily. ‘Are you two friends again or are we still pretending to dislike each other?’ She nodded in the direction of Alice’s bed. The way she said it reminded Alfie of how some of the teachers would treat the children at school; come on now, let’s not be silly, forgive and make up.
‘Long story, but I don’t think we’re friends.’ Alfie really didn’t want to go into any more detail on the subject. He also made sure his voice was as quiet as possible so Alice wouldn’t be able to hear.
‘I don’t know what to do with the pair of you.’ She shook her head in dismay. ‘At least you’ll be able to tell your mum and dad your good news today! That will be wonderful for them.’
‘Huh?’
‘Alfie, what’s wrong with you this morning! You’re more confused than Sharon without a glass of wine in her hand.’ She laughed at her own joke. She was definitely feeling better. ‘Physio agreeing to sign you off!’
Alfie feigned a smile. ‘Of course! Sorry, apparently I’m too tired to think. Yes, I’m sure my mum will be thrilled. Or panicked. Or both.’
‘She’ll just be so relieved to have her baby back. Our loss, her gain.’ She flashed him one more loving smile and left him to his thoughts. Surprisingly, not to thoughts about being able to deliver the news his mum had been dying to hear for months. Not to thoughts about the delicious crispy roast potatoes that would be arriving at his bedside imminently. No, all his thoughts were about the woman lying in the bed next to him whom he hadn’t even laid eyes on.
Alice Gunnersley, what have you done to me?
*
‘Oh, sorry we’re a little late, Alf. The traffic was awful, and then I needed the toilet so we had to stop at this cafe, and then Robert got a coffee. I told him to wait until we got here but you know what he’s like with his coffees.’ His mum was talking nineteen to the dozen while kissing him on the cheek, patting him down to check for any new limb loss, and eventually settling into the chair by his bed.
‘You know the coffee here tastes like it’s come straight from a bedpan. You can’t berate a man for wanting a decent latte, can you, son?’
‘Oh, don’t bring Alfie into it. The poor boy has to put up with the food here all day every day! Anyway, baby, how are you?’
‘Well, I won’t be putting up with it for much longer actually.’ He smiled, drip-feeding them the news to see how quickly the penny dropped.
‘No, no, of course not. That’s the attitude to have. It’s not for ever, you’re right.’ His mum was still flapping. She was busying herself with unpacking the food and attempting to serve it on to the paper plates they’d brought.
Robert looked at Alfie. ‘Hold on a second. Are you trying to tell us something?’
‘Huh?’ She paused midway through dealing out a Yorkshire. ‘What do you mean? Alfie, tell me! Have they given you a date?’
‘Calm down, Mum, I only found out a couple of days ago.’ He’d forgotten what Jane Mack on a mission could be like. ‘And I wanted to tell you in person: physio have signed me off. They just need the doctor to give a final assessment and then … yeah, if all goes well, I’m coming home.’
Before he could take his next breath he felt his mum wrap herself around him. The weight of her, the smell of her, the warmth of her seemed to bring the reality of the news home to him.
He was going home.
He was really going home.
He could feel his shoulder getting damp as she cried tears of relief.
‘Come on, Mum. You’re soaking me over here!’ He gently held her out in front of him and gave her a kiss on the cheek. There was so much love in her eyes he felt it physically wash over him.
‘Can’t a mum be happy that her boy is coming home?’
‘Not when you drop a perfectly good Yorkshire on the floor in the process.’ Robert winked at Alfie as he reached for the rogue pudding that had been flung to the floor in the commotion.
‘Your emotional capacity is less than one of my Yorkshires’, I can tell you that for certain. Oh, Robert, give me that – don’t put it back on someone’s plate, for heaven’s sake.’
The two men smiled at each other. His mother had successfully been distracted.
‘Do you want to pass this through to your friend, Alice?’ She was holding out a plate to him.
‘No, don’t worry, I’ll take that one. She wasn’t well yesterday so I’m guessing she’s sleeping. Best to leave her to it.’ He hoped they didn’t notice his voice drop to a whisper.
‘Oh dear. Is she OK?’
Shut it down, Alfie, shut it down quickly.
‘She’s fine, just a bit of a rough night. Give me a plate and I’ll give it to her later when she’s feeling better.’
‘Sure. Take this one. Pass on our best, will you?’ His mum looked so concerned he couldn’t face lying to her again. He simply nodded and prayed Alice hadn’t heard his lie.
‘So, how are we going to celebrate your homecoming then? I’m thinking a family gathering at ours. Obviously you can invite the boys too, and then we can drive over the next day to your flat and sort out any adjustments you need to make …’
Alfie sat back with his food and let his mum talk at him. It was easier that way. Don’t push against the tide; just choose the path of least resistance and flow with it. Although he couldn’t help but wonder if anything would feel easy without Alice to talk to.
53
Alice
One moment she was being ignored. Then they were talking. And now, no one was talking. She couldn’t quite work out who was ignoring whom any more, and it all happened so quickly Alice barely had the chance to get her head around it.
The only thing she knew was that he was so angry at her for having the operation, and for the life of her she couldn’t work out why he couldn’t move past it. Why did it bother him so much?
Hadn’t the whole reason he’d shut her out been because she’d been too paralysed by fear to do anything?
Now that she was actually doing something about it, apparently that was wrong too.
She couldn’t deal with it any more. Having other people involved in your life just complicated everything. This was exactly why she had learnt to keep herself to herself.
No one else needs to have a say or opinion on what you do. You’re the only one who gets to decide.
Through the night she could hear him tossing and turning. At first every rustle of his bed sheet sparked more anger; why did he have to be so noisy all the time? Then a perverse little voice inside her reminded her that the more he tossed and turned, the more he was struggling with himself. She let herself imagine hi
m so caught up in his own guilt that the more he struggled, the tighter the sheets got. Good. He deserved it.
However, it also meant she wasn’t sleeping either. She was consumed by an endless loop of thoughts that went around and around in her mind. As the hours crawled by she began to master the technique of ignoring them all, until one practically hurled itself at her.
Sarah.
She’d been so caught up in everything that she realized she hadn’t even checked to see if Sarah had got back OK. Alice grabbed her phone and switched it on.
Message from Sarah BFF 3 July 16.58
Hey my love. Landed safe and sound. Drank myself to sleep with the free champagne so it wasn’t a bad flight. I miss you already. So much. Keep me posted on EVERYTHING, please. Send my love to Alfie. I love you xx
Message from Sarah BFF 5 July 12.04
OK, it’s me again, just checking in and being an annoying best friend. I know the ward is super fun and Alfie has probably got you out doing rock climbing or something ridiculous, but please just let me know you’re OK? Love you xxx
Message from Sarah BFF 7 July 15.42
Seriously? Don’t make me go all Nurse Bellingham on you. MESSAGE ME BACK. I love you. Although less and less by the minute if you carry on ignoring me. Xxx
Alice typed out a reply as quickly as her injuries would allow, hoping it explained just enough to excuse her lack of response but was still bright and breezy to avoid worrying Sarah.
Message to Sarah BFF 10 July 01.50
Hey Sarah. Sorry!! Life on the ward has just been so busy the last few days, time has escaped me. But really, I am sorry. I know I said I’d be better at keeping in touch. Mr Peterson passed away the other day and I’ve got my operation scheduled for next week. Will keep you posted on how it goes. Miss you and love you xx
Seeing it written like that in black and white seemed to shift something inside her. She was going to put herself through a horrifically complex operation. She was completely alone. Again.
Before I Saw You Page 21