‘Thank you for everything,’ she whispered into Nurse Angles’ soft shoulder.
‘Like I always say, baby, if you need anything just buzz me.’
She nodded, waiting for Nurse Angles to turn and go. Waiting to be left all alone once again. But the woman wasn’t moving.
‘Don’t you need to get back?’
‘Not just yet. I’ll stay and see you off.’
Alice knew there was no point in arguing. The tears came thick and fast as she started to walk away. She could feel the eyes of Nurse Angles watching her, even after she’d turned the corner and disappeared from sight.
Maybe Alfie was right. Maybe she really wasn’t alone any more.
‘Mummy, what’s wrong with her face?’
Alice looked down to see a pudgy little finger pointing straight at her. That hopeful thought had lasted all but two minutes.
‘Samuel. We don’t point at people. And we don’t say such things.’ Horrified, the mother to whom the pointing-fingered toddler belonged almost pushed Alice out of the way in her attempt to run off.
Get me home.
Please, just get me home now.
One silent and equally awkward Uber ride later, Alice was back. She’d kept her head low as she entered through the main door and, ignoring the kind hello from the receptionist, practically sprinted into the lift, jabbing the top-floor button as hard as she could. She couldn’t face any more questions today and she certainly couldn’t risk any more pointing. All she needed was to be in her flat, by herself, alone. As the lift carried her slowly upwards, she couldn’t help but think how strange it felt to be back here. How could it be that on the surface everything looked exactly the same as it always did, yet on the inside everything felt different? Alice was different. It was hard to believe this was really her life.
She opened her front door for three seconds before slamming it shut again.
Holy shit, did I get the wrong flat?
Alice checked the door again.
Obviously this is your flat – it’s the penthouse, it’s the only one on this floor!
Tentatively, she opened the door again, millimetres at a time.
Same beige walls, same bare kitchen, same sterile lounge. Yes, this was definitely hers. An apartment picked straight out of a showroom catalogue. But who were all the cards from? Where had all the flowers come from?
Slowly Alice stepped inside. Who had been inside her flat? Alice wasn’t a ‘give a spare key to a neighbour’ kind of girl. No one in the world had access but her.
That was when she saw it. A note gingerly propped up on the side by the flowers.
Dear Miss Gunnersley,
You appear to be absent and we needed to clear the front desk of your deliveries. The flowers kept dying. I hope you don’t mind that we delivered them to your flat.
Yours sincerely,
Jim Broach
Head of Maintenance
Well, that was one question answered then.
Alice reached for the card next to the note. She recognized the handwriting but couldn’t quite place where from.
Dear Alice,
Sending you lots of get well soon wishes and good energy for your recovery. We all miss you and are thinking of you.
Love Lyla & Arnold
P.S. I hope you like the pot plant. Arnold thought it would be better than flowers as it will last longer (only if you water it though!).
P.P.S. I made Henry order you a weekly bunch of flowers. Serves him right for being a tight bastard! x
Alice laughed. How she would have loved to see Lyla approach that conversation. Poor Henry wouldn’t know what had hit him! A rush of affection surged through her.
She picked off the card attached to the large bouquet of flowers.
Please find these flowers delivered to you on behalf of your colleagues at Coleman and Chase.
Get well soon.
Lyla wasn’t lying – she really had got Henry to pay out!
The final card all but broke her.
AL!
Welcome home, my love.
Here is a little something to make you smile / please don’t kill them straight away!
Miss you always,
Sarah and Raph xxx
No matter how much she pushed, or how fiercely she denied it, right now Alice couldn’t help but feel anything other than loved.
These people cared. They really cared. How had she taken it for granted for so long?
Alice texted Sarah to let her know she was home safe, put a wash on, and then sat in the middle of the floor and cried herself to sleep.
*
The next morning, she woke up a little disorientated and very much in pain. Her back ached and she could barely move her body. Crying on the floor was one thing, but sleeping on it all night was another thing entirely. Part of her wondered if she could just lie there all day. No one would notice. What else was she planning to do with her time?
She decided to kill a good hour doing an online shop. As much as she hated to admit it, she needed food. The only surviving items in her fridge were an unopened jar of pickled onions and some jam. Even an unaccomplished chef like Alice knew that they did not go well together. Twenty-four ready meals and every flavour of Ben & Jerry’s ordered, and still it was only 10 a.m.
This is going to be hell.
True, there wasn’t endless excitement on the ward, but she always had Alfie to distract her.
Alfie.
She lay back on her sofa and allowed herself to imagine all the things he could be getting up to right this very moment. Thoughts of his mum force-feeding him plate after plate of brownies, while his friends sat around him and tried their best to insult one another, kept her amused for a while. Then she remembered it was 10.30 a.m. on a Wednesday. He was probably working.
Work.
She hadn’t been in touch with the firm for months! There was absolutely no way she was ready to go back yet, but looking at the colourful roses on her kitchen table, she couldn’t help but feel duty bound to at least let them know she was safe.
Message to Henry Boss 22 August 10.34
Hi Henry, it’s Alice. I thought I’d drop you a text to let you know I’ve formally been discharged from hospital and am back at home. Thank you for the flowers, they are lovely. Let me know if we need to discuss a return to work date, conscious it’s been some time. Thanks.
She regretted it as soon as she’d sent it. What if he replied and demanded she came into the office this week? On the other hand, what if she didn’t have a job any more? What would she do for money?
She nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt the phone buzz in her hand.
Oh God. Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Message from Henry Boss 22 August 10.47
What the hell was wrong with her? Since when had she become so afraid of everything?
In one quick swipe she opened the message.
Hi Alice. Great to hear from you and glad you are back home. No need to rush back. Please take as much time as you need. Henry.
She closed her eyes and let out a long slow sigh. A wave of relief washed over her. She was safe! At least for a few more weeks, she could stay hidden away and pretend that real life wasn’t just around the corner waiting for her. She sank back and buried herself deeper into the sofa. If only Henry could see her now. Holed up in the flat she barely used to sleep in, afraid of her own reflection. Would he even recognize her?
A single tear tracked down her cheek.
Why would he? You don’t even recognize yourself.
65
Alfie
‘So, big guy, what’s the plan?’ Matty flopped himself down on the sofa next to Alfie.
By the end of his first month home, the crowds of visitors had slowly reduced to a trickle and Alfie found himself spending more and more time on his own. Some things hadn’t changed, however, and Matty’s weekly visits had continued religiously. Every Wednesday the pair would do as little as humanly possible in the pleasure of
each other’s company.
‘I don’t know.’ Alfie shrugged. ‘Xbox?’ His monosyllabic responses were becoming the norm now and not just reserved for his mother’s phone calls.
‘I don’t mean now, you idiot. I meant for your birthday.’
Shit. How the hell had that come around so quickly?
‘There isn’t one at the moment, mate.’ Alfie picked at the red-raw hangnail on his thumb. ‘I’m not really bothered this year.’
‘What?!’
Alfie looked at Matty’s shocked face.
‘Come on! Not that long ago you were in hospital, in a pit of despair. I’m sorry to remind you, but it’s true. Now look at you! Back in your own flat, single man walking again … we have to celebrate!’
Time was a weird and wonderful thing. How could a few months already have passed since the accident? It felt like only yesterday he was leaving the hospital, yet a lifetime since he woke up this morning. Every minute felt like wading through treacle. Doing anything other than sitting felt arduous. Had his life been switched to slow motion?
‘I don’t know, Matty.’ Alfie resumed picking the skin dutifully from his thumb.
The thought of doing anything more social than this made Alfie feel on edge. He’d spoken to enough people over the past month to last him many years, and he increasingly found the thought of social interaction unbearable. Even having Matty over was a strain at times. No. All he wanted was to sit in his flat in peace. Why couldn’t anyone respect that?
‘Don’t be boring, Alf. It will do you good to get everyone together!’
Matty was not letting this go. Alfie was well aware that there were some battles not worth fighting, and this was definitely going to be one of them. Maybe it was best to let go of any semblance of control and just go with it. He could always cancel last minute anyway.
‘Well, why don’t you organize it? I’ll go along with whatever.’ Surely there was only so much Matty could do in the next few days?
‘Leave it with me, my man, leave it with me!’
Looking at Matty rubbing his hands together with glee did not fill Alfie with much confidence.
‘Anyway, I’d better be off. I’m picking Mel up from the hairdressers, and if I’m late again I will be seriously in the shit.’
Alfie knew Mel was not a woman to cross and so wasn’t surprised by the pace at which Matty said his goodbyes.
‘See you later, mate,’ he called as the door slammed shut.
Alfie didn’t even bother to respond. He simply sat once again staring at the TV, letting the sounds and colours pass passively through his brain.
What is wrong with you?
He knew his behaviour was getting worse. Every day he felt his moods growing darker and those familiar old black clouds were back, hovering ominously in his mind, their presence threatening to consume him.
Get a grip.
Just as Alfie was about to try and distract himself with another round of puzzles, the doorbell went.
Of course Matty had forgotten something; he could be the most useless human at times.
‘Hold on, I’m coming.’
But as he got closer, he knew straight away that it wasn’t Matty. Funny how distinctive someone’s silhouette could be.
‘Hey, Alfie. It’s me, Tom.’
Tom? Who is Tom?
His mind was spinning, trying to place this name and voice.
‘From Heartlands High …’
Oh, that Tom.
Why on earth is he here?
‘Yeah, give me a second – this lock’s a bit funny.’ Biding his time, Alfie mustered his best ‘I’m doing fine’ smile before he opened the door.
‘Sorry for dropping in on you like this. I just thought I’d pop round and see how you’re doing?’
Alfie looked at the man in front of him – shirt, tie and shiny shoes – and was suddenly very aware of his own odd socks, dirty Adidas tracksuit and stained T-shirt. Had he even showered today?
‘I’m doing OK.’ Keep it short and sweet, that’s the plan.
‘Don’t worry, I won’t stay long. Just thought you might fancy some lunch?’ He held up a bag of rather soggy-looking sandwiches.
Alfie laughed. After all this time, Tom’s wife was still packing him lunch every day. At first he’d found it a little too much, but over time Alfie had come to find it quite sweet. No one apart from his mum had ever made him sandwiches.
‘Sure. Come in.’
This would be the first time anyone from work had ever been inside Alfie’s flat. Despite making good friends at the school, it always felt just one step too far to invite them back to see the place where you slept each night and walked around naked every morning.
Seeing Tom perching hesitantly on his sofa was quite a sight. This man didn’t belong here amidst Alfie’s chaos, with his straight lines and neat edges. It was a meeting of worlds that did not align.
‘So, how’s everything been?’ Tom looked around as if he knew the answer already. The pile of dirty pants in the corner was probably a big enough giveaway.
‘Yeah, like I said, OK. Just trying to get used to things, I guess.’
Alfie hadn’t sat down; he wasn’t ready to accept that this was going to be a conversation that lasted longer than five minutes.
‘Of course. Must feel weird, right?’
Obviously it’s weird, Tom.
‘Mhm,’ was all he managed.
Tom sheepishly opened the bag and took a bite out of one of the sandwiches. Wow, he really was going to eat lunch here. Alfie had suspected that was just a ploy.
‘People have been checking in and asking if I’ve heard from you. The school hasn’t been the same since you’ve been gone.’
Alfie felt a sharp pang of guilt.
‘I know a few of the teachers have tried to reach out, but no one has heard anything from you in weeks. We are worried about you, Alfie. Before the accident we could barely get you to stop talking, and now it’s radio silence.’
Aha. They’ve sent poor Tom in to check how the invalid’s doing. Sweet, Alfie thought, but unnecessary.
‘I’m fine. There’s just a lot going on, you know. I only moved back a few weeks ago so I’m taking it slowly, that’s all.’
He thought he’d sounded confident enough, although the look on Tom’s face led Alfie to believe otherwise.
‘The thing is, I had a bit of a shit time a few months back and I kind of lost myself for a bit … It got pretty bad and there were times I wasn’t sure I’d make it.’
Wow, he wasn’t expecting that. The ever so well put together and immaculate Tom had a secret personal crisis of his own.
Remember: never judge a book by its cover.
‘It took me a while to realize, but when I did’ – Tom suddenly looked nervous – ‘and I got help for it, things really started to turn around for me.’
‘Got help?’
‘Yeah … you know.’ Tom nibbled cautiously at the crust of his sandwich. ‘Professional help.’
The penny dropped.
‘You’re telling me you think I need to see a shrink.’ Alfie had been here many times before and he wasn’t ready to entertain going back again.
‘It’s just a suggestion.’ Tom held his hands up in defence. ‘I won’t pretend I know half the things you’re going through, but I just wanted you to know that you don’t have to do everything on your own. Sometimes just talking about stuff can help take off the load.’
‘Appreciate it, mate, but I’m genuinely fine. In fact, I’m meant to be meeting someone in a few minutes so, if you don’t mind, you’re going to have to eat the rest of your lunch at home.’
He was already at the door before Tom could protest.
‘Of course. Not at all. Like I said, I just thought I’d check in.’
‘Thanks, mate. See you soon.’
Alfie practically hurled Tom and his half-eaten sandwiches out of the door. He looked around his flat. So what if he hadn’t tidied up in a while? It wasn’t his
fault he’d been in a life-threatening accident and lost his leg. It took time to adjust back to reality. He kicked the pile of dirty washing in frustration.
Don’t need to do this alone.
Who the fuck does he think he is?
I’m fine on my own.
Maybe being alone was the easiest way to live. Maybe Alice had been right all along.
66
Alice
It had been eight days.
Eight days since Alice had left the flat.
At first she’d justified it as ‘integration time’, the chance to get used to being out of hospital and back in her old surroundings. It was a big adjustment and not one that could be rushed. Plus, with the help of online shopping and Deliveroo, Alice really had no need to venture outside. She was safe and warm and content in her flat. It was the most time she’d spent there since buying it; at least she was finally getting value for her money.
On the ninth day of isolation, her self-pitying routine was interrupted.
Message from Sarah BFF 30 August 09.35
Hey Al. I’ve got an evening off (about bloody time!) Can we FaceTime? Love you xxx
Alice stared at the message for a whole fifteen minutes.
Message to Sarah BFF 30 August 09.50
Can’t we just do a phone call? Wi-Fi isn’t great xxx
Message from Sarah BFF 30 August 09.52
Alice, don’t be ridiculous. I’m calling you in 10. Be ready xxx
Alice knew deep down that it wasn’t a big deal. Sarah had seen her at her worst. So what was the problem? Guilt started to gnaw at her insides. It wasn’t that she’d lied before. She may just have been a bit hazy on some of the details whenever Sarah had asked about the operation. She had been meaning to tell her, but it sort of felt easier to avoid it. The thought of explaining it all and having to relive the shame and disappointment was too much to bear. It felt nice keeping the secret to herself; in Sarah’s mind, all was good in the world, and Alice liked having the chance to pretend alongside her. Luckily they mainly texted back and forth, with an occasional phone call for variety. But FaceTime. That was a brand-new dimension. She couldn’t hide it any longer.
Before I Saw You Page 26