She toyed with her thumbs like she was playing with her phone. Sighing, I dug around in my backpack for my phone, finding I had a missed text from the unknown number I’d assumed was her and my battery was on twelve percent.
What’s up with Ava? She’s been acting weird.
Not remembering her name, I programmed her in my phone as Ava’s friend. I texted her back. How would I know?
I saw u guys drive into school together. Unless ur playing stupid, I’m going to assume ur hiding something. Are you into my girl?
If I were into Ava, I wouldn’t exactly admit it first to a stranger. We’re friends.
Friends? Mhm. When’s the last time you had a friend, Bishop? At least one I could actually see?
I needed a ride. She gave me one. Conversation over.
Part of me wondered if I should tell her that there was in fact something wrong with Ava. But there had been for a lot longer than I’d been talking to her. It made no sense, or did Ava any good, to realize there was a problem now that the problem was too large to hide. Maybe Ava needed better friends.
I put my phone away and delved into my work, doing my homework before the class was even over. I couldn’t afford to fall behind even an inch. At lunch, I didn’t want to admit I had my eyes trained on the door, but it was a difficult lie to tell myself since the moment she walked in, I spotted her.
Her eyes, however, didn’t stray to mine until she’d sat down. She came in with her two girlfriends, a bright, beautiful smile on her face. Maybe it was seeing her in other situations, like her snoring face and her ridiculous burglar act, but in the light of day, surrounded by our peers, her beauty was undeniable. She was the kind of pretty that made sense in my senseless, empty mind. Girls waved at her and she waved back, laughing at something her friend said. She was in orbit, in her environment, but I knew the truth.
Those smiles were fake. None of them touched her eyes. Those waves to her peers were because she was nice. She didn’t mean them. Inside, her world was changing, and she had no idea how to hold on. She was afraid to be alone. She was real, only when it was us.
I wasn’t sure what the tightening in my chest was from. If I had to put a name to it, I’d think it was pride that she was herself around me, but I was way too levelheaded to confirm that.
Kind of hating that I’d even thought about it in the first place, I focused on my food. The girl didn’t want me thinking about her. We were friends at most, forced to work together at best. Admitting that shouldn’t suck as much as it did.
I tried to focus my mind on things I had to think about. Like how I was going to get to practice. If I hustled, I could run the length. The walk home would be long, but I didn’t have a choice. I needed a part time job. I needed to start thinking about where I would live once I had nowhere to go. But I didn’t want to think about those things. Those things didn’t make me feel better. My eyes cut to Ava, and that was when she finally acknowledged me.
Her eyes met and held mine. She was more awake this afternoon than she was that morning. The longer we held eye contact, a blush crept into her cheeks and she looked down, only to fling her eyes right back to mine.
What was she thinking?
It irritated me that I couldn’t figure it out. Was she thinking about yesterday at all? Or was that nothing to her? Was sleeping in the same bed only a big deal to me? At the time I’d been too irritated to process it. But I’d processed it and couldn’t forget how easy it was to sleep with her beside me.
Or why I felt like I couldn’t breathe with her pale brown eyes latched on mine.
I tore mine free and quickly finished my lunch. I dumped my tray and got out of the cafeteria before I went over to her table and made an even bigger fool of myself. In home ec, I arrived first. She arrived with her friends a few minutes later, giving me a soft smile.
I waited for her to say something profound. I didn’t know why I wanted it. Some validating response that would settle the uproar in my mind.
Instead, all she said was, “Hey.”
Hey?
What did that even freaking mean?
“Hi, Ava,” I forced out. Yesterday she’d talked my ear off for almost an entire twenty-four hours. Pried information from me to fill the empty places in her. And now she wanted to sit there and be quiet? Was that how she’d felt, completely infuriated with my silence? “Are you doing anything later?”
She brightened. “Yes. Laurie’s mom is taking us to their cabin for the weekend. We’re leaving right after school.”
My stomach burned. I wasn’t sure why her leaving for the weekend forced a reaction out of me, only that it felt slightly like a dismissal. Which was ridiculous. Hanging out by a fire in the woods all weekend with her friends was probably way more fun than hanging out with me, which was exactly why it stung. She wanted to have fun, just not with me. “Cool,” I managed. “Have fun.”
I meant it, though. I wanted her to have fun. She deserved it.
“It’s supposed to snow.” She was bouncing in her seat. “I plan on drinking half my body weight in hot cocoa and sleeping in.”
I was reminded of her ten million snooze button attempts and smirked. “Sounds awesome.”
“What’s funny?” she demanded, eyes narrowed on my half-smile.
I dropped it. “Nothing, Ava. Let’s get to work.”
Our papers were pretty solid. Once we got past the bickering, our intellects combined in that perfect way to deliver two solid papers. All we had to do was nail down the graph of costs and combine it with our budget to come out on top. Our grade didn’t waver if our finances did, but the paper would take a nose dive if we both ended up divorced, broke, and with an F.
When the late bell rang, I wanted to say something stupid. Like I’d miss her, or It wasn’t so bad being asked about my day. Instead, I fumbled through another rendition of, “have fun.”
She smiled, but it didn’t touch her eyes. “Thanks. See you on Monday?”
I nodded, hesitating a second before my hand darted out and squeezed her fingers. I got out of there before I embarrassed myself further, which was highly likely, and kept my head down the rest of the day. After school, I got my gear bag from my locker and split. I ran, full force, the ten blocks to the stadium. By the time I got there, I was fifteen minutes late to practice. Coach made everyone wait for me to change out, forcing everyone to stay fifteen minutes later than usual to make up for my tardiness.
“Way to go, Manfield,” Ryles hissed, checking me right into the wall.
That time, there wasn’t a cute blonde in the seats to worry about me. The impact jarred me, and his elbow caught me under my eye. I gritted my teeth and beat him the only way I could. By scoring more goals than him. On or off the ice, those goals meant more to us than gloating, prestige, or success. Without those goals, the bloody lips and sore muscles meant nothing.
“You all right?”
I looked up at the question in the locker room after practice. Coach was looking at my already black eye forming from Ryles’ elbow. “I’ll be fine.”
“Why were you late?”
I tore off my jersey and lobbed it into my bag. My gear needed to be washed anyway. Looking around to see if anyone was listening, I told him the truth. He knew I was a foster kid, so I think he constantly assumed part of me was defected. I rarely gave him a reminder. Showing up late was a huge one. “I can’t afford gas right now.”
“And you can’t afford to work,” he said, figuring it out. “Your foster family not willing to chip in?”
I shook my head, but the truth was, I didn’t ask. They’d never so much as hinted that they cared so I didn’t bother. “No.”
“Come see me after you’re done here. I might have something for you.”
I knocked on his office door after I’d showered and changed.
“Come in,” he called.
I poked my head in.
Seeing it was me, he nodded me inside. I sat across from him.
“So, you need some
spending money, huh?”
I shrugged. “It would help.”
“Are you busy on the weekends? My brother runs a little league center and he could really use the help. They have tournaments on the weekends during the season.”
“What would I have to do?” I’d been on a little league team when I was a runt. It was sponsored by donations and at-risk kids got to play in the league with the rest of the kids. Without that, I might not have discovered the only aspect in my life that didn’t feel like it was holding me back.
“Ref the games. Fifty bucks a game. Sometimes they can have four division games in one day. Not bad for a weekends work.” He dug in his pocket and produced a twenty. “Here’s gas money. I’ll let him know you’re coming, and I’ll email you the details.”
Playing it any other way than the right way would be stupid. I took the money and thanked him, hardly able to meet his eyes as I did so.
“Oh,” he said, before I left, “I got a call from my buddy at Minnesota University. He’s the coach of the men’s hockey team. He asked me if I had any good senior players that could use a scholarship to play hockey at University of Minnesota. Tip? Play your ass off at every game, just in case he’s at one.” He winked, sitting back, pleased with himself.
Because he knew what he had just done for me.
He’d given me a way out.
CHAPTER TEN
Ava
I had all the ingredients for a perfect weekend getaway.
Best friends, check.
Cabin in the woods, check.
Roasting s’mores, check.
Hot cocoa, check.
But even though I had those things, something felt like it was missing. I tried to push the feeling aside. A lot of things were missing. Like mom’s incessant calls. She didn’t call once. Or dad’s calls, he didn’t call whatsoever. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t have fun. I had to.
Laurie’s parents were upstairs in the master bedroom/attic. The attic was like a getaway in itself. With a hot tub, a mini kitchen, and an en suite bathroom. Her parents had no reason to come down to the main part of the house. It was like we were all alone in the middle of the Minnesotan woods with a fire raging in the hearth.
Laurie was snuggled in a blanket, metal rod dangling over the fire as she roasted her fifth jumbo marshmallow. “I’m going to have to run ten miles on Monday.”
Henny snickered, drunk on sugar. “Gotta stay hot for Mrs. Kendrick, huh?”
I smiled but didn’t dare comment.
Laurie got touchy about her secret crush. “Shut up,” she sneered. “I can’t wait for you to fall in love so you can see how torturous it is.”
“You’re not in love. You have a crush. On a married woman, might I add. What’s going to happen anyway? She’s not going to leave her husband and reroute her sexual preference for you. There’s a ton of other girls out there and you pick the one woman you can’t have.” Henny shook her head, like she had all the answers.
“I can’t help it,” Laurie moaned, and I could feel the depth of her frustrations.
I’d never really had a crush on someone before. Where I had to think about them twenty-four-seven or something felt off. Or maybe her problem was the fact that she’d fallen for someone she could not have under any circumstances. Before it even tried, I shoved the image of Bishop that popped up in my mind down. I shoved it, kept shoving it, even when it brought up memories that didn’t suck to think about. Like how sleeping felt so good with him by me. His body heat, his manly scent; he’d felt like a barrier between me and the proverbial monster under my bed.
I’d woken up in the middle of the night and hadn’t been able to fall back asleep, stuck like glue as I watched him sleep. I was so tired all day, and if it hadn’t been for the nap I took in the car ride up here after school, I’d be a zombie shuffling on my feet.
I’d tried to stop. I’d closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, desperate for sleep, but my eyes kept popping open and landing on his face. Which, I was fairly positive of after staring at it for four hours nonstop, was the loveliest male face I’d ever seen. I lost myself in it all over again, and the sight before me disappeared, replaced with the darkness of my bedroom.
His face was way more symmetrical than I knew. His eyes were spaced apart three-fourths of my pinky’s width—I’d measured, okay, sue me—and they were shaped like almonds. His nose was straight, and his lips were so smooth and soft looking. He slept with his arms crossed over his chest on his side, not moving once. His messy black hair was smashed against his pillow and in sleep he looked like a beautiful boy trapped in the body of a boy who didn’t have the luxury of being one anymore.
“Ava!” Henny snapped, shaking me with her foot. “What on earth are you thinking about so dang hard?”
I blushed, shoving her off and crossing my legs under me. I was on the floor near the fire with Laurie, and Henny was lounging on the couch, mouth sticky with marshmallows. “Nothing.”
“Nothing or no one?” She wiggled her eyebrows.
“What are you talking about?” I grumbled.
“Yeah, what are you talking about?” Laurie joined in. “Is there something going on that I don’t know about?”
They both looked at me.
I shrugged. “You’re both nuts.”
“I have a clue,” Henny whispered loud enough for her parents to hear. “He’s tall, brooding, and handsome.”
Laurie snapped her fingers. “Iron Man?”
Henny laughed. “No. Ava’s crush is actually attainable. And real.”
“Yeah right,” I mumbled before I realized what I’d done.
They both gasped, speaking too quickly to tear their voices apart.
“So, it’s true?”
“You do like him?”
“Are you dating?”
“Have you kissed yet?”
“Is it true what they say about hockey players? Their hockey sticks aren’t the only one in the bedroom? Wink. Wink.”
“What’s he like when you’re alone? Is he sweet?”
“Does he smell good? I bet he smells good.”
“What do you talk about—”
I covered my ears. “Enough! Stop!”
They both shushed, sitting there expectantly.
I held my hands up to fend them off. “It isn’t like that. Like at all. We’re literally just friends.”
“But you want more?” Laurie asked.
“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it like that.”
“Do you think he wants more?”
“Of course, he does,” Henny cut in. “They drove to school together.”
Laurie’s eyes homed in on me. “How is that possible? You both drive yourself.”
Oh boy. Here we go. I took a deep breath, fearful of their reaction. “He…”
“He…”
“Spit it out.”
“He slept over. But it wasn’t like you think.” I edited out the part where I was brutally lonely and unreasonably terrified. “We just slept.”
“We? So, he slept in your bed?”
“Eventually, he did. I asked him to.”
Henny’s eyes sparkled. “I am so jealous of you, Ava.”
“Don’t be,” I told her. “We’re friends. He’s just… I don’t know… nice to be around. He makes me feel better.”
They both jutted out their lower lips and a chorus of “aww,” lit up the cabin.
I gave them both the finger.
They laughed.
“Don’t think you’re off the hook.” Laurie pointed at me. “You did, or didn’t, see him naked.”
“No! I didn’t.”
“But you want to.” Henny wiggled her brows again. “We all want to.”
“I don’t.” Laurie shook her head.
I laughed at her reaction. “Well duh. Want me to see if he has a sister?”
She winked. “Now we’re talking.”
“I don’t think he does.” I told them what he’d said abo
ut living in foster care.
Their gossip bubble popped. “Dang, that sucks,” they echoed.
“Wait, so you slept, side by side, in bed together?”
Of course, Henny couldn’t let this go. “Yes,” I groaned. “I was scared to sleep alone, and my mom was at her sister’s place late. Dad’s out of town.” The lie fell off my tongue. When they bought it, I despised it. “It’s not like he was jumping for joy. He was just doing it to be nice. I don’t even think he’s even considered me, you know, in that way.”
“Ask him.”
I laughed humorlessly, grabbing a marshmallow and shoved it in my mouth. “No. We’re getting ahead of ourselves. We just started talking and it’s not like that. Trust me.”
They did, that was the part that hurt. Even my friends knew Bishop and I weren’t possible.
“He gets major points though for not being a pig.” Henny pouted. “Or was he? Even a little?”
“No,” I laughed at her put out expression. “He was sweet.”
“You think he gets around the way everyone makes it seem?” Laurie wondered, spearing a marshmallow.
That I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know Bishop. I didn’t know if he had girlfriends, or if he slept around. It didn’t look like he did. He was focused on hockey and school… and food, but that was a different story. The idea that he could be a player had occurred to me before I spent time with him, but now, it felt wrong. I couldn’t see the same boy I’d watched sleep in bed with me, sleep in bed with other girls. Or maybe I didn’t want to see it.
I felt queasy. “I don’t know.”
They both gave me mirror expressions of sympathy.
“How’s your love life?” I asked Henny, changing the subject the only way I knew how. “Any luck with Lisa’s older brother?”
She gave me a wide, indulgent grin. “He asked me out for next weekend. We’re going to the movies.”
In her own way, Henny was lonely, too. She had fun creating elaborate stories in her head, but she wasn’t the girl she pretended to be. I knew for a fact that she was a virgin, too, and even though boys were fun none of them were fun enough.
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