by Amy Ruttan
Dr. Teal stepped up and held the mask to free up Emily’s hands as she intubated the babies so they could breathe and got them hooked up to monitors.
“Okay, let’s get them up to the NICU.” Emily pushed the incubator to the operating-room door. She looked back to see Dr. Samuel working on the mother. A lump formed in Emily’s throat as she thought about how scared that mother must’ve been to have been rushed off to surgery. To not know if her children were going to live or die.
Well, Emily was going to make sure that these babies were going to live. She was going to do everything in her power to make sure that the babies survived long enough to have the separation surgery and got a chance at life.
It was her job to ensure that happened, if possible.
And she was going to make it happen. No matter what.
This was not going to be a fight she was going to lose.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
RYAN HADN’T HEARD anything about the twins’ birth and he paged Emily, but she wasn’t answering her page, which worried him.
When he went up to the NICU he saw that the twins were in an incubator, being cared for by the nurses.
So the twins had survived the birth, which was good, but he wondered where Emily was. Her absence worried him and he hoped that she hadn’t collapsed again.
“How long ago were the twins born?” Ryan asked as he picked up their chart in the NICU.
“About three hours ago,” the nurse said. “Dr. West stayed until she was sure they were stable and then she went to speak to their mother, because the mother was awake and out of surgery.”
Ryan nodded. “They have a brain bleed?”
“Twin A has a brain bleed. Twin B does not. B is stronger than A.”
“I’m their neurosurgeon so please keep me posted on the status of twin A’s brain bleed.”
“Of course, Dr. Gary,” the nurse said.
Ryan put the chart down and left the NICU. He had to find Emily. He paged her again, but there was still no response. His stomach twisted in a knot. He had to find her. He headed down the hall and saw one of the on-call room doors was closed, meaning there was a doctor in there, resting.
He opened the door and he could see Emily on a bed. She was sitting up, her head in her hands, and she was weeping uncontrollably.
“Hey,” he said gently as he slipped into the room, shutting and locking the door behind him so that no one could walk in on them.
She looked up. Her eyes were red and there were tears streaming down her face. “Sorry.”
“What do you have to be sorry about?” he asked gently sitting next to her.
“For you having to witness this. I don’t know...that’s not true. I know what’s come over me. I’m just so angry that I’m letting it affect me. It’s never bothered me before.”
“What?”
“I had to talk to Janet, the mother of the conjoined twins.” Emily wiped her eyes and Ryan handed her a tissue. “Thanks.”
“What happened?” he asked.
“She was upset, and rightly so.”
“Well, I imagine giving birth and not being able to hold your babies is devastating.”
“Exactly,” Emily sniffled. “And I could just feel her pain. Her absolute, gut-wrenching agony over the fact that her two little girls might die.”
“Come on,” Ryan said.
“What?”
“The babies are stable. Raquel is stable and you need to get rest.”
“I don’t want to go home to bed,” she said. She took a deep, calming breath.
“Emily, you need rest.”
“I need to be there for those twin girls. I’m not going to let anything happen to them!” He loved her conviction. He loved how strong she was, how much she cared about her patients. Just another reason why he adored her so much. Why he loved being around her.
“Twin A has a brain bleed,” she said, sighing.
“I know.”
“You know?” she asked.
“When I was went looking for you I headed up to the NICU and saw the twins. I looked over their chart and I’m monitoring the brain bleed. It’s common in preemies.”
“I know. I’m a neonatologist.” Emily stood up, her fists clenched. “I’m so angry at myself. I deal with the sickest children. I’ve been to funerals that no one should ever have to attend. I’ve watched small lives slip through my fingers and I can hold it together. If I didn’t hold it together I would’ve gone crazy by now. So why, why out of all the conjoined twins I have worked on, is this bothering me so much?”
“You’re pregnant,” Ryan said gently.
Emily rolled her eyes and then laughed. “I hate this.”
“What?”
“Hormones. It’s harder to keep everything under control. I get so overwhelmed.”
Ryan chuckled. “We all have them...hormones, I mean, and we all have moments of feeling overwhelmed.”
She glared at him, but he could see that she wasn’t serious. “Men!”
“What about men?” he asked.
“You have it so easy.”
“Do we? We don’t,” Ryan said, confused.
“Sorry,” she said. “I need to get out of this hospital and I’m not going home to bed!”
“Fine. Let’s go for a walk. Let’s go to the Space Needle.”
Emily looked at him like he was crazy. “What?”
“I said let’s go to the Space Needle. Maybe the trip to the top will help you gain perspective.” He stood up and walked over to her, placing his hands on her arms. “The twins are stable. The Space Needle isn’t far and you need to clear your head.”
He could tell she was thinking about it by the way she bit her lip and her brow was furrowed. “Fine.”
“Fine?”
She nodded. “Fine, but we have to do this now!”
“Okay.” He unlocked the door and opened it. “Let’s get changed and we’ll go for a walk. It looks to be a nice warm, almost summer night. Let’s clear your head.”
* * *
Thankfully, the walk to the Space Needle was exactly what Emily needed. The moment they got outside he could tell that she perked up.
He bought tickets and they took the elevator five hundred and twenty feet into the air to the observation deck. It was an impressive view from there. You could see all of Seattle, Elliott Bay and, in the distance, Mount Rainier, which they had got up close and personal with not that long ago.
“I’ve never been up here,” Emily said contentedly.
“I’m glad you like heights.”
“I’m not a fan of them, but you only live once.” She wandered over to the windows that overlooked downtown Seattle and the Cascade Mountains to the east. She leaned on the railing and he was glad that the outside observation deck was closed today because of some high winds. He would feel a little bit nervous with her out there, pregnant and in high winds.
“The view is clear tonight, although there is some rain to the northeast.” He pointed. “You can see the clouds coming in.”
“That’s not surprising. It always rains in Seattle, but I don’t mind the rain. Sometimes on clear nights, if you go to the right place, you can see the Northern Lights.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Oh, really?”
She nodded. “Not often, but the first time I saw them was in my first year here in Seattle. They were over Puget Sound. It was a strong geometric storm, but they were spectacular.”
“When do they show up?” Ryan asked.
“Fall.”
“So not now?” he asked, slightly disappointed.
“No. Too much light.”
“I haven’t seen the Northern Lights in so long. It would be nice to see them again.”
“It would make it perfect tonight. Maybe it would help me forget about how I lost contr
ol back there. How mad I am at myself that I couldn’t keep my emotions in check.”
“Did you cry in front of the patient?” Ryan asked.
“No.”
“Then you kept your emotions in check. You’re stronger than you think, Emily.”
“I’m not that strong,” she whispered. “I’ve just learned how to control it. To take care of myself and not to expect much from anyone.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Here I thought you’d had a happy childhood compared to mine.”
“I did. I did believe in love once...”
“Was it me that changed your mind?” he asked cautiously.
“No.” And even though she didn’t want to talk about Robert, she was tired of carrying that burden around. She was tired of trying to hide something she was ashamed about because now, five years later, she could admit that she was ashamed that she’d fallen for a man like Robert. That he’d ruined her for all others, because she had a hard time trusting any one.
“I already told you that a bad experience had put me off surgeons forever—until you came along, that is. Well, I was involved with another surgeon during my residency years. We were both pediatric residents. I thought I was in love with him. He was wonderful and charming...”
“I hate him already on principle.” Ryan winked and Emily couldn’t help but chuckle as he tried to lighten the mood.
“I got promoted first and I was offered an attending position here at SMFPC, and not just any attending but head of pediatric surgery. He was livid. He belittled me because of my autism. He told me I put my work first rather than him. He was jealous, of course, but then he told me about all the women he’d slept with while we were together because I was too busy advancing my career instead of paying attention to him.”
“What an ass.”
“I vowed never to date or sleep with another surgeon again and I was doing fine for five years, until you came along.” She nudged him and he laughed.
“Sorry, but really I’m not,” he whispered.
Blood rushed to her cheeks and her stomach had butterflies that were not related to the baby. It was the desire, the attraction that had drawn her in six months ago. Ryan just broke down every wall she had set up.
She was vulnerable to him in way she’d never been with any other man.
To any other person.
“Well, you’re not the only one who’s been burned in love with a surgeon. I was in a relationship a few years ago that ended badly. She didn’t like my jet-setting lifestyle and left to focus on her career. Since then I’ve been gun-shy.”
“You’re the one who didn’t sign the divorce papers,” Emily said, confused. “If you don’t want a marriage, sign them.”
“I didn’t sign them because I saw you were pregnant. I didn’t want to because of the baby.”
“People shouldn’t marry for that reason. There has to be a deeper connection and love. Marriage is forever, or at least I want to believe in forever, but...”
Ryan tilted her chin so she looked at him. His blue eyes sparkled with something that made her heart skip a beat.
Other people got off the elevator and started to walk toward them. They were loud and boisterous and it broke the spell that had been woven.
“I think I’d better go home,” she said, clearing her throat.
“I’ll take you home,” he said. “And I won’t force you to stay on bed rest.”
Emily chuckled. “Deal.”
* * *
Ryan was glad that those people had come, because he’d seriously wanted to take Emily in his arms up on the observation deck and kiss her again. Ever since their kiss at Mount Rainier National Park, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it, but he was trying.
She deserved so much better than him.
He got her back to her apartment and even though he knew he shouldn’t go up, she invited him and he went.
Part of him was telling him to go and take a chance with Emily and the other part of him was reminding him how he was unreliable when it came to relationships and he shouldn’t lead her on. The thing was, he falling so hard for her. He just wasn’t sure that his heart could take hurting her or having her walk away from him.
He was too afraid.
They sat together on the couch, watching a movie, but he wasn’t really paying attention to the movie at all. All he could think about was how close she was. He could smell the scent of her shampoo, feel the warmth of her body.
“Ryan,” she whispered.
“Yes.”
“Why don’t we give it a trial run?”
“Give what a trial run?” he asked.
“The marriage. I mean, we’re married and we have to get to know each other, but why don’t we try for the baby’s sake? If it doesn’t work out, we walk away.”
It was everything he wanted to hear, but he was too afraid to reach out and grasp it.
“Em, I...”
She touched his face, tears in her eyes. “I—I want to try, Ryan. I don’t know where this is going, but I want to try. I’m just afraid of making a mistake again.”
“I’m not like him. I would never hurt you.”
“You did when you didn’t respond to those emails.”
He sighed and brushed back her hair from her forehead. “I never meant to hurt you, Em. I swear to you that I didn’t get them, or I would’ve come.”
Would you?
“I believe you. Part of me says not to, but I do believe you. I trust you, which is hard for me.”
Ryan brushed his hand across her cheek. Her skin was so soft. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I’m sorry you were alone for so long.”
She laid her head against his should and he drank in her scent. Coconuts.
She deserved so much better than him, but she was giving him a chance to have everything he’d ever wanted but had been too afraid to reach out and take.
“I’m happy, Em.” He placed his hand on her belly. “Truly.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “I like it when you hold me like this.”
“And I like it too.” The baby pushed back, a strong kick against his palm, and he couldn’t help but smile at that little life reaching out to him. “He or she is getting stronger.”
“I know. They keep me up at night. He or she is troublesome. Like you,” she teased.
Ryan chuckled and tilted her chin. Those blue eyes of hers and those soft pink lips... He was so in love with her, though he didn’t deserve it. He leaned in and kissed her, just like he’d wanted to do on the observation deck of the Space Needle. He wanted her again, but he knew one more stolen moment with her would never be enough.
“Oh, Ryan,” she whispered against his lips.
“Em, I...”
“I want you too.” She kissed him again. “I want you so much.”
She was saying yes and that was all he needed. Even though he shouldn’t, he was drunk on her and couldn’t resist her. He scooped her up in his arms and carried her to her bedroom.
He didn’t want to rush anything because he didn’t want to hurt her. He set her down on the floor and cupped her face to kiss her again. Ryan couldn’t get enough of her kisses. He helped her out of her clothes, which weren’t much. Just a sweater and a pair of sweatpants. He lifted her sweater over her head and undid her bra. And as he helped her out of her sweatpants he laid kisses along her abdomen and lower, making her moan with pleasure.
“Your turn,” she whispered as he stood up. She undid his shirt. He loved the feel of her hands on his chest.
“I’ve missed you,” she whispered as he held her in his arms.
“I’ve missed you too.”
And he had. She was all he’d been thinking about since their night in Vegas together.
Emily led him to her bed and sat down on the edge as she guided him down beside
her. They sat on the bed, kissing and touching. He couldn’t think straight. He just focused on the sounds of pleasure Emily was making and that was enough to make his blood heat.
Emily’s moans were all that mattered to him tonight.
* * *
Emily wanted this to happen. She was glad the kiss had happened. For one brief moment she wanted to be happy. She wanted to be blissfully unaware and not worried about what tomorrow might bring.
Right now, she wanted to feel.
To taste passion in his arms one more time, because even though she offered him her heart and a chance at a family, she wasn’t sure that it would work. She knew that he was still running from something. There was something more, but right now she just wanted this stolen moment.
His mouth opened against her as she kissed him, his kiss deepening. His hands felt hot on her bare back, searching over her skin and driving her wild with need.
He pushed her down on the mattress, lying beside her. Ryan brought out desire in her she’d never felt with another.
She craved him and that thought scared her because tomorrow he might leave. He’d said he wouldn’t, but it was an uncertainty. She was treading on dangerous ground but right now she couldn’t care less.
The kiss ended, leaving her quivering with desire.
“Oh, Em. I want you so much,” he whispered against her neck.
A tingle of anticipation ran through her. She remembered his touch, the way he felt inside her. The way he made her feel when she came around him.
“So beautiful,” he murmured, his hand touching her.
When he kissed her again, it was urgent against her lips as he drew her body against his. His lips trailed down her neck to her breasts and she arched against his mouth on her nipples. The pleasure it brought her was something she’d never experienced before. Her body was more sensitive to his touch now.