by TW Brown
Look, we're sorry. Really. It was all Gnargth's fault if you look at it from my point of view. He's the one who led us down this path. I was perfectly happy working in the basement with the other dark elves, although some of them do get on my nerves.
But he's the one who insisted we get better wages and get to work in the toyshop and get out in the sunlight every now and again. I told him we were born for subterranean work, but he thought we were getting the shaft from you and the missus.
Since I've been here the longest, they forced me upstairs to chat with the toy elves about it. I had no idea he was going to incite a riot and a mutiny and have the sit-in. I would've never agreed to it, and he bullied the others, especially the box makers. They aren't the smartest lot, as you know.
I'm sure some of us thought we'd won when you dragged us outside into the snow and the early morning, thinking we could see the sunlight again after millennia and hang out with the reindeer.
The reindeer are mean. What happened to them? I seem to remember the first group being fun and playful, but after all these generations they seem to have bred in some nastiness. Gnaesthlet got kicked in his privates by Dancer, who laughed about it. Just not right.
Plus, the sunlight burns our skin. I have third degree burns on my hands and feet, and some of the others are pretty bad off now. We had to bury ourselves in the snow. The reindeer took great pleasure in playing Find The Dark Elf by stomping around with their hooves. Again, not right.
In short, we are sorry. Before the sun comes up again, we'd really like to go back to our jobs in the basement and are willing to take the 25% pay-cut your Missus mentioned, as well as no weekends off from August until New Years.
Sincerely,
Gharglamenn and the dark elves
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Dear Santa.
My name is Vinnie, I am 612 years old. And for Christmas this year I would like steak proof vests for my whole family, and my dog Skippy too.
And I would like a pair of slippers (the crypt floor is cold when I get up.)
I would like some really heavy duty sunblock.
And my Uncle Joey lost his job at the blood bank so if you could bring him a new one that would be cool.
And please Santa stop by the crypts of all the poor vampires this year and leave them each a bag of blood, and especially the government my dad says those guys are putting the bite on everybody.
Love Vinnie
Ps I’ll leave blood and cookies like last year.
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Dear Santa…. brains….
I would like to have a pony for Christmas, so I can eat its brains.
I have been very good and have… brains…. not bit very many people…. brains.
I would also like a puppy so I can eat its brains.
Brains brains brains brains brains brains.
I would like for you to bring my little sister a doll so I can eat its brains.
Ok I don’t have a little sister because I ate her brains.
Does that make me bad?.... brains.
You have lots of elves do you eat their brains?
What do reindeer brains taste like?....brains.
Braaiiinnnnnssss…….
I will leave a plate of brains and cookies, so when you stop at my house I can eat your
BRAINS!!!!
I love your brains Billy.
Ps I might have been bitten by a zombie.
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Dear Santa.
My name is Jason Voorhees, I do not know how old I am, but my mommy said I could write you a letter anyway, didn’t you mommy, she said yes. I would like a new hockey mask this year you did not bring me one last year and that made me mad I wanted to come and hack you up but mommy said it would be ok, didn’t you mommy, she said yes. So I went to see you at the mall this year. I can’t go inside anymore because everybody thinks I am going to hack them up……I might, but still it not fair to judge me is it mommy, she said no. so I waited outside of the mall when you came out you said you were not the real you, so I killed you….fifteen times in two weeks I killed you. You’re tough; so I thought I would try to write again. I want the hockey mask and a new machete mine is getting dull, and could you send some more campers to crystal lake I kind of killed all the ones you sent last year I hope I don’t have to come to the north pole and kill everybody, we will if we have too, wont we mommy. she said yes.
Jason and Mommy.
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Dear Santa,
I am thirsty all the time. I do not feel what other people feel. I do not think how other people think. I drink to stave off the thirst and to fight the cold. Neither ever goes away.
I crave the blood of children the most. They are easiest to lure and the sorrow makes the it taste that much richer. There is nothing more precious to me this time of year than to take down an entire family one member at a time. Each watches the others go in true Macabean style. I always start with the children. The adults want to die by the time I get to them.
I realize I’m not getting off the naughty list. I was thinking maybe we could work out a last minute act of kindness like in the movies. I would be willing to consider one grand gesture to clear the slate for the year. It is worth your consideration, I think.
I miss the sun. I’m not sure if it is the sunrise or the sunset I miss the most, but I vaguely remember loving one of them. I would like some photographs of sunrises and sunsets.
I also would like the first season of Grubb and Tumble on Blue Ray. I’m not even sure they have that out, but I’d like to see the old black-and-white shorts and skits. Modern television is so vapid. There is something pure in the dawn of television. It reminds me of the purity of early theater.
A new coffin would be nice, but I don’t want to push my luck.
Thank you for your time, St. Nicholas, one cursed immortal to another.
Sincerely,
Count Floyd Kulvovich
Born 1423 Unborn 1447
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